I am afraid of my 19 year old sons temper

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by [email protected], Aug 17, 2019.

  1. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    My son is 19. He has watched me go thru a horrible marriage of domestic violence. My ex husband and his family have disowned him after divorce. He smokes pot and takes pills on occasion. He has gotten me evicted from my last apartment. He will flip out if i dont give him money and has damaged many of my belongings and furniture. Neighbors have called police when he was 15 and he was arrested for domestic violence. He has never touched me or hurt me physically. He has damaged my car,my home,terrified my cats. He was in special education in school for PTSD and anger issues. If i call the police he will be back. I have asked him to go stay with friends but he wont leave. He just graduated and will not get a job. He has horrible friends who are no good and he is making my life a living hell. I am so afraid of him being in the street cause i think he will overdose. My previous home was robbed by his friends twice. I jump at any loud noise. He has told me he hopes i die in a car accident or cancer. I feel like an ass because i still love him. He has applied to many jobs but after interviews they do not hire him.
     
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Oh my! First of all, welcome! I am glad you reached out!

    When you live in fear of anyone, you have given all of your power to that person .And with the abusive ex husband, you have seen this before . I hope that you can reach out in your local area and get help . Al-Anon, therapy, social service office, a battered woman's shelter- see what resources are available to you. I dont have to tell you that your son's behavior is completely unacceptable. He needs to leave. You deserve safety and security.

    He is 18. He won't overdose on pot and pills even though I suspect he may be taking heavier drugs. But, when someone steals from you, they can't stay on your house. When someone abuses you, they can't stay in your house .

    Please find someone to help you and make a plan how to get out of this situation.
     
  3. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    When our home was robbed he was not home and most of his items were the ones stolen. I pressed charges and items were returned. He is very depressed no confidence,,doesnt shower regularly. If i dont give in to what he asks for he flips out ,i am always on edge. I know he would never touch me but he has broken items that mean alot to me. I feel like everyone has given up on him,,he told me he feels all alone and in pain.
     
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    This scared me. There is no way I would let such a dangerous child live in my home even if I felt I had to pay for him to live somewhere else. Or let him live on the street. He is as likely to OD while out with friends and sleeping in your house than if he sleeps on a park bench. We cant stop them.. That is out of our control.

    What do you mean that you told him to leave, but he wont? How can he stay if you ask him to leave?

    I am learning that I don't have great answers, just timid suggestions. If it were me, I would do anything I could not to live with him You may want to try Nar Anon or Al Anon for real life help.

    I hope you take s stand.

    Be well and God bless.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    by the way, does he refuse treatment like my daughter did and does? He COULD hurt you. My daughter threw things too and I thought it could escalate. We decided she could never live with us again. We did buy her places to stay. I don't recommend that, but at the time we felt too guilty to make her leave with nowhere to stay. She married young so we housed both of them and he was and is pretty useless too.

    She is probably worse at age 33 than she may have been because we coddled her out of our own fear. But we are done now. No more help from us. I wish we had been tougher when she was your son's age. It's at least something to think about.

    I know how you feel. Sending prayers.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
  6. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Yes. I am familiar with young adults talking about their pain when they don't want to take responsibility for their own lives. It's not about the pain, it's about what they are willing to do about it .Growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home creates dependence in everyone living in that system . So the question to throw back at young adults is: how are you relating to yourself right now and how will you fix the problems in your life right now? Because the past is gone. Over with. Done. Can't change it. But the power is in the now.

    As far as you go, your son has damaged your items (an extension of you) and intimidates you in order to get money or whatever he wants from you in that moment. His friends broke into your home. And stole mostly his stuff (what kind of friends could this be?). You have got to look out for yourself , showing him by example how to respect yourself and take care of yourself. No is a complete sentence.
     
  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    How did you get evicted from your apartment?
     
  8. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    I need to find a support group in my area or counseling. I have seen 3 of my friends bury their children because of an overdose in the last year. Can Al anon help me if he doesnt drink. They are no nar anon in my area at all. I appreciate the support as i do not tell anyone what is going on. I feel if he got a job it would make a difference in his life. He has been applying on line but gets turned down
     
  9. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    And he does refuse help and says he does not need it. He said if i call the police he is going out with a bang and destroying everything in my home
     
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Yes, Al-Anon will help you even if it's drugs. Most new members we get who are there because their qualifier is their child have a child with substance abuse issues . It's very rare to find millennials who are only alcoholic. It's typically alcohol and drugs nowadays or just drugs.
     
  11. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Is there a Workforce type office in your area? We have that here in the South and they will help you with a resume and an assessment to see where your strong points are. Your son may be chosing not to work a regular job though because it sounds like his "friends" have ways of making money.
     
  12. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Yes, intimidation . This is abuse. Call the police if you have to and while he is in jail, change the locks and put his stuff out.
     
  13. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    Most of his friends work and go to college except one friend who is a drop out and does nothing. I am going to look into an al anon meeting in my area. My health is being affected as i have gotten shingles from stress
     
  14. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    Most of his friends work and go to college except one friend who is a drop out and does nothing. He has always
     
  15. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    I got evicted because of his screaming and cursing at me,breaking walls and smoking pot with friends in the driveway and disrespecting and argueing with all the neighbors
     
  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Al Anon is for any addiction. We just have Al Anon too where we live currently.

    One thing we learned in Al Anon is that we have no power to stop our loved ones from suicide or ODing. It happens in the parental house a lot. It was hard for us to accept that we couldn't prevent Kay from maybe killing herself, but we now know we have no ability to prevent Kay's death. I teared up when I typed those words. She threatens suicide.

    If your son blackmails you for calling the police on him even if he attacks you, he needs to live elsewhere with no key. Maybe a restraining order, not that he won't violate it. He is holding you hostage in your own place. We were bad enablers, but as soon as we felt Kay was a possible danger to us and to our other kids, who were still home, we planned to evict her. My husband and I looked for a place to purchase for Kay. We were afraid to let her be homeless for reasons similar to yours.


    Kay destroyed every bit of help we paid for. Our enabling didn't help her one bit. And we are broke. And Kay was never as dangerous to us as your son could be to you.

    This is very hard. I am very sorry. Wish I had magic words.
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  17. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    I dont feel so alone having people to talk to here. I really need a support group and i am going to look into al anon. My son really needs help ,,he needs mental help but i csn not force him to because of his age. He goes out in the middle of the night to do drugs with friends. I wake up and he is not there and i cant go back to sleep. I work with little sleep and its not good sometimes
     
  18. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I understand! In Al-anon you will learn how to focus on you , and after a while you will be able to sleep better. We have to take good care of ourselves or we are not any good to anyone and can't show up in our own lives properly.
     
  19. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Misty, Al Anon is for us, not the addict. As Wise said. It is a program of recovery for those who deal with addiction, because addiction is a family illness, and it teaches us how WE can live better. Basically it teaches us that our lives have become unmanageable as we try everything to help fix the addict. And in the first three steps we begin accepting that we are powerless and need to stop the craziness. Intellectually, I bought this early on, but it took me a long time to practice letting go.

    You will find no magic fix for the addict/ mentally ill person/dysfunctional person whom you are trying to save. There IS no such thing, no magic bullet. The person has to do it. We are not in control. We are told to give the person to a power bigger than us. For my husband and I, God is a huge part of our lives so that is our go to. Atheists use higher powers such as the ocean or wise people they trust who are smart about addiction. It can be anything but it can not be you. We love them but can not fix or control them or even guide them if they reject our help. Most adults want to make their own choices. Drug use, including alcohol and pot, and sometimes untreated mental illness can kill your loved ones soul so that the person is abusive to us. It is not about us. It is about their illness. It still hurts us, but it is not true about us.

    We didn't cause it, we cant control it and we can't cure it. The three C's. And we can not make anyone get the proper help to get well.

    So if you go to Al Anon expect to work on you, not your person. That is what Al Anon is about. Our recovery. We cant fix another person, whether its Mom, an uncle, a spouse, a friend or a beloved child.

    I love the program. So does my husband. We also are both in Mindfulness therapy and are studying Radical Acceptance. These concepts are in my opinion powerful and worth looking up in books sold on Amazon or even just videos on Youtube.

    Focusing on us is what my husband and I have been doing since we have had an upturn of peace in our lives. Kay is very sick. Trying to fix her just made us sick and broke along with her and did not help her at all.

    I wish you well.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Misty:

    Almost all of us arrive here (and to al anon) in this spot: addicted to our adult child.

    I am out of control because I can't make my son act right, function, and do what I need him to do. Or I can't protect him from himself.

    We have lost sight of our own well-being, or indifferent to it, as a consequence of our addiction. Everything we feel about ourselves, our own welfare, is dependent upon saving our child and seen through this lens. While we may acknowledge the risks to us, we are blind to our own needs because we have come to believe that our welfare is exactly the same as theirs. Like a solar eclipse, where our light is invisible because the moon, has blocked it from sight, we are eclipsed from ourselves because we have merged with our child.

    Step one is to recognize what has come to be. Step two is to begin to locate ourselves in ourselves, not in them. When we begin to locate ourselves in ourselves, immediately there are things that we can do. If we are present in our own lives, it becomes important (essential and urgent) that we have a safe and secure place to live. It becomes important that we (our homes and things) have peace and security.

    The single most important thing you can do for your son is to begin to live for yourself and in yourself and to begin to heal.

    I think Al Anon is a great idea. What helps me the most is posting on as many threads as I can. As I post to other people I realize what I know to be true. I show up strong here, first. Only later do I get stronger in my own life.

    The only person who can help your son is your son. There is all kinds of community support, if he seeks it. This does not mean that you can't have a relationship with him or in time be a support to him. But how can we do that if we are beaten down? What do we have to give if we are invisible, especially to ourselves? How can we support them if they are destroying us and our environment? How can we have voice if they will not hear us? Most importantly, how can we speak if we do not hear ourselves?

    They need to decide to be open and responsible, first. Before we can be in healing relationship with them. Your son is acting neither open nor responsible. He is acting abusive, destructive and self-destructive. You cannot change these qualities in him. He will have to change. He can't be around you until he does. This may sound harsh, but it's real.

    Of course you love your son. But this relationship, you and he, right now is not a loving relationship. It's abuse. Loving your son requires that you be present and whole. Loving your son requires that he be open and available to being loved. Neither one of you is showing up right now in a condition for love to happen.

    A number of us have gotten restraining orders in order to be safe. Many more of us have ejected our children from our homes. Many of us have had no contact with our children, for a time. Or limited contact. Or limited phone contact.

    The key here is NO CONTACT THAT IS HURTFUL OR ABUSIVE. Or that exposes you to harm, like eviction or being robbed. Stopping all of this is entirely consistent with love. I would say that love can't exist or flourish without safety. If we can't be safe around them then we must for a time love them from a distance.

    Every single thing you are going through we have gone through, in one way or another.

    Welcome to you. I am sad this is happening to you. But I believe with all of my heart that you can and will make it better.

    Welcome.


     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2019