Marguerite
Active Member
Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) - Autism Spectrum Disorder. In our area, that's Asperger's plus a history of language delay. Or some people lump Asperger's under Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), or Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - a large umbrella term which covers Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) plus Asperger's plus a few other related things)
There are ways of "giving way" without giving in. Someone like this who is very rigid (and yes, I did immediately get what you meant by ridigity, it is exactly what we live with too) actually has a better capacity than most, to turn this into self-discipline.
What begins to work here, is when you behave towards her, how you want her to behave towards you. This also requires you to NOT react or take action (other than self-preservation) when she gets in your face. In other words - never raise your voice back, never use force back unless it is for immediate safety.
What we do when difficult child 3 gets in our face - we stay calm, we wait until he winds down (which they will do if you stay unmoving and silent for a few minutes) then say quietly, "I am not shouting at you; please do not shout at me. Now let's talk about what is upsetting you, let's see what we can work out."
It's the teamwork approach, to become her helper and not the obstacle that she currently sees.
She has obvious problems with change, including task-changing. This is not something that can be managed with any form of discipline. In fact, a lot of the problems cannot, and should not, be disciplined. Instead, help her find a better way. If she needs reminding, then let her know that all you are doing is reminding her. What can really work, is to plan ahead, WITH HER. Sit with her and say, "There are certain things tat need to be done. Homework, for one. Other things such as you having a shower, going to bed, getting ready for school. We know that sometimes all these things are not easy for you; we'd like to find ways to help you. Do you have any ideas that you think might work?"
Then make your suggestions. Get feedback from her. Discuss it. If she is insistent that something won't work, ask if it gives her any ideas that could work. Then see if you can compromise on a system that you can at least try for a few days. Then go back and discuss again - "How do you feel that worked? Did it help? Or did you find it more frustrating?"
We are currently going through this process with the help of a therapist. Sometimes it takes a professional to help your child see that YOU are not the problem.
Your EX sounds like he's dead against medication, but if you say (at least for now) that your aim is not to medicate, but merely to find what hep you can get for her, so life is not so frustrating for her, he might be more relaxed about it.
I do think she needs to be assessed more formally for Asperger's. Being a social butterfly does not rule this out, and there are still tdocs who are well-trained and expert in their own areas, who don't 'get' this. difficult child 3 is very socially outgoing; it's just that socially he is very concrete and doesn't always understand the more subtle, 'hidden' communication. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is a classic social butterfly, loves being around friends and the centre of attention, but also can be taken advantage of by friends. And we're certain she's a mild Aspie - the rigid thinking, the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) stuff, the extreme anxiety - nasty. Trying to diagnose girls with this is very tricky because they are far more social than Aspie boys and atypical in other ways. The goal posts for diagnosis are always moving, with Asperger's. Don't rely on your friend's informal diagnosis, get this nailed in place one way or another by someone more formally.
Also something to help - go to www.childbrain.com and do the online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Print it out regardless of score. Like your friend's advice, you can't use the results to formally diagnose, but it can be taken under advisement and if you get a printout and show it to a health professional, it will at least indicate the range of problems you're having with her.
Welcome to the site, there is help and understanding here. let us know how you get on.
Marg
There are ways of "giving way" without giving in. Someone like this who is very rigid (and yes, I did immediately get what you meant by ridigity, it is exactly what we live with too) actually has a better capacity than most, to turn this into self-discipline.
What begins to work here, is when you behave towards her, how you want her to behave towards you. This also requires you to NOT react or take action (other than self-preservation) when she gets in your face. In other words - never raise your voice back, never use force back unless it is for immediate safety.
What we do when difficult child 3 gets in our face - we stay calm, we wait until he winds down (which they will do if you stay unmoving and silent for a few minutes) then say quietly, "I am not shouting at you; please do not shout at me. Now let's talk about what is upsetting you, let's see what we can work out."
It's the teamwork approach, to become her helper and not the obstacle that she currently sees.
She has obvious problems with change, including task-changing. This is not something that can be managed with any form of discipline. In fact, a lot of the problems cannot, and should not, be disciplined. Instead, help her find a better way. If she needs reminding, then let her know that all you are doing is reminding her. What can really work, is to plan ahead, WITH HER. Sit with her and say, "There are certain things tat need to be done. Homework, for one. Other things such as you having a shower, going to bed, getting ready for school. We know that sometimes all these things are not easy for you; we'd like to find ways to help you. Do you have any ideas that you think might work?"
Then make your suggestions. Get feedback from her. Discuss it. If she is insistent that something won't work, ask if it gives her any ideas that could work. Then see if you can compromise on a system that you can at least try for a few days. Then go back and discuss again - "How do you feel that worked? Did it help? Or did you find it more frustrating?"
We are currently going through this process with the help of a therapist. Sometimes it takes a professional to help your child see that YOU are not the problem.
Your EX sounds like he's dead against medication, but if you say (at least for now) that your aim is not to medicate, but merely to find what hep you can get for her, so life is not so frustrating for her, he might be more relaxed about it.
I do think she needs to be assessed more formally for Asperger's. Being a social butterfly does not rule this out, and there are still tdocs who are well-trained and expert in their own areas, who don't 'get' this. difficult child 3 is very socially outgoing; it's just that socially he is very concrete and doesn't always understand the more subtle, 'hidden' communication. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is a classic social butterfly, loves being around friends and the centre of attention, but also can be taken advantage of by friends. And we're certain she's a mild Aspie - the rigid thinking, the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) stuff, the extreme anxiety - nasty. Trying to diagnose girls with this is very tricky because they are far more social than Aspie boys and atypical in other ways. The goal posts for diagnosis are always moving, with Asperger's. Don't rely on your friend's informal diagnosis, get this nailed in place one way or another by someone more formally.
Also something to help - go to www.childbrain.com and do the online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Print it out regardless of score. Like your friend's advice, you can't use the results to formally diagnose, but it can be taken under advisement and if you get a printout and show it to a health professional, it will at least indicate the range of problems you're having with her.
Welcome to the site, there is help and understanding here. let us know how you get on.
Marg
