I'm falling

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Aug 22, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't even know if I can come up with the words.

    I'm so used to burying this stuff so deep down that I don't know how to express it. I try not to even acknowledge it. But, today it's acknowledging me. It's not giving me a choice. It's making it's presence known in an undeniable way. And I'm afraid it's going to win again. I'm terrified of being back in that place.

    It's so heavy. It's oppressive and it's everywhere. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to be seen. I want it to go away. But, it won't.

    It just never ends.

    I scheduled an appointment with a therapist on 9/3, but I honestly don't know what I'll say to him. I look outside and see all of this beauty, but inside all I see is darkness and despair. I find no joy. There is no peace.

    I can't do this on my own again. I can't. I have to. I don't know how. Not this time. This is different. This is insidious.

    I don't think it ever went away completely. I think it laid there lurking until I was weak and it saw it's opportunity.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh heather. Im so sorry. You sound like you are in such a bad place. Hang on. If 9/3 is too far away then call the therapist and tell them you cannot hold on that long. Can you call your doctor for some medications to hold you through until then? You obviously need more than what you are taking. They arent holding you anymore.

    Between the pain and the weight of the world that you have on you, its no wonder you are sinking again. If you need to call...Im here.
  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Oh honey, you are not alone. You are very loved and cared for here. I also know from what you've said you have support with your mom their and even difficult child was trying to do some things.

    many hugs
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather...hold on. You're not alone. Call the doctor for help to get through till the 3rd. We love you. Sending many hugs, and if I can do anything else...please PM me.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you.

    I just feel so lost...so empty...like I have nothing left.

    I don't know what medications to do. My GP mentioned adding Pristiq (sp?) to the lexapro, but that will take awhile to kick in. The klonopin helps me to sleep, but I don't take it during the day because it makes me feel more depressed. I don't want to do the risperdal because 1) it caused significant cognitive dulling (even at .5mg) and I don't need any help with that, 2) weight gain and lord knows I don't need any help with that and 3) taking it every day caused horrible, horrible nightmares. I originally wanted to do it PRN, but I think I'm past that.

    I don't know if she'll rx lamictal and I don't know how long it will take to get into a psychiatrist. I was surprised to find a therapist that is not with county mental health that took my insurance. I know nothing about him. I've never seen a guy therapist for me before.

    I don't know what medications can help quickly. I need to do something cause I'm sinking. All the tools, the self-talk, the whatever isn't working. It's not enough.

    I did talk to my mom. She's in Chicago right now. She's going to come up on Wednesday.

    I feel like there is this whole world out there full of beauty and promise and hope and then there is me and I can see the beauty. I just can't touch it.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I know I can't fix things or take any of the pain away. I am here, you can PM me. I am thinking of you. I know the lows, I hate the lows.
    Push for an earlier apt.
    this too shall pass...
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You know you can call me. I'll be watching the phone just in case.

    ((hugs)) NOT a good place to be. Make sure if you don't think you can hold on you call the therapist or psychiatrist and see if there has been a cancellation. Let them know how bad it is. And if all else fails, go to the ER.

    It's horrid feeling that way. Know that we care, and we're here for you.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Oh. sweetie, I so wish there were words that would help, that you find a medication to help, that something, some how, some way can take some of the blackness away and let the beauty in. I do understand the pain, the blahs, the nothingness. Depression is a very nasty illness and you have so many things on your plate to help it thrive. Praying you find some help.

    We're here. We care.

    Hugs and love.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I read up on Pristiq and I'm not impressed. When my depression gets to a certain point, it tends to become treatment resistant and I don't want to get to the place where I was begging for ECT. If my GP isn't comfortable prescribing lamictal, I'll have to get a referral to a psychiatrist. Which I should probably do anyway.

    I feel sick to my stomach and my jaw is sore from clenching. I'm going to try to sleep.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just wanted to send HUGS and support and let you know there's someone else thinking of you. I'm sorry you are going thru so much. I wish I had words to make it all go away.
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    This is an ugly, lonely place to be. I wish I could be there to help you - to just be with you.

    I'd like to offer that somewhere deep inside you there is a ray of light. It may be small & hard to find, but it is there. If it wasn't you wouldn't be the caring mum you are or the caring friend you are to your friends.

    You need a break ~ an afternoon out by yourself. Or a trip out for a cuppa coffee with a good friend, your mum or someone. Someone who's not judgemental ~ just there to listen.

    I've become somewhat homebound & isolated as you have. It's a terrible place to be; you have struggled with your health & finding help for your health. In many ways, I'd like to see you stop as many of the medications that are physically possible. You are on so many, you have no clue what is working & what isn't. I'd love to see you be able to jump start some type of recovery ~ I had the in home therapies. While they were exhausting, it helped me find ways to deal with many of the problems I was having. Ways I hadn't even considered before. The Occupational Therapist (OT) was especially helpful. The PT has helped me start to build endurance even through the pain.

    Sweetie, if you need to talk....talk. If you need to get away, if just for a few minutes, have easy child take you out for lunch (he can sit at another table if you need alone time away from the house).

    Take the beauty that you see outside & realize that you have many of those same beauties inside of yourself. It's okay to like, even be gentle with yourself. It's okay to cry, to scream, to be angry with your situation. It's okay to love the person you've become ~ your body has changed. You as a person, are the same loving person you have always been.
  12. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Heather! Stop! Linda's right, your on so many medications that no one could possibly know what's impacting what.

    You told me about the last time that you had such a bout as this. Try to do something stupid and fun. Even if it's just visualizing something stupid and fun. Even if it's digging the flashlights out from under the bed and doing the middle of the night creep into one of their bedrooms.

    Baby steps, baby steps - they're key in this!

    I soooo admire you for all of the strength that you've shown through all of the things that have gone wrong. Remember, the situation with my mom never did have a good conclusion - just a spiral downward. She didn't have tenacity, which God graced you with a ton of!

    Please let us know if we can do anything for you! Anyway you can hop a plane and come to NYC area for a visit? I've got 3 obnoxious but loving kids that would LOVE to pamper someone (difficult child 2 gives AMAZING backrubs!)!

    I've got you in my prayers and my heart and hope you can feel the hugs that I'm sending.

    You're never alone - we're here and so is "You know who!"

  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    i wish there was a magic spell to lift the world off your shoulders. So sorry you are feeling this way. Hang in there. You are stronger than you think.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Have you ever considered that it is OKAY to feel like this? I don't know one single person here that has not experienced some degree of depression. Whether it was mild and gray or totally dark, go sit in a closet and cry pit of despair feelings - it's okay to feel sad about your situation.

    listen - I'm not telling you it's a good thing to crawl in bed and not shower for a couple weeks - but dang it kid - you've been through so much and it just never ends.....between your health, your kids antics, and your idiot x - who shouldn't even get a mention here but does because he's a stress amplifier. And then there's always day to day, financial problems, gas prices, food is costly - and it adds up.

    You said something that I found interesting - you said you always are able to push it down. (Shrug) WHY do you push things down? You don't have to - you ARE allowed to yell, carry on, cry, vent, be sad, be happy - and just plain be angry at the world once in a while. I think it's pretty normal to do that - to continue to "eat it" all the time? Not good. - (exhale) I know - that was me - I "ate it" for years and years .....and had PTSD and Dude and then just life....and well - you're not in this alone.

    Seriously speaking - Call back to the psychiatrist and tell them you are not in a good place at this time and 9/3 while a few weeks away is too far out for you and ask for an emergency appointment. for DEPRESSION and SAY the words OVERWELMING DEPRESSION. If they won't do anythign for you get to any Doctors care or ER.

    YOU are a very special person, and it makes ME sad to see YOU so hurt. I am proud of you that you recognize this darkness and are hanging on - that in itself is good.

    Many hugs - and like the others - you can call me - but you must call me something pretty, because I'm in a place where ugly somethings would make ME cry. ;)

  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am sending support and caring thoughts.
    I hope you were/are able to take a nap and not think about stressors for a short time.
    It sounds like it's good that your mom is coming back soon.
    I like Star's comments that you don't necessarily have to push it down--you can yell, cry, stomp, do what you have to do. You're a real person and you have the right to your feelings, too.
    I agree with-the others, that calling and moving up your appointment is important. I'd call first thing Mon. a.m. (assuming they're closed over the weekend) and ask for the first cancellation.
    Wish I could help more.
  16. Love the sunshine

    Love the sunshine New Member

    I'm so sorry for the feelings of heaviness and darkness. Until you can get your appointment moved up, can you get outside? Even for a short amount of time each day? Fresh air and sunshine can help a little.

    You may already know of this site, but I've found it helpful.


    The site has a depression and bipolar support forum. Right now on the depression forum there is a thread titled "Need to laugh a little..." There are about 6 pages of jokes right now on the thread - some really stupid - some that made me laugh out loud. It lightened things up for me a little the other day.

    Take care. I'm new to the board, but I'm thinking of you.
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wishing I knew the right words to say, wish I could come and help you out for a bit, wish I had a magic wand to make this depression go away. Know that you are very much loved and we are here for you.
  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and compassion. I'm moved to tears.

    I've decided that when I see my GP on Monday, if she's not comfortable prescribing lamictal then I'm going to get a referral to psychiatrist. I've trialled so many AD's and the lexapro has been wonderful, but it's not enough right now and I don't want to waste time (and side effects) trialling something else that may or may not work. I've done lamictal before, albeit for a short time, and it helped. I never got to therapeutic dose (bad psychiatrist...long story), but it helped.

    Today was bad. Hard. I was being stubborn and did not use my shower stool and I underestimated how weak I was. Just washing my hair made my arms ache and so weak, I could hardly pick up the bottle of soap. And when I turned I almost fell out of the shower. Fortunately, the shower curtain rod is strong, as is the liner. I got out of the shower, laid down on my bed and just sobbed. Then I got dressed, gave easy child a shopping list and then went to bed and slept for 4 hours.

    9/3 was the first available appointment and is really only a week and a half away which isn't bad for someone I haven't seen before. And nothing big is going to happen with one appointment. I don't do well with therapy...that whole being vulnerable thing. I'd rather chew off my right arm. But, I know I need to go and do something and am trying to be proactive. Trying.

  19. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    As Star said, it is okay to be sad and depressed on occasion. It is not okay to constantly stuff your emotions or deny them. So, I'm glad you laid on your bed and sobbed your heart out for a bit. You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself. You've gone through so very much and you're way too young for all of this.

    Yeah, therapy bites but it really can help. So, bite that bullet and open up as much as it hurts. We'll be here to hold you up when you need it.

    You are such a very special person. Warm, caring, giving and, um, oh, yeah, HONEST! I'm honored to know you. Take care of yourself. We need you.
  20. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    What's the dose of Lexapro that you are taking? Perhaps an increase is in order. Thing is, Lamictal is a very slow titration because of the rash (forget what it's called....Johnson something or other), so you would not get the desired effect for a while.