In desperate need of input from the only people that KNOW what being the parent of a difficult child really is!

[4PawsSake]

She's 19, can't hold a job. Has "panic attacks, drinks while on medications, has had oodles of partners since she was old enough to be sexually active with both sexes, treats her mom like dirt, lies, only texts dad when she's single and needs a bail out.
I did suggest that we ask Forest to move back and really have a party!



Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[4PawsSake]

The day after we married his other daughter threw a tantrum on the phone demanding money for car insurance. He put his foot down. Their mom dragged them to the other side of the country to live with a boyfriend and convinced the kids to leave dad. We BOTH decided to NOT pay it! He told her that cars and insurance are luxuries SHE has a part time job for. The next day, he caved. WITHOUT TELLING ME! Now he's paying the insurance!
Then the difficult child calls two days later from the police station. They put her in the drunk tank for punching the alcoholic abusive b/f in the face. The rest of the story is here.
This is supposed to be to be the best time of our lives. A honeymoon phase that feels like it never happened and I can't help but selfishly feel jilted!
I'm beside myself!


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[2much2recover]

I did suggest that we ask Forest to move back and really have a party!

Oh and what a doozy that would be, it would be funny if it weren't so sad. Again you both need to take care of yourselves first - like they say in the emergency announcement on an airline : put your oxygen mask on first then you can help others.

 

[4PawsSake]

His answer to that was, Forest always had everyone bend for him. She's not the same!
YEAH, she is!!! She's quite possibly worse! But, we'll see.
I have agreed that if our Skype session with her tonight (if she has the balls to show up) is satisfactory and him and I agree to time limits and requirements met on her end, we may TRY it.
Kids like this have to understand that every second that they're with us is on a probationary level. ALWAYS!!! Even when they're 40 !!


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[2much2recover]

I see you are also trying to determine what diagnosis may fit you step-daughter difficult child - I think the age makes a huge difference - at 19 may not be what they are at 30 - My daughter is 40 so to expect any changes would be foolish on my part. Also because getting difficult child in for a proper diagnosis is so hard, a little research into the various personality and mental health disorders would be necessary before you could start to pieces together of the "what" are you dealing with. My own journey of discovering my daughter is either a sociopath or has sociopath tendencies was when I went to therapy and explained the situation. Once the therapist opened my mind to the fact that my daughter only operates in one of two ways; control/manipulation, was able to start the process of researching what "fit". I don't really focus on her going in for diagnosis, because hey when you are perfect as difficult child thinks she is she doesn't need help.

 

[dstc_99]

Basically your husband is trying to make up for the time he lost and the stability the girls lost when he got divorced and they moved away. In his mind paying insurance is helping them out and being supportive. Giving his difficult child daughter a second chance and letting her start over with him is another way he is being supportive. The timing sucks! He may be misguided on this as well.

Here is my advice....Do not allow her to move in without written rules and a rental agreement of some sort. Make sure in the paperwork clearly states your expectations and the consequences should she not follow them. I say that because in some states once they move in you have to evict them to get them out. Make it a month to month or week to week rental whatever you have to do to make it where you can reevaluate her living there frequently. You might even want to check in to the legality of it all.

 

[4PawsSake]

You're absolutely right, he's trying to make up for what was taken from him. The only time they need him is when they're in trouble (mostly financially). I soooo get that. In a weird sort of way, having a deadbeat dad for mine allowed me to raise them the way "I" wanted to. His were raised on a greed basis.
I can't take this opportunity he thinks he has away from him.


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[BusynMember]

As long as you expect chaos, go for it.

A lot of children grow up without fathers and don't turn out wrong. I don't know how old this daughter is, but she is obviously eighteen or older. If you feel you can keep your marriage intact while going through another difficult child with issues, let him give it a whirl. I'm not psychic, but my guess is it will not go well. And I don't know how he'll feel about throwing HIS daughter out of the house. Your son was YOUR son. This is HIS daughter. It does make a difference, since neither of you raised one another's childrens. Thus a strong attachment from either of you is not there for the other person's child.

Crossing fingers, eyes and toes!!! Good luck!

 

[4PawsSake]

I know you're right!! I'm 100% sure you are but I'm afraid I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't!
What a friggen way to kick off my new married life!


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[2much2recover]

Happy marriage present! in jest of course!

 

[DammitJanet]

I think I have a somewhat unique view on this situation. My parents divorced after about 30 years of marriage when I was about 19 years old. I had already married. My marriage isnt what this is all about though...it is about my dad and his whole new life.

Long and convoluted story which could only happen in my life is that my mom had a best friend since the time I was 9. This woman had ended up divorcing somewhere along the way and her kids were around my age...one my exact age, the other two a couple of years older and younger. I wasnt friends with my mom's best friends kids but we all knew each other. When my mom made the mistake of telling her best friend about the divorce evidently her best friend decided my dad was a catch. Not that I dont think he was a wonderful man but he was also about 10 to 12 years older than her and he was very old fashioned about things.

So anyway....after they got married - which I was obviously not there for because I was told it wouldnt be good for a 7 month pregnant daughter, especially one not pregnant from her husband who was now her ex husband. Oh but my step mom's son who was a couple of months from being 18 could move into their new home with them even though he had been living with his father. And this same boy lived with them until he was about 24 because he was a bit special. See....his father is severely bipolar and they were afraid chris was going to be too. He isnt. They just let him lay up in the bedroom, watch video's and play the guitar.

Meanwhile, I got divorced, my mom was well, crazy as a loon and wanted me to end up homeless. I had three kids by the time I was 24. I was now living with a man my father would have never picked for me...a country bumpkin. His upper middle class daughter had become trailer park trash. My step mom never let me forget it either. Oh she pretended to love me and the kids. For him. The day after he died she took every picture we had ever given him or he had taken of me and the boys and gave them back to us.

Her kids could do no wrong and I could do not right. We found it amusing that HER grandson was wasted on weed at my fathers funeral and MY boys werent.

 

[gingersgrl]

I agree with 2m2r. 2 weeks into a new marriage is too soon for we all know is coming if she moves in. And the divide and conquer has already begun and she isn't even there yet. I would be sick to my stomach with anxiety and dread.

 

[nlj]

It's just not fair is it.
It's not as if she's a young girl. He's not going to recapture the lost years by taking in a troublesome adult.
Why does she want to move in with you? Does she want to ruin your marriage for some reason? Revenge?
The whole situation is ridiculous in my opinion.

 

[4PawsSake]

SHE'S NOT COMING!!!!!!

Him and I had a really naked conversation. We managed to strip away all of the emotion we both feel and stepped outside and hovered over it like it was someone else' situation. We made it neutral for a few moments. We decided to put the ball in HER court and let her do some work.
Knowing we had a Skype date to discuss plans lastnight. We left it up to HER to make the initial contact. NOTHING!! I was on pins and needles since the time difference is three hours. We waited until 11:00 pm here (9:00 there).
Now WE (everyone on this forum) knows that she will come up with some excuse (YOU didn't contact me, yadda yada yada) but we're not accepting excuses.
We also made critical decisions that in the future IF she ever lands her, SHE will buy that ticket $1300.00 (round trip with open return date) after she does specific personal homework. However, we'd only be open to it after a month from now and we discussed how long we'd have her (3 months tops).
After that, we both had a good stiff drink, filled our bellies with delivered pizza and slept like babies!!!!

Thank you all sooooo much for your support! I realize there is always going to be storms brewing but I feel good knowing that I'm on the same page with my husband!


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[4PawsSake]

By the way, I don't think I mentioned in all of this...I've only met this difficult child once and only for two days when I visited her dad. Then she moved out west with her mom and dad moved here with me!
But we all can certainly peg 'em. Guess there's a little sarcastic humour that we can insert here...thank you my difficult child son for opening my eyes to all difficult children to come! Lol


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[toughlovin]

Very glad it worked out!! Definitely will put your new marriage to the test, having to deal with difficult children on both sides!

I do think it is important with familiies in general, and in particular step kids to let the original family member deal with the rest of the family. I have not had the issue of step kids but have had the issue of difficult in-laws.....and although there have been times when I would like to give my mother in law (or my father in law) a piece of my mind I have always talked about with my husband and let him do the dirty work. So in the future I recommend you and your husband talk things through and like you said have a naked conversation about the issue but I would let him be the one to communicate things with his daughter. If she actually at some point comes to live with you then that might be a different story but until then leave it to him.

I am really glad that at least for now she is not coming.

And Janet.... my story has a lot of similarities to yours. My parents got divorced after 38 years of marriage and my dad eventually remarried an old family friend!! Created some major family tension.... the difference was my mom was a gem and she and I were very close.... but I did not have a good relationship with my dad for a long time.

TL


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[4PawsSake]

We've had other issues that weren't as pressing. And it's always him that does the communicating with his girls. I make sure that they don't see me as interfering. I really don't know his girls, I haven't had the opportunity . However this one was happening right before my eyes. I felt that I wasn't being heard. All I did hear was coddling on his part and I pleaded for him to look at it from my perspective. I panicked! And I think rightfully so! I really needed her to know from the woman she was prepared to dump on that I have a voice.


Wendy
Frustrated but hopeful

 

[susiestar]

I am glad that it is settled at least for now. Be prepared for her to make another plea and for him to want to give in to it. She is clearly very manipulative and takes what advantage she can. So be sure to work at being a united front with him in regards to issues with the kids.

In fact, I would make it a rule that you must discuss major things like this with each other, WITHOUT the kid there OR waiting on the response on the phone or skype or whatever. Unless/until you have the time to discuss it without the pressure to give a response ASAP, no decision or agreement is to be made on issues like this. It is a good marriage rule, and esp a good parenting rule.

In addition, get a copy of Parenting your Teen with Love and Logic and both of you read it. You don't have her living with you, but you are still going to do some parneting and she may decide to come live with you at some point. This will help you be ready to handle things. Don't EVER agree to let ANYONE, especially one of your adult children, move in with-o a written lease agreement specifying conditions and terms including a move out date and rules and consequences for not following them, plus terms for eviction if rules are not followed. If you don't do this, you could end up having to go through a legal eviction process or even getting a restraining order if she is violent or abusive or brings drugs into your home. If you don't prepare ahead, you will pay bigtime later!

 

[DammitJanet]

TL....well there was one little item I left out. Sometime when I was about 17 and had just had a pretty major car accident my mom and my future step mom thought it would be a grand idea for her son, the one who is my age, to get together because he had just had a bad car accident too. Well the problem was we were both potheads back then so instead of consoling each other about the wrecks, we went out and got high and then we ended up sleeping together that one time! Never in our lives at that time would we have guessed we would end up essentially step siblings. It never bothered us, Scott and I, but I think his mother didnt want us to even be in the same room as adults. Trust me, we never wanted a repeat. Its not like we were dating, it was a one night stand.