It never rains but it pours.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Mar 26, 2016.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member


    THIS is what I put up with:

    Phone rings:
    Me: Hello?
    Son: If you wonder why the dogs are licking the floor so much it's because I just made the parmesan cheese explode!!!
    Me: <laughing> Okay.
    Son: IT'S NOT FUNNY! I was just trying to f-ing fix something to eat! :furious:
    Me: Okay. It's really not that big of a deal. How did you make it explode?
    Son: I shook it up and the lid came off and it went f-ing everywhere!
    Me: Okay. Why are you even calling me to curse and complain. People spill things. It happens.
    Son: I don't. I never make big messes.
    Me: :sigh: Well good for you. I make messes all the time. You clean it up and go on about your day.
    Son: I'm sorry I called you at all! I just wanted to eat something. I'm in a bad mood.
    Me: You've been in a bad mood since you came home.
    Son: I've been in a bad mood since the fire! That's why I'm going to counseling to try to get out of it. Where's the broom?
    Me: Linen cupboard. If you don't get it all it's not a big deal. The dogs will eat it. It's just cheese.
    Son: Fine. Bye.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    I'll trade you.
  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Well, that's the sort of thing I would've b****ed about for a few minutes, swept up after.

    And then, after I'd finished eating, I'd probably have posted the incident to Facebook, laughing at myself all the while.

    Tell your son if he thinks that's bad, he should ask to hear about me and the cornstarch one of these days.
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  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I know!!! Most of you would probably trade me. But it's just....that's how he reacts to spilling dry cheese! THAT is all it takes to send him into a cursing, shouting fit! Imagine how he reacts to actually traumatic things! This is why there's no talking to him.
  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Let's just say that I turned an entire eat-in kitchen white, including a 95lb black and red German Shepherd.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That was pretty much ME, until well into my 20s.
    I lived so close to the edge, all day every day, that the smallest thing threw me over the cliff. Big stuff did, too, but that was more expected. The problem wasn't how big the challenge happened to be. Any additional challenge was too much.

    And yes, I know, life doesn't take that into consideration. Ever. But... it IS an alternate reality, and I have lived it.
  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    The cornstarch mfrs decided about 6 years ago, to no longer package the stuff in the boxes they'd been using for the past 100 years, and instead use plastic jars with those peel-off safety seals.

    In my attempts to peel off the seal, my right hand spazzed out, and the jar went flying, sans seal. I was finding cornstarch in corners when I was doing move-out cleaning years later.

    Gryphon got it because being a bonded GSD, he was ALWAYS at my heels unless (when he got older) he was snoozing on the couch when i was in the kitchen, or when he was in his bed in the bedroom when I was sleeping.
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member exactly do you have a conversation with someone who acts like that? I mean, keeping him freaking CALM is almost impossible and if he goes off on us, we've already said we'll kick him out! I don't want to MAKE that happen!

    To sit him down and say, calmly, "This is how it is...theses are the rules..." leads to (at best), <cue eye roll and aggressive posturing> "I know all this! Do you think I'm so stupid I'd do something to get kicked out? I'm completely helpless here - I have no choices!!!"

    Start out when he's already in a he's been in the last four days... and BOOM!

    I truly don't know how to approach him...though it really needs to be done!

  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I do have to say you have a awesome relationship with your son you can have a conversation from nothing and a fun one.
    wanna see mine with my youngest?

    Me: Hello?
    Me: How are you?
    Me:What are you doing?
    Me:Anything new?
    Son:No nothing

    And that is about all later you find out hes got a second job and bought furniture for his kitchen .Reallu jealous of you now.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think you misunderstood if you thought that was fun. :( I'd rather have him not speak to me at all than be shouted and sworn at by someone who's freaking out over spilled cheese.

    Really jealous of you right now.
  12. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    We each have what the other one wants in our relationship with our children oh well it is what it is:dissapointed2:
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is hard when we reach out to help and end up walking on eggshells. I think this is the piece where things are so screwy. The angst and frustration. It rebounds off each other. Wound up tight. For your son and my two I think it is partly from the needing help, to coming home because it represents failure to launch. I think some kids just don't know how and it just boils inside of them, like a nuclear meltdown. They come home and feel better, but hate it at the same time. Then there is this inability to move. I was like that over the holidays, just numb and paralyzed over this whole conundrum with my two. Just feeling stuck and going through the motions when I had to.
    I can understand how your son feels, trying, then girlfriend flakes, he has this 30 year old man-friend who is mooching off of him (but he is loyal to......ugh) then this fire. It is a pile of :poop:. Yes, a lot brought on by his own choices, but he is young, has issues (don't we all, some more than others) and well, they just don't think like we do.
    So here he is in your home and everyone is walking the eggshell walk. I get it Jab, the same for me, wouldn't be comfortable after being violated by my child. I would want to go around checking things and would lock my wallet in the car. It sucks big time not being able to trust. I have my Hoku back home and don't have any issue with leaving things around.
    I forgot how that feels.
    So how in the heck do you so this?
    This struck a chord with me. Yes, choose your battles.
    I am thinking of a conversation I had with a friend who is a health aide. We are finding out that our Principals think much alike when it comes to our evaluations. We have compared notes, and while we both go beyond the duties of our jobs, our evaluations are always "meets expectations". The boss says "I would mark exceeds, but then I would have to write a report explaining why......"
    My friend and I talked about it and jokingly said that sheesh, if we keep getting meets, why not just do our job, no extras? Why not just work according to how we are being evaluated?

    I bring this up because of Lil's comments that your son keeps remarking how you guys think he is broken.

    When you speak to him make it all positive and about how you know he can do this. Give him an exceeds, with your words. Even if you are used to thinking otherwise. I am remembering the Viktor Frankl Ted Talk......where he stated.......

    "So we have to be idealist in a way because then we wind up at the true, the real ‘is’ and you know who has said this? “If we take man as he is, we make him worse, but if we take man as he should be we make him capable of becoming what he can be.” This was not my flight instructor, this was not me, this was Goethe.

    He said this verbally. And now you will understand why I in one of my writings once said . . . this is the most apt maxim and motto for any psychotherapeutic activity. So if you don’t recognise a young man’s will to meaning, man’s search for meaning, you make him worse, you make him dull, you make him frustrated, you still add and contribute to his frustration.

    While, if you presuppose in this man . . . if in this so-called criminal or juvenile delinquent or drug abuser, and so forth . . . there must be . . . a what do you call it? A spark . . . a spark of search for meaning. Let’s recognize this . . . Let’s presuppose it, and then you will elicit it from him, and you will make him become what he in principle is capable of becoming."

    So that is what you project in the least words possible. It is an expectation, and an affirmation that he is capable, he is not broken.
    If that is his attitude, then there are consequences......hard, but you can bring a horse to water, can't make him drink. This is what you don't want, but he has to not want it for himself.......that is how we all learn, consequences. The earlier on, the better.

    I was thinking too, that if he starts to raise his voice or get angry, assume the yoga teacher voice. Don't get dragged into his tantrum.
    Or, just end the conversation. It may be good just to keep it real short anyways. If he is anything like my two, they are not open to suggestions.

    I say yoga teacher voice, that's what I have to do now with Hubs. He is super agitated and an ornery bear, so I have to create the bubble, not take it personally and put on the yoga voice. It is hard to argue with a calm voiced person. Kind of flat effect. I have to choose my battles with him, too, and walk on eggshells. He is kind of like a sulking two year old, at this point, poor guy.
    I am assuming that your son is like my two, when they do not like how the conversation is going they get antsy and moody. It is hard not to get sucked up into that and have it escalate.

    Stay calm, and carry on. You have control over yourself, not anyone else. Take a deep breath.

    How can anyone argue with a yoga voiced person?:biggrin:

  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The grass is always greener I guess.
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    OMG! And just like that the mood changes.

    He just called again. Perfectly decent mood.

    Wanted me to know that he called Cricket Wireless, where he has an application in, and was told the manager should call him back within the hour. They had one job open back two weeks ago. He put in an application about 4 days after I found that out, better than a week ago. But, maybe he'll get an interview. Maybe not. But...:fingerscrossed:

    If least we know he actually IS looking for work.

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  16. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Under calm circumstances this is me and our son. Token words are said. If Lil is at work and I'm at home he will call her. I find out about all that other stuff when Lil tells me later. While the shouting and cursing is no fun, I'm not totally sure which is worse...anger or indifference?
  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Honey, he has ALWAYS called me, because most often I'm the only one he CAN call. That's why. He's gotten used to me always being the one who answers him. Plus, I'm MUCH more likely to say yes - regardless of the question and much less likely to get angry with him. All that added together, and he talks to me. That's all there is to it.

    And I'd trade you if I could, for just a little while. I would truly love to just be told, "I'm good. Everything's fine." than deal with his every drama.
  18. Tired Mom

    Tired Mom Member

    Me to.. Things I have read in the past seem to indicate that more talkative Difficult Child's have a better long term outcomes.
  19. Completely Disturb

    Completely Disturb Which way do I go!

    I'm hearing you I read your post earlier and i have a son that's no better...
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well that went better than expected.

    Basically I framed it as, "It's not fair to you to not know how long you can stay." and told him that, as long as he didn't do anything to make us toss him out, we intended to let him stay until his new apartment is ready, so he has 3 weeks our so when "he doesn't have to worry about that" and to find a job and get able to pay bills. Of course we DO expect him to get out then, so he needs to not dauddle.

    He took it really well.

    Unfortunately he never got the call back from Cricket, but maybe he'll hear tomorrow. The manager had said he had customers and needed to make a call to another store, but one would think he'd just say, "the job is filled" if he wasn't still needing someone, right? Maybe he just got busy then had to leave. Fingers crossed.