I'm a mess.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oldest's boyfriend just called me. He said Oldest called him saying goodbye, she was leaving and she hoped he'd take care of her cat. He said he was on his way home (they live together) and wanted me to meet him there. He thought she was going to kill herself.

    I told him to go on home and call me and let me know what was going on. I said, I hate to say this, but Oldest can be very manipulative. I want to see what's up before I decide anything. I then called her.

    She's a blubbering mess. She's definitely severely depressed. She's been cycling for weeks now, and this is not a big surprise. I talked to her for awhile, talked to her about admitting herself, talked to her about getting with social services and getting whatever help she can get long term (the specific issues are too much to go into now). She doesn't want to admit herself (which is unusual, actually).

    She put her boyfriend on the phone, who was there by now. I told him to talk to her some more, and if he thought she was still despondent, to call 911. He said he had to go back to work. I said, tell 911 your girlfriend is severely depressed and you're afraid she'll hurt herself if you leave. To myself I thought, let the professionals deal with it.

    I know he expected me to come over. I'm sure he thinks I am a piece of ****.

    But I can't. I am frozen. I am having some type of PTSD flash, I swear. I can't go through this with her again. I can't sit in that ER with her and listen to her woe is me stories about her life, no matter how truly despondent she is right now. The thought of even driving to her apartment and meeting the ambulance is putting me into a panic. I can't do it. I can't sit there with her for hours while they try to admit her. I can't be there for her, as much as I kow she may need me. But I've been there.. it never changes.. I give up a night of my life and two weeks later she's back into her cycle. I can't do it again. Even though it's been several years. It's like I'm having a delayed reaction.

    The guilt is killing me. But the fear of dealing with it, the sheer panic I feel, is stronger. I have plans to go out l ater.. I selfishly want to do that and turn off my phone.. how can I do that when my daughter is in crisis?

    I feel like a horrible mother. But this is the only place I thought of that someone, maybe, might understand, even if just a little bit. It's not that I don't love my daughter. It's that .. I'm worn out. I don't trust her. I can't be part of this.

    Ahhhhh I'm going crazy.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    CrazyinVA, you're NOT a bad mother!

    Every time your daughter has been in this state in the past, you've been there for her. Now, your reserves are empty and the well is dry.

    difficult child's boyfriend is there, he knows to call 911, and the professionals WILL know what to do if they have to be called in.

    It's completely understandable that you want to go out and turn off your phone. This is about survival. YOUR survival. Right now, your body and heart and soul are telling you that it's most important for you not to get drawn into difficult child's drama. Clearly it's a VERY strong need if it's overriding the maternal instinct, so you need to listen to it.

    Take care of you, do what you need to do, but be soft and gentle with yourself.

  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you,trinity. Your words help a LOT right now.

    Her boyfriend called me back. He took her back to work with him.

    He's a bartender. So she's sitting in a bar, talking to friends now. I'm sure self-medicating with alcohol isn't far behind.

    I hung up and laughed. Talk about feeling even crazier. A crazy laughing loon, I am. Talk about a rollercoaster. Talk about manipulation

    I swear, my life, who else would believe this but you guys? Truly.

    I will definitely go out in a bit and keep my plans. I can't sit here and dwell on it. And I dare say, there will be alcohol involved in my own going out. The usual stop-at-2-drinks-because-I-have-to-drive-home kind. Wish I could be as irresponsible as her (not really).

  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Go out. Have fun. Because with a difficult child, another crisis is right around the corner.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Crazy, it's been a few years for me since those terrible old days but I still get PTSD reactions just from a tone of voice or cold glance. I understand being frozen. I understand the panic and refusal to go through it again.

    I hope her cycles kick back in place.

    Hugs to you both,
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I understand too. Let boyfriend handle it. If she needs or wants to help she will manage to get it.

    I know that when Cory tried his lovely overdose last summer a friend of mine thought I was simply heartless because I didnt ride with him to the hospital or rush in and stay there with him. I was too tired of the drama. I went up there for about 20 minutes to speak with the doctors and left.
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Believe it or not I too understand the PTSD feeling. Just the feeling of going through it again sends me into almost a panic. I know the feeling.
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    It's hard to watch tradegy happen, no matter who it is. Sounds like some self medicating to me.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry she is dragging you through this again. You have worked so HARD to teach her how to handle her illness.

    Her refusal to handle her illness as an adult should result in her not being rewarded with Mom's time and emotions and stress adn $$. In her more stable times you showed her what she needed to do. If she isn't willing, you have to put yourself first at times.

    If you re having strong PTSD reactions, this is your BODY and PSYCHE telling you that you are on overload. In the REd Zone yourself.

    You have raised her to adulthood. It is time to pay attention when your body tells you it can't handle any more.

    Enjoy your night out, your 2 drinks, your time with friends.

    It is what your body, mind and psyche need. Pamper yourself tomorrow. Exercise. Take your OWN medications, if you take them.

    If she is truly despondent her boyfriend will call 911, or she will. Then they will likely contact you. You can deal with that, then. By going to the hospital, by sending flowers and a card, or by simply saying that you hope she makes wiser choices in the future and you love her. All of these are open to you.

    Detachment is hard, isn't it? I am so sorry.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    There is a limit to what we can do. You've reached yours. As you said, she has a boyfriend and he's handling it for now. We do reach a point where we're entitled to live our lives. Your daughter has chosen to not go to therapy, to not take her medications as needed, to continue cycling. Until she is ready to take responsibility for her illness, there's nothing you can do. She needs to take responsibility for her choices.

    In the meantime, I hope you're having a good time with your friends and not fretting or feeling too guilty. (If it was as bad as is being made out, it seems boyfriend would have taken her to work and called 911 from there. Sounds like maybe some drinks and friends are as good as a hospital for now.)
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bless you all. I can't tell you how much your posts and your support mean to me right now. I went out with friends, am home now,and haven't heard another word from Oldest or her boyfriend, so I assume all is.... status quo.

    This is an amazing place.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    VA, I agree, it is an awesome place. Esp for Awesome women like you!
  13. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hope today is a better day and I think you handled things very well last night. I am so glad you went out, went on with your own life, took care of you! I understand so well, am happy you came here to get support. Let us know how you are doing today.
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know ... it occurs to me that part of the reason I had this reaction (and others, but not as strong as that one) to Oldest's latest "crisis" is that, things change so quickly.

    I was slightly concerned yesterday because the message Oldest had up on Facebook smacked of depression (something about "questioning everything in life"). Then again, she likes attention. But, yesterday was a whirlwind when it came to her moods.

    Youngest saw her out Friday night, said she was drinking heavily and got very dramatic at the bar... at one point threw her keys at boyfriend and said she was done with him, he worked too much. Then later went back and got her keys and said she wanted to go home, she was tired. I was taking Youngest to lunch yesterday when she got a call from Oldest, first calm then screaming at her for various things. Youngst didn't say goodbye when she left Friday, Youngest was stupid for hanging out an older man she met in a bar (never mind Oldest moved in with a man she met in a bar, after knowing him 2 weeks), Youngest was going to end up dead or raped and Oldest didn't want to "get that call from her, ever." Very dramatic stuff. She called me later saying she was "done with this family" (how many times have I heard that?!), went on and on about how I never do anything for her, I do everything for YOungest, yada yada yada. I told her fine, if you're done with us thanks for letting me know so I can find someone else to take your ticket to Bruce Springsteen Monday. That got her. I told her not call me making stupid threats. She said she was NOT suicidal Friday night, and that everyone overreacted and she was mad they were all talking about her.

    She was calm by last night, even met me and my friends for a bit out near where she lives. She dominated the conversation, and it was uncomfortable. Wore me out. Then, at 2 am, m,y phone rang, it was Youngest, saying she had been out at the same bar where boyfriend works again and Oldest had attacked her, screaming, dragged her into the bathroom, pushed her up against a wall, and screamed at her so much she was spitting in her face. All because Youngest showed up with friends that included the older guy she met there. Youngest left in tears, no one stopped Oldest. I don't think she'll be going back there again (not a bad thing).

    Apparently her boyfriend is now roped in, called Youngest yesterday to say how important family was to him, and how it hurt him to see our family doing this to each other. He has no idea what he's gotten himself into.

    Just typing it out is exhausting. She's out of control. I really DONT want to take her to the concert, except that most of things weren't done to me, they were done to Youngest (and I am not even supposed to know about them). I do trust Youngest on this.. despite her latest medication issues, she's the more stable one... has really turned her life around. I did tell Oldest yesterday, when she called me to apologize for her behavior, that if in the next 48 hours she acted like that to me again, I wouldn't take her because I would fear she'd cause drama in front of my friends at the concert. I told her I want NO PART of the drama. She tried to talk to me about how worried she was about Youngest, I told her she had enough problems of her own and to deal with THOSE. She shut up pretty quickly.

    Rollercoaster. Who knows what today will bring? I am off with friends again though, to a baseball game this afternoon. I won't be sucked in.
  15. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Oh, I am exhausted just reading all this! You are doing such a good job of not getting sucked in and setting boundaries. Glad you have a ball game to go to today, sounds like you really do "have a life" and that is wonderful.
    Take care,
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    What Jane said.

    CinVA, keep taking care of you.
    It will help you to replenish your strength, AND teach your difficult child that you can stay out of her drama.

    Have a great time at the ball game.

  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I have to wonder if it wasn't a flash of PTSD, but a flash of sanity. As often as she has been in this place in her life, you have been there with her. Maybe it is part of the cycle. Maybe not being there in the ER waiting room will help to break the cycle. It will force her to make decisions for herself. There will come a time when you won't be there for her. She has to know how to get through admitting herself, if that is what is needed, or deciding that she can pull it together long enough to get through this minute or this day or this week until she can see her therapist.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself. She's 24 years old and you have been doing this a long time. You can't do it forever.
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Witz made a very good point.

    Maybe it was just a moment of clarity on your part. She has to want the help and actively seek it in order for it to work. Anything less is wasted time and effort.

    Doesn't mean she isn't your world. Doesn't mean you don't care and worry. It simply means she's an adult and has to do this for herself. You can't do it for her even if you wanted to.

  19. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The boyfriend is snowed, completely snowed. He called Youngest again yesterday and described Oldest's panic attack.. said Saturday night (early Sunday morning) she was on his floor, fetal position, crying and screaming, worried about Youngest. This was after she apparently called Youngest's friend over and over and over early Sunday morning, after the incident in the bar. She used to do this to me, 20 times in a row because I refused to answer the phone when she was hysterical. He says she told him she'd been raped several times and that she was concerned this would happen to Youngest. He thinks she has PTSD. She probably does, but ... oh don't even get me started on the rape claims. I'm sorry to say that I just find them hard to believe. She is very promiscuous, has PID, and a chronic liar. How can anyone believe her?!

    She's going with me to the concert tonight, I am not really concerned about her behavior in front of my friends because she seems to focus that behavior on people she can manipulate. But it makes me incredibly sad. I think my boundaries with her will have to be tightened considerably until this latest craziness subsides.
  20. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Yes, certainly sounds like she has boyfriend snowed. Some of this sounds pretty familiar to me. I remember my difficult child practically hysterical over difficult child 2's well being--well, she appeared to be hysterical, didn't quite believe the sentiment. Also, she claimed to be raped twice and I have serious doubts it happened either time. She did enjoy the drama and attention, but there were major holes in her stories.

    Again, I think you are doing a wonderful job of handling all this. I am so sorry for all this stress and drama and sorry the boyfriend is sucked in--I'm sure she is playing him to the hilt.

    Take care,