I'm falling

[Shari]

Apart again.

Friday, I struggled to get up and to work. And in fact, didn't go. difficult child 2's teacher called before I got out of the house (she calls every Friday), and it was the same ol', same ol', but I found myself curled in a ball when the call was over.

I stayed home, spent the day with easy child 1, we took the dog to the vet (he was very sick). difficult child 2 went to the sitter for most of the day.

I picked him up afterwards, took him home. VERY wild and agressive, tho playing by himself, mostly, so agression wasn't aimed at anything but his imagination. Was playing with a boppy bag, I left the room long enuf to put my glass in the dishwasher, and came back to him stabbing it, violently, in the back, with a tinker toy, while screaming vulgarities at it for being a bad person. Even tho I saw it, I asked him what happened. He lied 3 times before telling me he stabbed it.

He couldn't sleep that night, tho he wanted to and tried. I stayed up with him til 1am or so, then drifted off. husband got up at 2 and he was asleep. difficult child 2 woke me at 5:15, with a hideously detailed story about how the cat got sick all over the living room, "bleeded" everywhere, he didn't know why (same line as boppy bag), but he cleaned it up and tossed the cat over the fence so I didn't have to worry about it. Tho trying not to, I panicked, afraid he had mutilated the cat in the night. He did not. But I was up.

husband and I had a couple differences this weekend. nothing bad, just didn't see eye to eye, and I turned out to be right (2wd with a horse trailer and ice just ain't gonna cut it). So I was stuck with difficult child 2 in the truck for an hour until he got to us to get us out (had to get a foundered pony shod - another story, it was difficult child 2's pony, but he has an old horse now. I want to get rid of the pony, husband wants to keep it, but I'm the one that ends up taking care of it). Got home and difficult child 2 wanted to go to grandma's, and grandma wanted him, so I gladly took him and spent 5 hours to myself and loved it.

While stuck yesterday, difficult child 2 talked about wanting to ride, so I planned to take him to the indoor arena today before his "wild" time to ride today.

Got up this morning, husband was watching Cop and a Half. difficult child 2 was wild from the git-go. He was jumping everywhere, and reacting even more to the movie, watching for bad guys, etc. Yet husband didn't catch on, just tried all the conventional, and worthless, ways of making a kid stop jumping on all your furniture.

I finally said enuf and called the arena and reserved a time. Again, I was stuck in the 2wd. Which takes that much longer to get things loaded. I got the trailer hooked up, came inside to get my heavier coat, and husband was making difficult child 2 pick up toys on his own, with violent verbal protest.

I don't necessarily agree, but we're going along with him right now. But Mr IHBT, right now, wants us to avoid as many confrontations as possible. Picking up toys is always one, unless you get on the floor with difficult child 2 and help. And he'll pick right up if you're on the floor with him. But husband doesn't like to do that, so there he was, telling him "do it yourself" - confrontation... So I stayed in, took off all my outerwear (high of 17 today - so that's a lot), picked up toys that husband had mandated, then dressed difficult child 2 (who'd wet himself), put shoes and socks on (again, husband was stuck on "you can do it" - maybe he can, but won't without confrontation....), sweatshirt, coats, gloves - then he went out with me, which makes catching horses without ice 10 times more difficult, now I had to keep track of 8 horses, 2 cows, and one slipping difficult child, who couldn't listen or pay attention to his surroundings worth a hoot today. TWO HOURS later, we were ready to leave.

Got to the arena, saddled up, difficult child 2 in the saddle, he freaked. Set up our beanie babies and buckets game, and ready to go, he forgot how to "drive" and he freaked. I tried to tell him, show him, he wouldn't listen, just sat there and sobbed. Then my horse kept trying to lay down while I was trying to deal with difficult child. I finally tied my horse loose, took his tack off, so if he did lay down, no big deal, and focused on difficult child again. He never did come out of it. about an hour later, I got on my horse and he and his horse followed me around a while. I rode maybe 15 minutes, then came home. difficult child 2 wet himself again, so I'm still not done putting things away. So far I've 5:40hours on this and counting, $20 to ride in the arena, and nothing to show for it. As soon as I left with difficult child 2, husband left, so I could have stayed here and been annoyed by difficult child 2 while doing laundry and dishes (which had been the plan for the day up until 4, when I had planned to take him riding), and accomplished the same amount. Nothing with difficult child.

I stopped at the gas station to buy garbage bags on the way home. We are completely out. difficult child 2 wanted something, started hitting, screaming vulgarities at me, and spitting on me. There was no waiting, I bought the bags, put him in the truck, spit on him, and came hom. Now that's mature. I'd had enuf and that didn't even begin to cover how I felt, but I guess I'm not gone enuf to do any worse.

I bawled all the way home. Now I'm just shaking, non-stop. I'm not cold, I'm just shaking. I so feel like I'm falling apart, and I don't know what to do. Grandma can't take difficult child 2, husband obviously is having an issue with something, not sure what, and I'm a flipping mess. I need help. I always thought I was a strong person, and now I'm nothing more than a burbling mass of goo, brought here by a 3ft3inch 50 pound monster.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh shari. Your post just brings tears to my eyes. You need a break. Seriously. I wish I lived closer or had more money so I could come rescue you. I would be there in a flash just to help.

Meantime talk to your doctor about a trial of some sort of medication to get you thru this. You are frazzled to within an inch of your life.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'm so sorry about the your last few days. Sometimes our difficult children, can push us to the brink. husband wasn't helping the situation.

((((gentle hugs))))

 

[hearthope]

Shari, dear I feel so bad for you. You need some outside help. Are you guys in therapy? Do you have a therapist you could talk to?
You and husband not being on the same page is only going to grow, unless you begin the process of getting to the same page. That in itself would help you so much.

You must do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

You can't possibly keep up this pace if you are not caring for yourself.

I don't know how you are with the horses, but for me there is nothing better than riding by myself.
That is my outlet for stress. I can work through so much on the back of my horse.

Wish you the best and I hope you can take care of Shari

 

[Wiped Out]

Shari,
It sure doesn't sound like a good weekend. I'm sorry things are so rough. I know it's hard but you have to find some time for yourself. I also agree with Janet that you need to talk to your doctor. I would also call difficult child 2's psychiatrist in the morning to let him know what kind of a weekend you had. Maybe a medication tweak is in order. Sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[timer lady]

Shari,

It's time to start taking care of you. And I know it's hard to take a much needed break when you have a couple of difficult children on your hands plus a husband who isn't necessarily on the same page.

Keep in mind, this is a journey - not everything needs to be addressed today. Pick the most troublesome, disturbing incident & work on that. Talk with husband, if he's willing, on some coping strategies when difficult child is so out of control. Is there a crisis plan? Do you & husband tag off in the midst of chaos? Can difficult child be redirected in his play?

In the meantime, dear lady, please call your doctor & research some help for yourself. The GFGness isn't going anywhere soon - you need to be healthy to deal with it. :smile: :warrior:

 

[tiredmommy]

Shari,
Can you schedule some time away? Maybe an overnight with a girlfriend. You so sound like you need to decompress. I know that feeling so well, liked your coiled up tight and you are going to snap. Try to set some priorities. Here are my suggestions:
1. Take care of Shari, make an appointment with the doctor. Try to get in tomorrow. Schedule some alone or fun time. Write it on the calendar.
2. Set aside some time for your marriage. It's easy to lose sight of each other in the face of gfgdom. Get counselling if you think it's needed. Either way, schedule time for each other.
3. Keep plugging away with the kids.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

[Fran]

Shari,
It's obvious you are in overload. Lack of sleep, annoyance with husband,out of control difficult child, bad weather, truck being stuck are all adding to a bad weekend. Having a difficult child who is out of control and acting very gfgish is throwing gasoline on the situation.
You need to get a good nights sleep, have a serious talk with your husband that you will be out of commission if he doesn't provide you with a break.
You are on the brink of just curling up into an emotional mess. Taking care of yourself isn't just a pleasant phrase. You absolutely have to find a way to decompress and make a way to survive this.
Many gentle hugs.

 

[amy4129]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Marguerite]

Lack of sleep can take away a vast amount of our coping skills. When we're already stressed for other reasons, it's just that much more to deal with. I remember trying to work full-time when difficult child 1 was a baby, who would wake for a feed every three hours, even at a year old. My brain and body adapted to not going back to sleep after the first feed, so I was getting two hours' sleep a night then driving the kids and myself an hour each way to work. I'd go over to the child care centre at morning tea and at lunch to breastfeed difficult child 1 (and spend time with him at lunchtime) then after the drive home, put him to bed and get my own dinner. Another feed at my bedtime then I'd get my two hours and be awake for the rest of the night. After two weeks of this I went to the doctor for sleeping pills.

I know now that a lot of this was difficult child 1's Asperger's. He was very clingy, very immature in many ways. Very dependent. I'm glad I stayed at work - I think I'd have gone mad if I'd been a stay-at-home mum with difficult child 1. But I definitely needed the doctor to help me out. I was barely functioning at home or at work.

Once I got some sleep, I was able to cope with everything else much better.

Marg

 

[Shari]

Thanks, all. I've placed a call to my doctor. I had called and started zoloft a couple months ago, but its either not working or its not working enough. Its not a general depression as much as being completely overwhelmed by incident after incident.

I have decide part of the "pnuemonia" I've been fighting isn't just pneumonia. I've never had this before, but I'm guessing its some kind of anxiety related thing, my chest gets tight and all that jazz every time difficult child 2 pulls a stunt, and I finally noticed the pattern. Right now, all he has to do is scream (which is like, every 3 minutes for him) and it happens, systems just on overload, I guess.

Heck, the way I feel right now makes me wonder if I'm not the one with bi-polar. If it weren't for perfect strangers making comments about the level of difficult child 2's hyperactivity and agression, I'd be checking myself in.

 

[SRL]

Shari, one more thing to consider; Perhaps the reason things are getting worse for you is because of the Zoloft. difficult child took Zoloft for a short time and it caused him all kinds of problems within a two week period. It's one of those medications that often causes *really* poor responses when it's not the right medication. The previous SSRI he was on was Celexa and those side effects gradually built up over a 9 month period to the point where he couldn't cope.

Regardless, do take care of yourself. Lots of us have been there are they are really dark days.

 

[hearthope]

I have decide part of the "pnuemonia" I've been fighting isn't just pneumonia. I've never had this before, but I'm guessing its some kind of anxiety related thing, my chest gets tight and all that jazz every time difficult child 2 pulls a stunt, and I finally noticed the pattern. Right now, all he has to do is scream (which is like, every 3 minutes for him) and it happens, systems just on overload, I guess.

Shari~ I went through numerous medical test because of the tightness in my chest and my shortness of breath. After all the test it was confirmed ~~STRESS~~
I have had numerous medical problems within the past 2 yrs. I had to start anti-depressants as well.
I had to learn to give my self a break, now I can reconize the symptoms as they start to appear and I know that means I have to get myself out of the middle of the chaos.

You deserve a break and to continue on your journey you must give yourself one.
I agree with all the others, it made a huge difference when I was on something to help me sleep. Please talk with therapist and get the help you need.

 

[totoro]

Shari-I am on zoloft after having to admit similar feeling... the falling apart etc. I was crying at the drop of a hat, or the shreik of a difficult child... I just had to up my dose because I was starting to feel the old feelings again...Espacially with easy child getting worse... I was still on the original low dose after 2 months and just increased it by 25mg. I don't feel perfect... but it helps, as well as talking to a therapist. But maybe the zoloft isn't right for you either???

I too wonder about the BiPolar (BP)..As I read the books for my child I sit and think I was like that, I did that, I do that!!! While I don't have huge swings up and down... I do have much milder ones...hmm

I hope you are feeling better, it is nice to know we can at least dump some of our "junk" here and not feel so alone...

 

[FlowerGarden]

Hugs to you.

 

[Stella Johnson]

I know we have all been there with our difficult children. You really need some time to yourself. you have to talk to husband so you can get away for even just a day to yourself.

Have you considered an antideppressant for yourself? It has really helped me over the years.

steph

 

[Shari]

Thank you all.

I’ve taken the Zoloft a couple different times.

Way back when easy child 1 was born, I took an anti-depressant then. Long before there was much choice. It made me numb, and I hated it, still question if I needed it, even, and wasn’t on it long.

Twice when I found out DEX was cheating on me, I used Zoloft with great results. Both times I was able to come off of it when the “heat” was off. I was even able to come off it fairly quickly. That’s why I went back to Zoloft this time.

And I can’t say that its done a thing. When the onslaughts aren’t continuous, I can handle it, regain my composure between them, etc, that hasn’t come about because of the medications. But like this weekend, when it was literally one thing after another (and a few things I didn’t post), when there was 48 hours with literally no break in between incidents to regroup, I’m not so sure its not normal to fall apart in that situation, medications, mood disorders, or not. But I can’t. Maybe I need something more like a Xanax or something that can be taken as needed, I don’t know.

I don’t know that I really feel like I’m bi-polar. Too many people have turned away from difficult child 2 and validated my feelings regarding him. But the constant roller coaster is taking its toll, and I often question and doubt myself, like we all do. Sometimes my moods probably do go from good to bad in a short time, but its generally related to an action of a difficult child. And sometimes that action is relatively small, but when you deal with fisrt grade behavior for 12 years, it gets old. And it doesn’t take 12 years. And when there’s not more phone calls from teachers, bad reports from therapists, and disagreeing spouses that immediately follow the difficult child action, I’m generally back in a good mood in a short time. I was the one that pulled that party together when easy child 1 and difficult child 1 got arrested at our wedding reception – which certainly could have been a trigger to fall apart for a lot of folks, I think.

Had lunch with husband and he’s not on board with Mr IHBT and the no-confrontation methods, thus feels I am doing too much for difficult child 2 (like picking up the toys). So we need to talk. Asking my sitter to keep difficult child 2 late tonight so we can do that.

Will keep you posted. Knowing I’m not alone in this has made night and day difference in my life.

 

[TerryJ2]

"Sometimes my moods probably do go from good to bad in a short time, but its generally related to an action of a difficult child. And sometimes that action is relatively small, but when you deal with fisrt grade behavior for 12 years, it gets old."


Absolutely!

been there done that!!!!