Learning to accept the fact...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by lovemysons, Apr 8, 2009.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    that easy child is gay.

    Yesterday while easy child was home from school, sore throat etc. and I took her to the dr.s we had a chance to talk.

    She has a new "girlfriend". I asked her if girls can go with each other to Prom...which is next year. She said she wasn't real interested in prom, she kind of smiled and said, "yes, girls can go together".

    I asked her how long she's known she was attracted to girls. She told me since she was around 13 years old.

    I asked her about kids in her future...she said she doesn't know. She said she would like to be a mom but that her bowling career and psychology field will probibly take up most of her time. She DOES feel some pressure from family about having kids some day. Apparently oldest difficult child has talked to her about this and young difficult child's wife said she would like lil Joey to have some cousins.

    I am STILL so glad she can talk to me about her sexuality and her feelings. I feel honored that she trusts me so much.
    She still can't talk to dad about it...they have sort of a "don't ask don't tell" policy going.

    Just an update on my sweet easy child. by the way, she and her team also won first place in state for bowling recently. I am very proud of her, dad is her high school bowling coach.

    by the way, my mother in law was also gay, closet gay, it was only revealed in honesty to me after her death, by her partner. husband still doesn't know.
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Tammy, I just had to tell you what a pleasure it was to read your post today. It exudes such love for your daughter; ultimate parental love; unconditional love. I hope you don't think I'm patronizing you. It's just that I meet so many parents who place unfair burdens and expectations on their young adult children. Then when the kids don't change thier shape to conform to thier parent's 'ideal', the parent's shut them out. It's so sad.

    And then there are parents like you. You're great, many hugs and congrats!
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you Jo,

    easy child is such a kind hearted, strong, confident, loving person. I will always be pleased that she is my daughter. She also has been through so much having 2 difficult child brothers. She is a survivor. Her motto is "everything happens for a reason".

    And, at some point, maybe dad will get over himself and accept this part of her identity. He is very "homophobic" but I will say that he is VERY proud of easy child and her accomplishments in life.

    She hasn't had it easy but you wouldn't know it by talking to her by watching her.
    I love her dearly.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Tammy, I have no experience with this but she is such a terrific girl that I do hope she finds great happiness in her life. on the other hand...when I was sixteen I was completely and totally in love with a truly wonderful young man. I would have bet the family farm that the two of us would live happily ever after. He felt the same way about me. Much to our shock we did not end up together and we both choose other options.

    easy child may or may not really know what her choices will be as she matures into a totally different (but still terrific!!) person. I wouldn't worry about whether she has kids or stays attracted to the same type of companion. Life is funny and by 26 most of us don't think exactly as we did at 16. By 36 we sure as heck think differently.

    I know you will love her no matter what her ultimate choices are but I would not reenforce her definition of herself now as the person she is bound to be later. easy child/difficult child has a number of girl friends who in their mid-twenties have decided that the gay lifestyle may be for them. For the last ten years they have been happily hetero. Only time tells for sure. DDD
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Your daughter is fortunate to have a Mom who can accept her no matter what. That she can talk to you about issues that are important and sensitive to her.....she is blessed.

    I tend to agree with DDD that her preferences may be subject to change as she grows and matures as a person. Time will tell. But at this age......I wouldn't be placing the worry of children ect on her. She has plenty of time ahead of her to consider those types of things. Her focus at this point should be education, and things she enjoys doing in life.

    She's lucky to have such a great Mom.

  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I too am one that thinks it is great you and your easy child have such a close and open relationship. I just wish more kids had parents like you!

    Who knows what the future holds for her but even if she truly is gay....kids are still an option. It's just up to her and who's to say she would have kids even if she was hetero? I recently reconnected with a cousin who lives across the country. She is gay and her partner is pregnant with their first child. Their plan is to wait a couple of years after the baby is born and then my cousin will be inseminated by the same donor so that their kids will be biologically related.

    Personally, I don't care who a person falls in love with as long as the person is good and treats my loved one with love and respect. That's really all any of us can ask for.
  7. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    You are an amazing Mom! I have very close friends that are GLBT kids, and the things they went through growing up......I can't even tell you the number of times I've seen them totally devasted by the deterioration of their relationships with their parents. They never really got over it, either---holidays with friends, birthdays without cards, no one to call when they graduated college. For no real reason. They're fine....they're living their lives, but that hurt, it's always there a little.

    I took my old roommate to the emergency room at the hospital once, and....there was no one to call. Just me, her friend, sitting next to her all night. She was only 22. She kept trying not to show how wrong it all felt, but I had to leave for the restroom at one point to cry. She was such a lost little girl at that moment.

    Your little girl will never have to be in her shoes....that's just amazing. Knowing that she has acceptance from you makes me all warm fuzzy inside. I can't even imagine how much that must mean to her. The only advice I have for you is to try to get the fam to back off a bit on the "kids" thing. She's only 16---she probably doesn't need to be worrying about possible future children, no matter who she decides to date! :D

    And even if she stays with girls her whole life, that doesn't really impact whether or not she'll end up a Mom. She can have kids, she can adopt, she can foster.....Lord knows, we all know that better than most - families are the love, not the blood ties. :)

    Just wanted to lend you some strength. Her life might not be exactly what you envisioned (and again, it might be!), but she's yours, and it'll still be wonderful.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am so proud of you for allowing your daughter to express who she is to you with judgment or condemnation. I know that it will make a difference in her life that you are willing to accept her as is---and really that is what all kids want--acceptance. I think that this generation of kids is much more accepting that our generation was. I am proud of her for opening up to you and discussing her personal feelings and emotions.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It is good that you are close enough to talk about this. -RM
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Tammy, your daughter is blessed with you as mom and you are blessed with her as your child. I did everything to please my mom and it was never acknowledged. My half sister was legally married to her same sex partner in Belgium. Most of her family shunned her. It was very painful but she needed to live her truth.

    I have often said that I would rather my gfgfs were gay, in a relationship with a loving and respectful partner, rather than being involved with some blood sucking scumbag which they seem to attract.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Tammy,
    It's nice to see you. Your daughter has done very well and seems balanced and bright. Her sexuality is only one aspect of who she is and none of us are the same as we were at 16, 22, 35 etc. She will evolve. She may give up bowling or decide she isn't as sure of her sexual preference. Your love will help her to find herself without pulling away from you.
    I think a lot of our fear is that we don't know what the ramifications down the road will be since it is not the typical life choice. In the end, we want our kids to be happy, balanced, responsible and loved. Sounds like your daughter is on her way.
  12. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    Hello Tammy:

    My daughter is struggling right now with this issue. First , she struggles with LDs and related depression and the like leaving little time for this. The combination is devastating for her. She has not received much support from the community. The school thinks she is confused about this base because of her apparent limitations on other areas. It is makingit hard for her.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that my daughter can also arrive in a healthy spot.

    I say to both of my children. No one has to have a significant other if they are not ready! Not as a freshman or as an adult.

    Thank you for sharing.
  13. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!


    This proves to me what I already knew, you are a wonderful mom! What a gift to your kids that you are so understanding and accepting. I love that your easy child can be so open with you.

    Hugs, Vickie
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm glad you both have each other. My life changed so much from what I thought at 16, to 24, to 30 to now. After my divorce someone said to me "Well Star, maybe you should find a woman." and I laughed and said "Well if I don't straighten myself out first I'll end up with a wife that beats me too."

    I think we constantly evolve and learn and if we're lucky we have a Mom who's understanding and supporting like you are.

    Congratulations on the bowling! I love to bowl, took lessons from a pro and was pretty good, but now I need a 3lb ball with man sized holes, a wrist brace and bumpers.......see.....told you, time changes a lot. lol

  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Being attracted to the same sex is not a lifestyle choice. It just IS. It's not an easy life either, as a rule. Supporting such a child does not mean you are encouraging it, or pushing it on your child. All it means is support. And that support is so important, in a world where often there is a lot of pain and distress. It is good to know that your daughter will always have someone she feels she can talk to. I hope her father's pride in his daughter will help him eventually accept all facets of her life.

  16. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you ALL for the kind words of support and care for the relationship I have with my easy child. How sad for some of you that have friends/family members who have been shunned by their parents. I think unconditional love is required by a parent...we love them as is...nothing they can say or do can change that.
    I mean really, lol, my difficult child's have said and done some really messed up stuff and I love them no matter, easy child is certainly easy to love.

    Fran, it's great to see you too. I always look for you on threads to see how you and difficult child are doing these days. Thank you for having taken the time to care so much about me when I first came to the board many many years ago. I hope I'll always be able to catch up with you here.

    Lizanne, welcome to the board...it's always nice to have a new face here. Your daughter is very fortunate to have you as a mom to help her through all of her challenges.

    And yall are probibly right...easy child will change and evolve. Ya know, I guess one of my biggest concerns with easy child is that so many of the friends/current girlfriend included, are such injured people. easy child is such a caregiver to those who have been hurt in their lives. The current girlfriend ...her father killed her mother when she was little and the father is in prison, she was adopted 4-5 yrs ago after living in multiple foster homes and having been raped in one of them, all this according to easy child.

    Right now, we have one of easy child's "guy friends" living with us. He is not a difficult child so thats the good part, but he has a mother with mental illness issues (tried to kill him) and his father is no where to be found...so we've kind of "adopted him" if you will. Again, another injured person that easy child cares for.

    Star your funny about your "bowling challenges" today. Ya, easy child averages around a 206 and last year at a state tournament she bowled a 300...a perfect game. She also has been named "bowler of the year" in our town. She says she plans to be on ESPN one of these days...bowling professionally.

    Thanks again for caring. I love this board and the people here, smile.
    HUgs and love,
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Although I didn't go through this, I don't even consider it a special need. I'm so glad you're embracing who your daughter is--no, it's not a lifestyle choice. You're born that way and it's cruel to demean who your child is. That would not have upset me. Life is tough and even straight couples are very challenged these days. What's the divorce rate? Jeez.

    My close friend has a gay daughter. They have NEVER discussed it, but she knows. She and her partner have a nice house and both are gainfully employed and very sweet young women. She thinks of the partner as another daughter. I would be proud to have either girl as my own.

    You're a great mom!