I don't even know what to TITLE this I'm so UPSET

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Nov 11, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member


    So as you know, difficult child best friend, we will call her B (so disgusted right now), has came to stay here for a while because she was homeless.

    Not even two days, NOT EVEN TWO DAYS, I just discovered a HUGE violation and a costly one at that and I am VERY shocked that her, out of ALL people would do THIS.

    So the first night , she stayed in difficult child's bedroom. Ok, fine. No problem there

    Second night (which was last night) B stayed in the spare bedroom. A real nice bedroom mind you that has a HUGE window.

    Well, at 2:00 in the morning last night, I am awake, just browsing online in the living room. She was awake too in her room, which wasn't a problem. She couldn't sleep. Whatever. Well all the sudden, I hear what sounds just like duck tape. You know that sound when someone pulls duct tape? Well it was going on for a quite a few minutes. I said, wtf? I went to her room, knocked on her door and I said "B, what is that noise? What are you doing in there?". She says "Oh nothing, it's my boots". What??? She took a minute to open the door. I went in her room and found absolutely nothing, so I'm like, alright whatever.

    Well guess what the hell I just discovered? I am always up at night, so about a half hour ago, I take a drive to Wendy's to get a sweet tea and a salad. On my home, I pass my spare bedroom window (the one she is staying in, she's not here tonight by the way) and I see the window frame for the screen is all bent out of shape! Right away I knew. I didn't freak out too badly though because that frame was already bent from when I moved in, but of course I was still mad she was trying to sneak out. But I knew she couldn't because that screen does not budge. No one can slide open that screen. Ok, so I start inspecting it and I see a little flap of the screen itself sticking out, just by chance mind you. I start pulling it and the almost the whole screen was cut all around the window!!!! The whole screen just flaps right open. So you know that noise I heard that sounded like duct tape? (and it was very loud mind you). Well, she was actually cutting the screen with a knife so she could sneak out. MY OWN difficult child NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT!

    I am so :censored2:ing pissed the :censored2: off right now. I can't believe it, I am literally in SHOCK. I feel violated and it's going to cost money to fix that that I DON'T HAVE, ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM MOVING OUT AT THE END OF DECEMBER!

    I knew this girl since she was 13 years old. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think she would do something like that. She didn't even have strict rules here! She could have easily waited till morning and stayed out all day and night if she wanted. She was fiening for something in order to do something like that and I bet you it was pot which even pisses me off more than anything because it's :censored2:ing stupid to be addicted to WEED! She comes from a wealthy family and I just thought she knew better than to do something like this! Wow, how much respect does that show that she has for me or even my own daughter? What is going on here? I pray to God that my daughter didn't know about this , I pray to GOD. My daughter was in her room sound asleep the whole night and her room is on the other side of the condo. She took her sleeping pills and she was out. But I wonder if she knew about what B did. I am just going to have to gauge by her reaction tomorrow and tomorrow is her first day of work.

    Wow, my eyes have been open to so many things right now. How blind I was to a lot of things. How bad difficult child's friends are really turning out to be. I'm stunned, like a dear caught in headlights. Not even two days, not even a full two days she was here.......
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    and it's so hard because I really did care for B. I really did and still do. I don't know what to think right now. I feel like this is all a game and I'm the only one who doesn't know.
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    and my difficult child was nice to me ALL day...I asked her if she was up to something. Could it be it was because she felt guilty about what she knew her friend did?????????

    Am I over reacting to all of this by the way?????
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2014
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I am sitting here going over and over and over in my mind that while I was only in the living room and she was in the bedroom, which is really close by, I live in a condo, so no more than 15 feet, she was ripping apart my screen window with a knife and I heard it. I heard it so loudly so she knew it was loud. She knew I was in here, she saw me. I knocked on the door, went in and saw nothing. I didn't even think to check the window. I didn't discover it until the next day which was two hours ago. How could she take a knife and cut my whole screen out of the window? You have to understand, the window in that bedroom is a very big window. I am just picturing her cut it all the way across and all the way down and all the way across again, while I was sitting just 15 feet away. It sounded like duct tape. rrrrriiiiiiiiiiipppppppppp, like ripping duct tape. Now I know she was cutting the screen and that's what the ripping noise was. I am on facebook right now, and guess what, so is she. I see her in my message box with the little green dot. She is up right now like I am. All of her stuff is in the room. All her nice, expensive stuff. All very nice, neat and put away. And the room smells so good from all of her expensive scented lotions. She even has her instrument in there. I want to break it all and then I feel bad all at the same time just looking at it. When my difficult child gets home tomorrow from work and I am telling difficult child to take B's things and put them in her car and take them to her. It's heartbreaking. She was only here two days and she was all set up in the guest bedroom. Only to be brought back out. I have no idea how my daughter is going to react to all of this. I am wondering if she knew and if she didn't know, how is she going to feel when she finds out her best friend damaged our property like this. B broke out of here like a caged animal and she wasn't even caged. She was out all day and was only home for hours before she did that.

    This isn't my fault. It's B's fault, but why do I feel so extremely bad right now about what's going to happen?

    I welcomed her into my home, fed her and made it comfortable for her. Gave her little rules. So easy to follow. She broke my trust. That trust has now been "thrown out the window", quite literally.

    I'm so mellow dramatic, aren't I? I don't care. I don't live this way and never had anyone do something like this in my home. I truly didn't see this coming from her, even though I know you all probably saw this from a mile away. I am more shocked it came from her of all people. If you saw how big my window is in there and how the whole entire screen is cut, but put back so perfectly and tucked so I didn't notice, but I did notice. I notice EVERYTHING and B is going to find that out tomorrow. I have to pay for this, a single, broke, disabled mother. However, B comes from a wealthy family. It seems I always have to pay for it all when it comes to difficult child's friends. No :censored2:ing more.

    Sorry for talking to myself. I replied to myself three times already. I am just really nervous about tomorrow and need to get this all out.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM...so your learned something. Don't beat yourself up.

    My daughter used to get out of her room at night when we were sleeping. It's common, especially in the drug world, and, since it's not your daughter, I'm going to say that it is probably more than weed. Kids don't bust out of their rooms for weed. We put bars up on my daughter's window, but she walked out the front door when we were sleeping. I would get frantic and go looking for her, but the cops usually brought her back for violating curfew.

    Unfortunately, we don't always know people we've "known" all of our lives sometimes and young adults (and older adults) on drugs have no morals because they are drug addicts and the fun and the high comes first. Many of them like the thrill of sneaking out so maybe just leaving would not have been as much fun.

    I promised not to tell mothers to throw out their own children unless they were a danger to them. GM, you probably should go that route with this young woman. She's not your daughter, even if you care about her, and she violated your trust and cost you money.

    I guess this is why my friend finally stopped allowing people to stay with her. As she said to me, "I always get burned so I'm done." And she was done. Hey...at least you learned something. Basically if nobody in your family will have you in their home, there is a reason.

    by the way, my father owned a few pharmacists and was one before retirement so we had money (not that we ever saw it, but we did live in a rich neighborhood). Those kids had the money to do more drugs than the less affluent kids, and they did. That was where I got MY first shock. One doctor's daughter had a stroke from cocaine. Don't think money is a deterrent. It isn't.

    Hugs and try to have a good night. I would have B's bags packed in the morning. This is the last thing you need with so much on your plate. Take care of yourself and have a good rest-of-the-night. This is more about her than you. Don't take it personally. And don't feel bad about the wrong somebody else did to you. If that's one small lesson you can learn tonight, that is a baby step :)
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2014
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    My friend, thank you so much for replying. I been sitting here going crazy. I would have them out in the morning, but I will be sleeping until about 3:00 pm. difficult child comes home 4:30 pm from work I think. Somewhere around that time. So when she gets home, I will have all B's stuff outside and that's when I will inform my daughter of what happened. I am quite nervous of her reaction, but the lower my expectations are, the better. She will probably deny that her friend did it, that's the screen has always been that way, someone else did it, get mad at me and then blame me for ruining her friendship with B. <sigh>.

    There was no reason for B to do this. She was gone from 1:00 pm until 9:00 pm Monday night. So she was out for 8 hours and when she was homeless, living couch to couch, she did whatever she wanted, they were all her friends, even though they were bums. She has been doing what she wanted for a month now so there was NO :censored2:ing reason for her to break out like this! Anyway, she didn't have to be home until 12. She came home early. She went to bed. She woke up around 2:00 am, I was in the living room. Like I said earlier, she couldn't sleep. And she :censored2:ing ripped my screen window right apart to break out like a goddamn caged animal when she was out ALL day the same day. You would think she was locked up in the house for weeks in order to do something like THIS. I just don't :censored2:ing understand! I was a difficult child too as a teenager, but I would have NEVER , EVER, NEVER HAD THE BALLS to do this to someone eles home, I'd be too damn scared! It would not even OCCUR to me. Especially doing it to a friend who is HELPING YOU.

    I am literally blown away at the level of disrespect it takes for one to do this to me. People must think I'm a real :censored2:ing a**hole. I am more convinced than ever of this. Oh yeah, she's a sucker! Even so, how could you do this to someone who helped you. She has no :censored2:ing respect for me and I HOPE she is on something stronger than weed because than I would FEEL BETTER knowing she had a crazy drug urge, instead of thinking she has that little of respect for me to do what the :censored2: she DID! SHE WAS ONLY IN MY HOUSE FOR TWO DAYS, COUNT THEM, TWO, BARELY!!!

    Sorry for cursing, I really am Please forgive me.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, you are just getting your feet wet, hon...lol. Many of us are used to this level of disrespect and it is very hard to shock us. I figured this girl was trouble, but you felt like you had to try to help and you needed to do it to see her true self. This compilation of seeing what some people are capable of doing to others day after day, year after year is what has brought many of us to where we are now...happy, peaceful, and refusing to deal with toxic people, users (of all types) an abusers. The absence of people who treat us like garbage is incredibly calming.

    BUT...when I look back it took time for me to finally decide to take control of my life and not try to safe every sad soul. I mean, when I was in my 20's I worked in Downtown Chicago and I never had a lot of money because ex was very stingy. But on pay day, if I saw a beggar, I'd stuff a $10 bill or sometimes a $20 in their baskets or whatever they used. Little did I know, most beggars used the majority of money for drugs. Fast forward to today...I still give. I give warm blankets, sandwiches, and other goods, but I never give money. I have learned. I was a kid with a big heart like you. Heck, I adopted kids, sponsored several others, took in stray animals, and cried every time there was a sad story on the news.

    I cared more about others than about myself. That sounds like I was selfless, but actually it was very bad for me. I let everyone punch me around, from all sides, and then would feel very hurt that my well meaning help was not appreciated. Today if I do anyone a favor, it is without expectations that I will get paid back. I do it strictly for the act of doing it, no strings attached.

    GM, you are still young and still able to be shocked. If it keeps happening, you will stop being shocked and will decide what to do about those who just get by in life on the backs of others.

    Now I know you are afraid of your daughter so please be safe. Telling you that something did not happen when you know it did happen is called gaslighting. It is most definitely a form of abuse and is intended to make you doubt your own memory of an event. Maybe it is best not to talk to your daughter about what happened as you know her response to it. It is hard for somebody to escalate anger when you don't throw oil on the fire. I learned this the hard way. The less I said, the faster the tornado from the other person died down and the faster it turned into just pouting. If your daughter gets abusive, why not take a drive, a walk, a trip to the library, a visit with a friend? Just make sure you are safe. maybe have somebody with you when you tell B that she has to leave.Keep your cell phone on your person, just in case.

    Hugs and I'm sorry you went through this. Take it and learn just a little bit from this experience and YOU MEANT WELL. Don't feel bad because SHE took advantage of your good heart.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2014
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    How do you write so well, so fast?

    You know what's weird MWM? I had a few warning signs with in the two days she was here. I can't remember all of them , not that there were many, but difficult child was on the phone with one of her other friends and I overheard the conversation. All I heard was what my difficult child said, which in turn, I figured out what the friend was saying. "Oh, yeah, B is moving in and staying here for a while. Oh yeah, I'll be careful. She's my best friend, just trying to help her out, B isn't like that". I was surprised anyone would say to be careful of B. But I knew and didn't want to face it, that that was a BIG warning sign. The fact that one of difficult child friends was telling her to be careful of B, should have sent red flags up, but like I said, I knew B for a long time so I figured other friend didnt know what she was talking about. Boy was I wrong. Also, earlier today, difficult child told me to hide my keys and bring them in with me when I go to sleep because B might be tempted to take the car. Ding ding ding ding ding. I think difficult child regrets bringing B here and I feel like it's MY fault because I knew how fragile difficult child is and should not have invited this trouble here. I know that is my fault. Even though difficult child will freak out, deep down I know this will end their friendship. I am thinking of just telling difficult child that I want B to leave without telling her what happened because difficult child will blame me for ruining their friendship. I think difficult child will be ok with me telling B to leave for no reason because I think difficult child wants her to leave if I am reading difficult child right, but I don't think she wants to know what B did. I have a lot of thinking to do. I brought this all on myself and I am so sorry to all of you. Here I am asking you, MWM , and others who might be kind enough to reply, to help dig me out of a mess I put myself and my daughter in. I FEEL LIKE A MAJOR difficult child right now for doing this. I'm so sorry. Thank you MWM , for being there. I'll let you know how it goes.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have always been very, very fast on the keyboards :)

    It isn't your fault that this girl may end her friendship with your daughter. And, to be honest, she doesn't sound as if she is a very good influence on your vulnerable daughter anyway. You are doing nothing to end their friendship. You are asking B to leave due to her behavior under your roof. If difficult child blames you, again, my careful advice...at least it has worked well for me with a mouthy difficult child...is to not engage your difficult child much. Answer with "Uh huh" or "I see" or "I'm sorry you're hurting" or whatever. Or take that walk, or drive, or visit to a friend's house.

    In other words, the only way to calm a tantrum is to not amp it up. Like a small fire, it will burn out unless we fuel it. If you feel in danger...get help for yourself. It will be over the day after next.

    On another note, you and I are the only ones awake this time of "night." LOL. I get ups so early yet I'm not tired at work. But don't ask me a profound question after 5pm. The best of my brainpower (whatever exists there) is in the morning. I am a definite morning person.
  10. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Yes, yes you are right. Why the hell should I be concerned if their friendship ends? I hope it does!!! What the hell was I thinking for feeling guilty over this? difficult child should NOT have a friend like this , that would disrespect HER as well. This is difficult child home too and difficult child should be mad! Unless, in the rare chance, my difficult child knew and approved her doing this....and that might be a whole 'nother can of worms that might open tomorrow that I am not prepared for. Please do not let me :censored2:ing find out that my daughter knew about this and was ok with it! Just the fact that she would still let B stay here knowing B might steal my car or hers while we are sleeping. However, difficult child DID warn me and said she will take my keys in the room with her if I forgot, she offered that, I didn't have to tell her, so that tells me , while she is STUPID, that she at least doesn't approve of what happened, but who knows. Maybe my difficult child is a big time follower and was too scared to tell B no. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. These difficult child scare the :censored2: out of me with their crazy thinking. All these what if's are driving me crazy. Oh my God, never again. I can not believe I was fooled this way.

    hahaha, thanks for giving me the heads up. Got ya ;)
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM...at least you haven't met Dice...lol.

    My daughter, when she was doing drugs, came home one night and grandly swept her arm toward the doorway and, with love in her eyes, announced, "THIS IS DICE, MY BOYFRIEND!"

    Ok, so she had brought home strange guys before, but this one scared me to death. He had dead eyes. Nothing there. He looked, but didn't see. He had a shaved head, which is often attractive, but in his case it made him look like a White Supremist, although he couldn't be because my daughter is adopted from Korea. Maybe he was too stoned to notice. He did not shut his mouth. There was drool on his lips. He did not say anything to me. Then he sat down on the stairs.

    As time went by, and my daughter quit her drugs, I learned more about "Dice." Obviously that's not his real name. He was in a gang. Yes, a gang in middle Wisconsin where we don't have gangs, but ok. And he had been in jail. Shock, shock, shock. And what a surprise...he'd been tossed out of high school and didn't know what a job was. He was even on probation when he met my daughter. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING???? Do they think when they are on drugs? I don't know. After she moved to Illinois and was getting her head straight, HE FOUND HER and started e-maling her and her best friend death threats, which they printed off and took to the cops. The guy was not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree. He got arrested in Wisconsin.

    I would not be shocked if this young man really hurt somebody some day.

    I hope you never ever ever ever ever ever meet a "Dice." Yes, I"m laughing, but only because it's long over. I cried then, I did NOT laugh.
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I died. :rofl:
    I literally laughed out loud, thanks for that story. Makes me more relaxed for what I have to deal with today, yet simultaneously scared of ever meeting the dreaded Dice. Yikes. :twister2:
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    I wanted to make you laugh!

    It's a true story, by the way.
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    GM, I feel your pain. I have a former friend (no longer friends for very good reasons) who's 19 year old daughter was being put out of her boyfriend's parent's house. We had invited her and her boyfriend over for Thanksgiving 2012 and then in December she asked if I would buy her a plane ticket to her mom in Florida. As it was so close to Xmas the prices were crazy, so I told her she could stay with us until after new year and I bought her a plane ticket for January 6 (and one for her DOG!) and got a pet carrier for her to put it under her seat on the plane. Next thing I know her boyfriend is there too. They lived with us for a couple weeks, through Xmas, where we bought them both gifts. Xmas day, we want to watch a DVD and realize most of our DVD's are missing. And our CD's. Dozens of items. They, of course, were shocked! Why, it HAD to be one of my son's friends! How horrible that anyone would come into our home and steal from us! (Yes. Seriously.)

    I, of course, had no proof it was them. I really didn't want to believe it. At that point, we didn't realize our son was a difficult child...although some of his friends were questionable. She was leaving in a week. We let it drop.

    January 3, a man comes to our door, claims to be a friend of the boyfriend, shoulders his way past my son who answered the door and goes to our basement where they were staying. I hear a noise from the basement that sounds exactly like a taser! I get to the stairs just in time to see the boyfriend being frog-marched out the door and the girl standing there with her mouth open! I asked if it was a bondsman. Apparently. She tells me she's going to her dad's, runs out the door. I get on-line and look them up...I can't find a thing on the boy except a seatbelt violation. The doorbell rings. This time it's the police. They're looking for the girl! Turns out she had THREE bad check felony warrants! While I'm telling the cops EVERYTHING (including that I'm a lawyer and a state employee and I will fully cooperate in every way) she comes home, sees the police, guns the car, they give chase, she abandons the car and tries to hide, they catch her.

    We didn't file a police report on the missing items (which ended up including DVD's, CD's, tools and books - BOOKS! can you believe that?) At least not at first. Several months later we did when the boy was arrested on other charges. He admitted to like 4 items and said everything else he'd pawned and sold were from his personal collection. PLEASE! Like I could make a list of 60+ DVD's and just happen to have them all be the same as his "personal collection". Cops wouldn't even press charges. :mad: Oh, and the girl had been right there with him.

    Not only were we out all these things, but also the price of a plane ticket and she took the darn dog carrier ($50) so I couldn't even return that to the store! AND she had the nerve to call me from jail and try to con me into posting her $50,000 BAIL!

    So...long story anything but short, I totally understand how you feel about this girl right now. Kick her butt to the curb!

    (After all that - can you believe MY kid stole from me too?)
  15. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Have the name and location of the nearest shelter written down and give difficult child directions to take this girl there and dump her. If she wants to go elsewhere she should "phone a friend for help."

    I would also make sure she pays you for that window. If I had to I would tell her she either pays up or you call the cops.
  16. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Yeah. NOthing like being abused by some one else's difficult child. Seems like they often just need some one against whom to rebel...and that some one is any adult in the parenting role.

    I'm sorry this is happening to you. But it is. Throw her out.

  17. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you Lil, it means a lot that you shared that story with me to make me feel not alone ((((hugggs))))) Thank you

    You're right dtsc

    Echo, yes absolutely

    I just woke up and my daughter gets off work @4:30. I am getting ready now, taking a shower and all that. I don't know what's going to happen or how this will pan out. Wish me prayers and luck.
  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I have a story too...my easy child daughter is attracted to difficult children as boyfriends and friends.
    She is in college, and came home for the summer two years ago. She asked if her best friend (she forms VERY tight relationships) could come too, because poor soul her parents didn't want her, no place to stay, no money, she would get a job and pay rent and take care of the dogs for me....

    long story.

    I set u the guest room, bought new sheets (that comes in later). 2 months...no rent, no groceries, yes a little dog care, one morning I was bending over to look at a mark on the carpet outside her room (not her fault) and her door opened and a strange guy walked out. I HIT THE ROOF.

    When she left there were dried stains from menstrual blood on the new sheets I had bought her. She stripped the bed and left them in a pile on the floor. I don't think she had done laundry all summer.

    no good deed goes unpunished, right?

    My daughter was FURIOUS at me.

    So yes, prayers and luck to you.

  19. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    by the way, I'm feeling a little bit weak. My heart keeps telling me "it's not that big of a deal. It's just a screen, nothing else happened. Am I really going to throw her out for this?" I am doing the right thing, right guys? I should give her no more chances, correct? I'm just saying, what if B begs me to stay and apologizes? I don't know.
  20. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    OH honey, I totally get it. She completely abused your faith and trust in her, and she was setting herself up to do more. You KNOW that. She has to go. Even if only to learn consequences. She needs to figure out at some point that she can't treat people who put their faith in her this way.

    STand strong. Remember who you are, what you believe in, and how you deserve to be treated.