I need your wisdom.........

[Pokey's mom]

It's been a long time since I posted, that's actually a good thing. difficult child is doing so well, he's in 7th grade, mainstream classes making honor roll. Sometimes I think he's a typical teen, than he does something that is soooo aspie-lol. My fiance's daughter is another story. We have watched her over the past 2 years cycle from one extreme to the other, we have tried to get help for her but her mother just blames her father and there has been no contact between her parents for over a year now. SO's daughter loves this split that she has created, she has total control over her mother and her mother does whatever she wants her to do. This brings us to the current situation--SO's daughter graduated high school last june, she hadn't spoken to us in over 6 months, she tells us that she is going to college---a very expensive, private college---apparently her mother was able to get some funding since she was then a single parent so off she went to this expensive college. First semester she was on acedemic probation, now second semester her mother funded her tuition of $10,000. Now SO's daughter calls her father and demands that he co-sign for her to get $10,000 for next fall's tuition. NO, NOT HAPPENING!!! Never have we had any discussions with her mother and her husband as to how this kid is going to get through 4 years of a VERY expensive private college--nothing, just the 18 year old kid telling us to co-sign for her because her mother did.

Don't get me wrong, we are not against her going to college, in fact, she could have gone to numerous colleges and had funding through grants, ect. We could have worked together and had one side pay for one semester and the other parents pay for next semester, whatever, things could have been done with much less stress. But SO's daughter will ONLY go to this college and has no idea how she is going to pay for it--thanks to her mother who let her run the show from the start. We talked to her about transferring or going to a community college--she told us "I'm better than that" so it goes on.......there is no talking to her and until her mother tells her "NO" her grandiosity will get the best of her.

Are we wrong for not helping her? She has no planning for how she will get through the next 3 years, but she is majoring in business admin and finance, yikes!!!!!

 

[Marguerite]

SHe really does sound out of touch. I'm afraid I can't help you much, this is way out of my league because this is where the US cultural and educational situation is too different to ours; but if she is basically asking you guys to give her $10,000 absolutely unconditionally, and SO doesn't owe for any back support or anything, I wouldn't be doing it without A LOT of discussion about options. What is she expecting to do next semester? And the one after that? Will she even answer these questions?

As for the "I'm better than that" - better than WHAT? The aim of the exercise is to get a good education, which surely should go beyond making connections for later exploitation (which you can do at any college, anyway).

Our kids - went to whatever they could afford. The Aussie government has a "study now, pay later" option with our universities (pay a LOT of money later). Some parents pay up front, with the hope that maybe their kids will pay them back (or maybe they just are prepared to pay with no conditions). But most of us just can't afford that sort of thing. easy child went to a fairly down-market university, but the standard was high enough for her to be doing well professionally, now she has her degree. Any social connections from her student days are of no use at this early stage - if they ever will be. If she had demanded we pay her way through our most prestigious and exclusive university - sorry kid, you can't get blood out of a stone. Besides, where will you get the best education? Talk to prospective employers and employment agencies as to which institution they prefer their graduates to be from, and see what their response is.

I'm sure others will be along who can give you much more relevant advice.


Marg

 

[busywend]

If she has managed to get herself off of academic probation I would pay for it.

 

[Sunlight]

hi Ruth,
long time no talky!
Ruth, my brother was stuck paying for a very exp private college for his daughter. her mom chose it, pushed it and then laid it on my brother to pay it. by law in PA he did not have to pay it. he did it out of pressure.

the daughter is now a nanny. never did work at her chosen profession, graduated well from college but truthfully only went because her mom pushed it.

I would not pay.

 

[Pokey's mom]

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Thanks for all that have posted so far. I will back up a bit and give you some more history about this child. When her father and I first started dating, over 2 years ago, she was at my place for dinner with us when she totally flipped out, just started yelling and going off at her dad, scared my difficult child out of his wits as he had never seen anything like that--not even his meltdowns where that bad. She called her mother to come get her and slammed her way out of the house. Weird thing was her mother never called to see what the heck just happened. Well that was just the beginning, I started seeing her cycling pattern..manic near April(her birthday month) than by October she's back down and we are all a bunch of SOB's. No contact from her over any holidays. The first year she was still in high school so we could really keep better track of her moods. Looking back her father said she had always been like that, just when you are living in dysfunction you begin to think it's normal. She really seemed to go "over the edge" when her grandmother (my fiance's mother) died in 2002. SO told me that the past 4 years were totally out of control with her. The thing is that her mother will have NO contact with us. We have tried so many times to talk with them about our concerns with her-invited them to our home for dinner, ect. They just think her behavior is OK, and the favorite line is "she's just mad at you".

This is way more than teenage stuff, the kid is unstable--bipolar runs hard and heavy on both sides of her tree. She's so far out there on her view of reality and she runs the show at her mother's place. SO was put through the wringer with his ex, but he still sent a check every month for difficult child, that is until his exwife told him not to talk to her, write her ect---talk about "biting your nose to spite your face" As far as their divorce agreement--it's about as "rednecked" as you can get-exwife wrote it herself, no lawyer involved--all her choice. SO just wanted to get away from her. So there is really nothing that holds him to paying for anything, but he still feels guilty. He just wanted a relationship with his only child, but they can't even talk without her going into a tirade about some sort of perceived injustice.

She emailed yesterday and amongst her ranting it seems that she is very jelous of her father's relationship with my difficult child. That is a good relationship, difficult child listens to and respects SO. His daughter has no respect for anyone, not even herself I fear. We have copies of emails that she has sent to us, they are just sick, it's a sad situation but until she does something so that her mother will "wake up" and see that her daughter is really bad off I fear she will continue down this road.

So really, it's more than just the money, and maybe this will be the begining of her getting the help that she needs, she's on a downward slope going very fast.

 

[skeeter]

we're in a similar situation here. husband's daughters are far away in both miles and connectivity. In fact, we didn't find out that his oldest had dropped out of high school, with her mother's permission, until a year after the fact.
She has since gotten her GED and is attending some college (she says she wants to be a psychiatrist, but at this rate she won't get there until she's in her 60's!). Ex made some comments early on about helping with tuition, but husband told her to take him back to court (the divorce was all HER way and she really got the golden egg) if she wants anything (legally he could stop paying support the day she turned 18 since she was no longer in school). So far the ex hasn't done this, and the daughter hasn't said a word to him about paying, so we don't.

I'd say it's time for your husband to talk to a mediator and get something back into court if possible.

 

[Pokey's mom]

No matter what SO does he will be the "bad guy". We cannot condone her living above our means, there is no talking WITH her, she only talks AT you. There is no going to court-we were already told by a lawyer that the so called divorce agreement that ex wrote wasn't worth the paper is was written on, but she basically got nothing--again she never planned ahead either. This may be the only way that she gets help, facing reality may just put her "over the edge", she needs evaluated by a psychiatrist--if she were stable we would probably help her out, but with this current situation we won't be left holding her debts. And she would drop this on us just because she could.