Just need to talk.....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Feb 14, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    It's been 5 weeks since husband died. I chose to skip our family's annual cook off this weekend. I thought that at first I'd take the tweedles to a cabin over this long weekend ~ couldn't get the help. I then thought I'd take kt & wm out to lunch & a movie today. Couldn't get the help.

    Somehow I need to physically get as strong as I can so I can deal with the demands on my time ~ on my mind.

    Over the last week, I've felt myself get progressively weaker - losing feeling in my extremeties. I'm exhausted ~ I'm sure it's the stress of the last 2 months (8 years????).

    I have this dumb :censored2: threat hanging over me by the county - pushed by the sd to have kt pulled from my home because of her major school refusal. Part of me says....have at it. Let me know how it works. Part of me is devastated as I feel as I'm failing as a parent. SD keeps overstepping their boundaries by asking about my health, my cognitive abilities, my memory issues. Should I tell them I'm going in for a neuro psycho test? Nah! ;) It's none of their business

    I no longer have the energy; the interest in continuing the non stop fight/advocation on behalf of kt & wm. They have sapped me of all strength; husband didn't help the situation.

    I'm depressed beyond reason - stop the world, I want off.

    Just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member


    I am sorry your plans for the kids this weekend did not work out.

    It sounds like you need a break but not by having KT taken out of the house by the county. You are a GREAT mom!

    The county and SD need to focus more on KT's needs and provide the services she needs to STAY in the home and succeed at school.

    The number one goal should always be to keep the children with their mom. You are a great mom! The county should recognized the effort you are putting into both your kids and step up to HELP not HINDER.

    Focus on yourself as much as possible. Are you eating healthy? Have you been painting as much as you would like? You really need to find your new foundation for your own life. It is super hard to do with KT's school refusal. It would help you so much if she could be in school during the days so that you can do some personal things to get a hold of your new situation.

    Hang in there. You are a very strong person. You can continue taking care of KT and WM while healing yourself.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi, TL! I can't answer all your questions but I will suggest that you take it easy on yourself. I know it's hard and you're feeling a lot of pressure, but sd's and county people will just trample on us sometimes and use the things we care about most to get us to do what they want.

    1st, you are still dealing with your H's death, and that's a process of it's own. You have your own health and issues you have been trying to contend with too. On top of that, now you are suddenly a single parent of 2 difficult child's with even more difficult child issues than typical difficult child's. That's more than anyone could adjust to quickly. It might take a year to get a grip on this- as long as you are hanging in there and caring for the tweedles, I doubt anyone can find any solid ground to remove a tweedle.

    I personally think that as long as you are moving in the right direction, if DSS shows up at your door and you explain all you are dealing with, they should leave admiring you, not blaming you, and certainly not taking one or both of the kids. You're probably aware, some sd's will try to keep the focus on home life and parenting rather than take responsibility for helping to accommodate a child at school. You can't be expected to have a good grip on all these adjustments in this amount of time. If it seemed like you did, it would look suspicious, in my humble opinion.

    You're doing a great job. Keep hanging in there. I hope you can choose a couple of friends or family members or tdocs and just let them know- you need some more help for a while to get things in order with the tweedles and your home. The sd can't run everything- it will be ok.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending gentle hugs. I agree that with all you have done that the county people should be amazed - I seriously doubt many parents could accomplish 1/2 of what you have accomplished. I KNOW I couldn't.

    Isn't it to be expected for kt to have major school refusal? Her dad just DIED. She has so many problems already, and to have to face that loss and go to school anyway? Sounds like an overwhelming expectation.

    Why are they not offering in-home or on-line schooling for her? I would think THAT would be FAR more productive (and cheaper) than having her taken from the home, complete unravel, and end up in a dissociative state in a hospital for the next X years.

    Gee, taking her away from you makes a LOT of sense - NOT!

    As for your extremities, if your body wasn't reacting to this loss and stress, again, I would be surprised. Our bodies always get worse when we experience times of stress, esp as much stress as you have.

    Do what you can, pamper yourself, eat healthy, and do what the docs tell you to. Know that we love you and you have ALL of us to stand up for you as witnesses to what an awesome parent you are, how much you love those kids, and how much you and kt and wm need each other.

    Love you!
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Linda....you fail as a parent???? Never. Not. Even. Close. You have climbed the Mt Everest of parenting. I remember from the beginning with the tweedles.......and I doubt one person who dares sits in "judgement" of your parenting could hope to acheive a third of what you did with husband's help.

    Of course you're mentally and physically and emotionally drained, on top of health issues you just lost your husband. Good grief, what do these people expect? And as for kt bug refusing school?? A normal reaction to the death of a parent. I know cuz I did the same when my grandma who raised me passed away.

    School needs to get their nose back into school business and out of your private life. PERIOD. Kt is not neglected/abused. She is a child with very special needs who just lost a parent unexpectedly. Of course the child is going to have issues. OMG I want to smack someone............may I please come and smack them for you???

    Why aren't they offering a tutor or online classes with an aide, you know, a real solution to the situation instead of making it worse. Cuz I'm sure that being removed from the home where she feels loved and wanted and needed is really going to make kt bug want to go to school. ARGH!!!!

    Stupid people make me crazy. Sorry.

    Like Susie said, pamper yourself when the opportunity arises. Make sure you're eating 3 healthy meals a day, and try to rest when you can. You are doing your best. It's all anyone can ask. And you're best is pretty damn awesome.

    We love you. We are always behind you, beside you, where every you need us to be.

  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Linda, Since I am not in any condition to answer you tonight, I'm going to just say that you need to take some time to try and get over all that has happened. I went out tonight and had wayyyyy too much to drink. I still am working on all the issues in my family. My children are now all adults. And yet, there are so many similarities. Take it slow. Be careful. Don't let anyone else tell you what is right for you and yours.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    You are the best ~ I've felt so very lost since husband died. Even though we had our issues I now understand the last 6 months of his instability were due to his illness. His liver was no longer filtering - his brain was being destroyed. I'm amazed at how functional he was at work.

    The night he entered the hospital he called me to take him to the ER with-o telling me what was going on. I refused because I can't drive at night (my night vision is zilch right now). I told husband if he was here I'd be calling an ambulance if he was that bad off. I'll never forgive myself even though I didn't have other options. He went via ambulance & by the time I arrived the next day he was in a coma. I never again spoke with husband ~ he couldn't respond. I stood by his bedside & let him know how much he was loved, played his favorite music & read from his favorite books.

    AND I'm angry that he chose to continue drinking after all was said & done. I remember how terrified he was that I would die & leave him here alone. That's when we began discussing our wishes for end of life situations. husband moved out of the house to blow out what was remaining of his liver (I didn't even know he was sick, he didn't share) - he committed suicide. And he was sicker a lot longer than he let on.....never told me. Never went to the doctor. AND I'm so angry that he threw away years of marriage; years of watching his children grow & become adults. All the dreams that we built became paranoid ideations. I remember being glad when he moved out....I thought we needed the seperation, the time to clear our minds & decide the next steps. husband agreed to counseling & rehab. husband was one of the most tormented men you'd ever met yet he had a wicked sense of humor, a musical bent, a way with words (he was an incredible writer) & a goofy sense of style.

    I was proud of our marriage - of the good, bad & indifferent. We survived many of the bad issues. I have pictures in the picture memorial that show so many of the good times & sides of husband.

    I want those back. I want husband back. I hate this. The rug was pulled out from under my family by a member of my family.

    I know life isn't fair but this bites the big one.

    Am I eathing? When I remember. Sleeping comes & goes. As the prednisone is being decreased the swelling in my brain increases. The headaches are beyond belief. Yet I function every day to meet my obligations. No one can say I'm a bad parent - a bad wife. I'll admit to the bad housekeeper.

    I feel as though I'm dying inside - this has to stop.

    I'm done rambling. I'm off to do something other than whine. I doubt I'll be able to wake kt up in time for mass. Wish I could let this 14 y/o infant home alone - just once.
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2009
  8. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I can't imagine someone going through what your family has endured and NOT struggling.

    Linda, I'm adding my gentle hugs.
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda honey, listen. Certainly you could stop the world from turning and step off if your choose.

    Life is about choices.

    husband made the choice to drink. Was he an addict? Of course. It does not remove the responsibility he had in the outcome of his life.

    Could you have answered his call to drive him to the hospital. Yes.

    What would have happened had you lost control of the car on some ice on the way home?

    What would happen to kt and wm if you were not there?

    What would they have done if both parents had passed within days or weeks of each other?

    What will happen to them know if you step off?

    Linda, the choice to keep moving forward is yours. You don't have to like it, you don't have to do it anyone else's way but your own, but you do need to keep going.

    You don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks about your ability to parent your children or your health. It's none of their business.

    You can't turn the world in the opposite direction like superman did. You can't change what happened in the past or what choices husband made to turn off being a husband and a father, you can't take back the hurtful words he said to your daughter, you can't wish your illness away.

    If a painting doesn't come out like you anticipated, you get angry, you ball up the paper, and you start over.

    You don't throw out your blank paper and your paints and scetching pencils. You sigh deeply and do what gives you release and pleasure.

    It's the same way with life and responsibilities. Sometimes you are going to be overwhelmed, in tremendous pain, filled with hopelessness, and railing at the world.

    But you are still feeling and you still love your children (and Sally the wonder dog).

    They need you.

    At times you wish they didn't.

    But they do.

    You will make the choices that benefit your children. You always have. You will make them alone. But that's what life is now.

    Your legacy is the unfailing, unwavering, loving way you have dealt while facing odds that would have brought most to their knees.

    You are a heck of a strong woman. Don't forget it.

    With love,
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Hugs, dear. You are in mourning. Except that and except the help that is on your doorstep. You have thousands of friends that would gladly listen.




    Don't hate yourself.

  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    For arguments sake, let's say that you HAD driven him to the hospital. Surely on the way or once you got there, you would have learned why he needed to go. You would have been face to face with him, extremely angry, hurt and scared. Do you honestly think you would have only said things that you wouldn't have felt guilty about later? I have gotten the impression during my time here that you are a more calm and patient person than I am (TRUST me on this one) but I can't see you being in that situation and not expressing your feelings. Had he lived, the two of you would have been able to talk and, if needed on your part, apologize for the delivery of things said. I say delivery because I highly doubt that anything you would have said would not have been true. Do I understand your guilt? Of course! But....as you yourself said, you did the exact same thing you would have done if he was still living at home because of your situation. Granted, you didn't know the issues at hand with him at that time but who is to say you would have known if he hadn't moved out? Again, as you said, he was excellent at hiding it.

    He was sick and not just from his liver. His addiction, embraced by him or not, was bigger than he was. I know logic doesn't help that heart but....when dealing with addicted difficult child's here, what are the two biggest points of advice given? Non-enabling and detachment. That's what you did and I know you are angry and devasted and hurt and have every right to be but you did nothing wrong. We all know that you can't make someone help themselves if they don't want to. The eventual outcome may be horrible or not what we would like but it is just not possible.

    Linda, you did the best you could with what you knew. Be angry at husband for not telling you what was going on but please don't beat yourself up with what if/should have/could have/would have. Make extra "therapy" copies of a photo of him and beat THOSE up. Yell, cuss, scream at him, tell him you love him, you miss him and he was a dork for doing this to himself and his family but go easy on yourself. Bad as it sounds, this is on him.

    As others have said, this is a process. It's only been 5 weeks. The mom in you has soldiered on because of the Tweedles but the wife in you is still in shock. I saw a picture once of my Grandma from back in the 50's. She was married, had three kids, the youngest only a few weeks old. Then her husband (my bio grandpa actually) was killed in a boiler explosion. The picture I saw was from months later. She was dressed nicely, hair done, makeup perfect and she was smiling somewhat at the camera. She went on with life because of my dad, uncle and aunt but you could still see it in her eyes. She did what she had to do for her kids and grieved how she could for herself. I don't want you to think I'm saying you'll be in this place for ages....I'm not. I guess I'm just trying to say that you can do this. You may have to compartmentalize your feelings because of the Tweedles and deal with the different compartments on your own schedule, but you'll get there.

    Do what you need to do for the kidlets but be sure to do what you need to do for you! We're here whenever you need us.

  12. ML

    ML Guest

    I just want to encourage you to take it one day at a time. You have come through many years of battle, recent trauma and a huge loss to grieve. Be gentle on yourself and know you are doing everything you possibly can. I hope I don't overstep boundaries by suggesting to give it over to your higher power (you can tell I'm a 12 stepper here).

    My prayers and caring are with you and your family during this difficult time.


  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    The only thing I would add to the above is not only are you now doing everything you possibly can...but in the past you also always did everything you possibly could.

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Another thought about this, Linda. My dad died when I was young and shortly afterwards, people questioned if my mother would be able to take care of me by herself. I can tell you that no matter what she had done, nothing would have been worse than being taken away from her when I still hadn't gone through my processes of losing losing my father. And, when my bro filed for custody a couple of years ago, tdocs and psychiatrists were saying (and put in writing) that when a child only has one good parent in their life and they are working to deal with their feelings about the absent one, the last thing anyone should do is to remove the one good parent from the child's life.

    in my humble opinion, who ever is "threatening" you with removing a tweedle is just trying to manipulate you- they sure aren't thinking about what is in the tweedles' best interests.
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Linda, In all things you have always done the best you could at the time. You know this, we who know you also know this. You were there for your husband. And he knew you were there. It is documented that the sence of hearing is the last thing to go. I have a story that proves this for me and I'd like to share it with you.

    My son used to go to speach and Occupational Therapist (OT) and PT therapy at the State hospital. The appointment right behind his was a woman who had a severe stroke and was not cognitive at all (or so everyone thought). She would be wheeled down early for her appointment and left on a gurney in the hallway. My little boy age 4 would go up to her and talk to her every appointment day (three days a week). This went on for months. We went away on vacation for a month and she woke up when we were away. When we came back she was sitting up in a wheelchair and her face lit up when my easy child walked in. When she could finally talk again, she said "there's my little angel and then proceeded to tell us that she had heard him talking to her when she could not respond and wanted him to know that she appreciated every word he had spoken.

    Linda your husband knew you cared, he would not have called you if he didn't. He also knew that you were there at his bedside and he heard what you said to him. He was confident that you would advocate for him. He believed in you and he wanted you by his side; that is why he called you. Know that and believe in his belief in you.
    And forgive yourself for being human. ((((HUGS))) -RM
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2009
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sharon and Mstang have written exactly what I was thinking.

    And I agree with-RM, that your husband knew you still cared or he wouldn't have called you. You made the only logical choice not to drive him, because of your eyesight.

    You are grieving and armchair quarterbacking and part of that transition and loss is a sense of guilt. Over time, I hope you can let it go. You do not deserve to be saddled with it.
    Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
    I wish I could be there in person to give you a hug.
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The others have all said so well the things I have been thinking. You have been through so much in such a short period of time. I wish I could be there to help you out with the day to day stuff. Know that you and the Tweedles remain in my daily prayers. Gentle hugs to you my friend.
  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Linda, I am weeping with you & for you right now. I know how horrible you feel. I would do anything so that no other human being would ever have to endure what you are go through.

    Everyone has given great advice. I actually have none. I am still grieving my sisters death a year later, so that does not actually make me an expert. In fact, it questions my ability to process this whole thing successfully. I think death is compounded by our difficult children. They are always in there creating chaos, and distracting us from being able to focus on processing & on what we need to do to get healthy.

    I can say, as you probably already know from losing your mom, that death & grief are cyclical. The time periods I can go without a pang of pain about H., are longer and longer. Sometimes weeks. I completely freeze when things are going horribly with Matthew though, and I forget anything in my current life - which in my opinion hinders the process of healing.

    On top of everything you have your own physical health, which is taking it's toll. Is KT still able to do respite? Can she do that for more extended periods of time?

    How long did husband know he had liver disease? Did you even know until it was too late? It is like having cancer and not telling anyone.

    husband did hear you say good bye though. He knew and heard you as you read to him, and talked to him. He knew you said good bye, and that you loved him very, very much. Whether he was able to answer, he knew.

    Many, many hugs and prayers being sent your way. You are in my thoughts every day.
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Linda, I am in awe of the strength and dignity you've shown through this incredibly difficult time. I feel blessed to know you. I have no other words of wisdom or suggestions, but please know that I am thinking of you and the tweedles and am keeping you all in my prayers.
  20. Linda,

    You are an incrediblely awesome person and you are in my daily thoughts and prayers.
    I think that it is important for you to enter a "no judgement" zone regarding yourself right now. "If only" thinking is not productive. I made that pact with myself in the weeks and months after our difficult child was in his accident. It was the only way to survive.

    I think you have done all that you can given the circumstances that have been given to you; and I know that everyone else agrees. You can only take it one step at a time, and don't get ahead of yourself.

    Is it possible to get more respite care for kt? I think it would be most helpful right now!

    Sending many gentle hugs your way!