Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tryingtobreathe, May 11, 2017.

  1. tryingtobreathe

    tryingtobreathe New Member

    Why does everything have to include a lie? Why is it too much to expect that my child can form one sentence without telling a lie? It has gotten to the point where I do not believe anything that he says to me. He has no "tells" when he lies. And I end up feeling angry and annoyed when I find out the truth. I know that I can only control my reaction, but I am so tired of having to verify everything. I have nothing left to take away from him - literally (phone, time with friends, leaving the house except for school - it is all gone). I need to remind myself to breathe. Thanks for listening
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hear you. One question to think about: Why do you have to verify anything? Are you verifying things that directly affect you? (like he says, "I took out the garbage?" but you find it oveflowing?) Or are they random lies that don't affect you? (like, "I won $100 in a bet today"). If it's the latter, I'd suggest doing your best to ignore the lies. I had to do this for my own sanity because even when caught in a lie, my Oldest won't admit to it. I spent too much energy trying to "catch" her, and it was just a waste. Now I do my best just nod and smile, or say "that's nice honey."

    Yup, breathe. In, out, in, out :)
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I know that feeling all too well. With my son, if his lips are moving, he's lying.
    As a parent we want so much to believe what our children tell us but when they lie to us time and time again, they completely fracture our trust in them.
    My son like yours had no tells. He's a master at looking me right in the eye and lying.
    Here is where I'm at with the whole lying thing with my son. He can tell me what he wants, he can even tell me what he thinks I want to hear, BUT, the truth is in actions. He has told me so many times that he's going to change, he's going to turn his life around, blah, blah, blah........... I'll "believe" him when I see it in his actions.

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. I know how frustrating and hurtful it can be.

    Hang in there. ((HUGS)) to you.........................
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If he uses drugs, they all lie.
  5. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    Yes, lying seems to be a common theme amongst all of us. As a mom, it still hurts after being lied to for many years. Sometimes I think my son wants to believe his lies as much as he wants to manipulate me! But, as everyone said, you just let the lies go or you will spend way too much energy trying to verify that he is telling the truth. I agree, it's all in the actions.
  6. tryingtobreathe

    tryingtobreathe New Member

    I need to learn how to let it go. With him being a minor, I'm still trying to figure out what I can still do to guide him in the right direction. If I don't have all the evidence that he lied then he won't admit to it. Maybe that doesn't matter...since I know the truth. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of having a child who is manipulative and a liar. It's been 6 years of this and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. I hope it gets easier. Right now it's just a world of pain
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, you know what the truth is. Hold onto that and let it go. If you can prove the lie then by all means do it. Of course if your son is like mine, even when you have concrete proof the denial continues.
    Honey, I've been dealing with my sons manipulation and lies for over 20 years. I gave up a long time ago trying to wrap my brain around it. I have better things to focus my energies on.

    You say your son is still a minor. What is your plan when he's 18? Will you allow him to continue living in your home and if so what will the requirements be? What is the plan if he doesn't abide by your rules?
    If you haven't given thought to this I suggest you do. Be as prepared as you can be for when he turns 18.
  8. tryingtobreathe

    tryingtobreathe New Member

    He is 15 years old and will graduate right before he turns 19 (if he graduates on time). Where we live, he is our legal responsibility until he turns 19 or graduates highschool (whatever comes first). My husband and I have talked about what will happen at that time. We are following all the steps to make sure that he is self sufficient at that point in his life, but.....well, you know. We agree that he can't stay here. We need a break and his siblings need a break. We have encouraged him to get a job and start saving money. Not sure if college will be an option (or even a desire of his at that time - he says it is, but he isn't taking the necessary steps for that to be a reality). We have some savings bonds (that are his from birthday gifts, etc). It will be enough to pay for a security deposit and first months rent. He is unaware of this. He sees no reason to work. it is possible that things will turn around in the next few years. If they do then we will re evaluate, but I am not holding my breath.
  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's good you and your husband have a plan. As "plans" go, they don't always work out the way we would like, but at least you are thinking about options down the road.
  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Don't pay for his college and don't co-sign the lease. We did both and the only thing we got out of it was deeper in debt.
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    While I agree with this in no way am I trying to justify anything our children are doing or to minimize the pain and heartache and mistrust that their actions engender. On the contrary.

    My son seems to want to construct a self-image that "presents well" to please me and to maintain his own self of himself that he is capable. Sometimes it is manipulation of others, namely me or M. Other times, it seems to be self-deception as well, the need to maintain to himself that he is a reasonable and rational actor and doing better or "well."

    This kind of self-deceit, I think, to some extent, is near universal. I know I judge myself harshly for the times in my life I deceived myself about my own motivations.
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    Last edited: May 17, 2017
  12. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    On a slightly less serious note, but still on this subject: I remember years ago when the subject of our children lying came up, the catch-phrase was: How do you know your child is lying? His lips are moving!!!

    Love, Esther
  13. Belle

    Belle New Member

    Another sympathiser here. It's a sorry thing to admit but I no longer believe about 90% of what my son (in his 30s) says to me. That's how it is now. Another close family member who helps me try and deal with 'my situation' often says, 'I don't think even he can keep up with the lies and stories he tells us.' I think to myself, why? Life would be so much easier without having to try and keep track of so many false stories!