would like some comments about how to handle his calls and run in s (he was in the park again tonight as I walked through with my easy child's to go get a burger...we avoided him by taking a different path.)
Echo, just within the past few weeks and months, I have been telling myself that I have the gift of Time. I have been isolating and sort of rephrasing whatever the issue is. I have given myself time, and still more time, trusting that a solution will appear. During this time, the issue I can't let go of and cannot solve, either, is out there somewhere, just out of consciousness.
I don't know how to think or feel about it, so I just acknowledge it and give it time.
I post about it here.
Then, one day, I find myself thinking differently about it. I am never sure how that happened. All at once, everything is moving, changing. It feels more like I am watching a process than deciding an outcome. It is like a myriad of solutions parade past me. When the right emotional match comes up, I know.
Once I find myself thinking differently, it isn't much longer at all before something happens that brings the event to conclusion. One time, it was about forgiveness for the male who beat difficult child. I just couldn't know how to look at that or think about him. All at once, this rush of hatred and vengeance came roaring through and right behind it...forgiveness. It was unlike anything that had happened to me, before. I think that "keep it on the back burner" quality is what is responsible for that capacity to keep my attention on a thing until resolution without being destroyed by the emotional trappings that come with every one of these issues with our kids.
It was the same when we believed difficult child was going into organ failure.
It is the same (though without that same immediacy) with family of origin issues.
So much of it is about posting here I think, Echo. Seeing ourselves discussing the issue, reading responses, feeling protected from the isolation of that dark little core at the center of these feelings...I think that is why this kind of magic can happen for us, here on the site.
So...keep posting about it, Echo. You are in an impossible position. It is ten thousand times worse to be confronted with the actual physical reality of what is happening than it is to agonize over the imagery you know is probably true but have not actually seen.
Last summer, I found I had come to hate everything about the city difficult child daughter was homeless in. I mean I passionately hated everything about it. We lived in that city for thirty years, loved it, knew it to its bones. And yet, what happened there with our daughter found me hating every curve of it.
Now that she is out of there?
I don't hate it anymore.
It is very strange. I could know what was happening to me intellectually. (Not very attractive to acknowledge what I was feeling ~ and for whom.) But there was something wild, something demanding and feral in the intensity of those emotions. I felt like an animal on the prowl, looking for my daughter in that city.
I hated the homeless people I would see, wondering which of them it was who had beat her.
The whole thing was overwhelming.
It was like I was hanging onto the tail end of some powerful something over which I had zero control.
We never did find her.
But I saw so many street people doing whatever it is that they do, Echo.
And I hated them.
And I wondered where there mothers were, and if the mothers knew what the sons were doing.
And I was so angry, Echo.
And so helpless.
I couldn't change what I felt for my child. I couldn't accept what I knew.
I had no choice.
You are weighing the issues now I think, Echo. The solution, the peace you are searching for now over how to accept what you cannot change, is going to take time to come to you.
But it will.
The imagery I came up with to recognize my situation relative to difficult child daughter is pretty awful. It rang true for me, it worked for me. It popped me into numb so fast that I could identify what it was I felt badly about. I knew how to cope with the bad feelings from having been here on the site.
Recovering was so helpful to me.
Naming the feelings did not take away the horror. What it did was limit the global nature of the horror. I could touch it.
So, I could limit the far reaching harm of it. Next step was to learn to sit with the horror.
I think I did alot of posting at the time about the movie, Apocalypse Now. It felt very much like the interview at the end of the river for me, as I worked through whatever that was with difficult child daughter last summer. Marlon Brando saying something about the horror of it.
That was me.
The imagery I finally came up with to know what it was like was worse, way worse, than that movie scene. It comforts me to have it, though. It is too disturbing an imagery to share here.
When it happens though, I know immediately where I am.
Part of the horror of this for all of us is that we don't know where we are. Everything is dark, and our kids are lost out there somewhere.
I did alot of work with the Isis imagery too, Echo. Isis, searching so desperately for the pieces of her dead child; never finding the organs of regeneration.
That imagery is so horrible, I know.
But it helped me.
I'm sorry this is happening, Echo.
We are in a hard place, all of us here.