I so need help!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by poison, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. poison

    poison New Member

    I have three wonderful children that are all ADHD, ODD, and two have mood disorders. Our old case manger decided she want my youngest son to live with her and started turning us in to child proction services on :censored2:.They told us we have to have the kids on a schedual and routine. We have tried them and they cause more problems.Now they want proven documents that show how its not helpful to kids like this. Can any one HELP???
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Actually, most ADHD kids do better with a schedule. Even better when you give one request at a time. Not sure you will find any proven studies on that one here.
    But, maybe someone else has more info. At least I moved your post up! LOL!
  3. branbran

    branbran New Member

    That is terrible, also sounds unethical!!! How can she just take your son to live with her - wouldn't that be considered a conflict of interest? I would think so. If I were you I would first call your case manager's superiors and then pound the pages of the yellow book and find me a lawyer. Call your local bar association and see if they have a list of lawyers who do pro-bono work. Call every lawyer in the book, tell your story and just maybe you'll come across a sympathetic ear. Call your congressman/woman. Call the newspaper, tell anyone who will listen!!! That is what I would do. Just my opinion.

    You didn't give us much information, how old are your children? My daughter is 16 and I was advised I should put her on PINS (Parent's In Need Of Support), through the probation dept., It is almost like being on probation. I was advised to do so in order to protect myself, to show that I have not been neglegent in trying to get help for my child.

    Although it is very difficult, it is true ADHD children do much better on a schedule. It is much easier to say that, than to actually put it into effect, I know. I haven't been too successful in that department in the past. My difficult child is in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) right now and she is on a much stricter schedule than she ever was in my home. And she is doing much better thay way.

    I know this is very hard on you, and you suffer right along with your children. Everyone on this site can relate. You came to the right place for support, kind words and helpful information. Hang in there hun, Keep us posted. :smile:
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Concerning a schedule - have you had one imposed on you, or are you able to put your own in place?

    A serious suggestion - these kids generally DO do better on a schedule, as long as they have some say in how it's set up and it's designed around them. And often with ADHD when you think about it, you will realise the kids have already developed their own schedule. All you need to do is write down what it is and maybe modify it as you need to, to make it work better.

    So, think about how things work in your house. I will use our house as an example, going back to when we had three kids at school.
    Mornings - the kids have to be on the 7 am boat, in order to catch the train to school. They can walk to the boat, or get a lift with their father - they still have to leave at 6.45.

    6 am - husband gets up, wakes difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2. TAKE medications!
    6.15 am - The two kids get their lunch packed. They packed their schoolbags the night before. They eat breakfast, or grab something to eat on the boat. It IS very early.
    6.30 am - they get their bags together with any special requirements for the day, such as sports gear, raincoat, books etc.
    6.45 - departure.

    7 am - difficult child 3 gets up (if not earlier). TAKE medications!
    7.05 am - difficult child 3 gets breakfast.
    7.15 am - difficult child 3 gets dressed - I help him find clothes, socks, shoes, underwear as needed.
    7.30 am - If difficult child 3 is ready for school apart from his lunchbox, he may play a game until 8.20 am. Meanwhile, I write in his Communication Book (unless I did it the night before) and make sure he has in his schoolbag, his Communication Book (updated) and his packed lunchbox.
    8.15 am - I give difficult child 3 warning 1 to stop playing. "Five minute warning".
    8.20 am - difficult child 3 SHOULD stop playing games, but a few minutes' leeway is permitted if he needs to get to a SAVE point. This is only allowable if it's not exploited.
    8.30 am - (note leeway time) difficult child 3 gets his schoolbag and hat and goes to wait for the school bus.
    Any time between 8.35 am and 8.50 am - school bus arrives.

    You will note that the schedule gets tightened or loosened, depending on how much or how little support the kids need, to stay on task.

    Afternoons -
    difficult child 1's school would get out at 2.55 pm.
    3.10 pm - difficult child 3 arrives home on school bus. (If he walks, home arrival is very similar).
    3.10 to 3.30 pm - difficult child 3 gets an afternoon snack while I check what he has for homework, and read the Communication Book.
    3.30 pm to 4 pm (or however long it takes) - difficult child 3 does homework.
    4.10 pm - the older kids get home from school IF they didn't miss the boat.
    4 pm to 5 pm - difficult child 3 goes to visit neighbour/friend to play, or plays computer games at home.
    5 pm - difficult child 3 should be home. Time to do chores; feed and water the birds. When chores finished, he can play more games.
    5.20 pm - the older kids who missed the early boat arrive home.
    6 pm - difficult child 3 has his bath. Meanwhile I get his dinner.
    6.30 pm - difficult child 3 eats his dinner.
    7 pm - husband gets home.
    7.30 pm - I feed everyone else. difficult child 3 computer games must stop.
    8pm - difficult child 3 goes to bed. He may read until lights out at 8.30 pm.

    This was back when difficult child 3 was about six years old. Now he is older, so are the other kids. We found we needed to get a bit more organised because we are such a hectic household sometimes, so easy child 2/difficult child 2 sat down with difficult child 3 and worked out a new schedule for him, just for evenings:

    6 pm - difficult child 3 organises the bath, checks the water temperature and if necessary, makes sure the hot water switch is on (we have solar hot water, it can be too cold in winter). difficult child 3 must stop games until this is done.
    6.30 pm - difficult child 3 runs the bath unless he has arranged for someone else to do it.
    7 pm - difficult child 3 gets his dinner. He has to then get his own serve of ice cream once he has eaten all his dinner.
    From here, it's a matter of getting things done in sequence - difficult child 3 MAY play games, but only if he's done as much as he can. For example, if he's had his bath and I haven't got his dinner ready, he may play games but needs to let me know he's ready for dinner. He also has to let the next person in line know that the bathroom is free.
    Teeth must be cleaned after dessert.
    If difficult child 3 is completely ready for bed, including teeth cleaned, before 7.30 pm, he gets extra privileges with computer game time until 8.30 pm. If difficult child 3 is late finishing his dinner and it's entirely his fault and he hasn't finished his main course by 8.30 pm, he forfeits dessert.
    8.30 pm - difficult child 3 must stop all gaming for the night. He may read a book or watch TV with the family.
    9.30 - difficult child 3 goes to bed, if he hasn't already put himself to bed.

    This schedule is written down on a chalkboard, but not with times. difficult child 3 has the times in his head. We have a more detailed file on the computer which we printed out and stuck on a door (our own family Wittenberg thesis!). But the chalkboard is more of a reminder of the sequence of things to be done -

    Dinner (plate put in dishwasher)
    Dessert (bowl put in dishwasher)
    Bath (towel hung neatly back on rail)
    Teeth cleaned (2 minutes on the electric toothbrush timer)
    Read book for half an hour minimum

    You do what works. And ADHD kids generally will develop their own regular habits.

    "Come home from school. Throw bag in middle of room. Leave lunch in lunchbox to go mouldy. Ignore homework. get straight onto TV or computer game. Ignore calls to do homework. Eat dinner when it's put in front of me. Play more games. Go to bed."

    Hey, it's still a routine. All you need to do is modify it, insert into it the things you want done, but leave the kids enough time to be kids in their own way.

    If the kids are on medications, homework is going to be an issue, because generally by the time kids get home, the medications have worn off. That's why we are currently set up so difficult child 3 does no homework (a benefit of home schooling). So if you want the kids to do homework, get them to do it ASAP, even if you have to give them their afternoon snack while they are working.

    Anyway, I hope this helps.

    A suggested book is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It can help you get into the kids' heads and really be able to work with them, from where they are at now.

    Good luck.

  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I agree with the others. I think they've given you excellent advice. Although my difficult children haven't been diagnosed with ADHD, I believe that schedules work best for kids with other disorders as well. We live life by a schedule. Like Marg, each child knows the schedule well. We have a copy on our refrigerator and each difficult child has a copy of their own.

    I have to admit, I HATE life by a schedule. However, I've found that routines and lots of structure work best in order to prevent complete chaos. As much as I HATE life by a schedule, the schedule has made life bearable in many ways.

    I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. I'm glad you found us. WFEN