I just can't fix everything....just a vent

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I've shared the story before of difficult child telling me, after I exhausted all known remedies for knee pain (or was it ankle?), that if I really cared I would think of something. :crazy2:

    This is just more of the same.

    Last night, difficult child was upstairs and I heard her come out of her room, heard an exclamation of pain, then she started crying. I asked her what happened; what's wrong. No answer, just crying. I asked again about 10 times. She never answered me. This is typical difficult child behavior. She's 12 years old. If she's seriously hurt 1)usually you can tell by the sound of it and 2) she would call me. So, I didn't go running after her to see what happened.

    A few minutes later, she stomps downstairs cradling her hand and shooting daggers at me. I ask her again what happened. She snarls at me, "Why do you care? All you ever do is say you're sorry, anyway.", and heads back upstairs. STOMP, STOMP, STOMP...but no slam. Guess the kid doesn't want to lose her bedroom door afterall.

    Another few minutes later, she heads back downstairs and it's more of the same. I don't care, I only just say 'I'm sorry', blah, blah, blah. She closed her finger in the door so I got her an ice pack.

    She then proceeds to continue on with her accusations. I asked her, "What do you want me to do or say then? I need you to tell me what you need." She tells me that she wants me to offer suggestions on how to make things better. :hammer:

    I let her continue for a few minutes then tell her, "I offer suggestions. You don't like any of them. Then you become angry with me and yell, 'I've told you a dozen times that those don't work for me. WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME?!!' So, I've stopped making those suggestions and I tell you that I'm sorry you're hurt or feeling bad or whatever is going on at the time. I can't fix it."

    Her response? "You could try." Me: "What do you want from me, Wynter? I can't take the pain away or the nausea or the not being able to sleep. I can only offer suggestions on what to do for it." Wynter: "They don't work." Me: "Then I don't know what else to offer. Even the doctor told you to do the same things I've been telling you over and over and over and you still want something else. You insist that nothing works for you. I tell you I'm sorry you're hurting or feeling bad or whatever, and I am. But I can't take it away. I just don't have that power."

    By the way, the ice pack didn't work. I told her I was sorry. :devil:
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I used to offer to "kiss it better" but all 3 difficult child's started claiming that they'd fallen on their rear-ends!


    So, I told them that I didn't say "kiss" I said "KICK"!


    They don't whine as much!


    Sorry she's driving you so nuts!

    Lately I've succummed to being even more sarcastic. Remember the old joke "Dr. it hurts when I do this!" and the Dr.'s answer was "So don't do that!". Now when they tell me they did something that hurts I answer with, "ooo, don't do that, it hurts!!"

    So there you little difficult child's! You might drive me crazy, but I'm takin' you with me!!!


  3. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm sorry difficult child is being such a PITA!!! I have to leave for difficult child 1's psychiatrist appointment now. If I get a chance, I'm going to try to come here later tonight. difficult child 1 is sort of like your daughter when it comes to any sort of even very minor pain. I'll try to get back here later to let you know how I deal with it.

    I hope your difficult child mellows out soon!!! WFEN
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    :future: So sorry for YOU! I wish I could make it better - for YOU!

    in my opinion, and not in any way judging (believe me), but I think you are probably doing too much. This is just a game to her, and you are playing right along according to her queue cards. I think, that perhaps, the only way for her stop this is for you to leave when she is whining.

    I say this from my own drama king, only his drama is not as much physical pain but more angry tantrums. I know for a fact, he does not tear the house apart in anger when I am not here. And I know for a fact, he actually seeks out a solution on his own, when I am not here, rather than acting helpless. Much, and I mean a lot, of his tantrums are drama. Not to say he is not really mad - just like Wynter is in pain - but there is a certain increase in severity when mom is here - the attention component is an intense drive for these kids.

    So, when my difficult child begins his "tangents" I just leave. Sometimes, when I hear it coming - like your Wynter crying or my difficult child growling - I literally slip out the back door and go for a walk, or take a drive. I can act dumb when I get home, (and things are always calmer - amazing), about how I had no idea he was upset - or if I had not been able to slip out anonymously - I just acknowledge he was upset, and recognize how great it was that he got himself calmed down.

    Just my 2 cents, but I believe ignoring this pattern of hers could be the only solution. Every other super parent thing you are doing seems to only be reinforcing the sick pattern, but ignoring can be very powerful, and perhaps the most influential.

    Gentle hugs............ :smile:
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Beth - I do the same thing. What happened? Well, you're not supposed to do that (close your finger in the door, whatever), silly. She's not amused. :rofl:

    WW - The whole "you don't care" thing last night included that, too...the ignoring it thing. She's going to let me know one way or the other that I'm inadequate. It's ok. I have big shoulders. I know that I'm not and that she is going to have to learn to soothe herself.

    She had a dental cleaning Thursday and I didn't go back with her. She did just fine. She does much worse if I'm there.
  6. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    It reminds me of when difficult child 1 was here on a home visit. She grabbed a dish from the microwave and burnt her finger. Um duh use a hot pad. So when she came out of the kitchen I asked her if she ran it under water. Yes but it didn't help. You were only in the kitchen 30 seconds how long did you run it under the cold water about 5 seconds.

    I think they need some sort of drama/chaos in their lives. I know you step back. Just keep it up. We are behind you even if you can't see us.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My bro has a great line, "Oh, hon, you'll feel better when it stops hurting." said in a very sympathetic voice.

    I often jsut repeat this.

    Good luck.

  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My line?

    Uh oh, better get to the hospital to get that cut off.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    My son is a walking billboard for the ER dept. His file is so thick that they often "fondly" said "THIS IS THE SUITE YOUR MOM BOUGHT". He was/is all boy.

    Oddly enough the real real serious stuff? Like when he fell out of a pear tree and hit every limb on the way down, ripped the guts out of his arm? He came home, screaming, showed DF, DF calmly took him into the bathroom where I hear "We need to go to the ER NOW" and So I have to look and BLAMO.....out cold every time.

    Can't help it. I could give triage to a highway full of accident victims but when it comes to him? I'm the fainting lily. This actually worked to my advantage because when he only hurt mildly he would say "IT's not fainting bad Mom". Unless I passed out? I got the same difficult child treatment, no body loves me, everybody hates me guess I'll go eat worms.

    So = try passing out. I dunnoh. Not the greatest suggestion but at least you could rest, get off your feet and pretend not to hear the door slam.

    Not much help am I?
    Hugs anyway.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Well, for goodness sakes, quit saying you're sorry. She's like my daughter -- thinks if I say I'm sorry I'm only using words and there's no feeling behind them.

    I usually do something like, "I bet that really hurts. Is there anything I can do? Do you think I could kiss it and make it better?" (Yes, even 20 sometimes kissing it does help!) In other words, I put it back on her but I let her know I'm there if she needs me.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    BBK - We don't need to go to the hospital to amputate. I just tell her to bring me the scissors.

    My child has NO sense of humor. Sigh...

    Beth - thanks for the support.

    Star - if I passed out, I would still be accused of not caring. It would be that I didn't care enough to stay conscious. Trust me on this one.

    MB - I do that, too. She uses words like 'always' and 'never' on a regular basis when it might have been once or twice.
  12. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    kt is often the same way - I do suggest amputation; over ask her if we need to start planning the funeral. I'm lucky - kt does have a sense of humor & generally starts giggling.

    On those times when she will not be comforted I could offer her the moon & it wouldn't matter.

    Better luck next time.
  13. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get back to you until now. I read the others' responses and I agree with those that believe that it might help if you don't let yourself get wrapped up in the drama that she seems to like to create. Weeping Willow did a great job of explaining exactly how I feel too.

    difficult child 1 used to keep us up all night with his screaming if he had so much as a hangnail. Over the years, I've learned to acknowledge his pain and walk away. When there isn't an audience, difficult child 1 seems to calm down much faster.

    I think it is just in the nature of our difficult children to LOVE to create chaos. And, as others have said, they LOVE the attention they get from it. in my humble opinion, I don't really think it matters if the attention is positive or negative. As long as they're the center of attention, it's ok.

    I know how miserable it is when you have to deal with this sort of behavior constantly. From reading your posts, I know you are a great mother and love your difficult child very much. in my humble opinion, I think that deep down, difficult child knows this too.

    Just put on your :warrior: and don't feel bad about walking away... Don't listen to difficult child's comments designed to draw you back into her drama by trying to make you feel guilty.

    I hope today is a much better day for you. WFEN