I need a break

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Feb 16, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know there are days when we don't like our difficult children too much. A few nights ago difficult child got violent with me (I haven't been able to post about it) and right now I'm just finding it hard to be around him. As you know he has been violent before but this time I'm not able to let go so easily. How do you get past this feeling? Usually I am able to let go and don't have so much trouble.

    He is just so foulmouthed and disrespectful these past couple of days although he has had good moments and is doing o.k. at school. His moods are all over the place-happy, angry, sad. I just can't keep up. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. No matter what I do he is angry with me 95% of the time. He is this way to an extent with husband and easy child but mostly me right now.

    I have called his psychiatrist and we raised some of his medications. They said they really want to keep him out of the hospital and hope the increase will help. They also said though they are concerned for my safety and if he has any more outbursts I am to call them.

    I just want a break from the constantness of him. I feel bad saying this about him. I do love him but right now it is hard to be around him. I suppose some of this is cabin fever. The weather here has been keeping us in doors a lot. Spring can't come soon enough! Oh yeah-tomorrow we are supposed to get up to 12 more inches of snow-another day of going nowhere!

    Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening!
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    You need more than a break - you need a safe environment. Your system is worn down by the constant "threats" difficult child demonstrates toward you with the few breaks in between.

    Unfortunately, you know the routes some of us have had to take - Residential Treatment Center (RTC) being the first step. You are such a good mom - that doesn't mean that difficult child can continue like this. husband is a good man & steps in; somehow, someway, (brain wrinkle, mental illness, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), just plain stubborness) difficult child just doesn't get it - Mom is off limits - period.

    I wish I could take this away from you. I pray for you & yours regularly.

    Why would psychiatrist want to put off hospitalization? What will that prove? Why isn't he demanding a more long term, highly structured setting? Sharon - Residential Treatment Center (RTC) doesn't cure it all, but man if you catch it early enough you have a somewhat better chance of success.

    Sending you (((hugs))) & a big cyber break tonight.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You and your family need some respite on a regular basis. This isn't about love. I think safety as of one of the hierarchy of needs for a person. Your safety is threatened on a regular basis. Do you think he is going to stop hurting you anytime soon?
    It's pretty crazy that you live with it as much as you do. Sorry.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member


    its not cabin fever its' you need a break and i agree about the safety issue. don't beat yourself up for having trouble being around him right now.

    for crying out loud i have issue with being around my little difficult child after shes screamed how much she hates me and how annoying i am and has slammed doors and stomped her little feet day in day out i wanna scream!!

    ok point is it's normal to feel how your feeling i think with all that you deal with and handle.

    you should lock yourself in bathroom and takea bubble bath. that;s what i do its only safe room around i shut everyone else out. sometimes i go in there and take my labtop with me to escape it all. silly i know but ya gotta do what ya gotta do

    hugs are going out to you tonight
    i hope you have a peaceful night and a good morning and dont' feel bad for feeling how you do your only human afterall

  5. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

    My oldest wasn't violent but she said something extremely ugly to me and it took me 4 or 5 days to want to be around her. I can only imagine what you are feeling.

    I hope his medication change improves his behaviour soon.
  6. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    sending lots of hugs. I don't live in your shoes but violence is the one thing I won't put up with. Keep yourself safe.

  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sorry, but if he's being violent, then he needs something more than is being offered. My daughter was violent. The one thing I regret is that I let it go on as long as I did. I should have called the police the first time she hit me and continued calling each and every time she hit, pushed, shoved, threw things until she got the message it was not acceptable. Of course, my daughter could very much control her anger. She just chose not to. For your son, I'd be demanding hospitalization to get his medications regulated. If you don't feel safe transporting him, I'd call for an ambulance. Some things even we parents should not have to accept. Violence is one of them.

    I hope the increase in medications helps. You don't deserve this and you do have every right to be angry and upset.

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You know I think you're an awesome Mom. (I hope you do)

    difficult child's violence with the instability worries me. You and the family have a right to be safe in the home. The others gave some sound advice.

    The hospital might be a safe place for docs to figure out what is up with the medications, and hopefully get a handle on it.

    Warm ((((hugs)))) I really hated, hated it when Nichole was like that.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    My heart broke as I read your post. No one should have to go though what you have lived with for a long time now.

    I don't understand what your psychiatrist is thinking. That you should accept being beaten up as the price for keeping your difficult child out of the hospital?

    Your difficult child needs to be in the hospital ASAP. This is not acceptable behavior. What if he turns on your easy child? She has a right to feel safe in her own home, too. And what is watching you get hurt doing to her? I agree with Timer Lady that it may be time to look into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or EGBS.

    Whatever you decide, the violence has to stop. He is going to get bigger and stronger.

    Sending a big hug for your hurting heart.

  10. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    It breaks my heart to know you are being subjected to this. Truly. We should have the right to feel safe in our own homes. While I can understand objectively why psychiatrist wants to avoid a hospitalization, at the same time... at what cost to you?

    I'm sure you've scoured the place for services, but I think it's time to do again for respite on a regular basis. As I typed that, I was thinking, didn't you at one point have respite? I could be confused but... you most definitely need to get a break. I know you and husband are really good at tag team parenting but sometimes I would think respite at the same time would be nice too.

    Time is the only thing that ever got me past the anger/hurt/resentment over thank you's behaviors. I do know in the thick of the worst of it (pre Residential Treatment Center (RTC)), I had very negative feelings towards him for an extended period of time. It was a miserable way to live. We're not supposed to feel that way toward our kids, no matter what, but when our kids are abusers... well, it just gets really complicated.

    I worry for you, Sharon. I hate that you're subjected to what sounds like his very unstable moods right now. You're a dear lady and ... well, I ache for you. Sending many gentle hugs and crossing fingers, toes, and eyes that the medication tweaking will help calm things down.
  11. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I can't imagine how awful your situation must be! You absolutely need a break - to make yourself whole again and to be safe around difficult child. I don't have the answer, but as the other posts read, your safety has to come first. I lived in a violent home at one point and that walking-on-eggshells dance is the worst. i hope you find the answers you need, I hope you are safe, I hope you aren't hurt badly (physically) There has to be an alternate method as it sounds the way things are at the moment are not working well. My thoughts are with you and sending ((hugs)) your way!
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    :9-07tears:I am sorry to hear this news. I kinda thought this is what you were inferring the other day.

    Sharon, I have been "talking" with you daily on the morning thread for a years now. Our situations are similiar in that we are raising children of mixed or different races, we both have an older easy child girl and a younger easy child boy, not to mention our names! I have felt a connection to you.

    I have to say that this situation with difficult child is not going to change unless something different is done. Each and every time his violence has increased, so have his medications. It works for awhile and then it's back to square one.

    I don't understand why his docs are trying to keep him out of the hospital. What is the reasoning for this? As much as it will break your heart and change your immediate life, the goal would be to get difficult child some help - some intensive day-in, day-out kinda help.

    You are such a wonderful mother. You do so much for your children, to keep them stimulated and happy. I hate to watch from afar your being hurt. And I know the violence on the outside doesn't compare to the pain on the inside.

    Sharon, I think you and husband may have to face the fact that difficult child will be better off in another setting while getting a handle on his anger and his medications. You don't want him to continue on this path. Right now husband can step end and remove him, but imagine him being 14 and getting violent with you. You, your husband, and your easy child could be in danger.

    You have an obligation to address this issue for the benefit of all of you. I think the time has come for your family to take a really hard look at what is going to be best for difficult child. We all had/have visions of what we want our family to be. We have visions of the things that make a family. But sometimes those visions get in the way of reality. I know it did for me.

    I think the reality here is that difficult child needs help, needs serious intervention help. I don't thing he can get it while he continues to live at home and go to school and go to wrestling...... I think you, husband, and easy child need a break here. You are all three probably ready to POP!

    Please talk again with the docs about a game plan here. You sould not be touched. I ask you Sharon, if a new poster came here and was experiencing violence from her difficult child that had been going on for awhile, what would you recommend?

    Lots of hugs and love :flower:,
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am truly grateful for your caring responses. I had tears in my eyes as I read them. I do know something has to change. I've thought of little else the last few days.

    Those of you who have gone the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) route, was the violence something that was happening everyday? The hard part of thinking of out of home placement for me is that the violence isn't happening every day or even every week. He is never easy but we do have relatively long stretches with no violence. The disrespect and rudeness and other behaviors are constant. The problem is when he is violent he could really hurt someone seriously.

    Hospitalization is something I would be o.k. with right now because if nothing else it would give us a break-sad isn't it? Part of the problem with hospitalization is he never exhibits these behaviors when he is there.

    We do need more respite. Unfortunately, we don't qualify for much in the way of services. We are able to get about 4 hours of respite a month and every now and then and overnight. Everyone we talk to (tdocs, psychiatrists) all say we need respite. They tell us basically because we handle things so well we don't get the services. It almost seems like you have to be in danger of harming your children to qualify for services. It's very frustrating.

    difficult child and I both have therapist appts. in the coming week. They are at different days but happen at the same project. They are the type who may push for hospitalization if they feel it is needed. He also has a psychiatrist appointment. next week Monday. Hopefully we can come up with a plan that will be better for all of us.

    Again I truly appreciate all of your responses. They really mean more than I can say.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sharon -

    I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. I worry about you and easy child as well.

    Another thing I worry about...the longer maladaptive behavior continues, the harder it is to overcome. That's the case for most, if not all, of our kiddos and runs the gamut with our kids from turning inward to outward violence. It becomes the behavior they turn to when frustrated, stressed, angry, annoyed, or overly stimulated. He needs to be in a place where that can be redirected, guided and new coping behavior taught and learned. That takes time...it takes time to break old habits and learn new skills.

    It really doesn't matter if it's happening once a week or everyday. Once a week is too much. And you and your family deserve to be safe in your own home.

    My understanding is that most psychiatric hospital's these days are mostly urgent care. Once the immediate threat to oneself or others has passed, they discharge. I really think you're looking at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I know how hard this is. I'm so sorry.

  15. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sharon, it isn't violence everyday or any one thing. It is the general picture of a kid who needs more help than you can provide. It is looking at the house from a distance and realizing that difficult child's behavior is sinking the whole family in one way or another. It is a kid who is in such a pattern of unacceptable behavior as to make you know there is something not healthy going on.
    You aren't giving up on him. You are trying to get him to be as functional as he can be or have him in the safest environment where he can have some sort of life.
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I agree with Fran. It no longer mattered that I could tolerate once a week physical aggression from wm - that was fine. I remember telling psychiatrist that once a week was tolerable.

    psychiatrist corrected me quickly; an adult could & would be charged after just one time. This needed to be stopped & stopped now. He too recommended Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - a psychiatric hospital would discharge wm too quickly.

    And saying that with wm they didn't discharge wm from psychiatric hospital (6 weeks) until an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) bed was found. I took 3 days off work & I had 3 phones plus email going at the same time looking, begging for a bed for my son. I worked my way up the state DHS & community mental health ladders. I contacted every adoption survival community I could find. And in the end something turned up for wm.

    I wasn't the only person working on this - our mental health case manager was putting in the hours along with our psychiatrist. psychiatrist was calling with our permission, the judge who finalized our adoption - hoping for a nudge in that direction.

    Once is too much - difficult child must learn new ways to cope with whatever emotion he is taking out on you.

    The family deserves better - it's unhealthy for every one of you to live like this. And it took me a long time to come around to that way of thinking. It took me a while to redefine the situation; to become family of different addresses. Didn't matter the addresses - we were still family. That is the thought that kept me going. Whether I saw wm everyday or just once a month that thought kept me going.

    To answer your initial question & kt knows the answer to this; no violence is tolerated here. None!
    The last time she teetered over that line she teetered herself into Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Verbal abuse is not tolerated - an immediate apology is asked for & most times received. Consequences are doled out if an apology isn't received - consequences that make an impact for kt.

    I hope your day goes well & that difficult child is cooperative today.

  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I too agree with Fran, Heather and Linda.
    When you get to a point where your difficult child is being violent with you, your perspective can shift to the point where you think "he's only being verbally disrespectful. He's not hitting today, it could be so much worse". When you're living with that level of stress and chaos daily, it takes a huge toll on your heart, your health, your family.

    No amount of violence, verbal or physical, is to be tolerated.

    My difficult child was manic and raging, and threatening his sister with a knife by the time we got him into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) last fall. If hospitalization or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the right choice for your family, please do something before things get to that point.

    {{{{Hugs}}}} for your hurting mommy heart. I hope that you can get respite services, and that your difficult child can get whatever help he needs.

  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Big hugs for your worn-out Mommy heart. I just wanted to add what a nurse told me the first time I took Dude in for placement. It struck home with me then and I hope it does for you now.

    "If you continue to allow violent and destructive behaviors to continue at home just what kind of a foundation are you laying for him for when he gets out on his own? How do you think he'll treat someone else's daughter if he's allowed to be aggressive and violent towards his Mom?"

    The thought of my son (age 7) beating up or threatening or doing the same thing to someone else's beautiful daughter allowed me to find the strength to send him to a place where he would have structure that I couldn't give (as I'm not 9 people on rotating 8 hour shifts) and observations for a psychiatrist one on one daily - for medications tweak - not to mention that while it was the hardest thing I had done up to that point - it also gave him a break from worn-out, tired, quick to criticize, snappy, sarcastic me.

    Respite if nothing else - There are a ton of people who are qualified, therapeutic "weekend" grandma and grandpa or aunt and uncle types to give you both a break from each other.

    You can try that before you try a psychiatric hospital.

  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes I agree too. My son and my husband were physically aggressive toward each other. In fact I had to call 911 many times. I thought someone was going to die. Today I am still scared of that happening again. Even though my son is in jail now - I know we will not tolerate that kind of behaviour again if he ever comes home for anything. It is a scary thought.
  20. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Sharon - for us, it wasn't the frequency of violence that pushed us into accepting the recommendation for Residential Treatment Center (RTC), it was the severity. Like someone pointed out above, we/I fell into the trap of thinking it was a pretty doggone good day if I only was called a (insert fave word of the day). Thinking on it, it wasn't even just the severity of the violence, it was how it was starting to severely affect the sibs.

    Even now, with placement in limbo, any serious thought of bringing him home is pretty promptly squashed by the fact that the other kids deserve to feel safe in their own home. That will not happen with thank you here. Even if he's not actually violent, he can be a very intimidating and verbally abusive kid. Kind of sick in a way - if it were just husband and me (and possibly Boo), I'd bring him home in a heartbeat, but with the other 2 kiddos, absolutely not.

    On the many *many* days when I feel guilty about having thank you out of the home for so doggone long, I remind myself that if husband ever talked or acted towards me the way thank you does, husband would be living the single life so fast he wouldn't know what hit him and I would've moved and left no forwarding address. We take an inordinate amout of real abuse from our children, far more than we would from anyone else. I don't think it's possible to really understand how damaging it is to you when you're smack in the middle of it.

    Snippet of life with thank you - he had a girlfriend for a brief period of time. Apparently, he treated her the way he's always treated me. He was stunned when she told him to hit the road in no uncertain terms. I just smiled and said "yep". Been telling him for years that there is no one else in the *world* who will keep coming back for more of his junk. I think he might believe me now. It's a lesson our abusive kids have got to learn and it's not one they can learn in our homes, in my humble opinion - the consequences we can impose are pretty limited and are not really the natural consequence of treating people like punching bags (or worse).

    It's difficult, Sharon.... the whole thing just forcefully inhales. Hang in there.