I really hate this whole situation

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Mar 30, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I have some Easter stuff and a few other things for difficult child and was going to meet him at the library today and drop it all off. I made it clear to him that I was only meeting him, dropping the stuff off and leaving. I told him I wasn't bringing easy child/difficult child bc he is having a hard time dealing with all of this. He messaged me back saying he didn't want anything. He also said that he can't believe that we allow him to be homeless when we have a nice house and an extra room with an extra bed. How can we be so heartless he wants to know. He told me I only care about my husband and that its obvious to everyone that he and his brother mean nothing to me. He said we do nothing to help him and no one cares about him. According to him he's taking his medications for us and that the dr said he doesn't need them because he's normal. He said the dr prescribed them to humor us. Yeah right.

    I remained calm and told him that he's entitled to his feelings just like we're entitled to ours. I didn't go to see him but I'm feeling badly about that now.

    I'm emotionally numb at this point. I don't know what more I can do to help him and he's not in a position to help himself. He can't come here to the house and he's banned from the shelter for not following rules and being verbally abusive to the staff. He doesn't try to get himself help. He's desperate and that scares me. He's literally at rock bottom and he knows it. I'm so afraid of what's going to happen. I really don't see a positive outcome.

    I hate this whole situation. I don't know what to do. It's horrible and so sad.
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling much better now. I m not going to beat myself up. I know I'm doing everything I can for him whether he realizes it or not.
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. It really stinks. I'm sorry.
  4. You truly are doing and have done everything you can for him. Don't take his words to heart. He is desperate and desperate people say desperate things. He is trying his best to manipulate and guilt you into enabling him.

    If this is his rock bottom then maybe that is a good thing. Maybe he'll realize he doesn't want to live this way and finally realize he has to be willing to take the help that is being offered to him.

    Hold your ground. You're doing a great job. If you were to let him come to your home the result would be what got him kicked out of the shelter or worse. Don't do that to your easy child, yourself or your husband.

    Enjoy this weekend with your family and indulge in a little chocolate.
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I don't know why they seem to want to hurt us JKF. But I do know they choose their words as skillfully as a surgeon wielding a scalpel. I was so proud when I read that you told him he was entitled to his feelings. These are phrases I am going to keep in my own mind. I'm sorry you were feeling badly. I understand the emotional numbness you describe. You responded beautifully, though. Maybe we need to remember that, if we're doing it right, none of our interactions with our difficult children while they are self-destructing are going to go well. I need those words in my heart, too. It sucks, but it's better than being manipulated and played for a fool again and again. And you are right. You have to protect difficult child's younger sibling from difficult child's influence.

    I included that last line because it tells me difficult child does not belong in your home. Not for Easter, and not ever, until he is willing to own up to the problems he has created, for himself and for those who love him.

    One time? We were doing a family holiday. difficult child (different difficult child!) was on the streets and going a wrong way. I just couldn't get it together to celebrate the holiday with family. It was too raw. But I had to, because we had a houseful coming. Know what I did? I set a place for difficult child in my bedroom, where no one could see. It brought me comfort. It was a way of marking and externalizing the grief I felt and leaving it there.

    Terrible situation, JKF. I think you really handled everything well.

  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you 're feeling better JKF, you've been on a bumpy road for awhile now, most of us know how stressful that is. I'm so sorry. However, really, you're doing a wonderful job pulling yourself back from the edge of despair. WTW said it right, "He is trying his best to manipulate and guilt you into enabling him." And, you didn't. It's one huge step on the detachment path, especially when they pull that "you have a warm bed and I'm out in the cold" card and do it around a holiday, double whammy for parents.

    Hang tough, this is where it gets a little hairy, as they go deeper into natural consequences, they pull out all the manipulation moves on you, if you don't bite, then he can choose which way he wants to go. He's not stupid, he's just used to getting his needs met by manipulating. You aren't playing, so he has to find a different way.

    I hope you have a peaceful and enjoyable Easter...........and I agree, chocolate will definitely help! :easter_eggs:

  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I agree it is so very hard, stay strong! I felt so hurt when my difficult child's girl friend said I should be on trial and sent to prison for the way I treated difficult child. She said I was spending all this money on my hobbies when he had nothing, I never loved him only his sister.

    I wanted to say I worked for mine, get off your fat a** and get a job, but I bit my tongue and just hung up the phone. difficult child is 34yo and she is 38yo and she still thinks the family should support them. I'm passed the guilt, but when someone accuses me of being a bad mother it still can make me second guess myself.

    I may never hear from my son again, regardless, I could not continue with our relationship until he gets serious about helping himself. The things my son did to me physically and emotionally I have forgiven him for, it's in the past, I refuse to allow him to treat me that way ever again.

    It is stressful dodging questions from family, especially today at our family Easter party. I don't want him to be talked about when he is not there to defend himself, and they don't know all of the facts. I only discuss my difficult child with his sister, hubby, and a little with one sister.

    (((huggs and best wishes)))
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I wish I had more energy right now to reply to all of you individually but I'm so exhausted and spent. I have read all of your replies over and over again and I can't thank you enough for the support and advice and kind words. It truly gives me the strength to go on.

    I'm sitting here in my warm house and can't get difficult child out of my mind. Where is he sleeping? What is he doing? Is he safe? Is he cold? Hungry? Ugggh! Omg this is horrible. So painful and I don't know how I'm still sane bc I really want to fall apart. I want to rescue him but I know I can't. What hurts the most is that I DO have a warm home and an extra bed yet my child is out on the cold streets. But I know I can't bring him here because our lives will become unbearable. He'll steal from us, threaten us, make us feel unsafe in our own home. I have given him chances to live here before and each time it has ended worse than the time before. Last time it ended with him threatening to kill me. That still scares me to the core to this day.

    In spite of everything difficult child is still my son and I love him with all of my heart and soul. The pain of this whole situation is almost unbearable. But I'm going to force myself to stay strong and move forward no matter what happens.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2013
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As hard as it is, remember, he HAD a warm place to sleep and to eat, but he chose to go so far over the edge that he couldn't stay with you. And he could come back again too if he would stick to the rules. You can't support him all of his life. That's not good for him or you.
    His lifestyle is his decision. You didn't make him homeless. He did.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh JKF, it brings back a flood of memories to read your post, God, I know exactly how you are feeling and it really does feel unbearable. It is the worst thing that we parents go through I think. I recall feeling that way so many times this past year, you can't allow them back because you know the devastation that causes, and yet, leaving them "out there' causes so much sorrow and worry for you. I hear you.

    I recall one of the first times I responded to you was when you were just terrified he would come home and make good on his promise to harm you. You were up worrying and Buddy said she would stay in contact with you.................just in case................it was very scary.........you were afraid of HIM. I completely agree that you need to keep him away from your family and you, there is no other choice. And, I also know how much it hurts your heart to make that choice.

    There are no easy ways through this, I wish there were, but there aren't. It's a process, one which takes a toll on us, because of the fear of the unknown, because we've made this choice to keep them at a distance because of their behavior, however, regardless of the reason, they are still our kids, no matter what. I know JKF, I really do know how painful this is for you. I felt at times that my heart would not be able to withstand that pain. But, you know what? It did. And, I got stronger. And, I don't know for sure, but it seems my difficult child may have turned a corner. All of the suffering and all of the worry I went through and I think she finally got that I would not be rescuing her, so she seems to have found her own way. While you are worrying to the MAX, I would bet your son is out there jiving and being a somewhat typical 18 year old boy, while you suffer the agonies of the ****ed. Really try to take deep breaths and each time you do, surround him with love. Every single time your mind starts to worry and go down that path, shift gears and send him love. Someone told me to do that a few months ago and it has helped me a lot. It changes the fearful brain chemistry you've got going............shift out of that groove. You may have to do it a hundred times a day, but that's okay, do it 100 times a day then. When you worry you put yourself in that fearful dark place of all the what ifs, it's grueling on us, so make a conscious effort to stop that and shift over to sending him love until the worry subsides.

    We're all right there with you JKF, you're never alone, you've always got us, we're all cheering you on every day. You'll get through this and you'll be stronger and wiser and you will have very well developed boundaries which, incidentally, will be very advantageous in all the areas of your life, you just can't see it quite yet. Hang in there, you're doing great............(((HUGS))))
  11. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    RE, your response is so genuine and raw, you just made me cry. Sending thoughts of love instead of having thoughts of worry is actually an activity with a purpose, and it's a beautiful suggestion.
  12. PTSDmama

    PTSDmama New Member

    JKF - big hugs to you. i really hope your difficult child finds his way back. i can relate to a lot of what you wrote and all i can say is, you're not alone. so many of us have children who rip our hearts out.

    i meet people all the time - good people, professional people, nice people, people i trust with my health and my life - who tell me about their difficult children. it's a pain that never goes away - i see it in their eyes and hear it in their words - but they have come to terms with it because they have to. you and i will too, because we have to.

    scent of cedar - a few things you said:

    "I don't know why they seem to want to hurt us JKF. But I do know they choose their words as skillfully as a surgeon wielding a scalpel." oh my god, yes. no one knows just the right words to cut to my core like my difficult child. i always have to remember to separate myself from her surgically delievered verbal and emotional abuse and not take it to heart. i wouldn't be able to breathe if i didn't.


    "Maybe we need to remember that, if we're doing it right, none of our interactions with our difficult children while they are self-destructing are going to go well." i needed this today, thank you. i sent my difficult child an e-mail yesterday. i told her happy passover and happy easter, and that i love her and miss her. it was that simple. and i got back the surgeon's scalpel. i know my difficult child needs help. i know she can only maintain herself this way for so long before something in her gives, for better or worse. i am trying to not take it all personally and you're right - she is self-destructing and our interactions aren't going to go well.
  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I'm not trying to make light of the emotional pain for you....................
    I think as caring parents we always think of keeping our children safe, warm, and fed. Now that my difficult child is almost 35yo I still worry about him. Now that he has gone NC I have days that are difficult to do anything, and I have others that are very peaceful. I make myself go to the gym and I meditate. Each morning I give thanks for the positive in my life and I ask for peace, guidance, and help for my son.

    My trip started first with my husband, and my son started very early. Looking back I feel as if I have been involved in this nightmare my entire life. It is the hardest when our children are young and we are still trying to force them in the right direction. My difficult child appears to simply not learn from his mistakes, and it is always someone elses fault. The girl (38) he is with now is just like him, maybe worse, and she has caused even more problems. I have had to call the police to stop her harrassment and she tells him (and his sister) that I do not love him, and never have, or I would be sending money.

    I have spent so much money trying to help my son and in my opinion he is worse now than ever. My son was conning me for money for at least 4 months, saying he was homeless and needed money for food. I found out from a policeman that it was all a lie. He was still with girlie and they were using my money for alcohol and drugs. All the time I am going to bed each night worrying about my son living on the streets in winter he was having a very good time. More drama and she is in jail and after that period he was actually homeless and livng in the woods, he didn't want to go to a homeless shelter. I helped him again and months later he was back with her.

    They play us and we let them. My son threatens suicide and he cuts himself, one day he may actually kill himself whether intended or not. It breaks my heart that I can not force him to get treatment and help himself. My difficult child continues to make really bad choices.

    You can not make your son do anything and watching them make serious mistakes is hard. Step back and take care of you, easy child, and hubby. You are very welcome, this forum has helped me through dark days and helped me to have the strength to say NO. I see so many drug and alcohol related problems now - I'm not sure if we have more, or I am just more aware of them.

    Chamomile tea is wonderful and I have just started drinking Hawthorne tea. Do not drink the Hawthorne if you are taking BiPolar (BP) medications. I hope you are able to relax this weekend.
    (((huggs and blessings for us all)))
  14. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    Tiredof33, my situation is very similar to yours. Please keep me posted. My topic is under "Son and girlfriend in home for 11 days." They have actually been here nearly a month. They have to leave on 4/7, but they are acting as if they will not be leaving.

    JFK, I know about your pain. Take good care of yourself.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2013
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    That is it exactly, Tired.

    Betrayal after betrayal, until we need to become cold, hard people who are strong enough to defend themselves, their hearts, and their families from their own, once so cherished, once so innocent, children.

    I have been on the receiving end of that "if you loved me you would help me" so many times. It's crazy-making.

    You sent hugs and blessings to all of us. I liked that very much. Thank you! :O)

  16. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It is so sad that we have to distance ourselves from our own children. It is the most unnatural act for most parents. It takes times and a determination to have a better life for us, regardless of the behavior of our children.

    My difficult child was difficult from birth and the drugs, alcohol, all combined with feeling sorry for himself have led to poor choices. He has had many people help him and many opportunities to help himself. Like a true difficult child they want instanteuos results and never think they have a problem. Mine is content to spike his hair, dye it purple, and hang out as a band groupy.

    My heart goes out to the younger parents just starting on this journey. I wish I had the resources for support when I started that are available today. The sooner you accept the fact that it is completely out of your control the easier it gets. These children can not be parented like 'normal' children. They refuse to grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. You have to force them!

    ((huggs and blessings for us all and a peacful day, the holidays seem to be hard for us)))
  17. ajb

    ajb New Member

    Someone told me to come to this website to air out my feelings and to talk with others about what's going on with my 26 yr old, emotion draining, life sucking, family destroying son. So I got on my computer a few nights ago when I was really upset, and started reading some of the posts, this thread in particular. After reading for awhile, I realize I don't have to tell my story; it's the same as all of yours. Yes, he's dual diagnosis, bi-polar and opiate addiction. Yes, he's been hospitalized briefly and jailed for 4 months. Yes, he's been in and out of our home, and cost us a fortune. Same merry-go-round, different horse.
    You people are amazing. I find just from reading your stories and the support you give each other, I feel stronger and not so guilty. Thanks! I'll keep reading.
  18. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, ajb. I'm so glad you found us. Like they say here? So sorry you needed us, but so glad you found us.


  19. peg2

    peg2 Member

    JFK, I think I could have written your post. My 22 yr. old difficult child is exactly like yours....I had to get a restraining order 3 years ago and the pain is still awful. Tried to help as best I could, even with the RO but you know that story!! Years ago was told not to come backtoshelter for 3 months, problem. was told what yours was, must follow rules,etc.etc. Anyway, myheart is breaking right now, mine is in jail for contempt of court, I would guess for missing a court date. has tried to call me(collect, of course) several times, but I won't answer. Bail is 1750.00 and although I could do it, I am holding tough because I bailed him out a few months ago(only 250.00 bail then) and he didn't show up for court so I lost that money. He is homeless now, like he was then, so he would just go back to wherever he was. I understand that would be better than jail and I hate the thought of him there but I can't do it. He was given tickets for no registration, having marijuana in the car and who knows what else. He must learn we all have to follow rules. I tried to get him to take some help but he doesn't want it.
    How can I cope with my heart breaking, I feel I am hanging on by a thread. he could be in jail for a few weeks until they set a court date. I pray and hope St.Dymphna(patron saint of those with mental health,etc. problems)watches over him. Why are we given this burden????
    Thanks, Peg
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    ajb and peg2...
    You may find you get more responses to your posts, if you start your own thread. When you are in a forum (not looking at a thread, but in "general" or "parent emeritus" for example), there is a button near the top of the page for starting a new thread.