Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Sep 23, 2011.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Cgfg joined a shotgun shooting team through school. They practice once a week and have shoots maybe once a month. She needs 2 boxes of shells for each. Cost - $10.
    Apparently, her mom is refusing to buy her ANY. I am certain she is expecting me to pick up the slack, and I don't want cgfg to miss out, but I also know if I start this, it will never stop. I do her mounted shooting stuff cause that's stuff that's on our time. Trap is rarely on our time.
    Her mom and step dad have - in the past 12 months - painted and carpeted the house, bought new appliances, bought a new truck (their other vehicle is less than 2 years old), bought 2 pygmy goats, built a chicken coop, bought 30 chickens, 10 ducks, I don't know how many guineas, bought 2 registered boxer puppies for breeding (I know who they bought them from - they have $1000 in dogs), bought cgfg a switchblade (among other things), bought the new xbox or playstation - whichever came out last, I don't recall, both got smart phones....I could go on. The point is, they aren't broke.
    My husband is a schmuck, and I'm attempting to deal with that situation, too. Not sure how long he'll be hanging around...but I won't just dump cgfg on her butt...I also can't afford to take on her every whim while mom pays not a dang thing so she'll have more play money.
    I have a notion to call mom's mom. The grandma that funds so much of this koi. I have a notion to tell cgfg tough, I can't afford anything else for her. I have a notion to get a mediator involved and pay this extra stuff in exchange for more time with cgfg and less child support - she can help me around the house and earn some of the money for her activities, and I'll get help I desperately need. And I have a notion to just show up on mom's doorstep tonight and discuss it unannounced and unplanned and ask for all of the above, since she can't seem to afford her kid, even with more child support than she's supposed to be getting....
    Any bits of wisdom?
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I like your idea of having cgfg "earn" the money by doing chores and work around your place. At our house, we have certain chores that everyone is expected to do just because it is part of living here. Then we have big jobs that are opportunities for the kids to earn spending money. Living on a farm - seems to me there must be an awful lot of real work that needs to be done at any given time.

    If cgfg refuses or is not allowed to spend time doing chores at your place - let her earn the money somewhere else.

    That's what I think I would do....
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Well... Bio mom told us that support was supposed to cover ALL the kids' activities... So... I think you might be able to reword that...
  4. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    If that's really an option, it sounds like the best one.

    It sounds like her mom and step dad have plenty of money to do this if they choose, but if they choose not to, you really can't force them to on your own. I don't know your situation: would this be a hardship on you or is it just another in a long line of stuff and you need to draw the line somewhere?
    Cgfg is a teen and will be out of school before you know it. Extracurricular activities are usually good for our difficult children. If this is something she really likes, it would be too bad for her to have to give it up, but it is also a lesson that kids need to learn that money does not fall from the sky and there is a limit to what people can do.

    I am still having the problem myself of how much to help my grown difficult children and how much to let them swing in the wind. It's hard to know when to say no and when to help.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I could afford this and not break the bank, but I can't do this forever, and I can't take on the expenses for a kid that my husband is also paying generous child support for! I am not rich, by any means, and I've raised 3 kids with no child support from anyone! I've done it by plain ol' hard work, and I'm not going to work my tail off so her mommy can have funny money. I don't mind taking in cgfg to a point....but I can't afford to fund everything for her. I already do her mounted shooting, and we have to buy her clothes to have here, and husband pays more in support than the required amount to offset costs like this.

    But, I also know if I do this, it will be the first of a never ending stream of tactics by mom to get me to pay for stuff. The latest? A nearby store was having a drastic sale on dresses, so I took cgfg. She needs a dress for a wedding. They also had a nice dress she really wanted for homecoming, so, like an idiot, I bought it for her. Now? Mommy won't buy her anything else to go with it. I now have to provide shoes, jewelry, whatever else. So I know this is just a ploy by mom to get me to spend my money instead of her.

    I know her mom won't allow her to come to the house extra time to do extra chores to earn the money. So I'll have to be careful with that threat. I might, however, say I'll fund the shells, but I WILL be picking her up and going with her to practice, watching, bringing her back TO MY HOUSE for dinner, etc, and THEN return her to mom's. If I am expected to throw cash at it, I expect to be involved. Mom may quickly renig on the not paying for shells thing then...

    Heck, mom doesn't even drive her to the practices - our NEIGHBOR BOY goes and gets her and takes her back...
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    From an "outsider" perspective? This one makes sense. You WILL be pushing all sorts of buttons with the approach... but who are they going to scream to? I mean, really, you're already going the 2nd (10th?) mile on this stuff. To have strings attached that are for the good of the child... will either work to the good of the child, OR they will have to come up with plan B that involves not using your money.
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    From your previous posts, I can't get out of my head that this is NOT about money. Biomom doesn't seem to want to allow all these enrichment activities especially if you want them or they involve you in any way. You've posted before of activities you were willing to pay for, and biomom did everything in her power to block it from happening. Unfortunately, cgfg is the pawn in this game.

    in my opinion the money is a non-issue
    Directly to biomom? WHY? Stop that now. Anything "extra" he can pay directly to whoever is collecting it.

    Does the support/parenting agreement address any of these issues? The parenting plan I filled out did. It got very SPECIFIC. Who pays for activities? Who drives to activities? The most logical sample I saw, stated that the registering parent pays and drives. If husband registers her for something, he's responsible for payment and transportation - IOW biomom can't stop him (by default you) from taking her to the activity.

    Was this two dresses or just one? Who's side of the family is the wedding for? Sadly, if it's your's and husband's then yeah, you have to pay for the accessories. If it's biomom's or a friend's, then heck no, you don't have to pay for anything else! Homecoming? Nope. Not a penny more. "Normal" expenses are supposed to come out of support.

    I'm so sorry cgfg is stuck in the middle of this, because it really is NOT about money or who can afford what. It's about biomom's need to control, and with every penny you spend, she gets more of it. And when you're willing to spend the money, she still finds ways to block your efforts. You need to stop the insanity somehow.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    As a teen, she's old enough to start funding her own activities. I'd leave bio out of it and just simply talk with cgfg and tell her so. No sense in making a mountain out of a molehill.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    No, that's just it, its not ultimately about money. exMIL was a teacher when cgfg's mom was in school, and she says her mother is no different now than she was then - unhappy and miserable and does everything she can to make everyone else join her.

    But you're right, its not about money. not to mom. It will be to me, because I can not afford to just keep piling on expenses for the child, not and take care of my own, as well.

    Parenting agreement says each parents takes care of what they do on their time, and there is no splitting costs except for emergency medical. husband pays for the expenses on his time. Mom pays for the expenses on her time. Support is to cover those expenses on mom's side. He agreed in their parenting agreement to pay higher than state-calculated support in exchange for not splitting all this kind of stuff. He pays it to the support enforcement, but it goes straight to her on a debit card. Trap shooting falls on her time, although signup night was on our night and cgfg was with us when she registered, but I defaulted entirely to mom, since the practices and most of the shoots are on mom's time. Mom gave the ok for cgfg to sign up. There's really not a lot we can do if mom refuses to pay for the stuff, other than pay for it and take her. I don't know if there's a specific clause that addresses this or not, but I can't imagine a court not allowing a kid to go with her dad and step mom to a school sponsored activity her mom agreed to sign her up for... Mom tried to get us to pay for half of softball the same year I bought the horse, etc, for cgfg to do mounted shooting. I said, Unless you'd like to pay for half a horse.... lol She backed off that real quick.

    I took her shopping for a dress for a wedding on our side. I expected to buy it, no problem. Homecoming, however, is on mom's weekend (next weekend), but she loved this dress and the price was very good ($40 for a semi-formal that looks great on her) so I bought it. Now, mom is refusing to buy her any accessories to go with the dress. I just bought it because she loved it, she needed a dress for homecoming, it was something I'd have bought "my own" kid, and honestly, I just thought it was the right thing to do. To say "nope, can't have that gorgeous, inexpensive dress because your not my kid and that's your MOM'S weekend/problem" just seems so wrong.

    but no, ultimately, its not about money. Its about preserving myself and resources for my own family while attempting to make the best out of a really crappy situation. And I don't know how to stop the insanity (great line!) without just totally screwing cgfg.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hound - bio won't let her have a job. She makes her work for her, but rarely pays her. She is quite old enough to babysit, and such, and then I would agree with you, but bio won't let her. She's not even allowed to spend time at friends' houses except on very rare occassions.

    She is with us one evening a week and every other weekend Fri 7pm to Sun 7pm. If she works those hours, we get no time with her.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so glad I never had to deal with child support. Lindsay and Cory have a workable plan because she knows that he cant work most of the time and when he does, he sends her money. We do as much as we can for Keyana. When she needs or wants something for her ( my instinct is always to say for the we attempt to do our best to see that she gets it. We have helped fund many of the beauty pageants. Cory never could afford those on a good day.

    Personally I think you should write up a list of everything that cgfg does and who funds it and who takes her and picks her up and all those type details and go over and have that little sit down with the woman and hash it out. Sometimes you just have to do that. If you are willing to allow the child to do chores to earn the money...tell her. If you dont really want that on the table leave it out. It does sound like she has got to the end of your rope.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is time to stop the extra money. Child support covers all that is required to be given to her mother. Period. You already pay for the extras that the extra money is to fund. That extra money is play money for mom and stepdad, it is NOT going to difficult child. IF they want more, they can go to court. Then you can take school records, records of all you have paid in addition to the extra you were giving her to pay for stuff. Mom does not want cgfg out in the world at all. that has been clear for a long time. This is because something is going on at that house that hse is afraid cgfg will talk about. Don't know what it is, or if it is illegal or would just make her look bad, but that is why cgfg isn't allowed to do things.

    DO NOT SPEAK TO THIS WOMAN. E V E R. At least not without someone who can be an unbiased witness to whatever goes on. If you must speak with her, take a police officer iwth you because you are unsure about how she will react and are afraid she may do something unpredictable or may take it out on cgfg. Seriously.

    Get this whole mess back before the court -the judge or a mediator. She is taking you for a ride. I don't really care if she gets too much of husband's money, except that he sure uses that to not take care of stuff around the house and make you pay for things.

    YOU are the only real parent cgfg has. I know you care for her. I also know your relationship wiht her dad isn't good - and she probably knows it and is scared that soon no one will give a hoot about her. So before your legal chance to help her ends, get this before a mediator and get some stuff fixed for her. Make the mediator give more time, stop the extra play money for mom (no problem if $$ goes to stuff for cgfg, but it just does not, so why pay it. Heck, put that amt in a bank account with YOUR name on it, not cgfgs, but set it aside for her activities. If you put cgfg's name on it, her mom and/or dad can go and get legal access to it. In time, what you don't use for activities can be used to fund college or a car or something.

    When you cut off the extra $$, Gma will make it up to mommy. It is what she does. So let her. Tell mommy that since the extra is for activities, and you can't see that cgfg is in many, you are choosing to use it for something else. Do NOT tell her you are setting an acct up for cgfg. LEt her know that the extras are gone because she would not spend a measly twenty bucks for a few boxes of shells for an activity. You can't see where that extra is going to help cgfg, so you are not going to let it happen.

    If she wants it, she can take husband to court and explain where taht extra has gone, and why she can buy all these things for herself but not clothe her child or use the extra activity money given to her for tutors that cgfg needs for success in school, for activities taht cgfg is doing, and why she won't let cgfg do things. There is a LOT that a court won't like, and any decent atty can get things amended to insist cgfg can do activities. Esp as mommy neglects her education the way she does - judges do NOT like that.

    Don't pay for the shells. Either let gma do it, or let cgfg be a PITA to her mom until mom does it. Mom pulls this stuff because she can - she knows gma or you will pay for it. I would be sorely tempted to tell cgfg some of the things I did to be a PITA until I got what I wanted. Salt in the coffee can or in a bottle of soda is just a beginning. Jelly in shoes is also fun. Gee, how did that get there? I don't even like jelly. Dog poop on your floor mat? how did you track that in there?
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The extra was agreed to in their parenting agreement. If he doesn't pay it, he's not paying I'm not sure that's really an option.

    And I am pretty sure grandma has finally cut some strings. When bio divorced her first husband, they had this house financed, and she kept it, but could not get it refinanced on her own. Mommy and daddy bought it for her, and she's been paying them $100 a month on her "loan". The stipulation was, though, (this is what she told me way back then), if she ever got remarried, she had to refinance the house - they would no longer carry the loan. I think they finally made her follow through on that, and I think she has a "real" house payment now. They took out a mortgage on the house some time back, and we expected some new grand something to show up and it never did. Bio's mommy has also stopped taking cgfg to doctor appointments, leaving bio to do it. So I can't say for certain, but I do think grandma has gained a tad bit of cartilage in her back bone. A wee tad, but more than she had before.

    However, I have no doubt if cgfg tells grandma mom won't pay for her shells that grandma will buy them. I can't imagine grandma not providing for cgfg. But for some reason, I think cgfg isn't SUPPOSED to tell grandma.

    I am stressed about several things today, so its probably not a good day for me to make any decisions, but honestly, right now, I am thinking either pay it and demand more time with cgfg, or getting this in front of someone is our best options.

    And I would love to give cgfg some ideas like that, but even if its justified, it is sooo wrong. I can't make myself.

    Oh, and PS - bio's text to me about whether or not cgfg could be in this activity when I took her to sign up night - "She talked to me and I told her she could. I figure it would do her good, she could learn from someone other than us and maybe it will stick with her more."

    I hate shades of gray, and I hate people who use children. No, kids don't have to be involved in all this extra stuff - they can grow up fine without it. But she did this sort of thing when bio and husband were together, she did it until bio married this guy, half her family continues to do these things, and there's no reason she can't or shouldn't be! (except that its not under mom's control now...)

    And while I'm at it, I hate my ex and his girlfriend today, too. I pity the first one who crosses my path this weekend...
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'd be more than happy to have her do chores to earn the money. I just know her mom won't go for it, so if I say "I'll pay, but you have to come over an extra day and do chores" then I just have to be prepared for cgfg to not be involved in the activity, because her mom won't let her do what she needs for me to pay it. Line in the sand, thing.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Reverse logic? as in... if I'm having to pay for it, then we get her for that evening and will transport as well?
    From the sounds of it, that won't work either...

  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Quite honestly, I think that's one of the better approaches. Her mom's ultimate goal is exclusion from dad as much as legally possible. She won't want us to have that extra time, so most likely she wouldl either buck up and pay for the shells, or just plain forbid her from participating. Unfortunately, its a toss-up which she'd do.

    Have I mentioned I hate dealing with these people??? At least the Brooms are being nice to me (tho I have no idea why - they spent Labor Day weekend telling my future daughter in law all the reasons that I am the anti-christ - so they don't like me - but they're being nice....Scary)
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Exactly. I hate it when none of the consideration is for the kid.
    Its the same situation with Homecoming, too...

  18. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yup, and kid loses.
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Would bio (or grandma) be willing to pay half, even if that isn't the way the agreement currently reads? You could always offer the mediator option if they prefer not to work with you on this, or anything else. Why did your h agree to extra support? Was it a trade-off for something else? in my opinion, it's time for a re-negotiation.
  20. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    The best thing in the world you can ever do, is to be nice to a kid. She will be old enough very soon to see who loved her, looked out for her and cared. She isn't important enough to some, but to you she is important, you care. I think that would be worth every penny tenfold. Personally, I would do it.