Letting Thoughts Go...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Feb 16, 2009.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    For those of you that have children that simply cannot let things go, I'm wondering what you do when the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) type thoughts drive you batty.

    Part of my problem is, with D, he worries and obsesses over things that are trivial (to most of us, anyway), but the things that are severe (again, to most of us) are miniscule to him.

    For example, this morning he couldn't find the bag of (intentionally hidden) cheese curls he saw out last night. SO had the bag, watching TV, last night, and probably ate 50% of it (he's not on MY diet LOLOL). D came down, cereal on the table, medications, drink - folder out for school, typical routine. Didn't even see those things today, went straight for the counter. No cheese curls.

    "OMG where are they? Did SO eat them all? What a HIPPOCRYTE for telling ME I can only eat 13 of them (that's the serving size) and he eats the whole bag. He's going to have a heart attack eating all that food. And he's fat (D is 155 lbs LOL okayyyyyyyyy)! Where did they go? He cannot eat all them. That is so not fair!!!!!"

    He's routing. Routing and routing, through cabinets, going nutso. I know where they are. I'm the one that put them away. It's not just this - though, it's everything. What J's doing. What B's doing. The "rant" can go on for an excess of an hour, days depending on what it is. I show him the bag, explain to him SO is the one that buys the groceries, and he has the right to eat the entire bag if he wants. He doesn't hear me, or he doesn't care. Life isn't fair, kid - that's what I want to tell him. Tough sh*t, deal with it and move on.

    therapist suggested giving him a timer. "Ok, D, you have 5 minutes to talk about this"....and then it's to be let go. But, when the timer goes off ..."therapist is a retard. Why does she have to make rules? This isn't her house. I don't have to listen to her. This is babyish, I can talk all I want".

    It's driving us insane, and honestly, I don't know if there's a medication for this, whatever "this" is. I'm sure it's partly anxiety driven, but the Buspar doesn't touch it. I'm told, by therapist, alot of his thinking is very Aspie, but does that mean he can't be taught to let it go? I mean, whatever diagnosis this is part of, whatever this is - it's insane.

    Anyone else have this issue and find solution to easing it?
  2. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I don't recommend this but I usually end up losing it and she gets her feelings hurt and goes up to her room, upset. Then I cool off and go apologize for losing control of myself and listen to her obsess on how I don't understand and she can't help it, etc., etc. That is over pretty quickly, though, and we are past the original obsession.

    If I had a situation like yours over the cheese curls, I would probably give her some cheese curls in her lunch and not care if she wanted to eat them before. I would just tell her that SO wasn't my child and unfortunately, wouldn't listen to me when I told him he shouldn't eat all of that. Hopefully that would work to get her off the subject but if not, see above.:disgusted:After reading Smallworld, I agree that trying to divert with something else also works a lot of the time.

    They do use SSRI's for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I can't remember if you have ever tried those? There are also natural supplements that some people have luck with.
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2009
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    What works for us:

    Acceptable limits: Leaving 13 cheese curls out in a bag that D can have.
    Distraction: "That TV show you like is on right now. Do you want to watch it?"
    Substitition: "I just bought this great new cereal. Do you want to try it?"
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Life isn't fair, kid - that's what I want to tell him. Tough sh*t, deal with it and move on.

    This is EXACTLY what I say to my difficult child! (Minus the sh*t, or I will have to pay him 50 cents for swearing. :) )

    The timer idea is great.

    You've got to have a consequence for when he runs past the time, though.

    You're on the right track!
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. When we pre-pack my difficult child's lunch, and we put junk food in there, he finds it and eats it the night b4. Sigh.
    Oh well. Smaller lunch.
  6. Janna

    Janna New Member

    He didn't want the cheese curls. He didn't ask for them. That's the thing. I wasn't packing a lunch. He's not allowed to eat cheese curls in the morning LOL! He knows that. He wasn't worried about that. He was just obsessed over where the stinkin' bag was. It wasn't there. SO ate them. He could not stand the fact that SO had them and the fact that he thought SO finished the bag. It drove him batty.

    THAT'S the issue LOL!

    I couldn't offer something else. That's the other problem. I can't redirect him. *sigh* The suggestions are so good SW - I wish I could. But...that won't work :(

    But thank you anyway!!
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or not? He's continuing to get attention for his outbursts/rants. If they persist for hours? New rule! - You may rant in front of everyone with the timer for 5 minutes. PERIOD! After that? You may retire to YOUR bedroom and rant about it there - all you want for as long as you want.

    Make it clear that the rants are not appreciated NOR will they be given attention.

    Also - How about if snacks (since they seem to be a bone of contention with your son) are divided up AS THEY ARE PURCHASED. I think it would be a little hard to do at first, but I would buy baggies and a marker -
    I would put a certain amount of snacks in baggie labled MONDAY - or three baggies for Monday - maybe 13 cheetos in one, 10 cheetos in another, 4 sugar free cookies in another. Now the choice of WHEN to eat them - is up to your child - but suggest that one could be for mid morning at school, one after school and one after supper.

    IF HE CHOOSES TO EAT ALL OF THAT DAYS SNACKS AT A SITTING? Then he gets NO snacks for the rest of the day -

    Tuesday? Bring out the three bags labled TUESDAY SNACKS FOR SON....three baggies, all saying Tuesday - and when you put them on the counter - you say HERE are TUESDAYS snacks for you. So that you both know the snacks are there and there's no "I don't know what happened to them." later.

    As far as SO buying and eating all the cheetos? Ahhhh yes. You know it IS his peroggative to eat them all when he wants because he buys them but I don't know any kids that get it. You and I get it. If I buy myself a candy bar and Dude eats it? OMG I'm very upset. If DF buys some chips or something just for him - then he would always say "I bought these and they are MY special treat." You could even find baggies with designs on them - and say XX's SPECIAL TREAT MONDAY ......

    But as far as the broken record rant routine? I'd give it the audience it deserves.....himself, in his room, door shut.....and no coming out until he's let go of it.

    Hope this helps......
    Hope this helps......
    Hope this helps....
    Oh I am no funny
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    I have the same issues with manster. I feel your pain. Food is a biggie and my manster is also overweight. He is 4 8" and weights 120 lbs we just found out (ouch). He wears 14 H at 10 :( I am using video game time as a reward for changing behaviors right now and would probably use that carrot to stop the dialogue. "If you stop talking about it right now you can have an extra 1/2 hour on the system". That is actually working for us, at least for now. Big hugs of understanding xo ML
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Ok I am an oldtimer so I have different tactics I used but some of them worked. 1) EARPLUGS. I would listen to what they had to say for about five minutes and then if they continued to repeat it over and over I would put my earplugs in while they watched. 2) MUSIC. I would turn on the music and every time they esculated I would just turn it up. I would continue till it was blasting and the music always won. difficult child would quiet down I would turn the music down and all would be calm...until the next issue LOL
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    Great suggestions Rejected mom!
  11. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    RM, I like your tactics! I'm going to have to try them the next time we have an obsession over here . . .
  12. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Can you have a 5 minute rant and then anything after the 5 minutes is up have him write it out? He can write as many pages on the subject as he wants?
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Janna, I guess the only alternative would have been to have gotten the bag out of the trash. :(

    Looks like everyone is on the same page here--a timer. And earplugs.

    RM, I've tried the music thing. difficult child always won. He's got much tougher nerves than I have. :) But I like the idea.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Somethings NOT to do -

    Don't try to talk him out of it. Don't try to say, "what a lot of fuss over nothing!" DOn't try to make light of his feelings, because it will only make his feelings more intense.

    We are trying a few strategies, depending on what it is difficult child 3 is upset about. The first and main strategy - face whatever it is, don't try to sweep it under the carpet.

    IN this case - what is driving him? I suspect it is his feae that when HE wants cheese curls, there will be none left. So what I suggest you do (future reference maybe) is pull out the packet and put aside a couple of servings for difficult child (however many you think is fair) so he won't miss out on having some too. I found the kids calmed down a lot, once they knew that what they wanted to have, was "locked in" and untouchable by anyone else. For example, birthday cake - if one of the kids wans't home for the Great Cutting of the Birthday Cake, they still wanted to makesure they got an equal share. So we would cut a piece for them and put it in the fridge on a plate, wrapped up with their name on it. If we went around and cut another slice for everyone - asme story, leave a slice on a plate for each person not present. It is then up to the person to decide the fate of their portion of cake. If they decide they don't want it, they can say who it can go to (or it goes back to house reserves and parents decide).

    Simply knowing that they won't miss out on it unless THEY choose to, really eases the anxiety.

    difficult child 3 is also fussing about this and that when he's supposed to be studying. It really interferes with his study. I've left him a couple of times to set his own working pace (because he refuses to let me keep him on task if he is too anxious) and at the end of the day I've said to him, "YOu got too distracted today. You MUST find a way to control your distracting thoughts and not allow yourself to be deflected." We're trialling a strategy of difficult child 3 writing down a list of things he remembers need to be done, so instead of actually DOING them when he should be working, he just makes a note, and later on during a break he can do the tasks on his list. I'm trying to involve difficult child 3 in solving his own problem, but to do this I've had to let the problem escalate a bit to the point where difficult child 3 is ready to accept he's not dealing with it well.

    If there is another reason for anxiety to be heightened, I also remind difficult child 3 f this and let him know I am sympathetic, but once you know why, it's easier to try to assert some self-control.

    It's all part of increasing self-awareness as you grow up.

  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I second this...

    This definitely works in my house. There is far less fussing over who ate what if everybody has their own little stash of goodies.

  16. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Thank you everyone! Really good ideas. I love Star's idea of sending him to the room. Although, he'd spend 90% of his time there LOL!

    I could do the portion thing. But I don't have the energy. I don't think I care enough. It's a great idea. I am just having an ODD situation (I'm being the ODD one LOL) where I'm sick and tired of accomodating a kid that is learning at a pace slower than a slug.

    He's doing well because we continually accustom this house for him. Unfortunately for him, that's over. He's going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I've had a day with him and right now I could just shove those cheese curls up his whazoo.
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2009
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Janna, I so understand! Hugs.
  18. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This imagery reminds me of the folks using their cheesy snacks inappropriately in all of those 'Cheetos' commercials....

    There must just be something about cheese curls that encourages folks to bad behavior! (Perhaps they need to be banned alongside those violent video games?)


  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    The tweedles obesessed over food & hoarded it. They would both get nuts if something in the kitchen went missing.

    Remember my board name- Timer Lady. I wore 2 timers (different colors) for kt & wm. I timed down everything. Especially when they went nuts over missing food. I let them have 5 minutes of ranting & raving, then they had to take it to their rooms. I used the timers for many behaviors.

    Saying that, I also put out a snack basket for each of the tweedles. Filled with their favorite items plus healthy fruits & veggies. They learned quickly that basket had to last the entire day. The only items they could get from the fridge was yogurt or juice. Again, this was due to the neglect they suffered - however, they developed some of the same anxieties that you are describing in your difficult child.

    And I know it wasn't that your difficult child wanted to eat the food - he just needed to know it was there. So, I began to bag snack foods in sandwich bags for kt & wm. They knew how many snack bags of a certain food item they had & where it was stored. It really helped calm their anxiety.

    Good luck, Janna. This isn't an easy one. Once you get one "anxiety" under control another tends to pop up in it's place.
  20. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Thank you, Linda.

    I think I'll stick with the 5 minute rant/timer that we've been doing - send to room after 5 minutes and work on bagging stuff. Seems like that's working for some of the difficult child's. Maybe I'll incorporate that for all the kids. Get a basket.

    Thank you!