I'm at work about to cry

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Sep 12, 2014.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    This week just went to hell in a handbasket. difficult child missed the bus three days in a row and the principal had to pick her up each day. easy child/difficult child is getting three F's due to lying to me about completing his homework. To top it all off, my very own mother texted me this morning calling me an incompetent parent. I have had enough.

    What set her off is finding out I gave easy child back his Playstation last night. The reason why I broke down and let him play video games last night is because he made up a ton of work at home. I figured he earned it back after several days of him not having it. My mom now tells me my kids have no discipline and I'm too incompetent to care for them.

    The principal at difficult child's school agrees with my mom. My mom called her this morning after she found out difficult child missed the bus yet again. The principal told my mom it's obvious I have no structure in my home and it's sad. I feel like everybody's ganging up on me. Being a single parent is tough, but doing it with two difficult children is even harder. I am doing my best holding down a full time job and parenting my teenage kids. I think that in itself is a pretty good accomplishment. Too bad I'm not getting any credit.

    Work has been stressful as well. The beginning of the year always is. My boss is giving me a bunch of names of students who are already habitually truant two weeks into the school year and I have to call all their parents. I hate this part of my job. Once we get further into the school year it will be less stressful. That's when my bosses get too tired and too lazy to keep up with the truancies. I can't wait for that day to come. Right now I feel like I'm barely hanging by a thread but I'm still surviving yet not getting any recognition for it.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Most people fail to realize that no one can control the actions of others unless they are WILLING to comply with it. Consequences are challenging. I found that it worked to my advantage to be the holder of the electronics. They could earn time on the devices for compliance. It became a reward rather than a - consequence. Just a thought.
  3. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm sorry for your pain. :( I really could not imagine being in your situation. I hope things get better for you.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    CB, neither your mother nor people at your school understand mental illness. Sorry, but if they think that being more structured would have made your daughter perfect, they are talking silly. I don't care how many people tell you that, or if it's a stranger or your own mother, they don't get it. You may want to tell your mother that the topic of your child is off limits or you will have to discontinue the conversation. She is from another era, and mental illness is an evolving science. Theories from her day are old and theories from today will become old fast. Nobody truly understands human behavior yet. I have found schools to be be some of least helpful professionals around...they are educators, not psychiatrists, yet often teachers think they "know" all about children because they have been exposed to them. When they used to tell me what is wrong with my children or that they needed medications or may have the famous ADHD (the buzzword of my day when any child acted out), I asked them politely if they had a medical degree. When they stammered, "no," I told them I would not be able to help them then and that our family would deal with any issues with medical professionals.

    Teachers didn't like me very much, but they knew I was dead serious about helping my kids. I would bring in people over them, like from the Dept. of Public Education and advocates. One teacher told my daughter Jumper, "There are about ten teachers here who n ever want to talk to your mother again." Well, that was good and I got everything I wanted for my children and they were treated like royalty. Both got excellent supports and great educations.

    Trust your own gut and knowledge. Don't tell your mom abgout your daughter if she is going to make silly allegations about your parenting to you. I would not listen to educators either. They are trained to educate, not to diagnose problems with any of the children they teach. I have never gone to a psychiatrist who said, "Wait! Before I make a diagnosis, I have to talk to the teachers to find our THEIR diagnosis."

    I would lay a boundary on Mom calling school. A strong one. This is none of her business. She raised her kids and my guess is they were all easy to raise. It is not her place to interfere. Can you possibly find another job, away from your mom?

    Your daughter has inherited mental health issues. You did nothing to cause them. You are trying hard to help her. You are a great mother :)
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  5. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I'm with MWM; why is school communicating with your mother?
  6. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    So last week I wanted to cry now this week I want to scream. difficult child missed the whole day of school yesterday because she felt a little nauseous in the morning. Her teacher called her on her cell phone and tried to convince her to come to school to no avail. This morning difficult child did get up and make a half hearted attempt to get to school but she missed the bus due to misplacing her purse. After the principal made another house call to take difficult child to school, she called me at work. She wants to meet with me on Thursday to discuss difficult child.

    I have already met with her last year and she didn't do anything at all whatsoever to help with difficult child's attendance. It wasn't until difficult child met her best friend that she had motivation to start coming to school. The principal had nothing to do with it. This year her best friend goes to a different school and now difficult child has nothing to motivate her. And difficult child texted me this morning telling me the principal wants to get a social worker over to my apartment to help me organize the place since difficult child is always losing things. Thanks but no thanks. I have had nothing but bad experiences with CPS and I don't want them anywhere near my house. I am about to pull my hair out I'm so stressed. I am really looking forward to this weekend when my boyfriend will be taking me to a belated birthday dinner at my favorite seafood restaurant. Till then I just want to run and hide.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Until her (school) anxiety is addressed, this is going to be a continuous struggle.

    Given that the principal has left the school to drive over and try and get your difficult child to school, I would say she HAS made an effort to get difficult child to school....also given that her teacher has tried to get her to school by placing a phone call is a pretty good indication that the school is doing a lot to try and reach difficult child.

    Is your home unorganized? Is it just difficult child that is disorganized? I can tell you that there really is something to an organized home insofar as helping to set the stage for a more organized life. It lowers stress immensely.
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I never said the principal hasn't made an effort to get difficult child to school. I said our meetings have done absolutely no good. All she told me last time was to take away difficult child's most prized possesion (lap top) every time she misses school and I've already done that countless times and it still doesn't work. And no my house is not disorganized. difficult child is ADD and can't take medications for it cause they make her manic. She is always losing things. Yesterday the purse she lost was accidentally left in the back of my car and that's why she couldn't find it in the house.
  9. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I can't believe that the principal spoke to your mother about your difficult child and about your parenting. That's just totally unacceptable and crosses so many boundaries. The fact that she then made negative comments about you to your mother is outrageous. Who told you that this was said? Can you take this report of the conversation as fact? If that happened here (UK), there would be disciplinary proceedings against the principal. I'm stunned by this thread.
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  10. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Lucy do you want to know what she told my mom that really upset me? She told her that difficult child has no chance at life with me as a parent. That was lower than low. Now I have to face this woman tomorrow night after knowing all the crud she has said about me. This just sucks that difficult child can do as she pleases and nobody but me is holding her responsible.
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I would not be walking into that meeting alone!

    I would make sure that I had my mother, the principal, difficult child's father, and the therapist with me. Then I would make it nice and clear that if someone thinks they can do it better they should have a go at it. I would make it clear that my mother needed to stay out of this unless she was willing to provide a solution. I would make it clear the principal had no right to speak to my mother about difficult child regardless of what type of information was being discussed. Then I would let them all know that I would be filing a complaint if communications occured in the future. I would make it clear that having a father who refuses to help with difficult child compounds the situation.


    I would let them know flat out that you have done everything you can except for quit your job and go on welfare in order to support your child. You can not drop her off at school before it is allowed and you dont have anyone to sit at the house and force her out the door. The police wont force her to go, your mother cant get her to go, the principal is the only one who has any success and even you agree that going to your house to pick up difficult child is way outside her realm of responsibility. You can't fix her medical or mental health issues without support.

    Do I think you are a perfect parent? No. But I dont think anyone is a perfect parent. Ask me if I am and I will give you a resounding No. The point is if the powers that be (principal, ex husband, and mother) dont think you are a good enough parent then why aren't they getting you support? Why are they continuing to blame difficult child's issues on you and then not doing anything to help you overcome whatever they think is wrong? If they feel difficult child is being hurt by being with you then why haven't they filed a complaint? Why haven't they reported you as a bad parent and had CPS involved? Why aren't they doing their jobs?

    For once you need to cover your buttocks and make sure you have someone in that room who is on your side. I don't care who it is, someone needs to be there to support you and to make sure the meeting is legal and useful. Don't bring you boyfriend you need a lawyer or a special education expert or a therapist, or someone who is an inpartial third party.
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  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    LucyJ, it doesn't work like that here. I wish it did. The workplace is not very well monitored.

    However, I am still having tons of trouble understanding how this mother can get info on her grandchild or why anyone would even talk to her? CG, can you quit this job, where they know your mother, and find another one? That is outrageous.
  13. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Midwest Mom my job and difficult child's school have nothing to do with each other. They are totally separate. I agree the principal shouldn't be allowed to talk to my mom about my personal issues. I did sign something awhile back giving my mom permission to get info from her teachers regarding her schoolwork but that's it. Now I'm regretting even doing that.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    CG, that's an easy fix.

    Just tear it up. They have to listen to you.
  15. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    CB, can you not involve the school superintendent in this situation? The principal has no right to discuss your private matters with your mother. I believe I recall you telling her to stop sharing with your mother in the past. Like LucyJ, I don't think you should walk into that meeting alone. I would not take your mother, nor her biodad. You really need someone from the school district to support YOUR rights. Doesn't your difficult child have an IEP? And isn't any of this addressed in the IEP? What do YOU want to see happen? It has seemed to be a no win situation for everyone for way too long a time!