I need a pep talk on letting go

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've been doing OK, keeping busy. I finished painting difficult child's room and moved onto easy child's room where I just finished the cut ins and tomorrow will do the walls. It helps to keep my mind off things.

    Every so often I start to think about things and have to keep reminding myself of the serenity prayer. I won't go into details because none of it matters anymore, but things I recently found out makes me very sure difficult child will be fired from her job and probably arrested. She is spiraling down very fast and is doing many different drugs.

    While I know it is all out of my hands and we took all the necessary steps to get her off our health and auto insurance, I still have a hard time completely puttingher out of my mind.

    I want to go on with my life. I want to wake int he morning and look forward to the day, not wonder if the phone will ring from jail. I need a pep talk about letting go, there is nothing I can do to stop her and I can't pick up the pieces when they fall apart.


  2. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh Nancy-you know I understand. We are truelly powerless and nothing is more deflating as a human than to not have any control. You are doing all the right things. I think crying and feeling sad are ok. If you don't you will end up sick. It has to come out. I pray for all of us each night. I can't do anything else because only our Higher Power has any control. Keep writing and posting-I think that really helps get things out as well. A thousand hugs to you. I am in tears because none of us deserve this and yet here it is.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I am here and don't know how to help you stop thinking about your difficult child. You know intellectually what you need to do but it is so hard to turn off the emotions.

    You are doing the right things. Keep busy and turn to your husband and easy child to help you through this. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like your difficult child will need to crash and burn before she can start back on the road to recovery.

    How about your friends in the family support group that you joined? I know that they only meet one time a month but are they available for phone calls for support?

    I wish I could give you a big hug.

  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Nancy - I so feel for you... and I know how you feel too.. Our difficult children are so similar.

    So keeping busy is good. I am not sure it is possible to completely put her out of your mind... that may be an unrealistic goal right now. I know what has helped me in the past is to let myself have some "stew" moments where I would let myself feel the pain....and then get up and move on to something else. It is funny but when I go to church I often sit there crying because somehow that is a place where my feelings all come out.

    But keep finding other things to do, do things you enjoy doing, even if you feel somewhat preoccupied by thoughts of her. You are right there IS nothing you can do at this point. You have done all you can do. Over time I think it gets easier.... and remember letting go is a process.

    At this point I kind of hope she gets arrested soon... that may be the best thing for her right now to stop her self destructive behavior.


  5. jinger

    jinger Guest

    I check in every once in awhile and am sorry to hear your daughter is spiraling downward again. She may need to hit bottom, even if that means jail, to get up again. It's a very hard course for a parent to follow. You love your daughter, in spite of her addiction and bad judgement. I know exactly how you feel. You will always hold your daughter in your heart because you are her Mom. But, you are taking the first steps of letting go by redoing the bedrooms in your home to reflect how you live now. Another step might be to find something just for you outside your home that you can do on a regular basis, so you can move toward a new and different life. Small steps lead to big changes.
  6. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I wish I had answers for you... I think letting go is a process. One step forward, one back, side step, etc.

    Just keep talking. Take good care of you. You are very very worth it.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Nancy, you have proven to me that adoptive parents can love their kids more than the bios who have brought them into this world. This is a huge realization for me. I wish for you the guilt- free feeling that you have done your best all these years. Your daughter is so lucky to have you and your husband on her side. I often feel like strangling her. My bio mom cared less about me than you have during all these years of struggle.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Personally I dont think its an all or nothing sort of thing. I think you sort of slowly begin to allow them to handle their own lives. Yes it doesnt feel good. We want to kiss the owies because we are the mom's but we cant anymore. They have to do their own fixing. The other day Cory took a mental health day just for himself and didnt let anyone else know where he would be. I have a feeling he and Mandy had been arguing and he was a bit fed up so he sort of disappeared for about 8 hours or so. She was livid. She called here twice looking for him. In the past, that would have worried me and I would have been calling the hospitals and the jails looking for him but this time I just figured if something happened we would be notified. My address is in his records and on his ID. If someone needed to find me, they could. I wasnt going to worry about it.

    I have had to learn really young to put that worrying aside for Jamie so I just transferred it over to Cory. Lord if I had spent all my time worrying about what could be happening to Jamie first in the Marines and now working in law enforcement, I would be a basket case. Its out of my hands.

    I figure you hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I take good days and ignore the bad.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I know exactly how you are feeling, as we all do. You are not alone. You've done all the correct things, you've given her all the love you can, and now she gets to take that love wherever she lands. She always has that in her heart, even if she is spiraling down, your efforts did not go into thin air, she knows you love her. But right now, that is loving her from afar and allowing her to fall. She's made her choices, and you have no control over those. It is so hard, so very hard, I know. Our wounded mother's hearts are all there with you. I am right there with you. Hang in there, it will get easier, do what the others have suggested, stay busy, do things you love, keep yourself well supported, focus on yourself now. Letting go is the path now, for most, if not all of us. Big giant hugs to you Nancy, coming at you from all of us, surrounding you with our collective mother's love.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I sure wish I could be a great resource for you. My detachment is still a work in progress. As I recognize an area that I can improve I analyze and back off as much as I can. in my humble opinion there is no way to detach in one huge step because if you are not comfortable with the action you won't be able to sustain it. I'm sure you'll find your way but I'm sorry that you have to stay in the awful limbo of having a dysfunctional child. Hugs DDD
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Nancy; I keep thinking about that kite string. After much thought, I think moms DON'T let go. That's just not who we are. Instead, we need to start letting the string out...lots and lots of slack ... And know the kite may disappear from site.

    I am a newbie w detachment, but I've decided that it's not the same as unattached. I am letting go of the notion that with hard work I can somehow amputate difficult child from my motherhood.

    You've done all the right things: you supported her, helped her move, welcomed her back for holidays, went to meetings with her, and gave her the benefit of the doubt too many times to count.

    When my difficult child stormed out abruptly in August, I tormented myself with all the "what ifs" and "why did/didnt I try xxx?" When he came back in December, I finally has the chance to have the heartfelt talks, give the good advice, share my own stories and reach out to him. And it didn't change anything. And that's made detaching a little easier.

    You did it all, you tried so hard and YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER. It didn't work. Giving her kite string lots of slack means she can't keep yanking you along. During this tough week, I've put a lot of notions "in a box." When my wondering turns to worrying and then anxiety, and I want to text him or check his email- I remember "don't dial pain." Sometimes when I think of an excuse to worm into his life or of confronting him or I want to be passive aggressive, I think of Star*s "don't poke a bear." The bear isn't difficult child as much as his misguided notion that I am the problem because I want to run his life. And then he reacts at me and we go back to square 1. I have to remove myself from his life so he will have distance/space to recognize the real problem which is his lifestyle. That may never work, but it's all I got.

    It hurts, I know. But on some days the pain is a little less sharp. And I think the time will come when the pain is a dull ache we can ignore rather than the acute sharp pain.

  12. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Nancy: There are so many very wise women on this board, and you have received wonderful advice. When I worry and worry about my son, I try to repeat the serenity prayer over and over. It really does help me to calm down, at least for a minute or two.

    I hope that you can keep busy this week-end, and lean on your husband for support. Sending you many hugs, and prayers for all the wonderful mothers here.
  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    The waiting is the hardest in my opinion. I am always amazed that everyone esle can see down the road but THEM. It's sad to read all of our posts knowing that every member on this forum would do anything to get their difficult child on a safe path.

    I still work on detachment - but I am determined to have a life without spending all of it stressed out.

    One lady said she was feeling so guilty because she did have the money to give to her son, then she kept reminding herself that she worked for it, and giving him money wasn't helping him.

    I know thinking they are on the right path and then finding out the opposite is true is a slap in the face, or more like a stake in the heart. There are so many lies that I stopped asking difficult child questions.

    Hopefully we can all get to a point where we can step back without feeling pain.

    (((blessings for us all)