Oldest's boyfriend just called me. He said Oldest called him saying goodbye, she was leaving and she hoped he'd take care of her cat. He said he was on his way home (they live together) and wanted me to meet him there. He thought she was going to kill herself. I told him to go on home and call me and let me know what was going on. I said, I hate to say this, but Oldest can be very manipulative. I want to see what's up before I decide anything. I then called her. She's a blubbering mess. She's definitely severely depressed. She's been cycling for weeks now, and this is not a big surprise. I talked to her for awhile, talked to her about admitting herself, talked to her about getting with social services and getting whatever help she can get long term (the specific issues are too much to go into now). She doesn't want to admit herself (which is unusual, actually). She put her boyfriend on the phone, who was there by now. I told him to talk to her some more, and if he thought she was still despondent, to call 911. He said he had to go back to work. I said, tell 911 your girlfriend is severely depressed and you're afraid she'll hurt herself if you leave. To myself I thought, let the professionals deal with it. I know he expected me to come over. I'm sure he thinks I am a piece of ****. But I can't. I am frozen. I am having some type of PTSD flash, I swear. I can't go through this with her again. I can't sit in that ER with her and listen to her woe is me stories about her life, no matter how truly despondent she is right now. The thought of even driving to her apartment and meeting the ambulance is putting me into a panic. I can't do it. I can't sit there with her for hours while they try to admit her. I can't be there for her, as much as I kow she may need me. But I've been there.. it never changes.. I give up a night of my life and two weeks later she's back into her cycle. I can't do it again. Even though it's been several years. It's like I'm having a delayed reaction. The guilt is killing me. But the fear of dealing with it, the sheer panic I feel, is stronger. I have plans to go out l ater.. I selfishly want to do that and turn off my phone.. how can I do that when my daughter is in crisis? I feel like a horrible mother. But this is the only place I thought of that someone, maybe, might understand, even if just a little bit. It's not that I don't love my daughter. It's that .. I'm worn out. I don't trust her. I can't be part of this. Ahhhhh I'm going crazy.