We took an oath, for better or worse. Here we are, 35 years later and learning to care for ourselves and each other all over again after the craziness with our beloved G-F-G's.
You know Leafy, I think both D H and I sort of expected the day would come when we would be divorced. Then, we had those pretty kids and everything was all sunny all the time and so, no one went and got a divorce. We would like, have everyone over for dinner, or host a family reunion or some other positive, equally stressful thing instead, and then, fight about who has to bring the chairs back.
And life was pretty good.
Then, first one and then, the second, child went off the rails and how we made it through that, I will never know. D H did the saving of the marriage. Probably he had those times when he didn't want to be married to me anymore, either. (Here is a funny story. So, the kids were so in trouble, and oh, man, I hated my D H, and my life, and every single thing. So, I was lying there wide awake thinking nasty things, right? And I decided to turn over so I could glare at my D H in his sleep. But when I turned over?
Guess who was already glaring at me.
So, we glared at one another for something like two seconds.
Everyone always says it is love and blah, blah. Marriage is a serious business. It matters very much that the male be ethical.
I sound so strange, but I think you know what I mean.
He must be trustworthy. Yelling and honest is part of that, as long as listening is part of that, too. Then, both people in the relationship grow.
I think that is true.
But without the kids and those dreams...I don't know. I didn't have a heart for my marriage. I had been a mom at home. That is what I wanted, and I was so happy living as the mom at home. When everything fell apart, there was no longer a reason for me to do anything I had done, before. There was no one to eat the cookies, no reason to create dinner, no sunshine at all in that house. So I made all kinds of changes, and D H stayed right with me through all of it, and isn't that something.
Oh, he was so mad when I went back to school!
Living with my D H through all that we have has taught us...I don't know. It's like, catching the other guy's back, every time, without fail.
Only it doesn't look much like catching, sometimes.
One time? My D H was so tired of hearing about my sister and my mother that he threw our dinner right over the deck railing.
And this is an Italian person.
They are fixated on dinner; dinner is second only to breakfast, in the eyes of my Italian D H. My D H has a temper, and a tendency toward verbal abuse. Like Jackie Gleason, in the clip you posted for us, Leafy. This is why we chose the men we did. To live the questions, to examine all of it right up close, and heal.
So I say, "Is that really how you want to talk to your own wife?"
Or I say, "What do you mean?"
Plus, my D H was never afraid of my mother. He just never took her seriously, and I was safe from her, under his wing. After my father's death, my mother became so nasty and cutting and determined to have it her way that even D H took notice.
The point I am making I think is that we chose our mates because
we are confronting and working through issues we have decided to face. The problem, for those raised in frightening ways, is to determine the difference between a mate who is loud and obnoxious (sometimes) and a predator. Yelling is one of D H favorite things. I think it is the way he was brought up.
But I am not Italian.
Sometimes, I say: Could you just not yell about whatever it is right now? AND DON'T YELL AT MY DOG, EITHER. And no, it is not okay to yell at the cat."
I don't believe I much care for this yelling all the time stuff. And when that happens, then I think about leaving, very much. So, my D H stops yelling or I stop listening or whatever it is. It's like my avatar, in a way. "Gimme yo shoes." (And did you know Leafy, that red shoes are a symbol of the power of a fertile young woman? Oh, yes.) And I'm like, "D H, please."
And so, everything turns out to be nothing, at all.
I like being married to my D H, very much.
That is where the question of ethics comes in.
You have been with your D H for so long a time too, Leafy.
He must be a honorable man.
Marriage is a mystery. I never understand my D H motivation. He doesn't get me, either.
But here we still are.
And my favorite place to be, in all the world, is right next to my D H. That feeling of him, right next to me. How goofy is this?!? And we hate each other and we love one another and it is just an amazing thing, to be married to my
Marriage is a bright and black and bright again thing.
My D H has made me very strong.
Why he stayed with me all these years, I do not know.
It is a difficult thing, to describe a long-term marriage and how and why it works.
You wouldn't even have to say a bad Chinese word, just the intonation works!
No more word searching?!?
My hubs was raised more Hawaiian than Chinese, his Mom had the Chinese intonations. Her talking was mostly at a shouting level, she was funny, and boy could she ever cook!
I love D H mom, too. Italian ladies are so crabby and entitled. They don't love you hearts and flowers. They love you real. D H whole family is that way. And they fight and make up and everyone wants to be there for Christmas.
And the most important thing, when they get together, is the food.
I am serious. It took me the longest time to understand they meant it, when they wanted to know whether the sauce was boiling or smiling. To smile, when you are spaghetti sauce, is to be just above a simmer.
Did you learn to cook Chinese too, Leafy?
I have learned to cook Italian...but I still do wrong things like put oil in the pasta water.
And D H mom gives me a look and says: "What you doing."
Just like that.
For heaven's sake.
D H mom is older, now.
Hubs speaks English pretty well for a "local" boy. Pidgin English is the colorful, all mixed up language that you may have heard of. I can break in to it, having lived most of my life here. Pidgin English with a Boston accent- interesting stuff.
Ha! I love this story. As you read Copa more, you will see where she slips into the brilliant feel of Spanish, though her words are English.
and turn the light on PAC!!! that evil, vile, disgusting, serrated scratchy legged, two inch B-52 dropped at guillotine speed right onto my neck! My hormone heightened super senses felt the insult spreading from the filthy varmint on my tender neck to my very inner being, instantaneously I grabbed it and hurled it across the dark room. PAC, it hit the door, and I grabbed the hubs and shook him awake,
Ew, Leafy. You were brave. I would have been out of bed so fast. And
D H would be waking up all disoriented. And shouting, "What! What!" And I would go: "B B B BBuuuugggggg! Oh, roar, a huge bug was right on me!"
And D H would go: "What you doing."
Just like that.
That actually happened to us one time, with a bat. Not that the bat got on me. But he was definitely in the vicinity. I kept waking D H up going, "BAT! There's a BAT in our room! A BAAATTTT!!!" And D H kept trying to go back to sleep. And then finally the bat swooped low enough for D H to feel him, too!
You never saw a man leap out of bed so quickly.
So, D H goes to get the fish net we keep to catch bats with.
And he couldn't catch it, and the more upset everyone got, the faster the bat circled and circled the room. So, D H starts yelling about why the cat was not catching the bat. And what good was she if she couldn't even catch a bat, anyway. (It is that same yelling problem we were discussing earlier, right?)
So, the cat gives D H a look, jumps off the bed, and leaves the room.
And D H and I are left alone with the freaking bat.
It was just so funny.
I am thinking we must have caught the bat. This all happened when I was much younger and cuter. If it happened today? D H would pretend to be asleep. D H is like, the best method actor ever. Even when I know darn well he's awake, he stays staunchly, absolutely asleep.
Today? I would have to catch the bat, myself.
Hope you were able to stomach the clean up. eckkkkk!
Oh, the clean up is coming along beautifully! We have ants, too. They are everywhere in the kitchen. I cannot imagine what is different about this year. But everything is beginning to look pretty, again. It will take about a week to ten days, and we will have all of it back in order.
I am Spring cleaning as I go through each room. Today is the kitchen and the laundry room.
Feeling, I tried to respond to your post the night you were so frightened when the lights went out. We had already disconnected our internet though, so my response would not post and was not saved.
How are the nights for you now, Feeling?
Copa, you must be working in the other house. I think the last thing I read was that you had taken down old wall paper. You will fall in love with this renovation I think, Copa. It's fun to realize we can do these things.
I am happy for you. But I miss you.