It never rains but it pours.

[GoingNorth]

Lil, have you tried any of the religious charities? I've gotten assistance through Catholic Charities, and I am most certainly not Catholic. There are other religious charities that do not require that one be of their specific faith to receive aid.

 

[Lil]

Lil, have you tried any of the religious charities? I've gotten assistance through Catholic Charities, and I am most certainly not Catholic. There are other religious charities that do not require that one be of their specific faith to receive aid.

It's a local charity run by a coalition of Christian churches who is paying for the two nights. I will tell him to try Catholic Charities. It was actually because I was trying various Christian churches and such that I was doing the calling. I would have given him the names...but I started with my minister and it kind of snowballed.

But in the end, no one will give him enough $ for 3 weeks. He's just got to keep checking the shelter a couple times a day. I'm totally out of places to suggest.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil, this is so hard. Can you "go quiet" for these next two or three days and see what they are going to do?

Keep it very calm, say just a few words, and let the silences stretch out................and out............

Write it down if you have to.

Things like:

I'm sure you will figure something out honey.
I love you, and I hope things work out.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

Stay as quiet as you can, if you can.

That's creating the space and distance so he can have a chance to figure out what might be next.
It is the hardest thing in the world to do, when you are terrified inside and you have called around relentlessly yourself and have no ideas.

But our DCs---and this is a proven truth---are the most resilient, resourceful people in the world. Difficult Child slept for months wrapped in a blanket on a bench and took showers at the day shelter. So...you can survive without a roof over your head at night.

Keep us posted. We know how terribly, terribly hard this is. Hugs.

 

[New Leaf]

Lil, just wanted to let you know I am holding you in my thoughts as you navigate this stuff. We just can't seem to do easy, can we?
Well then, just got to keep trudging up the ole mountain one foot in front the other.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Jabberwockey]

Lil, this is so hard. Can you "go quiet" for these next two or three days and see what they are going to do?

Unfortunately, he has a bad habit of calling her at work. Also, unfortunately, Lil has a hard time not answering the phone calls from him.

 

[Lil]

We did have a fairly quiet couple of days. He bugged me a bit on Friday, but nothing at all yesterday. Today, however, he texted that the shelter is still full and finally asked if the offer to let him come here was still open.

I told him yes. That, of course, there would be rules, but he could stay for a while.

He hasn't said yet. Told us he'd talk to us later.

We shall see.

 

[TheWalrus]

He sounds like mine - would rather be anywhere but in my house, living by my rules. She will exhaust every possibility before being in my house. I am the very, very last resort, and it never goes or ends well. I hate that I can't just open my arms and my doors and give her some help, and know that she will appreciate it, respect me and my house, and that she will take the opportunity to get herself back on her feet. I hate it for you. I hate it for all of us.

I'm glad you had a quiet few days and will be hoping for the best for all of you.

 

[Lil]

Oh I know he doesn't want to have rules. He won't like the ones we set either, though the most "unreasonable" one will be that he have NO guests in our house. His biggest problem I think is we'll only take him, not his buddy. I think if we'd said they could both come, they'd already be here.

I don't know what his buddy will do. If he goes back to his own home and doesn't return, our son will, of course, blame us for the loss of his friend.

We still have things to decide if he comes back. How long, etc., he'll be allowed to stay. Hopefully he'll rather quickly find work and be out by May when the new apartment comes available.

 

[pasajes4]

Put everything in writing. He gets a copy you get a copy.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I understand what you're saying Pasa but this is completely useless for our son. Its not that he doesn't know or understand the rules, its that he thinks there can be exceptions that he gets to initiate. You know, like if he isn't allowed to have friends over but when we get home they are passed out in his room and his response was "They just stopped by for a minute!". Or the ever popular ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE! In his mind "But it was raining really hard" makes it ok.

 

[pasajes4]

I understand what you're saying Pasa but this is completely useless for our son. Its not that he doesn't know or understand the rules, its that he thinks there can be exceptions that he gets to initiate. You know, like if he

I do understand. Mine is the same way. I think That spelling out the rules and writing them down is for my benefit. My son would go so far as to say that he "thought" it only applied to when I was home. Hopefully yours will decide that "friendship" and loyalty are more important than a roof over his head.

 

[Lil]

Hopefully yours will decide that "friendship" and loyalty are more important than a roof over his head.

I must admit, I'm torn over this.

On one hand, I do want to help our son and I hope that, as he'd been working and paying rent, he can get a job and move back out quickly and "launch" this time, as it were. The down side to him coming back...well there's several. #1, he may go back to just being lazy and not look for work. #2, we may be right back to the "it's too hard to job hunt without a car" with the car that was intended to be his sitting right there. #3, he'll try to make us feel bad about his buddy - and I'm soft-hearted enough I already feel bad...I just don't want to deal with it.

On the other hand, if he doesn't come back and he's homeless and on the street, what good does that do anyone? He'll have a much harder time job hunting. I'll be miserable worrying about him.

I'm praying that someone got booted out of the shelter last night.

 

[Lil]

I'm praying that someone got booted out of the shelter last night

Yeah...that didn't happen. Just called and asked.

Which I guess is what I get for wishing misfortune on a stranger.

In a bit of irony - it's raining today.

They'll be leaving the hotel, homeless, in the rain.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I stopped watching the news because hearing about the plight of so many sad people all over the world broke my heart. Well, thats ONE reason
Lil, you want to save everyone too...but we cant. It really doesn't sound like this thirty year old man is good for your son. A good, positive, loving friend is a precious commodity (and hard to find). This man sounds like he may just be using your son to piggyback from the perks your son gets from you.
Friends are important. Real friends that are kind give and take people. People who
do not want to intrude, at age thirty, on families of other people. Lil, you can't take in every homeless adult out there. Dealing with your own son is challenging enough.
It is this "friends" decision not to work or be productive and he is already at an age where there is no excuse.
I hope you find peace with whatever yoh decide to do.

 

[Lil]

It is this "friends" decision not to work or be productive and he is already at an age where there is no excuse.

I know. I keep telling myself that over and over.

He's not my problem.

He's been here since February and if he had been working he and our son could have had money in the bank to tied them over.

He chose not to work.

He has family - have THEY sent him $300 for a hotel? Have they done anything?

He's a GROWN MAN - about 30! I work with LAWYERS who are that age! At 30 you should have a job, a car, credit cards, maybe even a mortgage for God's sake!

At 30 I will NOT be supporting my son! Sure, I may still be willing to lend him a hand in an emergency - like a fire - aaannnddd that's where my backbone starts buckling.

But I try my best to brace it up with the fact that, had he come here in February and gotten a job - if he'd been working all along and helping my son and his girlfriend pay the bills - Jabber and I would likely have felt very differently about him.

 

[BusynMember]

Exactly, lil. He hasnr helped. By age 30, most adults are independent and have been for a bit. They are usually gainfully employed and grown up. By 30...they may never launch. Thebolder they get still not functioning on their own, the less chance they ever will. Bad example for your son!

I dont blame his family for cutting off his money. He sure doesnt seem to want to live an acceptable mature life.

 

[Lil]

Well, the call has come and I'm about to go on my way to get my son and take him to our house. It's a little nerve wracking to say the least. At least the buddy found some woman friend to stay with, so he's not an issue.

Wish us luck my friends.

 

[BusynMember]

I wish you tons of luck. Glad about the other guy. Seems like he's very familiar with how to find places to stay and people to mooch off. This is his life choice...existing by using others...and I'm glad that this time that person is not you.

Hope things go well with your son. Crossing fingers, toes, eyes etc.

 

[Jabberwockey]

and I'm glad that this time that person is not you.

Thanks SWOT but nothing to be glad about. Wasn't going to happen. Lil might be a soft touch but she also knows that if I were to come home tonight and find him there, I'd blow a gasket and kick him out. Not concerned about that happening though.

 

[Lil]

Well, it's done. Son is collected and ensconced on our couch. He's verbalized that he has no intention of doing anything that would get him kicked out.

There was a minor "issue" was about smoking, when I told him that "not in the house" included the garage and I didn't care if it was hailing outside. "But what if I leave the garage door open?" NO!

My one "concern" thus far was when I picked up a 2-liter of soda at his request and then he told me it was a whisky mixer. We had a "discussion" about drinking. We can't say he's never seen us drink; he has. But he also can't say that we ever drink to excess or even have more than one in a blue moon; we don't. He is 21. He hasn't had an issue with liquor yet to our knowledge. If the 2 liter disappears very fast...well we'll worry then I guess.

One somewhat positive note was when he asked where the closest bus stop was and, when it's further than I thought, his remark was "Well that's what I have to do". Of course, he also mentioned the car...but that he didn't think he'd be in our good graces enough to let him use it. So the hint was there...but no real expectation.

He hopes to find assistance with the 1st months rent and that is a possibility through a couple of charities. He also hopes to get a job and out by May. We hope so too.