I'm back.............

[Steely]

Hi guys. I have missed you ALL so much!!!

It was a whirlwind of a trip. Just non-stop business from sun up to sun down. It was grueling. The free areas of mental space where I was not talking like a bobble head to co-workers, I kept being kicked in the gut with thoughts of H. It was brutal. Everywhere I looked she was there. That was her city. Her genre. Her essence.

I made it, though. And for that I am proud. Sounds trivial, but it was a large amount of mental energy to make it through this trip.

On my day off in Seattle, I opted to stay curled up in my hotel and not engage in the beautiful out of doors. It was a really hard decision, but I felt I had to protect myself from the barrage of thoughts about H. Every pine cone, stream, and rock brought back a flood of memories, and my only protection was to hibernate.

I know long term this will not be optimal. I keep thinking this pain will get better - but actually - it is getting worse. Deeper and deeper it seems to be carving itself into my being. I feel scared now - and as if I need more help. I feel resolved now to do that.

Grief is like a river. You just do not know how rough the ride will be, or where it will take you.

PS.
difficult child did a bang up job on taking care of our pets, my plants, and the house. All is good, and I feel proud of him for honoring the needs of our household.

 

[4sumrzn]

Welcome back! I am so happy to hear that difficult child did you proud & things on the home front are just fine

You...on the other hand....I'm so sorry. So very proud of you that you made it. But, concerned. I know time does help, but we never know how much time it will take. I am for sure no expert at all....never claim to be...so please just take this or leave it. I understand.

I have never experienced your exact situation. But, the experiences I have had still creep back on occasion. I hurts, it's hard & I feel strong at times..... very weak at others. I have tried to pound in my head over the years......I have to move on & not consume myself...I can't change the past...can't rewind. The only thing I can do is live today & pray I have tomorrow. Now, those "positive days" are the days where I have a "reality check" & then, I slowly fade back to being in that mode again. BUT, time has made those down & out "modes" not as frequent & time has been on my side for that. I'm not going to say it will go away, it won't. I just thank time & being thankful for what I do have to make things a bit easier.

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. Many gentle {{hugs}}.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Sweetie, you were missed.

You sound terrific! I don't mean to trivialize your pain at all, I mean you seem to be on top of your emotions and are able to recognize that you may need more help.

I am so sorry that the trip was painful to your heart. Believe me, it DOES get better.

Give difficult child a high 5 from his board aunties. Welcome back.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

I think......between the lines here - you actually sound more focused than before. Hibernating is a great thing to do once in a while and sometimes necessary to pull our souls together.

VERY HUGE ATTA BOY for the kid - kept the house in tact and did it all just so. VERY good job. Proud of you.

Hugs
Star

 

[witzend]

Way To Go, difficult child! Good for him for stepping up to the plate when needed! That must make you both feel really good! I'm glad you're back, safe and sound. It must be nice to be home.

 

[amazeofgrace]

STEELY!!!!

Drinks all around, welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[klmno]

Welcome back, Steely! I hope it turns out that this trip help you in the grief process, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. I lived there for a while- on two different occassions and I can relate to it being "her city". It is a place that is much more than just buildings and streets- I hope someday you will find comfort from visiting it.

And, KUDOS to difficult child- it sounds like he is really doing well and being responsible and trying to help you as much as he can. Great Job!!

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome back! You were missed! I'm so glad difficult child took good care of things while you were gone.

I'm sorry the trip was so painful-((((Hugs))))

 

[Steely]

Thank you guys.
I realized the most important thing to me right now is consistency and familiarity. I need my pets, my house, my kid, you guys.........to make things seem normal. When I am out of my realm of comfort, the world seems too large. Hopefully, I will be able to change that, soon - but until then - thanks.

I am so glad to be home, and to be able to chat with you guys. You, and what our kids have been through, and consequently what we as parents go through, are in my core. That is part of who I am. I can never run from all I have been through with difficult child, nor can I deny it is part of who I am. Thanks for helping me feel that this is a group I can lean on, and not a stigma to be ashamed of.

Hugs,
Steely

 

[mstang67chic]

Great job outta difficult child!!! Glad to hear you made it through your trip. I agree with the others....it hurt but you sound good too. Sending hugs!

 

[everywoman]

Glad the trip went better than expected. Hopefully the whirlwind kept you busy enough to keep your mind from wondering too much. I know it must have been really difficult to be there. And Way To Go difficult child for keeping down the homefront!!! That's worthy of a celebration.

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome Home.

It may feel as if the grief is worse, but it does sound as if you're dealing with it better.

Huge kuddos to difficult child for holding down the fort for Mom!!! Awesome Job!!

((hugs))

 

[totoro]

I am so proud of difficult child!!! Live each day to the fullest. As full as you can right now. There are no expectations of you, you put those on yourself. Find the beauty in each day, look at what difficult child just did!!! Look at what you just accomplished!!! You made it to Seattle, you could not of done that a few months ago. You have come a long way since H died. I know it may not feel like it, but you are healing... you do sound better.