i cant go on like this anymore, im at my lowest i can go and scared :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by brokenmum, Sep 24, 2013.

  1. brokenmum

    brokenmum New Member

    well im officaly at rock bottom, and i just dont know what to do anymore, i have a 15 year old daugter who is soooo difficult, she was my 2nd child, the household is in shreds, my 18year old doesnt want to be here anymore and as surportive as my husband is, even he is at breaking point.. well where do i start....
    well she has always been difficult, from her first day at nursery where i had to collect her only an hour later because they couldnt cope with her :(
    as she has got older, she has got worst, i surpose it has been at its worst since beging of 2013

    she constantly misses lession or days at school even if i drive her in, she walks out the back, they are constantly on the phone as she swore at this teacher, or got in an arguement with this person, the thrown a table across the room, she has spent more days in saction room than she has in her regular classes, they cant cope with her anymore and she has been in shift school which is soon to become to a learning group session only, back in april i was in hospital for major surgery i was only home 7 days and in great discomfort when she got up one morning all surred speach and not right, i called an amulance where she was rushed to hospital, tests were run, she was in for 10 days and in that 10 days, i spent nearly every day up the hospital although my self wasnt at all well, my husband managed to get a couple off days of work to cover so i could get the odd day to recoup, it was then found at day 7 she had taken an overdose, so cahms were brought in (child adolesent heath team) she told them that she wasnt happy at school,, that she was being picked on and that she wasnt happy at home.. so then the social services got involved, a very rude social worker who couldnt get to the hospital spoke to me on the phone was very rude to me and put me in floods of tears, and when i said she was difficult he didnt want to know, i was then rushed to a and e with chest pains were they found i was tacicardic from compliactions off the surgery... anyway it was then found that the only reason she wasnt happy at home is because i was making her go to school.. so with out no sorry social services decided to close there case and cahms recomended reffering her for adhd testing, anger managment, and counciling and i called thhe police about a kid at the school.. things went a little quieter for a while maybe a month.. but let me just say cahms have been useless, as i received a letter to say they were closing there end they couldnt help her with an adhd test after all, or anger management, and they had reffered her to a counciler which i have never heard from... so after a month her normal attitude began, constant verbal abuse, not coming in when she should off, steeling from me, smashing stuff up in the house, being a nightmare at school and when we could get her to calm down and talk there was always an excuse to it, it would be anybodys elses fault but hers, so so i rang the school up one day because of something she had said had happend at school, and being a protective mum, i wanted answers but when i was shown cctv footage it was blaintly obvious she had lied through her teeth to try and get someone else in trouble, and this has been an ongoing thing since, today has just done it for me, im in tiers, i feel i cant do this anymore i love my family so much, but part of me doesnt want to be here anymore, im on so much medication with antidepressents and tablets to help me sleep, medication for high blood pressure.. the walls are just closing in... she ran away from school today and gave some teachers some horrible langage and dragged a 12 year old with her, i had to phone the police, she finally answered her phone and told me she was going back to school, they rang me to tell me she was back and that she was kicking off i could hear her telling the teacher to go f***k themselves so they asked me to collect her, when i got there she was outside school shouting at a teacher, i told her to get in the car, so she ran off again, i hunted for her for over an hour and evertime i sore a glimpse of her she would dissapear again i came home in a state, the police came round and took some info, they brought her back 2 hours later in cuffs literally kicking and screaming, they told her if she kicked of here they would come and arrest her.. she bolted to her room called me by a few swear words and slammed her door after and hour she came down and kissed me on the cheak.. i burst into tears, i didnt feel anything apart from hate for her, things were going through my mind, i wish she would just go.. i wish social services would just come and take her, why is she the way she is, her older sister had a couple of problems at school and could be a little checcky but nothing that bad at all why do i have 2 children totaly the oppersite what did i do so different, they say a child grows up to how we bring them up, i have never been violent or used langage like that, her only punishments have been grounding or maybe takeing her phone away, and even that has been done with reluctants as im always scared if she feels un happy with her punishment that she will punish me by takeing an overdose again, i have been on the phone all day, the doctor doesnt really seem to want to help, i tryed to chase cahms up about there consilor refferal and they tryed to say there was nothing on there system i burst into tears and ha to put the phone down.. ive been all over the internet.. i cant seem to find much help or advice, then i found this group.. and now you are reading my jibbering on.. while im shaking and in tears again..
  2. garrison

    garrison New Member

    I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time. I am not in your situation, so I can't offer any good advise except protect yourself.
    I just wanted you to know someone cares. (())
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sorry u had to find us......Happy u did. Living in fear for and because of our children's choice to behave the way they do is heart wrenching. She may not be aware of why she is doing what she does and that needs to be addressed by medical personnel...physical and mental. I don't know where you live or your ability to access your medical system. I would start there.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That is a key statement.
    This isn't (and yes, you already know this...)
    - typical teen behavior
    - a previously "ordinary" kid who changed drastically at some point in the last few years (drug use can do that, as can being abused in various forms especially outside of home)
    - bad parenting.

    If she's "always" been like this... she needs help. Major help. Perhaps the kind of help that would only be found in a residential setting. Somebody has to get the picture of what she is like 24/7...
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Really sorry you are going through all that. Not sure what services you can access to diagnose or treat her in your country. Sounds like more going on than ADHD to me, especially if she has always been this way.

    Sometimes you have to grit your teeth until they turn eighteen, or whatever the legal age is where you live, and then make hard decisions for the future. Is she a drug user? I'd be thinking about that too. Hugs and sorry I couldn't help more.
  6. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Do you think she will want to be tested by a neuropsychologist?

    I'm sorry you are having a really hard time.
  7. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Im so sorry you and your family are going through this.I also believe she does need to be tested to see whats going on. Lots of hugs
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    At her age it is going to be tough to get real help for her with-o her cooperation. That is IF you first find someone who is willing to work with her. You cannot say she has to cooperate if there is no one to cooperate with. I don't know what your mental health/learning disability/addiction systems are like, so I cannot give specific info to access those for help. I can say that if you click the link in my signature at the bottom of this post, you will be taken to a thread about a Parent Report, one of the most powerful tools you can have. YOU write this report about your daughter. You include absolutely everything (format and explanations are in the thread) and take it to wherever you go for help. It helps keep all the info straight, and it helps you communicate with the professionals in a clear and detailed way. I strongly recommend starting one for her.

    Another thing I highly recommend is turning to a "Do to Get" system with her. If she wants something, she must do something that you want to happen FIRST. It is simple, and difficult. You have to insist that she does something like clean up a mess, help with something, not swear at you, etc... before you give her anything, even permission to go do something. If you search the board for "Do to Get" you will come up with a lot of info and advice on implementing "Do to Get".

    Another thing that may help is reading the book "Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic". You can find it at bookstores or on the website ( www.loveandlogic.com). It is pretty easy to read, full of common sense, and really effective. The website has a LOT of good info and I encourage you to read the teacher info as well because you don't know where you will find info that helps. Lots of us have had good results from these methods.

    Your daughter needs help. Given the overdose, it is possible that she is addicted to something. A drug test may be needed because she likely will NOT tell you teh truth. She also needs help because these have always been there, signalling that something has been wrong for a long time. Like many others here, I believe children do well when they are ABLE, not when they want to. This is esp true in younger years when most children want to please adults. difficult children are not neurotypical, meaning something is likely wired differently (NOT wrong) and they don't know how to cope because something is stoppign them. Sadly, by the teen years they are pretty unwilling to cooperate with most types of help for this. It is possible that she has a mental health or neurological issue that is a huge contributor to her problems.

    One thing that si super important and NOT a luxury is caring for yourself. You can do exactly nothing for her if you are not healthy. This means getting physical help and seeing a psychologist to help you learn to cope with the stress of raising a difficult child. If you do not take care of your health, your body WILL turn on you. We have had parents hwo had early strokes from the stress, and who have had heart problems, and a myriad of other health problems from our bodies telling us they cannot cope with the continually increasing stress. There is NOTHING we can do for anyone else if we are very ill. Self care MUST be a major priority. Get a physical, exercise as often as you can, even if you just do some stretching in the bathroom every time you go in, eat right, and see a psychologist to help you deal with the stress Go to 12 Step meetings if addiction runs in the family and/or difficult child is addicted to something. (I am NOT saying she is, just that you MUST find out sothat you can help her. All the other treatments in the world are useless if she is addicted and does not get help.)

    I hope this helps. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. Of course not everything works for everyone, and we all understand that.

  9. Nosedive

    Nosedive New Member

    Thank you. Her daughter sounds like she acts at school the way my son does at home, and if I hear ONE MORE, "Well, maybe you should have/shouldn't have [fill in the blank]", or a smug, self-righteous, "Well, boys need a father", or as one put it, "You can't think this has nothing to do with you being a single mother", I just might lose my composure. I need to remember, "Not 'bad parenting'. Not 'bad parenting'."
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, Nosedive...

    Ignore the idiots. They would not be able to even remotely handle what you are dealing with.
    I know kids who have grown up with a single mom and turned out great... and kids that grew up with a mom and a dad and were wrecks. Sorry... THAT argument got lost many years ago.

    Boys DO need "male influence". Uncles, older cousins, a step-dad, grandpa, close family friend... many people can fill that role.

    Meanwhile, why don't you start your own thread and introduce yourself? You'll get more responses that way.