Ju Ju, prayers, good thoughts requested for my difficult child.........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child stopped by last night to bring me flowers for my birthday, it was very thoughtful. She looked gaunt and tired and very thin. She told me she has (finally) been evicted and has to leave in 3 days. Her car needs work. You know, kind of the usual stuff difficult child's present you with.

    She told me that the reason I haven't seen or heard much from her is that she wants to keep all her "drama" out of my life because she knows it stresses me out. Interesting. It's working, I am not stressed out and I would rather not know.

    She said she wants to get out of this crazy life and get a job and have some stability. I hope that's true.

    *I am not taking any action, however, I thought perhaps you might say a prayer, rattle a bead or hold a good thought for her now.

    *Thank you, I appreciate your support, as always.
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Prayers and best wishes that she is finally seeing the light...
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I am the same - there is nothing I can do and the problems they have seem to be the same ones over and over. I hope she is able to find some stability in her life. Since she is realizing that the 'crazy life' is the cause of a lot of her problems maybe she will try to change it.

    My nephew (in CA) is 'Downes' and he is able to live in an apartment building for special needs - very nice and the counselors even plan cookouts for them - they go on cruises, Disney, parties, he has a better social life than I ever had. California offers so much more than most states, it's out there if she'll try.

    It was so sweet for her to remember your birthday and bring flowers. There is always hope...............
    (((prayers and best wishes)))
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I am sending every single good vibe I have in me! I hope things work out for her! I will continue to include her in my nightly prayers RE!
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    That is very sad, RE. Of course I'll keep her in my prayers.
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    A prayer for your daughter, and a prayer for you, Recovering.

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Prayers that your difficult child really puts her best self out there for the world to enjoy!
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    I agree, that was VERY sweet of your daughter to bring you flowers on your birthday.
    I am also so glad to hear she is tired of living like she has been and wants a change.

    Your words..."I am not taking any action"...are very telling. You truly have let go and sound like you are in a good place of "acceptance". Good for you RE and for your daughter.
    I will keep you both in my prayers.
    There is hope.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You can count on my warmest thoughts and wishes. Fingers crossed that she will be able to take action soon. Hugs DDD
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Thinking of you so often this morning, Recovering.

  11. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Prayers and positive vibes being sent for her
  12. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Do you think it's the quiet before the storm, Recovering?

    And I know I'm being too nosy, but do you think she was thin and haggard-looking due to meth? (I always made difficult child son show me his teeth when he was using. He swore up and down he wasn't doing meth. It must have been true. He still has all his teeth, still looks handsome.)

    Maybe she just needed to see you, needed to see someone who loved her.

    Such a vulnerable feeling for us, though.

    I know you have probably been through all this, but husband and I remind one another that our plan is that no one gets anything unless they have a workable plan that they are already working, and the amount is limited. Still, it's disconcerting that she should come to your home talking about wanting to change.

    If you don't mind talking about it, how is your granddaughter taking all this?

  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you everyone. It so helps to put this stuff on a page and then have others, who've lived in the fox hole along side of me, respond with a deep understanding, I so appreciate that.

    Well Cedar, you've hit the nail right on the head. I think along those lines too. Is this the calm before the storm? I just don't know. Is this the step into living in her car, onto the streets, out of a real home, where it would be a matter of time before the cops (who now know her because of her arrest record about a year and a half ago) would find her and off to jail she would go for vagrancy. I have no idea how this will play out.

    No she isn't a meth addict, she has always been thin and being gaunt and haggard looking goes along with her exhausting life choices. Everything is a drama. You just can't keep that up as she has..........and she will be 41 in December. She also smokes so that makes you have that kind of gray look sometimes. She is very pretty still, however, my belief is that she is just wearing out from her own life.

    Cedar, you can ask me anything you like, I am usually thinking right along the same lines..........you and I are simpatico, we have daughter's about the same age who are forcing us to make some often devastating choices and yet at the same time, we are walking out of the snake pit, feeling mostly liberated.

    But, there are still moments.............

    After she left on my birthday eve, I thought about her a lot for about 24 hours. Should I pay for her battery which is leaking? That was really the only material thing I would give to her. After the 24 hours I started once again realizing that she manages to pay her cell phone and her car insurance each month..... and she just forked over $500 to her storage unit about a week or so ago. I have no idea how she is paying for any of it. But, she does have a lot of stuff she has collected and I know in the past she has sold jewelry and items with some worth. And she does have odd jobs. Who knows?

    As a mom seeing her look so thin made me want to cook her a good meal, one of her favorites. But, I said nothing. I emailed her the name of the Social Worker from NAMI who said he could help her. I've done that quite a few times. She's never called him. I called a prayer line to pray for her for 30 days and I asked you guys to say a prayer or hold good thoughts. That's all I did. As you have Cedar, as many of us have, I've learned where my boundaries are. It is still sad though. It usually takes me about 24 hours to get myself back on an even keel. Still so much better then when my whole life or huge parts of my life were dictated by the moves she was making or not making.

    I have worked on my own fears about 'what if she goes to jail?' what if she lives on the streets?' what if she prostitutes herself?' "what if she dies?' All pretty bad. But, if/when any of that happens, I'll, of course, have to show up and deal with it then. I feel like I had to face the worst case scenario at various points because it looked like a possible outcome. I don't dwell on that stuff though, otherwise I would just be stuck in the what if's and we all know how much that sucks.

    But, for this moment? I'm okay. I don't know anything and I'm not asking either. At some point she'll surface. Months ago she told me she was evicted and I worried and worried and the next time I saw her she said, "Oh, no that didn't happen, I'm fine." That taught me yet again that I had wasted a part of my life worrying about something that never materialized. And in addition, she was out in the world, enjoying herself while I sat in all my fears.

    It is what it is. She is who she is. I can't do a darn thing about it. I still hope I will get a phone call with her saying, "Mom I found a cool place to live." or "Mom, I got a really good job." or "Mom, I realized I need help and I've gone to a therapist who is really helping me." In the absence of any of that, what I do have is empty space to live my own life and a heart which so loves my daughter............but a mind that tells me that I am powerless to shift anything for her..............

    My granddaughter? She actually learned detachment awhile ago. She was the one telling me to let go. She has somehow managed to be very disconnected from her mother. She has often said that I've been there for her, her whole life and now she considers my SO and I her 'parents' in almost every way. We feel that way too...... she is having a really great life right now...........a Senior.........she has a therapist she sees every other week who she loves and can talk to about teen stuff............she has 3 really good girl friends she hangs with a lot.......she is planning her college experience.............and we just decided to send her on her Senior trip in June which is to London, Paris, Munich and Zurich..........everyone says she is a well adjusted, healthy, bright kid with a great future. I am very proud of her. Thankfully, she is just fine.

    I guess we all managed to get free of my daughter's life...........
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2013