Just needed to put it in black and white...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by everywoman, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I can't believe I find myself here in this place again in my life. From the outside, everyone in my small town would tell you I have the perfect life. I am a highly respected educator; I have 3 beautiful children who are grown, I am a grandmother; I own a beautiful home; I drive a little sports car, My husband is the nicest guy you could ever meet. The problem is he is also a drug addict.

    He first went to detox and rehab six years ago. At the time, I knew he was using but had not proof. By the time I did have hard proof I was $25,000 in debt and 3 months behind on all payments. He went to detox and rehab for 3 months, while I stayed here and worked and took care of children (13, 14, 19).

    I really thought he had been clean since. He revealed to me 5 days ago that he was using and he needed to go to detox again. I am crushed. I have been supportive and loving for years. I have not been an enabler. He was able to hide his drug use and has deceived me for 2 years---the whole time touting his sobriety.

    He has called every night from detox. He is trying to get well. There is no doubt in my mind that he regrets what he's done. I know he loves me and the children.

    I feel guilty for not wanting to be a part of his recovery this time. I just don't know if I have it in me to continue this life. I am tired of being lied to and feeling like the issues in our relationship with him are because of me when in reality I know they are not. If I decide to end 22 years of marriage, what then? :whiteflag: If he continues to self-destruct, will I be blamed? Would the guilt eat me alive? Would my children be devastated? If I stay I know I will never trust him again. God, I hate addiction?:faint:
  2. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Been there done that. It is so hard. for me it was about the manipulation. I am a straight forward person. I did not agree to agree to being deceived and cheated. for me it was not about forgiving him...again...for telling me whatever so that I would live in fairytale land all by myself as that was safe for him.
    It is ok to say NO. it is. I do not want to live like that. if I am going to be alone then let me be alone alone. Not alone with the makebelieve world taking up my right now.
    Cyber hanky. Let the dream burst and find your happiness. You had a perfict life befor that and for you nothing is changed. You are not the problem
    He can work out his problem, or not.
    Let it be about him. Let him do what ever he has to do. Let him do that and then whenever he gets around to contacting you about that future whenever he is either got what it will take to dig himself out the hole he dug around you or he is down for the count.
    If he had said you know honey, we have a great life and I am being a drug addict too. would you have said gee honey, thats ok here spend our savings and so forth on yourself?
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Addiction is an ugly thing, a monster who steals from us the person we love.

    If you haven't already, al-anon is a good way to sort out how you feel as well as a good support for you.

    When it's all said and done though, you have to do what is best for you.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Maybe you should join that group Alanon? I think that's the group for relatives of addicts. Not that there isn't plenty of support here, because you have all of our support, but I think being with a group of people that share this specific pain that you are dealing with might help you to figure out how you are going to deal with this.

    I don't blame you for feeling terribly angry and betrayed by him, but give this time before you make any major decisions about ending or not ending your marriage.

    Does the detox center have counseling for family members?
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    (((((EW))))) I am so sorry that you are dealing with the ugly monster of active addiction once again. There are no easy answers especially when your relationship is so long standing. I also suggest you talk to a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings and desires and the compromises you are willing to make. No it won't be your fault if your husband continues in a downward spiral should you decide you have had enough. It would be his choice not yours. Would your leaving make him feel sorry for himself and would he and others blame you? Possibly but it also could be the thing that gets him to beat his addiction once and for all. Which direction he takes is his decision. -RM
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{ew}}} I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

    I'm sorry that you're faced with these questions and doubts about H and your marriage. I can related to not wanting anything to do with his recovery. It is his recovery after all.

    However, you also have some recovering to do for yourself and I suppose that is where Al-Anon comes in; or some other group or setting that you're comfortable in.

    I hope you can find the support and necessary feedback to help you make some difficult choices for yourself and H. Hugs~
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    I know others have already said it but I have to say it too. Alanon. It helps you take the focus off him and his recovery and focus on yours. Being in a dyfunctional relationship, you pretty much lose sense of serenity. You don't have to make any decisions today. You don't have to be part of his recovery, just yours. It is NOT your fault: you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't control it.

    If there is anything I can do, I'm here for you.


  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Addiction has destroyed many families. My husband and I live a life that we never anticipated and our years of upper middle class living are a memory.

    I have never lived with an addicted spouse. I have never lived with the reality that someone I loved blatantly lied to me. I have, however, opted for a divorce and lived for over six years as a single parent. Please note that I did not "love" my husband and I surely did not "respect" him and I do not regret that choice in my life. That choice effected me and my three children more than I ever anticipated.

    on the other hand, I would suggest that you need to find an independent qualified therapist where you can vent and explore your pain. I would bet my bottom dollar that you are hesitant to speak freely in a more public forum due to your career and status in the community. If you subsequently feel stronger then you can participate in Rehab group or Al-Anon or whatever.

    Strongly I recommend that you not even think about divorce at this point in your life. It is premature. Your thoughts are leading you to think that you can feel better if you chop off your connection. It is not that simple. Your grown children will feel your decision in a deeper way than you can imagine. It is a huge life altering decision that should not be considered for a long time. Take care of todays pain today. There are alot of tomorrows. Hugs. DDD
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Ladies, I have not and will not make any major decisions. Won't for a while. I just need to vent. Can't do it here at home with the kids. Can't do it to husband's sister. So, I put it here, where no one will judge me for the feelings and thoughts that are for now, just ramblings from a damaged heart. Am looking for a meeting---haven't found one yet that is feasible to attend. I will take this slow. I am not one to jump. I have been through one divorce. I don't think that is even the route I want to take. Not sure what I want. But I know what I need, and am not and have not gotten it in a long time.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    you would go on, we would be here for you

    by some....maybe, by yourself..probably, by the boards...NO

    I am still being eaten by Guilt and I am alive

    aren't they devastated now because of his addiction

    ?:faint: sweet one, I wholeheartedly second that opinion! I ditto the alanon suggestion, it took me a long time to go, I finally went and it helped alot, I know I still need to go more often then I do
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Vent away...I have no suggestions, just hugs and support.
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I won't give any advice about your marriage, too many unknowns, but I would tell you regardless of what choice you make, set up your own checking/savings account that he cannot get to. If you have anything in both your names, get it changed. Give him less access to money you have earned. You need to prepare for a future with or without him. He obviously has access to some funds if he can get drugs and hide it for two years. I would not worry so much about what the kids think, they may know more than you do. I guess the fact that he hid it for so long would worry me. I would be more understanding if he "slipped", but at least told you about it immediately....... You certainly have much to think about...... sending wisdom and strength your way
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Everywoman.........I am so so sorry. I know what place you are in, and there is no turning back. Your heart has already made the decision, it is your mind that is fighting it. Let go of the battle in your head, and follow you heart, it will not fail you.

  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    everywomen, I don't have experience with addiction so take this with a grain of salt.
    I think that there is a great love between you and husband. It was strong enough to get through the first episode of drugs and redemption . You rebuilt your lives based on the memory of the good things in your relationship.
    However if the past is an indicator of the future, this may very well be a pattern. Love doesn't get nourished with lies and deceit. All you will have is the empty facade of what you once had.
    No one would fault you if you left. No one would blame you if you stayed and had a different sort of relationship with your spouse. The one thing for certain is it will never be as it was. I would think it will all be based on what kind of life you see yourself living.
    Hugs. Any one of us in long term marriages could be at a similar crossroads with different issues.
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks ladies, for allowing me to place my hurt and heart in your hands and responding with such frankness and friendship. This is just such a hard place to be. Fran, you are right, it will never be what it was.

    My husband is a good man. He has an enormous heart. He is kind and thoughtful. Everyone who knows him loves him. And despite all his faults,he loves me. Maybe too much. This addiction does not define who he is. I wish I could explain it better. He is as devastated by his choices as I am. I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I know that we will always be a part of each other's lives.

    He called today and says the dr. has him on Depokote for his racing thoughts. It is causing him to have headaches. He may get out tomorrow. If not it will be Monday. I told him I could pick him up tomorrow, but if it is on Monday, his sister will have to go.

    The kids are worried about him coming home again. difficult child wonders if it is too soon. He and husband clash quite a bit---he is talking a lot. He told me he is trying hard to fight off depression. And Jana---it's hard when the daddy you adores falls off his pedestal (again.)She is already depressed about her current situation.

    Just pray for us all. Even husband. He probably needs it the most.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi EW,

    I managed to stay in a 13 year marriage to a man that was abusive in every sense of the word. I NEVER had ANY intentions of leaving. I stuck with him through hell on earth and subjected my son to it as well.


    SO I hated HIM for being weak and I hated ME for being strong

    Maybe you are not there yet. I never like to see ANY marriage consider divorce. Good grief we never GOT married to GET divorced. And I'm all for the better or worse, sickness and in health vow part too. But when he didn't live up to his part of OUR vows before God and didn't treat ME well?? After 13 years I said good bye and have no regrets.

    I don't know EW - maybe there is something in here from another woman that you will recognize in yourself or think - OMG yes.....THAT is how I do feel, or wish you didn't recognize it. Addiction isn't something anyone wants to live through. It IS something that many people have to live with every day and I don't know if your husband has any guilt over his actions or not. What I do know is that he doesn't want to be where he is because of why he's there and he's not sure HOW to be at home without that which put him where he is. It's hell on both of you - and I'm so sorry, but today I'm mostly sorry for you and I wanted you to know that I've been there - and I'm thinking of you.

    Much Hugs - HUGE HUGE PRAYERS......
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks Star.
  18. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    No advice, just understanding and sorrow for your pain.
  19. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    My Mom is an alcoholic and drug abuser, so I'm not coming from the same place as having an addicted spouse. I think the biggest problem I had was feeling that I must not be very important to her for her to choose her addictions over me. I also felt cheated out of a large part of my childhood because of her addictions. I remember thinking once that it was like she had died because my mother would never abandon me or choose drugs & alcohol over myself and my brother.

    But she did.

    Love and loyalty doesn't count for much where addiction is concerned.

    I'm sorry you and your family are suffering again. I hate addiction.
  20. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Just want you to know I am thinking of you.
    Growing up in a family of addicts, I have never felt so alone than when my Father was home, high.
    I was never happier than when he would take off to a hotel to go smoke crack or shoot up for a weekend... because then I didn't have to see him or feel.
    No answers... just one who hates addiction also.