As I've watched the tweedles grow emotionally, then wane & spiral out of control I think of the many times husband, myself & the treatment teams have given kt & wm "do overs" to learn. I now want a do over. I want to scream at all the nonsense & antics that are my difficult children. I want to "rethink" our decision to do the many things we've done to see if another way would have been better. I want to mother my children the way I was mothered. I lost that chance with the tweedles - the chance to nurture, the chance to snuggle & cuddle when they most needed me. I want a do over. I want the chance to bake holiday cookies with-o it becoming a crisis between kt & wm. I want a do over. I want to scream at the top of my lungs instead of being the therapeutic parent all the time - stuffing my feelings. I want a do over. I want my children home with me & at the same time I hate what has happened to them; hate the cause of their "antics". I want kt's dissociative states to calm; to begin to believe that she is a loving warm individual worth a great deal to others. That she is a brilliant young lady & to not just settle. I want wm to learn from the many many interventions, consequences &/or rewards he's been given. I want to see him succeed in life. To recognize his talents & use them to further success. I want a do over. I will not get it like the tweedles did so many times in their lives. I want a do over. I will not get it - I want husband back - I will not get that either. I want a do over. Funny thing, do overs aren't a reality in life. It may be something we use to teach our children, but the real world doesn't let us go back & "do over" life's decisions. AND with all the do overs I've seen kt & wm given it just doesn't work. I know many parents second guess themselves all the time - it's time to let go of hindsight. It only creates doubt, depression & despair. Sad ~ I still want my "do over".