Losing my Mind

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Momindistress3100, Feb 3, 2018.

  1. Momindistress3100

    Momindistress3100 New Member

    Thank goodness I found this forum, I am truly losing my mind over my 17 year old daughter.

    The backstory is long, she started getting in trouble 4 years ago almost exactly. She was doing all kinds of drugs and showed up to School high. These days she sticks to marijuana and alcohol. She has futue plans, was accepted to college and keeps telling me she is going places.

    Fast forward to last night,at 3am I have a police office at my door asking if we own a blue Kia. When I say yes, I am told it was involved in a high speed chase. I give them my daughters name and number so they call her. She is belligerent and tells them she wasn’t driving and doesn’t know who was. When the cop presses her for her location she hangs up. We have three additional young children so I have to call someone to come over and sit here while my husband and I go pick up her car from a terrible neighborhood on the other side of tow which I was able to locate after a ping to her phone. Then she turned her phone off so we could not physically locate her. She says someone took the car and she doesn’t know who but refuses to talk to the police. They are threatening to charge her with felony obstruction and since this is not her first run in with the law, they will put her in jail. She doesn’t seem to care that she stands to los everything. The comments she makes are “it will never stick” “dont the police have anything better to do” and “it’s no big deal no one got killed” she doesn’t seem to care that we are facing a big ticket because the car is registered in my name. For whatever reason she thinks so is untouchable and above the law. The only thing she cares about is that I took away the car.

    Everyday is excruciating with her. She does ok in school when she’s there but refuses to go on time or get a job. She turns 18 in 27 days and I cannot wait to kick her out. I told her I would turn the car over into her name when she is 18 but she won’t be driving it until then. She is toxic to our family. I want her to be happy and successful but she is literally ruining my life and making our littles kids lives a living hell.

    Thanks for letting me vent!!
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Welcome! We are very sorry to hear about your troubled daughter. I have two troubled stepsons, and there are many more of us here who know all too well the pain of raising difficult, mentally ill children. More of us will be along soon to introduce ourselves and welcome you.

    Sounds like she is going to need an attorney and that to a certain extent, the burden of dealing with her may be off of your shoulders if she's gotten herself into so much trouble that she's now looking at some kind of incarceration. It may be what she needs to straighten herself out. Sadly, some of these kids only learn the hardest way possible, by losing everything including their liberty.

    Keep us posted. This site will help you stay sane!
     
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  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome;

    I am right there with you have been through it all with my son.

    They are not well when they drug even it is only pot and alcohol.

    Setting boundaries and not enabling your daughter is tough but it is the right thing to do. She may decide to turn her life around and she may not. It is her story to write. Enabling her will only allow her to continue on this destructive path.
    Glad you found us. There is tremendous support and understanding here.
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    So she gets the car back in less than a month? How will she insure the car? Will you still be legally liable?
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome! I am sorry that you have to deal with such a difficult child. I know how hard it is.

    I have to say that you need to NOT ever let her drive that car or any car of yours again. She can walk or get a ride. You have to KNOW that she is driving while high or drunk and that is probably why she was eluding the cops. You let her have a lethal weapon of many pounds to drive around in while drunk or high. I know you were not thinking of it in those terms, but that is what a car is, a lethal weapon. Your daughter is going to hurt or maim someone or some family if you give her that car.

    I realize you said you would give her the car. If I were you, I would tell her that her behavior has shown that she is not responsible enough to drive, much less own a car. She cannot handle the responsibility of driving safely, so her punishment from you is that she will not get the car ever. If she needs to drive she can get a JOB and earn her own money to pay her own insurance and gas and buy her own car. THen stick to that.

    I know it is HARD, super hard to stick to things like this. You may have to even sell the car or disable it by taking parts off it so it won't operate (fuses are usually easy to locate and to figure out which will keep it from running). Then you have to listen to her. Let her move out when she is 18. She won't follow house rules and she will set a truly bad example for her siblings.

    The article on detachment on the Parent Emeritus forum near the top of the page that lists the threads is a big help. I know none of this is fun or easy, but it is what your daughter may need. She has lessons to learn in this life, and one of them needs to be that drinking or using drugs and driving simply do not go together under any circumstances. You may also find help and strength from going to AlAnon meetings. They truly are helpful to many parents and families of loved ones with problems with alcohol or substance abuse.

    Please don't ever again give your daughter control of a 1000-2000 pound weapon to aim at unsuspecting drivers on the roads. No one in your community has done anything to you to deserve that.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you give your daughter who you know is not sober tje car you are actively contributing to either her early death or that of others should she crash the car. And she will. She will.

    If you would not get drunk and drive why would you think of putting another drunk or high driver on the road? She is dangerous in a car. To herself. To others. To babies with their parents and other innocent children on the streets.

    I dont think it matters how much you love her, or think this car will make her do college or work. in my opinion it is your responsibility to do your best to keep her off the road even if you are not liable. Police Chase's kill too.

    I am always shocked when normally kind people allow drug users to drive and risk their lives and that of others no matter how much they love their kids. It is not just about their kids. It is also about the lives of innocent people, other people's kids, who are driving sober. Don't we care?

    I don't blame you for wanting her out but please please keep the car. This is about more than just her wishes.

    Love and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2018
  7. Momindistress3100

    Momindistress3100 New Member

    Well that went about as well as I expected. She finally showed up at home tonight and asked where the car was. Keep in mind she had sent me a crazy long text professing how sorry she is, how she knows that she was wrong and it won’t happen again, how much she loves me and doesn’t want to disappoint (I often wonder if she has this saved because this manipulative text is a common occurrence after she loses something) When I told her it wasn’t coming back she threw the ultimate tantrum. I explained to her that I was not willing to put my future at risk and I was not going to let her endanger the lives of others. I explained that if she wanted a car so bad she needs to save her money and buy one.

    I was then called every name in the book she told me she hates me and that I ruin everything. She says I wasn’t driving so I didn’t do anything. I try to explain that even though she wasn’t driving she went to a party in a terrible neighborhood and passed out allowing someone to take her car. She is not responsible enough to have a car. She then tells me she wants to die. She has nothing to live for without a car. She tells me I will find her in a river tomorrow. This suicide threat is a common go to for her. She knows my mother has struggled with depression and suicide for years so it is a sore spot for me. The last argument we had she cut her wrists with a shaving razor and went out her window. When the police caught up she said she was trying to get my attention. I keep telling her she needs help but she refuses and if she doesn’t want it or is an immediate threat to herself I can’t make her.

    We need to go to the police department day after tomorrow for them to question her about the whole police chase thing. She says the police are stupid they have nothing better to do. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I feel so helpless. All I do is cry. I’m constantly on edge and I’m so tired of fighting.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son used to pull the suicide threat. I started calling 911 every time as I am not professionally knowledgeable about taking care of that. He hasn't made that threat since then. Try it.

    It is not a good idea to give into her probable manipulation. You are right. Although you will never know if she was driving or she passed out and a friend drove (I find this hard to believe) she is not responsible enough to drive. If she wants to drive, I agree....let her save for her own car and pay the bills to operate it. None of my kids had cars before they bought them. Not even my very good kids. My oldest doesn't usedrugs or drink much but he is a nutty driver and has had so many accident she has to pay ahigh premium for a crummy insurance company. It is all in his name. My oldest daughter once did drugs and ruined our van. We never helped her drive again and locked up our car keys. She did have two other accidents driving friends cars. But that was not on us. In one accident a lady was I jured and daughter had to pay her a lot of money long after daughter quit using drugs. Finally my ex paid the rest off. She had been sober, responsible, working and on her own for two years. She has not had an accident since she stopped the drugs.

    You can do this. Your daughter should not get her wayby throwing a toddler tantrum. Stick to your guns. You are thinking clearly. Cars are dangerous and your daughter is not mature enough to be safe on the road.

    Can her dad go to court with her? Often dad's deal with this stuff better. It is alarming that daughter thinks a police chase is no big deal. She needs a reality check.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2018
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Mom. Glad you found us but sorry you needed to!

    Your daughter is out of control. We bought our son a car many years ago and took it away more than he drove it. He started drugging at age 15.

    We finally sent him to sober living in Florida after many years in and out of inpatient and outpatient rehabs in Illinois where we live. He did well for some time but eventually relapsed and passed out in his car and totaled it. He walked away without a scratch. I do know that he has a guardian angel because he has done many things that could have resulted in death. Luckily no one was hurt. Had he not been sober and going to school and working, we would not have given him the car. The next car he drives he will have to work for.

    A friend of our other son is in jail for killing a girl when he was drunk driving. He is serving many years and he's a young guy. He has to live with this the rest of his life.

    I don't blame you for wanting your daughter out. You do not deserve to live with her poor choices. I've been right where you are and it sucks. It sounds like your daughter is using more than pot and alcohol to me. Have you ever thought of drug testing her?

    I found a therapist that specializes in addiction. She helped me get through all of this with our son. We needed firm boundaries and he needed us to establish firm boundaries. We were enabling for a long time and didn't even know it. This is hard stuff but the good people on this forum have either been through it or are going through it.

    We are not experts. I don't even know if the experts are experts from what I've experienced. We just will tell you what we've done and hopefully you won't make the same mistakes. And if you do, then that is how we learn. This is not normal parenting so there is no right or wrong here. More will be along with their stories that hopefully can help you.

    Stay strong and KNOW that you are not alone!.