I dread moving my cousin to a smaller room

[TerryJ2]

... but it saves a whopping $2,500 a month!
She thinks she has an unlimited amt of money. She does not understand that even though you may start out with-a kazillion dollars, unless there is no income generated, the money just gets used up.
By doing this, I just gave her another yr in assisted living before she is placed on Medicaid. (The rates have gone up 4X this yr and I don't know why and even the mgr didn't have any useful info on that front.) Cousin P has no idea she has such a small amt left and I do not want to tell her.
She is going to have an absolute fit! I dread it. She is the world's biggest Drama Queen. I am going to have to remove one dresser and one desk and one end table so that everything fits in the smaller room. She's going to protest but there is nothing she can do. I don't know whether to take her out of the building while this is going on or what to do!
I will call the management and ask for help. They said they'd move the furniture. That was nice. I guess.
The good news is, she gets to keep the cat.
How do I go about telling her? And how far in advance? We are planning on the 16th. Her memory is shot, but she remembers anything emotional. That's the only part of her brain that "works."
P.S. She has SS and two small pensions, but not enough to break even for even the smaller room each month.

 

[1905]

Tell her those first few sentences. Don't say a lot more than that. Less is more in this case. Tell her right away, she'll protest any time you tell her...but she should have some time to process it and get used to the idea. I'm sorry it has to be like that anyway.

 

[TerryJ2]

Good idea. I am also thinking that she will be closer to the nurses' station and since she's always looking for her pain medications and complaining that they aren't there, she can go to the desk herself. I will tell her how close the room is to the nurses.

 

[svengandhi]

Once you get her Medicaid qualified, will she be able to stay in the same place? I was in the process of pauperizing my aunt but she died last week so, for me, it's a moot point. In my state, assisted living facilities have to petition for rate increases, but apparently they are granted routinely.

As for the move, I would tell her about a week in advance and let her see the new room. If there's any way that she can choose how to arrange the furniture that might help. I had to steadily downsize my aunt as well to have enough money to care for her and it was hard. I feel for both of you.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you have to keep making these hard choices for her. She is truly lucky to have you.

Is there a way to make the move about something other than money? Tell her you are moving her so that they can get her pain medications to her more easily and so that she can go and get them if she needs to, rather than that she is running out of money. Tell her that it has a better view, or any other positive points about the new room. if she complains about something in the current room, try to frame the new room as a solution to that problem if possible. I have helped with several elderly relatives and found this to be a really useful tactic when something just had to happen. My aunt tried for months to get my Gma to move into assisted living and Gma wanted NOTHING to do with it. Gma was terribly lonely in her own home after Gpa died and she got sick. My mom and I stressed how the assisted living would give her tons of social outings, she would not have to cook ever again unless she CHOSE to, she could have people come clean, tidy, deal with arranging her medications, and wait on her as much or as little as she wanted in assisted living, but at her home those were not really feasible. It worked and she ended up talking six of her friends into moving in within a year after she moved in. Years later my adopted gpa developed dementia and everyone had a tough time getting him to cooperate.

I know MANY disagree with how I handled him, but it made HIS life easier and less scary. Mostly I told him we had already spoken about whatever the change was and he had thought it was a great thing. I got away with it because he either thought I was his sister or his mom, and he never really gave me problems. I did NOT do it to spare pain or annoyance for myself, but rather to spare HIM. He got so upset and often made himself sick or so upset he fell or otherwise hurt himself in a tantrum. If it simply had to happen, well, it was going to happen whether he got upset and hurt himself or not, so why nto make it easier? I simply would say that we spoke about it and he liked that it was easier to get this or see that or he would not have to deal wtih Nurse Ratchet (his 'pet' name for one really nasty nurse, lol) as much. Yes, it was not being honest with him, but it made HIS life better and that was the whole goal.

You may have some luck with that type of thing IF you think it will work and will make her happier and have a better life.

 

[DDD]

Are you confident that you need to wait for Medicaid? My friend and neighbor had resources that made her life more than comfortable and a "tad" bit old-fashioned snobby, lol. Since she had no relatives nearby I agreed to be her guardian. We were friends for sure.

Anyway I visited the SS office, her attorney and then finally the Financial Director at the facility. In retrospect I found that she could have kept her home but she decided to do a reverse mortgage which is helpful so long as you remain in your home. Sigh. (I had nothing to do with that decision, by the way!) BUT the Financial Director was really knowledgeable and helpful. She filled in the papers so they could be filed at the earliest possible date and it was slick as a whistle. There were NO changes in care, treatment or room. If I had not shared all the info with my friend she would not have known she had crossed over to government financing.

Reading your post (and having followed your loving caregiver posts for years) I know you are very bright. on the other hand, as a CD friend it seems appropriate to share a little been there done that in hopes it is helpful. She truly is a fortunate lady to have you. Hugs DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all. The support is helpful. My husband is sick of hearing about Cousin P so I rarely talk about her any more to him.
Yes, she's still got "too much" money, lol! I have to wait until she has $5000. At the rate it's going, that will be in a few months, assuming there are no medical emergencies. Do you happen to know if you can draw on SS and Medicaid at the same time? I wasted a whole yr waiting for a response from the Veteran's Administration and was finally told you cannot draw that AND Medicaid. Sigh.

 

[svengandhi]

My mother in law gets SS and her community Medicaid and she still owns her home but it is being transferred into H's name shortly. I first tried to get VA aid and attendance for my aunt, as that allows you to have more in assets, but eventually went with Medicaid because it promised 24/7 care. Sadly, my aunt passed before the Medicaid could be started. You are allowed to have a certain amount of assets and income and any excess income goes into a pooled income trust from which your expenses are paid.

 

[DDD]

I haven't been involved in "the system" in quite a few years so I hesitate to say "yes" you can draw both. on the other hand the true experts on all the ins and outs are the financial directors at the facilities. It's worth having a meeting and then doublechecking in the SS website or at one of their offices. I also used "hypothetical" questions when dealing with the government instead of specifically identifying my friend by name or social. Yep, guess I was influenced by 1984. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you!

 

[DammitJanet]

Terry you can have both SS and Medicaid but it all depends on the person's income.

As far as telling your aunt, well you know I took care of my mom and had to have her placed in a nursing home at the end. She never had to move rooms but she did have a roommate from the beginning. If I were in your shoes I think I would ask if you could take her home one night for a visit and have her room moved while she was at your house. Have the new room set up as close to the same way her old room was set up and then I would just act like she was returning to her same room. She might wonder a bit but if she has dementia, I would just act like she was returning to her same room. If she comments on it, I would tell her that you dont understand, this is her room. Really no point in upsetting her if you can get by without it. I know my mom wouldnt have noticed if we moved her somewhere else completely but your aunt may not be quite as bad as my mom was.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you, Janet ... but she would definitely notice. She has a room with a glass door and window that open up onto the patio. Those rooms are bigger and more expensive. I will have to remove some of the furniture to fit everything into the smaller room. And the walls will be a different color. I am trying to talk to the manager to see if I can get the walls painted before she moves.
And ... there is no way she could even spend one night in my house. That was the only condition my husband placed on moving her down here. If she comes here, even for one night, it's Divorce City. And I don't blame him. She is a walking Emotional Vampire.

 

[TerryJ2]

I signed the contract today.
I tell Cousin P. tomorrow morning.
She moves upstairs Wednesday. Just shoot me now.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Terry, I will be holding a good thought for you.............may the force be with you!

 

[KTMom91]

Hope all goes well, Terry.

 

[dstc_99]

Good luck!


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