I'm not sure what to call this post. My sad vacation?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Jul 22, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Made it safely to our destination. Quiet and happy?...not so much.

    Kids are fine but I'm not sure where things are going with husband. After today, I'm worried.

    Insisted on driving around town. I can't do this trip on this timeframe alone, so I let him. Started out with a GPS. HORRIBLE idea. It says "turn left" and that's all he hears and left we go. Doesn't hear street names, or bother to look for that matter. That's my job. Which, come to find out, is why he wants to drive. Cause I can read the map and tell hm where to go.

    What I can't do is read the map, keep him on his side of the road, not running red lights, AND read all the street names and tell him which one to turn on, while simultaneously looking at the map to figure out how to get where we're going NOW that we have missed the last 3 turns cause he turned on the wrong road when the GPS said "turn left".

    He wasn't even making the exit to the hotel, which we have now been on at least 35 times, without me tellig him to turn. The KIDS asked me to not let him drive.

    Then he got mad about it.

    Last night, I asked him what time he wanted to get there today. He never answered.

    He called his parents tonight to see what they were doing tonight, we thought about going to their hotel. His dad said "I haven't been told yet" and husband said "I know the feeling", all grumpy.

    We got back to the hotel tonight, and again, he said nothing about tomorrow, so Im left to set the alarms and get things ready and plan it on my own, even tho I'm apparently a dictater and he gets no say in what we do here...

    But the kicker was today on base at nephew's ceremony. We have to pack around a sheet of paper with nephew's info on it and produce it if asked. Nephew is responsible for us. If we do something against the base rules, he does basic over.

    At the coin ceremony, the airman monitoring our section of the bleachers asked everyone to sit down and remain seated for the ceremony unless asked to stand. EVeryone sat down. Except you know who, who said he wasn't going to sit down, he'd be sitting long enuf thru the ceremony. I told him to sit down and he said "why?" I said "because you're on a military base and you were just asked by an airman to take your seat." OMG.

    He refused to put on his seatbelt. He'd pull it across his lap, but not buckle it. The one time he drove today (which was on base....), he ended up driving in the left hand lane on a 2 lane road with a double yellow line in the middle. When I said something, he got all pissy about that! All day. And of course, no seat belt. And he'd be pissy if I told him to put it on. His attitude was really just "p*** pn their rules". He might get the ticket, but nephew is the one who'll end up paying the real price...

    I'm afraid that perhaps there are some respect issues here that go WAY BEYOND me....and it worries me. A lot.

    When we get back to the hotel, so far, I go to the pool with the kids, he lays on the bed watching tv. When they get tired of swimming, we chill in the room, then I suggest an alternate activity, to which they jump at, and husband grudgingly goes with. We're in San Antonio. There's a ton of cool things to do here that doesn't cost an arm and a leg....and he can sit in the room if he really wants.

    Sister in law brought the brooms down. They are much like having a couple of toddlers. Being the gluton for punishment that I am, I offered to take them back to the hotel when they were ready so she could stay with nephew. She accepted.

    Granted, this woman drives me ape.... But by the time I got them to the hotel and settled in, I wasn't sure which one to feel sorry for....them, or sis-in-law, who's obviously reached the end of her rope with them and is VERY short. I left feeling sorry for them all...and simultaneously thankful I am not in that vehicle.

    Wee and cgfg have handled the trip well. We've done a little site seeing, with a very reluctant husband. I wish he'd just stay here...I think he's hampering their fun. I try to keep it light depite his sighs and groans, but...

    So, yeah. I should be having a ball. Insead, I'm having a...time? Alone with both kids sounds like a dream come true.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2010
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Crikey, I'd love to be in the car with you and husband, I'd soon show him who's boss.


    Because he's the one choosing to be passive-aggressive.

    Buddy, I asked you what YOU plan to do tomorrow, I will work along with you to keep everything ticking along as YOU want it to. So you don't want to tell me? Then I have to do it. So if your refusal to answer means I have to make the decision, please be aware - YOU just chose to get ME to organise it. That was YOU making the decision. So OWN IT!

    [*jerk features*]

    My father tried the passive aggressive stuff a few times. A rare few. My mother showed me by her example, how to manage someone who is behaving this way. She did NOT pander to him in any way, nor did she get upset with him. Instead she made it clear - failure to make a decision is in itself a decision. Everyone else's actions are a consequence, so if you don't like what other people choose to do as a result of your own actions - then change your actions and stop griping.

    I still remember my mother quietly laughing at Dad trying to make her feel guilty for starting lunch without him, when he refused to come in for lunch when we called. Repeatedly. When he finally came in, he got no reproaches, just a plate of salad in the fridge with cling wrap on it, and an empty table to eat at, because we had finished. "We figured you were busy so we didn't wait. No sense all of us being hungry."
    Of course, Dad had been wanting us to be suffering too, so his misery could become our misery. it was the "guess why I'm angry" routine and I think my mother was just too busy with 8 kids, to play guessing games.

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, your husband is showing some serious signs of problems, including a complete lack of respect for everyone and everything. If he cannot grasp that on a military base you do what the man in charge tells you to do, he is way beyond where most people get some help.

    Is alcohol a factor, or is he using some kind of drug when he is not with you? The way he was driving is very scary. He is going to kill someone with that kind of driving. I really hope he gets pulled over and arrested before that happens, esp if he drives like that with the children in the car. Please insist that he not drive any more - no matter how much he whines and pouts and has a fit. If you are in a truck, why not make him ride in the bed if he is going to act that way?

    Is this behavior a sudden and dramatic change, or something that has been slowly building up over time? If it is a sudden and dramatic change there may have been something like a TIA (mini stroke kind of thing - transient ischemic attack). If it has been building could his hearing and/or eyesight gotten much much worse with-o him realizing how bad it is? I know when my Gpa first needed a hearing aid he was struggling very hard to hear so he often only caught the first part of a sentence or direction, like husband is doing with directions. His mood was awful - he knew something was wrong but it happened so gradually that he couldn't really pinpoint what was wrong. Similar behavior happened when his cataracts first started causing problems. My gpa was NOT a stupid man, but he simply did not realize how bad his hearing/eyesight was until he got a hearing aid/cataracts out. He only went to the docs because my mom pulled out the nuclear warheads to attack the problem. He kept refusing to go (with each problem, they did not happen at the same time) until Mom told him we would not come to visit and he could not come visit us until he saw the doctor and did what the doctor told him to do.

    I am wondering if something like that could cause the changes you are seeing in husband.

    Even if there is a reason behind his driving and response to directions, you still need to address the passive-aggressive nonsense. Marg has a good strategy if you can stick to it and ignore him when he gets upset with how you are treating him. This kind of behavior is not healthy for any of you, esp the kids. He is teaching Wee how to treat a spouse and children, and how to treat other adults. easy child is being taught to expect that kind of behavior from a spouse, and that a spouse is supposed to put up with it. Both of the kids are learning that it is okay to treat you with disrespect and to disregard even the most basic rules, such as staying on the right side of the double yellow lines.

    I am sorry that the trip is so unpleasant and scary. (((((hugs)))))
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Shari, is husband unable to read? Is he hiding his inability to follow spoken directions? If the gps is telling him something, it usually posts the name of the street and when exactly to turn. Granted the first few times, you may turn immediately instead of realizing that it gives you a 1/4 or 1/8 mile to prepare yourself and get in the correct lane.
    Sounds like the trip exposed his disability and made him feel like a dunce which influences his whole attitude. San Antonio has so many lovely things to do. I'm sorry he is being such a grump. Some people get really out of sorts with travel and change. I hope he perks up soon. Congratulations on nephew completing basic. Huge accomplishment for anyone.
    I was blessed to get to pin baby brother when he completed Ranger Training. It was such an honor. Enjoy the ceremony.

    by the way, husband not following anyone's rules even if they keep him safe is exactly why they have to enforce the law to prevent stupid thinking from taking those children's daddy away in an accident. Hugs. Hope the trip improves soon. You are a trooper.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Fran may have pinpointed the problem. Dyslexia often runs in families, as do autistic traits. At least from what I have seen they do. Maybe Wee's issues are a more severe version of his father's problems.

    Many many people are able to hide dyslexia and/or illiteracy. One of my college friends used to laugh because her dad would take the labels from boxes or the front of the box to the grocery with him (he did all the family grocery shopping). He kept them in binders. When he needed to buy the item he matched the boxes. She was shocked when I said it is a good way for someone who cannot read to buy the right things. She convinced her dad to admit that he couldn't read and to get some help. She struggled with mild dyslexia but never considered that her dad might have it. She always thought he was too lazy to bother reading the labels. He ran a very successful dry cleaners for years after retiring from working for a railroad company. He had bookkeepers and accountants and others to do the paperwork (until an accountant embezzled and he lost the business).

    It is very possible to hide illiteracy, esp when you are younger and have more energy. Seeing a young relative achieve something you could never do because you cannot read would make a lot of people very grumpy and unpleasant. Especially if it is something you wanted to do when you were young and couldn't because you didn't know how to get help. It sounds like his parents would NOT have allowed him to even be tested for learning disabilities, much less treated for them. This graduation might be bringing back a TON of old resentments.

    I have a cousin (B) who made it to almost the end of third grade with A's and B's even though he could not read. He memorized things and used being the class clown to distract anyone who wanted him to read something out loud.

    You might contact an adult literacy group to ask for signs that might help you figure this out before you speak to husband about it. The National Coalition for Literacy (http://www.national-coalition-literacy.org/) may be a place to start.

    Of course not being able to read is not justification for his behavior, so you need to address that somehow also.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The grumpiness would make me insane. I do not even know why you are willing to be in the car with him while he is in a mood. He should have stayed home and been grumpy on his own. What a major downer! Have you told him that he brings everyone around him down?
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You've gotten some great ideas and insight here. I am way over my head on this, but wanted to offer you support. Many hugs.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in supportive hugs.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs, Shari. I agree you've gotten some great feedback that you can research.

    My H struggles with undiagnosed and untreated depression and sometimes he behaves similar to your H by using passive agressive behaviors and also, behaving like a toddler about having to be the boss or having to drive or in general, setting the tone of the moment. Ugh. Don't want to highjack your post with a vent about me and mine, but could your H be suffering from depression?

    I hope you get to have a few high points on your vaca! You deserve it!
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Shari... Just sending lots of hugs. I do understand... I wish I had good advice, but I don't really, except I loved the Riverwalk. Which doesn't help much!
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    That P/A thing drives me nuts...Miss KT's father did/does that. Add in the total lack of respect for everything and everyone, and I'd be way over the edge. Is husband willing to cooperate with any of you, or is he just sulking at any activity?

    Hugs, hugs, and strength. I think I'd have punched somebody by this time. At the very least, there would have been some serious yelling.
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We just got back to the hotel from the actual grad ceremony. We had lunch with nephew after, and will be joining them at the hotel pool soon. husband promptly came in and flopped on the bed. Now he's asleep.

    I've almost decided passive aggressive is all he knows. Nephew has written in every letter home about missing food. Two Brooms was certain he was just goiing to die the past 2 months because the poor kid was deprived of the food he likes. So we took him to the restaraunt of his choice. He picked a seafood restaraunt that he loves, and Two Brooms happens to hate. Oh, no way was she not going to go, but she even told the hostess how much she hates that place. And I sat there and watched my husband in action, only almost 40 years older.

    I occassionally yank him out of the car or whatever he's sitting in griping and tell him to straighten up. Today I just did it in front of the kids. But man, does it stink to just have another kid on this trip. I gave him til midnight last night to make plans for today. He went to bed at 10. So I made the plans...again. I'll just be sure to point it out...

    This has been goetting worse over time, and now that you mention it, hearing has been getting worse...I'll have him check into that. And he's not driving. Not a lick. He will have to drive some on the way home, but it will be out of town.

    He is barely functionally literate. I would guess he is dyslexic. His sister is. And suspect that is part of the problem. He can't read the map, so he thinks he can drive and I'll read the map. If I'm driving, he's not doing anything, and from his parents' attitude, the man's place is behind the wheel, in command. I just can't keep up with him, tho. We went down to the river walk before I banned him from the wheel and I told him to turn left out of the parking lot, but he thought the street was one way to the right. INstead of stopping and figuring it out, he just took off. And never really figured out if the street was one way or not, so we took off on a detour downtown trying to turn around and get back on the road we were on without doing a uturn, and I'm trying to read a tiny map in the dark to figure it out while he's just barreling down the next street. STOP ALREADY. So we can get a plan. But he doesn't do it that way. And I can't do it "his" way. Then he gets mad at me cause we're "lost".

    Wee is not husband's bio son, but I have no doubt husband is dyslexic, and it has never been addressed. ExMIL was a counselor in the district when husband was a student, and Two Brooms would not allow her son to be "labeled" or get any kind of SpEd services. There was nothing wrong with him. It was all the teachers' faults. So it has never been addressed. Which makes me even angrier when he is short tempered with Wee. Of all people, HE should get it. But not sure he does.

    Thanks for the well wishes. It hasn't been the relaxing time I've hoped, but I've enjoyed seeing the area, and have actually enjoyed visiting with husband's sister. Its superficial, but that's the good part of it. And I have a tiny little flame of hope that nephew is out of the grasps of this family and will learn accountability and responsibility and integreity. In fact, he told me quietly he already has, and that's a really bright spot in the trip for me. Two Brooms would never let him "fall", and thus he was heading down some really ugly paths. There's a chance now that table has turned, and I'm proud of him for it.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's possible that husband even now has to deny any problem in himself, because to accept it would mean tat his mother got it badly wrong. And to accept that means he has to accept his mother is a failure in other ways.

    It is easier for him to keep on insisting its all rubbish, nothing wrong with me, the teachers are idiots anyway, look what they did to me when I was a kid.

    I have a good friend, an otherwise intelligent woman, who for some years was close friends to a very toxic person who told her all kinds of lies about people we both know. My friend had her eyes opened about her toxic friend and realised how she was being lied to. Then the lies began about her, around town. My friend then says of other friends, "How stupid are they to believe these lies about me? Why don't they come to me and ask for the truth?"
    I keep telling my friend - "Your friends are not stupid. Just gullible. Why do they believe the lies? Well, you did, so why shouldn't they?"
    Another thing my friend does, is sometimes she will repeat an anecdote I know her toxic friend told her, and I will say, "That is not true."
    She says, "Yes it is, it must be, I've known this for years!"
    I remind her, "Who was it who told you?"
    She realises. Goes and checks the information.

    Lies and toxic friends aren't always shed so easily.

    We need to be forgiving of those who have been badly misled, especially if it's over many years, because it is easier to keep believing the lies, than to realise you have wasted all that mental energy and years over someone who is toxic and a liar.

  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    We had a very positive step in the right direction before we left when he told some folks that I was driving because he's a small town guy and just can't keep up with it all. He made light of it and said to me, for the benefit of the others as we left, "Chauffer?"

    Yesterday wasn't perfect, but it was much better. WHen I called attention to his grumpies, he made an effort to lighten up.

    Long ways to go. But as long as there is effort.

    The disregard on base, tho, really concerns me.