Looking for Support

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MaryJane, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. MaryJane

    MaryJane New Member

    It has taken nearly a decade but with God's help we are finally working on a plan to our end the unhealthy, painful, and financially crippling enabling that we (husband and myself) have participated in with our 26 year old daughter. Some background.

    We have 2 children. Our son is doing fantastic. Great job and work ethic, soon to be married, responsible.
    Our daughter is a drug addict and alcoholic (currently sober, because she is 7 1/2 months pregnant), served time in jail for repeated DWI's, recently evicted and living in our basement with her 27 year old unemployed loser boyfriend. She works part-time at a minimum wage job even though she is just 6 credits short of a graduate degree.

    My mission: To devise a well thought out plan to end our participation in her irresponsible life choices.

    What's changed: ME! I finally understand that I can not save her. Rehab didn't help. Taking her in didn't help, paying for college didn't help. Nothing has changed in 10 years and I have finally realized that I can't want "it" for her. She has no desire to change because she has never had to change. No matter what crap she's pulled, we always rescue her.

    My problem(s): Instead of executing this plan while in the middle of a "crisis" or while angry, this plan needs to be well thought out and cannot be executed until my husband and I are 100% committed that no amount of tears or tantrums will cause us to waiver. We need to be ready emotionally to accept the pain that will go along with this plan.

    Unfortunately, we have the real issue that this decision now includes our soon to be born granddaughter. How can we realistically "evict" our daughter at nearly 8 months pregnant. But then again if we wait, how could we even consider evicting her with a newborn? I don't think having her stay in our home is in our or her best interest. We need distance. From past experience we know that she manipulates us and the closer we are to that, the worse it will be. Also has bad as it sounds, I do not want to raise a new born. But we will.

    The Plan:
    1. Boyfriend is being evicted. We have drafted a 3 day notice to quit. (He is a MASTER manipulator) and will call the police to say he has established residency (even though he has never paid a dime of rent) if he is forced to leave. We have to be prepared legally, we know that.
    2. Give our daughter the choice of staying (past 3 days) without him or leaving also.
    3. If she decides to leave - stand 100% firm together that she will get no money from us, no matter how painful. Stand 100% firm that when called (not if, when) we will take in our grandchild, and only our grandchild, not her mother or father.
    4. If she chooses to stay.... This is where I get stuck.... Can anyone help with this? Thank you.
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Kudos on your plan! We too have been laying groundwork for a plan...yucky

    Your question is a legal one...I believe your daughter would have to legally sign something for custody.

    I know you can take her to court for being unfit parent...it will be ugly. Well she stay sober????

    I'm guessing not...if she screws up, the child will be taken from her to protected custody. Are there other Grandparents involved??

    I'm guess I g you have a long road ahead, but the child deserves a fighting chance. I'm sure your daughter had the best of chances also.

    Kuddos for your strength
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have a good plan. Remember that daughter and loser boyfriend are adults. Baby is innocent. If they pull anything funny with baby, do call CPS. You may have to try for custody, if you are willing and able. If not, dont feel guilty. Many young loving couples would gladly raise her. If it were me, Id feel I had to keep baby from drugged parents. Turn them in if baby is in danger. It would kill me inside to have to turn in my child, but Id do it to help my grandchild. Not easy. Necessary.

    Hugs and good luck!
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    I have to say, you are presenting a really good approach, especially this part

    You are very thoughtful and mature in realizing that all your help has not helped, and that the only help has to come from her.

    I can't speak to the legalities of evicting, or taking custody of grandchildren. My understanding is that the latter is nigh impossible, and the former is very local-law dependent, but it sounds like you may have sorted that out.

    So I'll address the part about dealing with our Difficult Child's.

    First, you don't have to allow her the option of staying. I think you know that. If you don't want that, don't put it on the list of options. It might be better to offer the option of paying for her housing, and hers alone, for some short period of time.

    If you do WANT to offer the option of staying, and she takes it, think of a list of things that will make her staying acceptable or even good for you, and write them down. The old contract, the one that you have probably already tried. Just...this time...very specific "move out" rules. And then stick to them.

    The thing is...it sounds like you know she will fail. You might not want to go there, as you said, with a baby in the house.

    As awful as this timing is, I agree with you that addressing it before the baby comes is best. Otherwise it seems likely that you will be stuck for a long while, either functionally raising a baby or within earshot of a baby being raised in a way that you find distressing.

    I am really sorry you are in this position. I fully support your recognizing that this is not a situation of your making, and that you'd best extract yourself.


    Good luck. Keep posting. Maybe some one will have something more helpful to say...mostly I just wanted you to know that I heard you, I support you, and I'll be thinking of you.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good plan.
    If daughter chooses to stay, I would require her to keep her job, give her a few household responsibilities/ rules and the requirement to see a therapist or go to some sort of drug program for a certain period of time. If she is going to stay past six months, after that, I would require her to work full time and pay a small rent. I probably wouldn't let her stay past 12 months under any circumstances.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, MJ

    I would insist that daughter go to Social Services and apply for emergency housing, as well as any other services she is eligible for, as she will not be able to live in your house.

    There are way more problems here than you are equipped to deal with, and your daughter most likely won't change while under your roof. Being in your home keeps her from having to deal with the consequences of her choices and learning how to problem solve. It will keep her stuck in extended adolescence. This isn't good for anyone.

    Good luck and stay with us.

    It is not an easy decision.

  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Welcome MJ, you're at the right place. We're glad you're here.

    When you get it, you get it. And then you can't unget it. However, you're in a sticky situation, so I would go slow. Keep it simple. Don't over-convolute this in terms of lots of terms and conditions and rules and boundaries. Don't try to force a crisis. Just decide what your one or two or three bottom lines are...right now. You can add more later/change it all if you need to.

    To my mind, if you already know (deep down) that she can't keep on living there, then you have two choices. Turn her out with some notice---she figures out when and where and how. Pay for rent somewhere for a limited period of time.

    Either choice does two things: gets her out of your house.

    You can't project the future, what might happen, if I do this, then she will do that...our DCs have a way of coming up with outcomes that we NEVER could have imagined.

    Right now, you can only decide what you can live with and what your boundaries are...for today.

    This is tough stuff, with the baby involved. We understand that.

    Whatever you decide, we will be here for you. Warm hugs this morning.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome MJ:

    You are in a tough spot. I would go mushy if I had a granddaughter on the way but probably because I have all boys.

    I have dealt with addiction though and I know what a BEAST it is.

    I would recommend that you and hubby go to therapy to prepare for this. I personally would feel better if I were you if I had some professional guidance. Have you thought of doing that?

    Good luck and welcome.
  9. MaryJane

    MaryJane New Member

    Thanks for your answers everyone. I appreciated the suggestions and advice. A few things. 1. Our daughter sees a psychiatrist regularly. 2. Eviction process complete. Move out is no later than 5 PM on Friday (yeah!). 3. One good sign "when boyfriend started talking badly about us evicting him I was shocked to her our daughter say to him "I told you, if you live in this house - you have to work". Maybe a sign she is thinking about her child. Still working on the plan to stop enabling her.
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    keep us posted! Hope it goes well one day at a time!

    Girl sounds like sober she sees things a bit clearer.
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well would have been better if she at least protested now you are in the issue you wanted to prevent.
  12. MaryJane

    MaryJane New Member

    I agree dad.
    I agree mof