Is it Hypersexuality?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by [email protected], Apr 4, 2016.

  1. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    New here and need advice on possible hypersexuality and how we can help our daughter. Sorry this is so long.

    We have 4 kids, 3 bio (18,13 & 2) and a 14yo adopted foster daughter I'll call KD.

    KD came into foster care at the age of 9, though at 6 her mom dropped her off at a children's home for nearly a year. She was with her dad for 2nd grade and her mom for most of 3rd grade. She was placed in foster care with our neighbor at the end of 3rd grade along with one of her 2 older sisters. This is when we met her. It was another 2.5 years before she came to live with us after a failed reunification with bio mom.

    I've only gotten two instance of anything sexual happening with KD. She believes one of her girl cousins and her kissed or touched each other when KD was 7/8 and the cousin was 10/11. Cousin recently denied it to KD. Said she doesn't remember anything like that. This left KD confused about who it is she had this experience with.

    While being fostered at our neighbors my neighbor told me she'd found naked posed pictures of KD on sister's phone. She'd have been 10. Neighbor also told me KD would masterbate while watching TV.

    KD has mentioned recently that she remembers been in bed with bio mom while bio mom had sex. She also watched movies that were inappropriate for young children. Her sisters (now 22 & 24) also had boys over and from the sound of things mom was working or out drinking so there was little adult supervision. Who knows what might have happened.

    Recently KD has had trouble with maintaining appropriate relationships. Every one who befriends her is a potential love interest. Needless to say the friendships (usual girls) do not last long because the friend is simply trying to be a friend.

    When she has a friend who begins to text her the conversations quickly turn sexual. She has lost her texting privileges 5 times now just this scool year. This last time was via a secret (she thought) instagram account. I took her phone completely and indefinitely. I have monitored all her texts and social media since she got her own phone 2 years ago.

    She has been deeply, "I can't live without you" in love 3 times since September. All with people she kniws very little about except how the sexual fantasies and conversations make her feel. One was a female cousin she hasn't seen or spoke to in 7 years.

    She is constantly writing sexual fantasy stories. One recently involved my oldest son (18) another my mom's 63 yo alcoholic fiance.

    Two weeks ago a friend of my other daughter, who recently moved out of town, came to stay spring break with us. The first night here KD and the friend were upstairs alone and KD attempted to kiss the friend without permission. The girls bedrooms are loft type rooms above the livingroom so instead of talking about it the friend text KD about it right after so I immediately knew what had happened.

    This weekend she'd friended a 12yo girl from school on instagram. They actually have PE together yet they have never spoke at school. The conversation started off appropriate until my daughter decided a conversation about potatoes was actual an invitation to talk sexual. I'm still baffled as to how potatoes can be misconstrued as sexual.

    She also recently told another friend, who'd recently text her, that she is constantly sore from masterbating so much.

    She is still a virgin at this point and is not left alone with anyone.

    She's been in therapy for several years buy she shuts down and doesn't talk about anything. This leaves the therapists making suggestions to which KD agrees to some of their ideas just so they get something from her. She's told me she lies to them by agreeing with their ideas this way. I do always fill the therapist in on everything that's going on. I've discussed this sexual stuff with her but she has yet to address it.

    At this point I can't even allow my other daughter to have friends over because KD can't keep her mouth to herself. I also haven't discussed that with my other daughter. I think I'll have KD discuss it with her next time she asks to have a friend over.

    KD also NEVER invites friends over and NEVER wants to go anywher. She has low self esteem. She has cut and talked of suicide. Thinks she can't do anything and is always second guessing herself. She does get good, grades As & Bs, and doesn't get into trouble at school. Though she has expressed how she'd like to be the kid who's always in trouble. Wants to try drugs and she aspires to go to jail. But that is completely opposite of who she is.

    Other than this sex thing she's a wonderful, sweet, caring girl. She is very helpful around the house and I can always count on her to do what she's told/asked with the exception of the texts.

    I worry about getting through the next 5 years of school without her getting pregnant. I worry about her emotional health because she "falls so deeply" in love and has trouble handling the break ups. I want her to get a handle on these feelings now so that she can deal with it easier as an adult.

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have no idea what happened in her sad, troubled life so far but I have adopted and been told that 99 per cent of foster kids have suffered from sexual abuse. The brain protects us from trauma and she may not even consciosly remember but in my opinion it likely happened sometime. She also seems to have possible symptoms of attachment disorder, which makes sense since her life has been so unstable.

    You may want to contact a psychiatrist who is very familiar with adopted kids who have had chaotic lives and multiple caregivers. She will be less apt to fool a professional who often deals with kids with her past. It may be hard to find someone with this experience, its worth the search.

    Wishing you good luck.
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  3. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    Thank you. This is exactly what I've recently been saying I need to do. Problem is I'm having trouble finding one close that takes her insurance (traditional medicaid). I switched her therapist recently and I like her but she mainly suggests I do things I'm already doing. I keep taking her though hoping she'll eventually open up more.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, our kids adopted out of foster care are not the same as infant adoptions or birthchildren. They have been tossed around from person to person, which impedes normal attachment and also puts rhem at high risk for sexual abuse. They may not cosciosly remember, but their subconscious does. Often in girls this can cause cutting, drug abuse and being promiscuous, but the cause is different from kids who lived more stable lives. It isnt YOUR fault at all, hon . You just want to help her.
    My suggestion is to call an actual adoption agency in your area or your daughters ex caseworker or both to ask if there are any specialists around that are familiar with the unique problems of adopted children. I actually found one who only sees adopted kids and their families and he was worth every other therapist I saw...and then some. He was the only one who, in the end, made sense snd helped.
    Let me know what happens. I care a lot and hope you can find somebody who actually understands your child and can help you help her.
    Lots of hugs. Don't be afraid to call for this reason. Everyone I contacted was nice to me, although not everyone knew where to go for help. It only took one.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    [email protected], I agree completely with SWOT. Except for one thing. I know of families of birth children who many years later found out about abuse by neighbors or teachers or family members. Look at the Catholic Church Scandal with priests abusing children who did not disclose this until decades later. They may have tried to blot it outside of their minds.

    None of this seems to be truly volitional on her part. It sounds more compulsive and/or a need to work out trauma, a way to understand what she feels, and who she fears she may be (which is tied to how she was treated. Abandoned, neglected and most likely, abused.)

    I would add one thing. I would very carefully watch your other kids, especially the baby. Not that she will hurt them. But as a way to be responsible to her. She should not have to worry that her impulses which she most likely feel to be out of her control could even potentially hurt those whom she loves.

    Oh how I feel for her.

    I hope you keep posting. It helps. Really. I am glad you are here. I adopted my son too. He had been In a crisis nursery until 22 months, when I met him. Like with you, problems unfolded as he grew up. Like with you, I did not anticipate them. My son is the sweetest and kindest person. I did not anticipate what came to be. It is hard but it is doable. We are doing it.
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2016
  6. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    I am careful in this area. I rarely leave her home when I'm gone. If I do either her sister or her dad is home and she is never with the baby alone. I do not even allow her to bathe him. She does help care for him and I trust her with his safety but no alone time. You're right though. I'd never want to put her in a position where she may regret her actions. Of course she doesn't know I avoid any of these situations on purpose.

    I'm lucky she doesn't want to stay anywhere right now. She's still afraid to sleep at other people's homes and doesn't have any close friends. Her sister (my daughter) has been her only real friend the past 5 years. She has had a friend talk about a sleepover but honestly, in her writings, she has mentioned she doesn't trust herself to attend a sleepover. She has also written that she knows she's not truly in love with any of the people, it's just the idea she's in love with.

    Another thing she's written more than once is how she knows some of the people she has initiated these conversations with only want one thing. She's written that she doesn't care if they use her for sex because "at least I'd feel loved in the moment."

    We absolutely love her and have since we met her. She has always just fit. I'm thankful we can be here for her and just worry about her emotional future. I worry she'll get involved with drugs. I'm worried she'll end up like the family that discarded her. They call it their family curse. Oldest aunt had a baby at 13, that daughter, now grown, adopted KD's nephew. Another aunt has lost custody of her kids to bio dad's because of alcohol but that didn't make the kids lives any better. KD's oldest sister is an addict has been in jail & lost her kid. She's out of jail and lives with bio mom and middle sister with middle sister's bio dad.

    It's so sad to me that none of them stepped in to take her but she's much better off. Even her bio dad wouldn't take her because he was afraid he'd lose his other kids in the end.

    I appreciate your's and SWOT's advice! It's nice to have someone who's been there done that to talk to.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    [email protected], I have a somewhat unique way of looking at things. I think that we as people, all of us, spend our lives working out our stories. At the beginning, none of us really know them. We only think we know.

    Your daughter somewhere inside of her, like SWOT said, has sort of memories, half-memories, or quasi-ideas of why things happened to her and why she feels as she does. I do not think that is in the main different than any other child, or person for that matter.

    There are children who have had normal lives who go off the rails in terms of their sexuality, and adult people too. With help she will learn to understand and learn to understand she has control. I believe that.

    Are there any activities that she likes or in which she may have talent? Like art? Or a sport? Or dance? Also, if she was adopted through a County, and you receive AAP, (Adoption Assistance Monies), you can go back to them and ask them for extra money to provide activities for her (or even extra supervision, if needed) in lieu of these additional needs that have presented themselves.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I adopted and fostered older children. Their issues are different and often much worse and in my opinion a mental health expert familiar with attachment and loss and other common adoption issues would be most helpful to your child for a better life for her. She is not like any other child. Her therapy needs to address her unique experiences. Your daughter, from our experiences, has symptoms of having been sexually abused. It is best in my opinion to check it out. Without doing so you may miss out a chance from stopping her need to act out sexually like she is. Poor thing is only fourteen. I would not try to do this yourself. Or hope it passes. She is not that kid who had a normal life, sadly. If she was abused, it doesnt go away.

    We had one poor little foster boy whose ex foster mom sexually abused him every night with a gun to his head. We were the first people he told about it. Foster care is often abusive which is why we stopped doing it. The kids are not really protected. I feel for your daughter. She us so lucky to have you.

    Please update and take care.
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2016
  9. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    I can hardly get her to do anything. She likes writing [about sex].
    She was in track and was excited to join but then put no effort into it.

    I get the max subsidy every month but the real issue is finding something she'll agree to do.

    She thinks she sucks at everything even before she tries and if she's not perfect at it from the get-go then she quits. She's afraid to try. Afraid people will laugh if she messes up.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This extreme lack of self esteem also can stem from abuse. Also some kids dont like activities. You cant force it.

    Please get her psychiatric help. Do not think you can do this yourself. She had nude pictures of herself on her phone at age ten. Somebody sexually sbused her. It is not your fault, but.this is out of your league. None of us could handle this. I have a daughter who was sexually assaulted at age eight but she didnt tell us until her teens. By then, she was already a mess and using drugs. She was and still is a gifted artist, but refused any activities too. I could make her go, but she refused to participate. Thankfully, she did get therapy and is twelve years off drugs, owns her own home and is a good mother to her baby.

    Good luck.
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  11. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    It was on bio sisters phone. I agree something has happened. I agree she needs psychiatric help. I'm definitely not attempting to do this alone. That's one reason I'm here. Looking for others to talk to who's been through similar. Looking for advise etc.

    Mostly I've received validation which is reassuring.

    Headed to the therapist now and will discuss getting her a psychiatrist.
  12. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I can't really help you much with the behavior. It sounds like she was abused and it sounds like she has boundary issues.

    I thought I would also tell you to try contacting local child abuse advocacy centers, and local rape crisis centers. They may be able to put you in touch with counselors that deal specifically with teens/children.

    With activities maybe you can find something where she could use some creativity without it being a "public" or group thing like a team. Maybe she would like to try something like gardening or cooking? These are also activities that you can do together. Writing is also a good and creative thing, and can be a good outlet, if you can steer her to appropriate subject matter.
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    This sounds a lot like attachment disorder; and what you've said of her background seems to indicate that that, and sexual abuse are likely.

    The big problem is that her behavior puts her at high-risk of becoming involved in future abuse, either as perpetrator, or as victim.

    It sounds as if the only type of love she can understand is sexual, and in a 10 year old, that's very scary.

    I actually feel very sorry for your daughter. That's a horrible way to live. The only thing I can advise is to get her into therapy with a specialist in attachment and sexual abuse issues, and also get the entire family into therapy to help you all deal with this so that you all and your daughter can move forward as a family.
  14. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    She's 14 now and I agree with everything you've said. She is very vulnerable and we are working to do everything we can to help minimize the risks and hopefully help her have a healthy adult life.

    I have pointed out to KD that love does not have to be sexual such as the love between mother and daughter. She agreed and said she'd thought of that too.

    The hardest part is hearing about new friends at school and then the friendships don't last because she crosses the line. The two that have lasted have been for the wrong reason and end when we put a stop to the sex talking. It's not even KD who ends it it's the friend. KD tries to do what we ask and learn about her friends on friend level but they (one guy and one girl) haven't been interested. This clearly isn't helping KD's situation.
  15. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    She is lucky to have you championing for her and giving love and acceptance while keeping a close watch on her. I agree with what others have said. Beyond abuse symptoms, sometimes hypersexuality has a neurochemical origin and a good psychiatrist will know what medications help. Also the increasing hormones in adolescence affect this too. I would try to find a psychiatrist ASAP.
  16. F@ith

    [email protected] New Member

    Thank you.

    She did started her period on her 10th birthday, so I definitely understand how it can be hormone related. It could also be a coping mechanism for depression.

    It's just so very concerning and sad when it's getting in the way of creating any healthy friendships. She can't even have a friend to simply go to the movies with. If anyone did invite her she'd be "in love" and writing sexual fantasies about and to them.

    In her writings to herself she recently wrote how she doesn't understand why she has this sexual need that her sister doesn't have. I know some of it is normal, but she clearly knows there's something different.

    I'm optimistic.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is a huge advantage. If SHE knows it's a problem, and sees it as causing problems for her in having the things in life that she wants, she will be more open to some form of help, be it medication or therapy or both.
  18. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Take every moment you can to tell her that she's in a different family now, and she can choose a different path for her life. Yes, she is hypersexual. I actually think her journaling is probably the best outlet for her. She needs somewhere safe to go with all of these intense feelings. I don't think I'd allow her to have a cell phone as she will most likely use it inappropriately. The world in which we live is saturated with sexual images, and I feel for her trying to negotiate it in a healthy way. I think she has the best chance learning from your family.