husband just doesn't get it....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by So Tired, Jun 2, 2008.

  1. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    Yesterday was the deadline we gave difficult child to "shape up or ship out" Although he has been getting up on his own and getting to work he has not been living up to any of the other rules of the house. He has still been drinking here in the middle of the night, smoking pot (I keep finding crushed pop cans with holes poked in them) and has to be nagged and coierced (spelling?) into just barely picking up after himself.

    His last meltdown was about a month ago - he refused to go to work and cut up his arms. husband took him to a p-hos. I was hoping for some sort of help, but just got a referal to more phyciatrists. One of the stipulations for remaining here was that he seek psychiatrist help for his coping problems. He made and kept the first appointment, but was a no show for the next. I only found out when I found my uncashed check for the co-pay. Yes, he is so bold he even stopped by here for the co-pay before "going" to his appointment. I tried to explain that the psychiatrist was not a punishment, but was to try and help him understand why he has these meltdowns.

    Today, I discovered an I.M. message on the computer between difficult child and a friend. difficult child said he "did acid" yesterday. When confronted, he claims he just said that to "look cool" I know it is a big lie! I have also been finding several Dust Off cans around lately and g0d knows difficult child doesn't have give a cr@p about cleanliness!

    So here is the problem. husband and I both know that difficult child has a drug problem. How big? We just don't know. I will admit that I just don't know much about that kind of stuff, but difficult child shows all the signs:

    poor hygiene
    multiple piercings -- nose, lips, gaged ears
    long unkept dyed hair
    moodiness, aggression, anger issues
    no motivation
    new group of friends
    never has any $$ (although he does buy lots of video games and cr@p)
    alcohol and pot found in his room
    went from 3.4 g.p.a. to pretty much barely graduating. Failed most of senior year classes.

    I am at the quitting point. I will help difficult child if he wants to seek help and follow house rules, but I will no longer enable him by letting him live here and making it so easy for him to be a drug-using slaker. husband is not ready yet. He worries what will happen to difficult child if we kick him out. husband can't see that difficult child may need to get worse before he can get better, and by letting him live here we are enabling his poor choices. husband is too tender hearted and willing to give difficult child "one more chance". difficult child and I don't get along at all because he knows he has used up all his chances with me so he keeps saying I'm "not willing to work with him", meaning not willing to be suckered!

    We are supposed to "talk" with him tonight. I'm sure husband will want to give him one more "last chance" (big sigh....) But as for me, he has used up every "last chance" I had in me. I hope husband sees the light soon.....
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Good luck. Not sure what good it will be to have a family meeting if you and your husband are not on the same page. You two need to sit down first and decide exactly what you are willing to tolerate.

    If you think he is bringing drugs into the house, then it is time to get him out no matter what. The risk to you losing your home is too high and husband really needs to see this.

    If husband won't agree to having your son leave, is there any chance he would be agreeable to insisting on a rehab program for your son? And, do you think your son would agree to go? Of course, the rehab option will only work if husband is willing to stay strong and say it is rehab or move out. It is not an easy road.

    No matter what, I hope tonight's meeting goes at least semi-well.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Your life is a mirror of mine. I wish I knew what to say. I keep hoping that husband will get it----I know he will---sometimes it just takes them longer. I sometimes feel a little guilty. Our oldest son is really husband's step. He was five when we married. husband loves him like his own. He is very successful and is the perfect son. I feel bad that husband's "real" son is breaking his heart. He often comments that the family name will die with him because difficult child will never get his act together to be a father. easy child told him that he plans on naming his next child husband's last name as a tribute. It's hard when our kids (young adults) won't/can't/don't do what they should do.
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    EXACTLY!!!! I've never had drug issues with my difficult child but I've been on the opposite side of this. I was over 18, lived with the parents and if THEY would have been busted, I would have too even though I didn't participate. Drugs are in YOUR house and if police are sent that way for your difficult child, YOU get in trouble also. If your husband realizes nothing else, he really needs to understand that. many chances has this kid had already? He's not doing anything and if he's not willing to help himself, why should you two enable him? (yes, that's what is happening.....ENABLING!!!) He's got a free ride here........roof over his head, food in his stomach and a room where he gets high. All for free. Why SHOULD he do anything different?

    Good luck with husband....maybe you two should go to a support meeting in your area. That might help husband realize how his behavior towards difficult child is enabling. Can't hurt.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am hoping the meeting went well, that husband saw the light. I really think taking him (husband) to al-anon or narcanon would really help.

    Sending Hugs,
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Sounds like you could use a break. And it sounds like you have gone over and above what most parents would do for their son.

    I wanted to tell you I was alarmed when you said you keep finding pop cans crushed with holes in them. My x used to smoke crack and that's what they used to smoke crack on. They would bend a pop can, poke holes in it - add cigarette ashes for a "screen" and place the piece of crack on the holes and ashes and use it like a pipe or bong. Are you sure he's just smoking pot - most people who smoke Pot use a glass pipe (also used for smoking crack) but it has a little metal bowl at the end. Or they add it to cigarettes or roll a joint with either rolling papers or paper tampon wrappers.

    Another thing used for crack pipes are milk carton handles and little bits of copper scrubbing pads put in the end also as a screen and then duct taped shut.

    I almost hate to say this but I hope it is just pot. But as far as NOT adhearing to ALL the rules - the ones he's breaking and pushing limits on ARE serious. It's not like hes going to work and not taking out the trash - the rules are the rules and if no drugs and no drinking are part of the conditions to stay in your home - he's got to face the alternative and leave.

    If he is allowed to come back - write out a contract and get him to sign it. Keep it simple - but stick to your rules.

    Im so very sorry for you. There is a lot of great been there done that with drug kids wisdom here - I hope you can find some peace.

  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    You are in the right of it and I hope your husband comes to see that. "Last chances" lose their effectiveness pretty quickly -- in fact you can only give one, all subsequent "last" chances will be seen as one more chance not to change.
  8. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    Thank you all for your support and ideas!

    MB - Thanks for a great idea. We had to delay "the talk" a night but it worked out better because husband and I were able to have a discussion about what we were going to say and where we were drawing the line. It work out much better to have a solid front going in.

    Everywoman - your words were such a comfort to me. I teared up 'cause you made me feel less alone...

    Mustang Chick - I think getting husband to a support meeting was a great idea. I have this forum to help me see my enabling actions, maybe that would help husband see that difficult child NEEDS us to be firm in our boundries.

    Susie - Thanks for the support! It helps so much!

    Star - Yes I researched the pop can thing online. It is sad when your hope is that it is "only" pot...Thanks for the other "clues" of what to look for. I wll remain vigulent.

    Here we go - I love how you worded it. I am going to quote that to husband!

    Now to the outcome. We had the meeting. difficult child sat down with husband and myself. I actually wrote up index cards with bullet points so I wouldn't forget anything and it would be "official"

    Respect our home:
    • no drinking or drugs will be tolerated
    • pick up after yourself
    • pay your share - difficult child must give us $20/week towards expenses
    Respect our family:
    • Talk nicely - don't be abusive.
    • no cursing at us!
    • respect our things (difficult child keeps borrowing phone charger, ipod cable etc. cause he is a slob and can never find his)
    Respect yourself:
    • Seek couseling! (This met with the most resistance and we spoke at length about it. difficult child just doesn't think he needs help or is afraid to trust psychiatrist or something. I told him his inabilty to keep his emotions in check affects the whole houshold and that if he wants to continue living here it is his resposibility to work on that issue. At the very least he needs to do the 10 psychiatrist visits that our insurance approved, and he will be paying the $50 for last week's no show)
    It was all very calm. difficult child was willing to listen and was in one of his more logic moods. husband and I projected unified front (although secrectly I know he would have a hard time throwing the kid out and I would like to go upstairs right now and start packing up his room!) I was happy that I stayed calm and didn't get emotional (probably the prozac talking there!!)

    Bottom line -- breaking of the afore stated rules will mean the end of living here. I asked difficult child if he wanted my index card for reference LOL! He laughed also and said he knew what was expected, but I think maybe I will copy and post on his bedroom door.

    Till he proves himself we told him he was here on a week to week basis and that we will talk next week to see if there will be a second week.

    It all went very well, but of course difficult child always knows the right things to say -- it will be another matter if he follows through..

    his decision, his consequences.

    Again, thank you all for taking the time to offer support and ideas - It really helps to feel like you have "someone in your corner"
  9. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree - we go to Alanon also - It helps open up the eyes of parents into what is important for them - not the addict - in your case if you have found cans with holes poked in them - yes he is using pot on your property - you need to make that a rule that he cannot do that or he is gone - it could get you into trouble - I cannot tell you what to do - my comments are just from my own experience but I have experienced what you are going through - we did kick our son out because of that and pills - it is the hardest thing to do - he went and lived with friends - then when he came home we told him he had to go to rehab - we always took him to rehab or had him committed - he never really did it on his own - but we are aware just as you are and that is good - dont enable him in your house to keep using - tell him he needs to get help or find another place to have his habit - that is what I think.