I didn't get to put in my or before, so I'm coming in now able to piggyback on everyone else. To a small extent, I will summarise a little, so to you others - if I seem to be stealing your own ideas, take it as a compliment. If I fail to mention what someone else did, it's still worth considering; it's just not where I'm looking right now.
OK, first huge point - you and your child are very tightly connected. He has anxiety issues and other mood disorder issues, and sees you as the only help. That is a huge burden on you, and is also taking away from him, the chance to learn some self-management. I know he's only 7, but there will be some things he can begin to learn. You and he do need to have boundaries. But you can't do it all right away, you have years ahead of you with him still seeing you as the solution to everything, then getting angry with you when he still has difficulties. So in everything you do, learn to make progress slowly, piecemeal, and don't try to do too much at once. Too great a change will cause more problems - the anxiety is where it will manifest, and this can seem to us to be raging, to be out of control temper, violence, rudeness, intolerance - you name it. But the root of it is anxiety. Panic, if you will. Think of his anxiety as panic, and it might make it easier for you to know what to do for him.
Second huge point - as I was beginning to say in the previous paragraph, you can't fix it all overnight. And if his brain simply isn't yet capable of doing what you want him to do, you won't be able to do a thing in that direction. No vast amount of motivation and therapy will work, if the person just can't do it. Yet. Example - child with broken leg. You need to wait until the plaster cast comes off, before you teach the child how to swim in a competitive relay medley. The child could be highly motivated; you could be paying the coach huge sums of money; you could cajole, use threats, offer bribes - it is simply a physical impossibility and therefore no amount of motivation will give you compliance.
Similarly, a child who has serious anxiety coupled with impulse control issues, is often WANTING to behave, can go through the steps with a therapist and say, "If I get upset, I will do X instead of raging,." but in the stress of the moment it all flies out the window. It's not lack of motivation, it is lack of capability. At that time. It does come, but it does take longer.
Third point - the more you pressure a child to perform, when he is not capable, the worse the anxiety will be and therefore the worse will be the very problems you are trying to correct.
There are still moments when I catch myself dreaming what life would have been like if I had normal kids. This time of the year, when we get the annual Christmas brag from friends and relatives about how little Johnnie has almost finished his Masters degree in Cybernetics, or young Sarah just got Dux of the school but was too busy with her social whirl of very nice friends, to bring the award home to show grandma when she visited last week from her palatial mansion in the Bahamas - that is when I look at my kid who struggled this last year to scrape through school despite having a very high IQ; a kid whose obsession with computer games fills the house despite our efforts to involve him in other things; a kid who finds solace and comfort from anxiety in these games, so when we pull him away from them, he has more panic attacks - this is our normal and I have to ignore the brag letters and concentrate on the now and here in our family. The reality of what is.
People tell us we have done wonders with our kids. Maybe they don't see how far we still have to go, even with our two now-adult difficult children. I'm considering removing the easy child tag from easy child 2/difficult child 2 - her anxiety seems to be getting worse, when we last saw her I was horrified that her legs were covered in spots from her picking at her skin. Trying to live independently of us, as a household of two just her and her husband, is stressful and I am scared she is not coping. I can't count on her husband to have the same understanding, the same ability to get her help, that I have - he's just a kid himself, and has his own issues. He's a lovely guy, but he's young and inexperienced. Plus she can be difficult, as I suspect he has already learned.
difficult child 3 - when I look back to where we have come from, I am amazed. He really is doing well, but I have to keep reminding myself to not let my expectations for him get out of control. At his school presentation day about ten days ago, a classmate of his (who is now a year ahead - difficult child 3 is now studying at half-pace) said to me, "difficult child 3 is a lot more distractible these days, isn't he?" This friend (who does not have Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), he has ADHD which is now almost completely compensated for with medication) cares about his friend but is very aware that difficult child 3 can't keep up and really struggles. Friend was talking to me as an equal, and to difficult child 3 as a little boy. Sad, but that is life.
I know I can't turn my Pinocchio into a real live little boy. Not today. I have to accept he is still a wooden puppet, who desperately WANTS to be a real live boy and who is working towards that goal.
In the meantime - we support him, care for him, actively work to reduce his anxiety (and in so doing, teach him how to manage it himself) and guard against woodworm.
I don't know if I have said this to you before; I know I have said it to a couple of others. But I think you need to have a working hypothesis of autism, for your son. It would explain so very much - a child who knows he is different but who wants to be like everyone else, is going to be depressed. If you had your right arm cut off by an axe-wielding madman and were given no medical attention (other than stopping you form bleeding to death) you would also be depressed. And probably very angry. Also very nervous every time someone comes near you with an edged weapon...
You can't make this child normal. No therapist can, no drug can. But you can bet that somewhere in there, he wants to fit in and is desperately trying to find a way. His way is not going to be good, because he's only a kid. He might get it right sometimes, then 'fall off the wagon' at other times. He's scared, angry, anxious, and very sad at being different and having to struggle. And you, so connected to him - you feel his pain but you're also the meat in the sandwich, you're between him and the others in the family who are also requiring things from you.
I'm not saying he can never be helped - far from it. But it won't happen by trying to make it happen.
difficult child 3 had a "Behaviour Team" at his school, working intensively with him to teach him how to behave more appropriately. It failed - not because they were incompetent, not because difficult child 3 was non-compliant, but because he simply was not yet capable of taking those required behaviours on board in the heat of the moment.
A baby who is learning to walk, needs to be protected from sharp table edges and flights of stairs. In the same way, a child who has behaviour problems and anxiety issues needs to be protected from social situations which are likely to be dangerous for him. Over time, he will learn how to be safer.
And that is the final point - time will help. Give him time. And give yourself time.
In the meantime - Ross Greene helps with everything else. "Explosive Child" is very much indicated in your situation.
Hang in there, Christmas is an even harder time for most, because of all the other families seeming so very happy, and so very normal. Trust me - they're not, it's all a front!
Marg
Hint.
