Ideas for statement about money....

[toughlovin]

Just read the thread about practicing responses to things they say....i related to a lot of those and thought you gals/ guys might have a good way for me to word something i want to say to my difficult child through a text.

I have just read this good book nancy recommended called "Everything Changes" . In it she talks about kind of being the cheering section when they are working on recovery and not being critical or blaming as that only makes things worse but of course at the same time setting limits and boundaries.

So as you know my son relapsed about a week ago (again) and is in the more restrictive sober house. We cut his grocery money from $75 down to $50 for now. Of course i got push back from him which i did not fall for.

So if he relapses again when he moves over again to the less restrictive place he will be out for 30 days. When i talked to the manager he said if that happens he can give my son some tips on dumpster diving!


So my stand at the moment ( not sure husband is on same page yet on this) is that if he gets kicked out then that will be the end of us adding money to his grocery card....plus i would like to decrease it anyways to encourage him to find a job.

So how do i say all that in a positive way? Any ideas?

TL

 

[Signorina]

TL - I don't know. I think it's likely a far better conversation to have over the phone than via text. But honestly, I have failed miserably in trying to get through to my difficult child - so my advice may not be best. I might try to ease my way into it - challenge him to start banking his grocery dollars by spending less than $50 a week so that he can get used to making money stretch in preparation for his life outside of the sober house?

 

[HaoZi]

I want to say some places you can place restrictions on gift cards like "for food only" and whatnot, so they can't use it for cigarettes or even household goods.

 

[pinevalley]

TL:
I agree with Sig that this might be better to have a conversation with your difficult child instead of in a text. Do you talk to difficult child on the phone, or can you reach him only by texting? Since your difficult child is upset about not getting as much grocery money, can you wait to talk to him about his future until he is not so upset?

Good luck in discussing this with your difficult child. It is never easy with these kids, isn't it?

 

[toughlovin]

My difficult child and i often communicate better over text than by phone...less loaded somehow. I want to make a simple statement and let him know that the well will run dry if he gets kicked out again....but i want to make it more positive....soething like we will continue to help you while you are taking positiv steps...

TL

 

[Andy]

How about by asking how plans are going for when he leaves the facility? "Are you working on where/how you will be living upon leaving? What type of job are you looking for? How much will you need to make to cover rent and food costs? You will need a job to cover these expenses."

 

[toughlovin]

Good ideas but he is no where close to that point. First he has got to finish up at the restrictive sober house ane then he goes to the less restrictive sober house....and hopefully there he will get a job. The real issue is can he not relapse while at the less restrictive place? If he cant he is facing life on the street again.

 

[DammitJanet]

Okay, I am going to try writing a nice text...lets see how I go...lol.

hi kiddo, hows it going? Dad and I have been thinking about food card situation and we know that it may come to a point that we wont be able to fund you in the not so distant future. In preparation for that, I have found a book for you and am going to send it to you and you can read it in advance. It will help you to keep going without going under. I know this isnt how you want things and it sure isnt how we wanted things for you, but I have lots of faith that you will pick yourself up and get moving in the right direction really soon. You can do it son. We sure love you a lot. Hugs and Kisses. Mom.

Amazon.com: dumpster diving: Books

That is the link to books about dumpster diving. Seems like some good books there.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Janet, what a great "text".

 

[rejectedmom]

LOL Janet.

TL, Honestly I do not think it matters how you tell him that you are cutting him off and he needs to be a big boy now. They get mad no matter how you say it. But if you need to be nice just say something like:

"Son Dad and I just saw our financial advisor. We need to start planning for our retirement. We have lost much of our funding due to the poor economy, low intrest rates and SS cut backs. We need to start saving like crazy now so we do not have to depend on you andyour sister for our needs in our old age. That would be too much of a hardship on you and a real blow to our independance. Therefore we will not be able to send you money anymore. I have every confidene that you are able to find a way to manage without our small contribution. And I am sure that without the stress of planning for our future you wil be able to achive financial independance on your own."

 

[DammitJanet]

Good one RM.

Or...

Dear Son...I have just learned from our tax accountant that we are in deep do do. We may soon be relying on you as the oldest child. You do know that the law states that the oldest child must take care of their parents if they become dependent right? Im so sorry to lay this on you in your current state but you really need to get a move on and find a good job fast. Dad and I really need your help!

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks for all your ideas. I love the one about getting him a book on dumpster diving!!! However I talked to a friend of mine who told me she got some parenting advice once that told her to stay away from threats but just let consequences happen. At first I was like but I want him to know what will happen if he screws up again.... but when I thought about it I realized that no matter how I say it, it will come across as my having no faith in him... which in fact is somewhat true... but there is no way I can do this positively really. Then I went to our alanon meeting last night and we talked about coming from a place of fear and dread and instead coming from a place of hope. What I realized is I absolutely am coming from a place of fear and dread... and while I am in that place it is probably better just to keep my mouth shut. The reality is the fear of being homeless should be enough consequence to be aware of, and if it is not then knowing he will also lose grocery money won't really make any difference anyway.

So I think when I do text him that I added money to his card that I will just say I am thinking about him, trying to give him his space but would love to hear from him and leave it at that.

Thanks for all your ideas.... I am back home by the way. Had a good but tiring visit with my dad and also a good friend. I may have to go again in the next couple of weeks which just makes me oh so tired.

 

[pasajes4]

I do not think that it will matter how you say it. He is not going to be receptive to this new wrinkle in his life. Perhaps this conversation would detract him from focusing on his recovery.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I was totally joking... I hope you know that.

 

[toughlovin]

Yes and i got a kick out of it

 

[DammitJanet]

good, I was trying to give you a laugh over something that I knew was a very tough situation for you to deal with. However, did you know that it is really true (at least in a lot of states) that if a parent or parents end up sick or disabled, the eldest adult child has to take care of the parent/s if they dont have medicaid or medicare or other insurance to take care of themselves. Isnt that sort of scary...lol. That is how I ended up being responsible for my mother. She actually had medicare but she wasnt eligible for any other services that would take care of her until she went into a nursing home and at the time she wasnt bad enough to go into one. Because I was the only child, if I hadnt taken her on, I could have been found legally guilty of parental neglect!