Hi guys. I have missed you ALL so much!!! It was a whirlwind of a trip. Just non-stop business from sun up to sun down. It was grueling. The free areas of mental space where I was not talking like a bobble head to co-workers, I kept being kicked in the gut with thoughts of H. It was brutal. Everywhere I looked she was there. That was her city. Her genre. Her essence. I made it, though. And for that I am proud. Sounds trivial, but it was a large amount of mental energy to make it through this trip. On my day off in Seattle, I opted to stay curled up in my hotel and not engage in the beautiful out of doors. It was a really hard decision, but I felt I had to protect myself from the barrage of thoughts about H. Every pine cone, stream, and rock brought back a flood of memories, and my only protection was to hibernate. I know long term this will not be optimal. I keep thinking this pain will get better - but actually - it is getting worse. Deeper and deeper it seems to be carving itself into my being. I feel scared now - and as if I need more help. I feel resolved now to do that. Grief is like a river. You just do not know how rough the ride will be, or where it will take you. PS. difficult child did a bang up job on taking care of our pets, my plants, and the house. All is good, and I feel proud of him for honoring the needs of our household.