I just needed to write this down somewhere

[saving grace]

This is going to be long, I am not looking for responses or guidance I just need to get this out of my head. I do not have a journal and the next best thing to that is CD. I just need to write it down to see if it makes sense.

My son has been back in my house for just about 2 months. He didnt go to rehab as planned. I am not speaking to either of my sisters, the 2 sisters that he had been living with for the past year. I tried to explain to one of them WHY I am keeping away and I realized how deep it is, how very hard it is to explain.

I had my son when I was 17, I didnt know much about being a parent, I was still a kid. I spent what feels like a life time not thinking for myself, I was told over and over what I should do, what I was doing wrong, sometimes what I did right, but I always thought that my way wasnt good enough, my sister and her husband always made me feel judged. I dont agree with alot of the things my brother in law does or says or thinks. but I never said anything. When difficult child was small he did alot for him, he spent alot of time with him, doing guy stuff and being the Dad that was not in his life. As difficult child got older and started to have trouble brother in law tried to help but couldnt then when difficult child had real trouble like with the law and with the drugs, brother in law stepped back. He didnt want anything to do with him, he was cold to him and sometimes downright rude. My sister would say that difficult child needs to earn his respect back, but no matter what difficult child would do it was never good enough for him. I almost felt like if difficult child was not who brother in law thought he should be then he didnt love him.
I had enough of it and told my sister just that.

Now about difficult child, I asked myself over and over, "what is he doing here" "why am I letting him stay here" and I think my answer is this. When difficult child was out and roaming the streets and living who knows where, I spend night after night not knowing if he was dead or alive, thinking about how awful his life was. I also would think about his death, I knew he was going to die, I knew I would get a phone call telling me he was found somewhere, some dirty place, some basement somewhere and he would be dirty and skinny and who knows what else. He would have died thinking that I didnt love him, thinking that he had nothing in the world.

I think that I am still preparing for him to die... I am just trying to change the way it happens in my thoughts. Does that make sense to anyone? I think if I Mother him, keep him warm during the winter, feed him, do his laundry, let him be here with his family that when he goes it wont be so bad, for him or for me??? Am I crazy??

I have a gut feeling that he was high a few times, I was sneaking around in his text messeges and am pretty sure I was right. What do I do? I have been asking myself that over and over and I am so afraid of him dying alone and hungry and dirty and in some smelly God awful place and I dont want to spend the rest of my life with the image of him dying in that way.

My son is an addict I cant change that, I guess I feel like I have to be able to change something I have been powerless for years in his addiction. Is this my way of changing something? My way of helping? Is it for him or for Me?? I do not want him to die that way. I dont feel like I am trying to save him because I know I cant. I think I am trying to make sure when he goes I know he was here with me and not alone. I think I have given up on his recovery and I know I have accepted he will leave me at the hand of his addiction.

I just needed to to get this down so I can go back and re read it to see if I made any sense at all.

Grace

 

[TYLERFAN]

Not that I am giving advice. I just wanted you to know that what you've said makes alot of sense. You still want to protect him. Your mommy heart is a shambles. I also wait and fear that someday I will get the same kind of call about my child. The images in my head about what could happen helped me aquire Post traumatic Stress Disorder.
Still I know my difficult child can't live with me, even if it proves to be the death of her. I know that in my house she will never hit the bottom that she needs to hit to get help. In her case, she will most likely have a terrible bottom.
I have already made up my mind that if she dies out there, then God is going to take care of it as well as our future. It's not that I'm not scared of her dying, I have practiced accepting it. I will tell you one thing, I hope while living in your house he is getting help, going to meetings, etc. It is an absolute that they do this......
Please let us know how it goes, We care.

Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[Fran]

Grace, I always figured that I can't cure my son but I can feed him, and give him a safe place to sleep. It may not always be the most therapeutic but it's something a mom can do. My ache,like most of the mom's in PE, is the fear that they will be alone, hungry,dying somewhere where no one will care about him.
I don't know the struggle of addiction but I relate to the fears. Hugs.

 

[katskeeper]

I completely identify with your post. My thoughts, fears and nightmares have to do with death. More specifically my daughter's. I jump when the phone rings and when I can't get ahold of her on the phone I immediately picture her lying cold somewhere with no one who cares. I think we need to face our fears and why we feel that way. At an Alanon meeting a mother of an older addict said that she found solace by reading books by parents whose children did die from their lifestyle and she came face to face with the author's death of a child and found that parents do go on. Carrol O'Conner's book, Nancy Spungen's mother's book, etc. it has helped me face my fear of the possibility of my daughter's death.

On the other hand, addicts are frequently "survivors" and they will be okay no matter what havoc they wreck in their lives and ours. I have to say that your post struck a nerve with me and made me re-evaluate how I handle our precarious situation and I thank you for that.

 

[Lori4ever]

I can so completely relate to your post. I would love to throw my oldest difficult child out of my house! I can't do it. Why? Because due to circumstances of his life, there is not one moment of doubt that he would commit suicide. I have already dealt with 2 police chases with him, some day it will likely be the end.
I am so sorry it is so hard for all of us. I wish I had an answer. All we can do is take a day, sometimes a minute, at a time. You'll be in my prayers. I know it's hard.

 

[gottaloveem]

Hi Grace,

Alex was never kicked out of the house because of his age. He was only 17 for one month. At the time of his death, my husband and I were coming up with a plan to get him out on his 18th birthday because of all the turmoil in our house. Although Alex was never an easy kid to raise, once the drugs entered the picture, he became unbearable. I didn't know at the time why there was turmoil. I now know the drugs were making him unbearable to live with.

That said, eventhough we housed him, fed him, drove him to work and school he still died due to his drug use. He did die at home and that was one of the weird comforts,that he died at home where he was loved. I am relieved that he wasn't missing for days, that he didn't die in some awful place and that his so called friends didn't dump him in a ditch some place.

Grace, I know the fear you live with. I lived with it for months as I tried to figure out what was going on. I knew heroin was in the area, I knew kids Alex knew had died. Alex kept denying, denying. I saw the weight loss, we noticed the missing items in our home. Even after I overheard a phone call that Alex talked about doing heroin, he still denied it. I made an appointment at rehab for an intake, he took off that day.

After I heard that phone call, I prayed so hard that Alex would stay alive long enough to wise up and get off the heroin. I guess we were given one more month with him, because he did come to me for help and with the help of suboxone got off of it for one month.

He was just starting to get nice, and I was just starting to let my guard down a bit when he died.

Now we live with the awful reality of losing a son.

I still remember those angst filled days of not knowing how my son was going to end up. Losing him was the sum of all my fears. It is what I feared the most.

It doesn't sound like your son is anywhere near wanting to get help. He doesn't think any type of programs will work and he doesn't want to go to any meetings of any type. Not everybody dies due to their addiction, how long can you stand him living with you while he indulges? Living with you gives him an opportunity to steal if he needs money for drugs, also your daughter will get to live with this also.

I guess your choices are to have him stay with you, or kick him out. Under the circumstances, both choices are awful choices.

We all know that nobody will get help if they don't want it. Your son could be homeless and hungry and if he doesn't want help, he will choose the homeless lifestyle.

I have no idea how to handle it.

I know that it has been suggested to you before on cd.com that you attend NA meetings or FA meetings. Grace this may be what will help you get through this. Have you tried any of these meetings?

I remember living with the constant fear and it is just terrible. Now we are trying to figure out how to live without our son.

We now live with a constant broken heart. But the fear of the unknown is no longer an issue. I know that may sound weird I hope you can understand it.

If I can help you in any way please let me know. If you think your son will talk to me on the phone, I would be glad to talk to him. If you want to call me, that would be no problem, maybe I can help you some how.

I may get Carrol O'connors book. Thanks to katskeeper for bringing it up.


(((((((HUGS))))))

PS: Don't forget your beautiful baby girl in all this, she needs you desperately.

 

[Sunlight]

tears here.
your son is still using and you are afraid so you let it go.

I agree that you need to go to meetings. his lifestyle is no comfort to you at all. please read "codependent no more" by melody beattie.

 

[saving grace]

I have read "Codependent No More" a few times. I recognize my actions. The reason why I told the story of my sister and brother in law first is because I think I am done doing what people tell me I "should" do. I have realized that it all hasnt worked and that now I am looking out for myself. Like Gotta said she has a "weird" comfort in knowing her boy died at home. Thats what I am looking for. I am creating the environment where he will be loved and warm and fed if the drugs take his life. I just couldnt bear the nightmares of wondering for the rest of my life what the rest of his was like.

I agree with you all about going to meetings. I agree.

Gotta... I think you may be the closest person who can relate to what I am feeling and I apologize for this post. I can imagine how hard this must be for you. I will PM you shortly.

Thanks guys, like I said I just needed to get it out of my head and say it outloud to see if what I was doing was ACTUALLY what I was doing.

Grace

 

[Sunlight]

"I am creating the environment where he will be loved and warm and fed if the drugs take his life."

grace, this is a very sick statement. if you love him, try to save his life, not make it comfy for him while he drugs himself. that way if he does overdose, you will know you fought the monster to the end.

alex was only 17 and his parents were trying to help to him to the end. see this:
" At the time of his death, my husband and I were coming up with a plan to get him out on his 18th birthday because of all the turmoil in our house."

 

[Sunlight]

by the way I was 18 when my first son was born. No one would let me do things my way, my mother tried to dominate him til he died.

I do know I tried all I could with ant when he was acting up. I listened to everyone, tried all anyone suggested, got angry at people who kept giving unwanted, already tried and failed advice.

ant got better when I decided if he was going to drug to death, he was doing it without me. I was not going to find him in a heap in his room one night, I was not going to guard him from himself. I threw him out in horror, totally believing he was going to die if I did this.

ya know what? ant hit bottom. He was hungry, lonely and sick from his lifestyle. he was lost, miles away. that is when he remembered me. he knew I would support him on his journey back up. I would let him alone to his own devices and death if he would not comply. it was my last shot, given that all I had tried thus far had not saved him from himself.

your son can get thru this but only if you stop making him comfy while he drugs. he has to feel the pain to improve. you are wearing blinders so you can mother him.

grace, I did all that. it nearly killed ant.

again..he only got better when he was cold hungry and uncomfy.

but, I will support your choices of what you want to do about your son. I am just saying it is not making you or him better. but I will be here til you are ready to stop this.

 

[Sunlight]

What irrational thinking leads you to become a caretaker?

The people in my life could not survive without my assistance or help.

They are dependent people who would fail or collapse if I stopped taking care of them.

They can't do without me.

I just can't stand to see them fail or get into trouble.

They are too incompetent to take care of themselves.

People expect me to take care of them and I could never let them down.

I am the only stable one around here and if I don't take control they would all fall apart.

If I don't take over for them, they would mess up so badly that it would take more energy to clean up the mess than to prevent it.

It is important that the people in my life be protected from failure, pain, hurt, or suffering.

I could never let them down. They depend on me too much.

You've always got to look after them since they are so inadequate and could never succeed on their own.

How can I allow other people to hurt and suffer pain? It hurts me not to lift a finger to rescue or fix them.

They are desperate and just this once I need to take over for them

 

[DDD]

I am sending you very caring supportive hugs. Each of us travels the road differently. Each of our children has a unique personality. Each of his seek support from our CD
cyber family because we are "safe" here expressing our true
feelings.

I care. We all care. DDD

 

[saving grace]

Antsmom

I think I said that wrong, I am not doing it on purpose, I am NOT allowing him to drug in my home! Once I can confirm that he has been using again while in my home I will tell him that he has to leave. This time I will give him a week or 2 to find a room or place to go, I will not throw him out in the street as I have done before.
He is trying, I can see that. I have my suspicions on his drug use, I spy on him but I need to have concrete factss to tell him to leave.

This is why I needed to write it down, Gotta was in the planning stage of helping her son, she had just basically found out about the heroin a few months before if I remember correctly, he son was on Subooxone and trying to do better. I have been through all of the planning stages. I know there isnt anything left that can help him but him. IF something were to happen, IF he relapsed I would prefer him to be in my home, not to say that if it happened he would be home but his current lifestyle would not be so tragic. Right now to the best of my knowledge he is trying to stay clean. He is home often, he got a job, he gets up for that job. When he goes out he comes home by 1am. I do suspect that he has used but I cant be sure 100%.

I dont know what I mean exactly, but I still stand by the fact that he can NOT use drugs and live in my home. I am NOT turning the other way and pretending its not happening. He will have to leave if he makes that choice.

Sorry if I am rambling on and on.

 

[gottaloveem]

Grace,
Don't apologize for your post. Drug addiction is an ugly monster to live and deal with, if I can help somebody here, then that makes me feel good. If I was having a sad day, I wouldn't be here.

As antsmom said, I wont judge you whatever you decide. I do agree that keeping him comfy wont help him face what his life has become with drugs and he likely wont be motivated to quit.

We had Alex at home because we couldn't legally kick him out due to his age.

Being homeless and roaming the streets is not what any of us have in mind for our kids. But if he wants the warm comforts of home, he has to get off the drugs. Keep your daughter in mind. You don't want her growing up in a house where her big brother is using drugs. Especially heroin, he is not setting a good example. And at one point, he might end up stealing all of his baby sisters possesions to get drugs. (worse case scenario)

If you think he is clean, then that is different, but you said you suspected he has used.

It is good that he is working at a job and following your rules.

Sorry to give advice when you said you weren't actually asking for it. Keep your own sanity in mind and your marriage, and that of his sister.

Please look into the NA and FA meetings. Please take care of yourself and your family. Don't ignore those who need you by concentrating all of your energy on your son.

I will be thinking of you.

 

[AliceLee]

Grace, I am crying as I write this, because I can understand your pain quite personally. It is the fear that keeps us up at night, gives us that knot in our stomachs, depresses us. We are MOMS--we're supposed to protect our children! At least that's what we've always been taught. Unfortunately, it's that fear and protective nature of ours that also gets in the way of their recovery.

 

[PonyGirl]

Grace, Just wanted to send ((((((HUGS)))))) to you.

You are in a supremely tough spot. I do not envy you.

Try to take care of yourself, my friend.

Peace

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Grace, it was a couple of years ago when I was at a NAMI meeting that I came to the realization that there were only three ways out of this addiction/mental health monster. difficult child 1 was either going to get clean and get better, end up in jail, or die. Once I said that to myself it was like such a relief. I won't like it if either of the latter two come to fruition, but I am at peace with it. There just are no other options available.

It was then that I realized, I had a husband who loved me, a career that I needed to keep on with, and another difficult child who also needed me. I could not expend the amount of energy I was expending on only one person.

For years I tried to get my mother in law to go to AA. My brother in law is an alcoholic but also used quite heavily when younger. She loves AA. She is so much stronger now. She has learned so many coping skills and feels in control. You too can feel this Grace, you just need to find a group that you feel comfortable with.

Please don't judge your sisters and brother in law too harshly. I'm sure many of the treatment centers use the same philosophy and if it works for them...there has to be something to it. I'm sure your extended family also feels sadness that they are helpless in "curing" difficult child.

If your difficult child is working and maintaining civility to you, that's great. But if it is at the expense of your other child, is that truly what you want?

We all have to do things that feel right to us. We all know our difficult child's better than anyone else also. This board supports your choice and also offers you different suggestions.

(((sunny hugs))) Grace.

 

[saving grace]

My babygirl loves her brother and he her, when they are together is when I see the real man I raised shine through. I spend just as much time with her as I did when he did not live in my house, she comes first. My house is full, ( my mom is also here for 2 months) and she loves it.

I am going to take the advice of everyone and seek out a local meeting.

I think I have the relief feeling you mentioned Sunny, thats kind of what it feels like, I just accepted that he could stay here and get better or stay here and die.

I like sitting down to a dinner and having both of my children at the table with me. I like putting his bagel in the toaster in the morning, I like saying breakfast is ready. stupid? maybe...

I live my life, I love my husband and babygirl, we do all the things that we want to do together. She is happy.

The minute, the very second that that is threatened he will go. I promise you that.


Grace

 

[Marcie Mac]

Grace, I have been thinking about your post for the last day or so - its a topic that weighs heavily on my mind lately.

You know, none of us have cookie cutter kids -kicking them to the curb may work ok for some of them, maybe a majority of them, and it could also turn out to be a absolute disaster for others - there are no pat answers in all of this - each of our kids are unique to themselves.

One can only do in their heart what they think the best course of action is - no matter what that might be. As wacked out as mine is at times where all of us here wonder sometimes just what planet he is residing on, his family unit is his lifeline - it would not bode well to have it cut at this point in his life.

Mega hugs Grace - do what you feel is best, and wake up tomorrow with no regrets about what you did was the right thing

Marcie

 

[DDD]

"I like putting his bagel in the toaster". Yep. I can relate to that. I also love when he gives me a hug and says thanks for the same darn bagel! LOL. DDD