I understand now!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Aug 9, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I think I understand now why everyone was frustrated with me. Actually I have been going to a counselor and my husband is going too! I will be going to some classes where this counselor will speak at my church. she is trained in addiction and is very knowledgeable. My difficult child went with me the other day. He was very honest. She told him he needed inpatient treatment - she is a complete stranger to him - this session was not rehearsed. Anyway he is living with a friend that likes the same lifestyle except his wife or girlfriend whatever is pregnant! Their life will change in about 3 months. I dont know what my difficult child will do. I am concerned about it being so far from any way to get anywhere. He is checking into telemarketing as a job. How will he get there? I dont know. When will he get a GED? I dont know. My counselor really understands me I think. I couldnt help but cry in the session - I just have always felt like if my child died I would lose control of myself and never come back. It scares me. Thanks for helping me all these days. I think I am going to do better I hope.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Isn't it wonderful when a light bulb goes off and finaly something makes sense? I am so happy for you - what a treat! Hope you continue to have lots of lightbulb moments - sometimes the first one makes the next ones come quicker and easier - :smug:
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Keep working to get there stands. It's a hard journey, but definitely worth it in the end. There were days when my son was out on the streets doing every drug imaginable. I would have felt bad if he died---it would have broken my heart---but I would have felt even worse if he had killed someone else while under the influence of drugs. I had to harden my heart or I would have not made it through those days. You will get there. I just hope that when you do, it's not too late to allow your son to save himself.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    To be honest (and not in a mean way) the reason *I* get so frustrated with you, to the point I don't want to help anymore, is that you never listen to us. Even now, it sounds like you are trying to fix your son and that you are thinking about things like GEDs and jobs while HE IS STILL USING DRUGS!!!!! This isn't a lifestyle (that's putting it delicately) he is a DRUG ADDICT. I so pity the couple he's staying with's baby...she has probably been exposed to so many toxins that she will never be normal...truthfully, the only one I feel sorry for is the baby.
    I wish you well, but don't see the breakthrough. To me, and I could be wrong, the breakthrough will be when you let go of him.
    I'm glad you like your therapist. Have a good evening :)
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Stands I hope you keep moving forward.

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't have a clue what it is you are saying that you understand. Can you explain?
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2008
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I'm glad he went to counseling with you...but one session is not going to make a breakthrough. Heck. I'd need a year before it knocked my head up straight. If then.

    It is NOT your job to fix him at this age. It is HIS job. HE needs to figure out how to get to a job, let alone have a job.

    If he's really serious, he would stay off drugs and go to every session with you or on his own. I've been around addicts enough to know that it's either all or nothing. The 'here and there' thing just doesn't work.

    I would concern yourself about YOU. Get yourself strong emotionally. I know it's easier said than done.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You may want to tell those of us who have given up trying to help exactly what it is that you now see. To me, it looks maddeningly like more of the same old "I can save him" stuff. You are still trying to talk him into a program, right? Does therapist not talk to you about detachment and concentrating on yourself and the rest of your family? I would want my therapist to help me with those issues if it were me...
    I admit I don't believe I can help you at all.
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2008
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    "Anyway he is living with a friend that likes the same lifestyle except his wife or girlfriend whatever is pregnant! Their life will change in about 3 months."

    Stands, don't count on it! Sadly, that's not usually how it works. People who are caught up in this drug "lifestyle" don't straighten up and revamp their whole "lifestyle" just because they've had a baby. Usually they just continue on as they were, only with a baby added to the mix, and the baby is the one that suffers for it. A drug addicts' first priority is not their children! That's why the foster care system has so many more kids in their care now.

    I'm probably wasting my time here too, but I don't understand why you sound so optimistic and encouraged! The only improvement I see is that he's finally living somewhere else instead of in your home. Instead of addressing his drug problem, he's living with people who find it acceptable and who share his addictions. When this counselor recommended inpatient treatment, did he listen? Did you? You're still going on about GED's and jobs and how he's going to get to this job that he doesn't even have ... and you're just sweeping the drug problem under the rug again! None of that is going to happen until HE does something about HIS drug problem first! You're making all these plans for him and ignoring the elephant in the room! It still sounds to me like you think that he can do all this and still continue the "life style" of a drug addict and that's not going to happen. It's like if he was on the top of a tall building, threatening to jump, and your main worry was about when he'll get his GED and maybe he can find a job in telemarketing, but how would he get there if he did? I just don't understand. Sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh, but that's the way I see it. If you don't want honest opinions, you've come to the wrong place.
  10. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I'm afraid I'm thinking along the same lines as Donna and others. What progress have you made if you are worrying about how he will get his GED and how he will get to the job, etc. Yes, these sorts of thoughts are common with me regarding my dtr and son who are out on the west coast. But when they come I remind myself that it is not my problem and they will have to figure it out on their own and I go on about my own business.

    And what is there to be so happy about if in-patient is recommended and he obviously wants nothing to do with it?

    The only solution for you that I can see is to truly let go and I surely don't think there has been a lightbulb moment yet because I see no signs of letting go. You are still right in there trying to get him to do what you think he should do while he does whatever he wants.

    When you really do understand you will feel a huge burden lifted from your shoulders. You will understand that you have absolutely no control over this situation and you can let it go.

  11. judi

    judi Active Member

    The only person you can control is YOU!
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Much more needs to happen, but these sound like positive steps.
    I am so glad that you are going therapy and that your son is not living with you. Are you going to therapy regularly?
    With reference to your son's GED, etc. it's probably best that 1) He get his addiction under control first through treatment, etc. and 2) As a mother, you might make a suggestion for him to get his GED or get him some phone numbers of places to take it...but it should end there. He needs to take the steps necessary to go forward on his own. It's hard to deal with, but its best that he learns to do things on his own.

    You mentioned that your son heard the therapist say that he needed in patient treatment. Does this mean that he will actually go? I hope that will become a reality and that you and your family will continue making steps forward towards good mental health.
    p.s. I agree with Jane, the only person you can control (and this includes your thoughts) is YOU! Especially since your son is an adult, this is where your primary focus should be.
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Actually the biggest thing I picked up on here, was the fact your son went to your therapist with you.

    You need a place just for YOU. He needs his own therapist. Having him involved in your sessions, is likely to frustrate you even more, because the focus will still be on him. I hope this was a one time only thing, and that you are now focusing on you, instead of him.
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Your son needs to hit rock bottom. As long as you are there to help him, he won't. How much money are you giving him to live with these people? What all have you done to help him while he's there? Your son still has no reason to stop using.

    Watching our kids hit bottom hurts. Not seeing it but knowing it is happening is even more painful. Those of us who have done it know how hard it is. We also knew it was the best thing we could do for our children. We put our pain and grief to the side to save our kids.

    Personally, I think you understand nothing at all and it is just another ploy to get attention from us. Sad to see it working.
  15. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    ....Baby steps....

    As far as GED, my experience is, my difficult child didn't give a rip about gettting a GED until he understood NO ONE WOULD HIRE HIM without it. That didn't dawn on him until well after he turned 18. He got his GED while he was in jail.

    Sadly, our kids don't get it until they're backed up against the wall. Your son is living with partiers, and all is well in his world. Susan, let go of the dreams you have for your son. It's not easy, but it's simple, not complicated. Let go.

  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    To all that think I am just seeking attention here I guess it is just a bummer being so lame as to come here to just seek attention which is very far from the truth. Actually not having my son in my house is a BIG step for ME. Actually I havent given hiim any money. I am going to therapy tomorrow again. I guess he will not be going with me. At least he knows she is there for him if he wants it - she gave him her card. I doubt he will go to inpatient treatment unless he is very desparate. I appreciate some of your comments and wonder about the others. I will take what I can use and leave the rest. I also wont let it make me feel bad because I know what you are trying to tell me. I feel I am making progress in my own way. Thanks
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Everyone finds their own level of tolerance for things.

    Everyday I went to work with a man in construction. We were working with huge steel ductile pipes, bolts and nuts. Sometimes we were 40' down in a ditch and had to be staged to get out of the hole via a trench box. We were required to have a hard hat, goggles, steel toe boots, and gloves. At ANY moment - we all knew that the sides could cave in and we could be burried alive.

    I figured I've taken enough risks in my life - I'm wearing all the safety equipment I can get - and I put a whistle around my neck so if it did cave in I could blow it and be dug out first. Once you face things in your life that jeopardize your survival? You accept the precautions. Until I had lived through it myself? I had no idea how much I was putting myself into jeopardy.

    A man I worked with continually every day was told by the super - to get a hard hat, did he have shoes with steel toes, where were his gloves. He was inexperienced and like a lot of us who have never had to go through a situaton where our lives can be in jeopardy he figured "No big deal", and continued to do what he did every day. Eventually it got to a point where he was sent home (loosing a days pay) because we all got tired of telling him to take precautions.

    One day he lied about his boots. He didn't get sent home - he had the rest of his gear. And a pipe fell out of the sling and on his foot, crushing it to non-reparable state. Had he had the steel toes on - he would have toes today. And despite all the warnings and well meaning advice- he continued to do his own thing, at his own pace - and eventually it cost him his toes.

    A few months after recovery - he showed back up to the site with TWO steel toed boots. The men laughed and said "You should have saved the money and just bought the right boot - your toes are already gone!" and they laughed. And he said "Well I learned a lesson on my own the hard way but I still have a foot left - and I'll need that so I can work."

    And I thought - HOW odd it was. Every day here we all were telling him how dangerous this job site was - and how every day he continued to do his own thing -UNTIL disaster struck. And I guess each of us has been there. We have or do what WE think gets us by until disaster strikes. I know I've been there - my marriage to a drug addict, abusive man - why did I stay? Why would anyone stay?

    And I think this may be the same for you Sue - You've got a lot of people standing on the sides yelling for you to get your safety equipment on because we have a good idea what will happen - and the frustration comes when we hear you get hurt. The hard part in wanting to help someone else because you KNOW what will happen is hearing them say "But why did this happen again?" and like the young man above that lost his toes - eventually we stopped telling him to get his equipment, and just let him go - and then he lied about his situation to himself and us = and he lost his toes. IT's not much different than allowing your kid to suffer the consequences. But one thing is for sure - that man will NEVER work construction again without steel toe boots - he learned his lesson because he was ALLOWED to learn it. High price? Sure - he could have been killed. But he was not.

    No one wants to see you loose your son. But eventually even caterpillars are given the freedom to fly. I like that saying that says THere are 2 things we can give our children - roots (which you have) and wings (which you aren't quite willing to give him) - wherever he flies hon - it's got to be on HIS wings. Not on YOUR coat tails.

    been there done that - coulda wrote the book. lol

  18. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Star, you have such a wonderful way with words! I've heard before that instead of "lecturing", tell a story to get your point across. You are great at this!
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think it would be a good idea if you printed the entire thread and had your therapist read it in preparation for your session, as it is probably the things that you feel that you can not use that would be most valuable to you. I also agree with Crazy that the only thing your son can add to your therapy is triangulation and distraction.

    I still am very confused as to what it is that you understand. Can you please explain? I think people are saying things that you find hurtful because while you said "I finally understand", you then posted the same stuff about rides and GEDs and inpatient and babies changing drug addict's lives. And you are including him in what is supposed to be your therapy. If you understand that we are all saying that you are the one who needs treatment and therapy, and mostly to walk away from your son, then you do understand. Anything else is just more of the same and you don't have a clue.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Star, that was FANTASTIC. That's exactly how I feel. Sometimes when somebody won't listen, I feel like I'm talking to a difficult child...lol. I feel like banging my head against the wall.
    Stands, I hope you progress more than you are one day because at this rate you will both die, even if you're both alive (if you get what I mean). But I don't feel I can help you. You aren't listening to anyone. It's the same complaints from you over and over again, and then we find out you did exactly what we said you shouldn't do. I don't think you're here for attention. I don't know exactly why you come here. I find it frustrating, and read your posts to see if you finally do something positive for yourself...and let go of your adult son, the drug addict. If your therapist feels you should give your son all this aid, in spite of what bad shape he's in, then in my opinion I'd find another therapist. There are good and bad ones.