In desperate need of input from the only people that KNOW what being the parent of a difficult child really is!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by 4PawsSake, Sep 24, 2014.

  1. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    Hi everyone,
    It's been a while and the battle continues with my son BUT, he's living on his own (well couch surfing) and seems to be getting some things in order.
    Since I've been here, I've remarried to the best man I could find. Our home is soooo tranquil and lord knows we difficult child moms soooo appreciate that like heaven! Almost too good to be true but, we deserve it!! Right?
    Not so fast!!
    Hubby has a difficult child too and the princess wants to move in with us!!
    OMG, my nerves are shot over this. He's not lived with them since the separation (she was 7), so he like single moms and being ruled by guilt. He really wants to give this a go. He thinks that we can "help her" get straightened out with patience, counselling and whatever it takes. Could be My sanity! Her mom says she lies constantly, she's been in jail, she's had two abortions, she's combative, she threatens suicide when she isn't winning, she's already told people that when she moves here, her dad will hire her at a rate much higher than he pays his skilled workers and is already shopping on sites for a truck for when she lives here. She is not welcome at her moms place because she caused so many problems between her and her partner. She's already referred to me as a S..t! And still hasn't apologized. Her dad told her she'd need to say a "little" apology(which in my mind really undermines the seriousness of her words.
    Given all this..
    I WAS reluctantly okay with it (I LOVE her dad) but felt that I needed to let her know just where I stood. So I texted her (what I think) was a frank (which we know that with difficult children we can't pussy foot around, if we're not clear they turn things around to suit themselves) but sincere message. Here is the message..(hope this works)

    "I want you to know a few things before you move here. I'm not going to sugar coat anything and I won't treat you like a fragile little girl.
    We are taking you in to help you get your life straightened out. You can rest and relax for a bit but after that we expect you to give this 100%. It's not a vacation, it's not a way to run from your problems. You'll need to work on a plan for work or school but you will need to commit to something.
    If counselling is what you need, we'll both make sure you get it.
    We will not tolerate drama, tantrums, name calling, drinking in excess or drugs.
    We have a VERY peaceful household here and if you give it an honest effort you'll enjoy it.
    I'm not saying this to scare you off or make you feel threatened, I'm saying it because I think it only fair that you know exactly what is expected of you."
    I sent this early in the morning. I waited for a response...nothing. So I asked her dad if he heard anything and by the way, I didn't tell him I was sending it and did that purposely to test her reaction. So he asked her. She said yes she received it but was visiting a friend. She did however have time to respond to him.
    She STILL hasn't responded and I'm just pissed!
    I'm so acutely aware of how these kids operate that I feel really scarred and scared to jump on that roller coaster again!

    Frustrated but hopeful
  2. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    Also, he feels I should have given him a heads up before I sent that to her. I didn't think I should afterall, if she lives with us, she's going to have to face the music just like mine does. If I have to run everything by him before I speak, then why bother being a part of this effort.
    When my son was home, I did not interfere with anything he discussed with him. And at one point there were harsh words but my son deserved it.
    My son also apologized without coaxing!!
    I've always been upfront, honest and committed, those are traits he loves about me! I can't change that to coddle a spoiled brat!!

    Frustrated but hopeful
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My stomach would be in knots. (((((HUGS)))))
  4. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    It is!!!
    I want to be fair. I know his kid needs a chance too just like WE gave my son but it's not starting off well. She's already showing disrespect by disregarding me.
    He has not been thru what myself and his ex has been thru with our difficult children!

    Frustrated but hopeful
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Oh no, how old is she? I would not be able to tolerate it. Make sure your husband knows the responsibility is in his hands. I am so against this for you, I am here just shaking my head no, no, no, no, no.
  6. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    My answer would be No Way, not in a million years, no chance.
    She's an adult, she can find her own place to live.

    I have 2 lovely step-children, aged 23 and 24.
    No way could they come and live with us, ever.
    They're adults.

    How can her father even consider dumping this on you?
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  7. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    She's 19.
    My whole body is aching. My head is about to explode!
    We've not even been married 2 weeks!!!
    I love this man so much but what he's hoping from me is killing me. I think he feels that by MY text, I put HIM in a bind. Yet he does understand where I'm coming from as much as someone that's not been through it can.
    He says that if it doesn't work and she proves to just be a manipulative brat, she'll have to go. This will be after we ship her from the other side of the country!! She's in Alberta, we're in Nova Scotia.

    Frustrated but hopeful
  8. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    I feel like I'm obliged because of the few months he put up with my son's bs.
    I'm devastated!! I'm not exaggerating.
    I was recounting things I've seen in my own childhood. I witnessed a lot of abuse my mother inflicted on my siblings but not me. I do get emotional whenever I revisit that but it's not often and I can let it go for long stretches. He asked me if I thought that I may need counselling. No, I'm fine but I did say that while he's worried about his daughters mental health, I may be the one that needs it after this.

    Frustrated but hopeful
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    By the way, what you texted seems very fair. I think it was perfect and I might borrow it for future reference.
  10. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    I think that most men are just uncomfortable with drama and that's why he says he'd have appreciated a heads up.
    Drama has been my life since my son entered public school. And finally I have a bit of a reprieve from it and now I'm starting over.
    If I had given him a heads up, it wouldn't have changed anything other than to give her a heads up on how to respond. She's 19!!!!
    He used an example of how he was turned off of school when he was in grade 9 because his teacher had given an hour long spiel about how things were going to be in his class.
    By that I guess he means that my rant likely turned her off. He was a kid, she's 19!!!

    Frustrated but hopeful
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi 4, honestly, I can see his point in your not telling him before you sent the text. It would have been great if it had been from the both of you. Very, very often difficult children try to divide and conquer. Don't give her a reason to even think that is going to work as a strategy. You and your husband must be on the same page, or this doesn't have a prayer of working for even a week.

    Second, I would have a timeline for this new arrangement. Three months? Six months? Whatever makes sense for you two.

    Is she in college? If so, a full class load and a part-time job.

    If not, a full time job and paying something in rent to you two---even if it's $25 a week.

    And, I would get clear with him about what the agreed-upon process will be to stop the arrangement, and under what conditions, from the very beginning.

    difficult children muddy the water very very well, and when it's right in front of you both, and you're furious and he's feeling sorry for her, people tend to lose their common sense.

    Having things spelled out ahead of time could be very helpful---even writing down what you two agree on, so you don't forget.

    Good luck! Bless you.
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Something tells me your hubby might be saying to her "pay her no mind". I don't want to scare you, but I see this going down a bad road.
  13. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    We're already not on the same page when it comes to how we address her. He baby talks to her like she's 12 and I never have. Him and I however had already discussed the rules of our home and agreed.

    Frustrated but hopeful
  14. 4now

    4now Member

    I agree with some of the others. It is imperative that you show a united front or difficult child is going play you against each other. If he i swishy washy now, before she has even moved in, wait until she amps up the pressure and drama. I hope I am wrong, but I would have a serious heart to heart with husband and get things straight before she comes.

    Sent using ConductDisorders
  15. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    He has no idea how to handle a difficult child, he sees this as a rescue mission. He admits he's scared and leery too but still "owes" it to her!
    The diffeeence between my son and his daughter, he was under 18, when he turned 18, he was out!
    Hubby moved in aware of all of this.
    She is an adult and is being brought in.

    Frustrated but hopeful
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Oh, boy. I'd refuse to let her come, even if I loved her dad to pieces. She isn't going to change from how she behaved with her mother.

    On the other hand, if Dad really means that she has to behave herself and follow your house rules, she won't last a week.

    But, really, he can't save her and I'd put my food down. Hard. It is a nightmare waiting to happen. If he hasn't been the primary parent since she was age 7, it's too late now. Let him see her in a neutral setting, but not in your house. Your peace will be shattered as soon as she steps through the door. You will be doing a replay (or worse) of your difficult child son. Why ask for it?

    Good luck!
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  17. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    He's definitely not sayin "don't pay no mind to her" but she is definitely reading it that way. Because that's what they do!

    Frustrated but hopeful
  18. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    He says he feels like everyone has judged her badly and that she was never given a chance to be good.
    He says, what if she's not that bad, what if it works! Why should she be shut out anymore (meaning her mom is giving her a time limit on her stay).
    My response is ...past behaviour can pretty much predict what the future will be. What if she is as horrible as I think she is going to be. And, Why should I be the one to put my own mental health on the line to save an adult that needs to do that on her own.
    Her mom wants her to do a 30 day assessment but not for the right reason...not because she needs it in her mind but to save her from an assault charge that is pending after punching her boyfriend in the face.
    I'm so torn!
    I feel like I'm need to do this for HIM. Yes, I'm %99.999999999 positive that it will end horribly bad, and then where does she go...We'd be stuck with her.
    He keeps bringing up that she may be ill and this is cause for her bahaviour. son is ill too...he's an alcoholic BUT, he's out there doing his own thing because he can't follow my authority in this house. He's okay! He's not living the life I had hoped for him but he's okay today.
    He's seeing her out on the street. She will not be out on the street. I distinctly remember him saying that that might be good for my son. It never happened because his loser friends took him in, just like hers will. And it not..she'll have to be responsibe and pick up her own pieces.

  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    How old is she?
    She's probably also using drugs. difficult children and drugs almost always go together. So do difficult children and personality disorders, such as borderline. It's treatable, but the person usually doesn't believe they are is everyone else. Plus it takes hard work and to swallow crow.
    Does she work? Do chores around t he house? Pay rent? Is she respectful to her father even if she doesn't want something?
    Maybe you can talk some sense into him. It could ruin your marriage. Ask him if he thinks your son deserves a second chance and if he should move back...haha. Ask him, when he says no, why not? Whats the difference?
  20. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    If I read right you two have only been married 2 weeks. This situation with the daughter is going to take a huge toll on your relationship. You two are still in the honeymoon phase and add difficult child is going to be a huge stress on the marriage and I definitely agree with the poster who said that difficult child will try and divide and conquer. Seems like it is a for gone conclusion that difficult child is moving in so firm boundaries needed to be applied here. If it were I, I think I would stress to husband that since the two of you just got married it is not fair to the marriage to introduce another person to the household - especially one that has a boatload of problems.