Me again...Question?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tracyf551, Jan 17, 2009.

  1. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    Awhile back I read in one of the posts about a phase and I cannot remember what the exact term was. It was something along the lines of when you put everything in difficult child's hands and you feel relief. Like you have felt like you are totally done with all the **** and what ever happens happens. Anyone know what Iam talking about. Its like I am finally at peace after all these years and feel like I don't have to be the victim anymore.
    i have felt like this since Wednsday morning. difficult child showed up here before I left for work to show me the fine he got for the underage drinking offence. (Why I don't know) i explained to him he had until 1/20/09 to make the first payment and if he did not make payments they will put a warrent out for him. I told him I will not pay it and if he does get picked up not to call and ask me to bail him out. His excuse was he could not get a job without ID (he has no drivers license) so I gave him the only thing I could think of, an old (2 years old) school ID and his ss card. I told him this is all the ID he currently has and it is out of my hands. I can not help him. Once again he made an excuse saying he still would not have the money by the date due and I told him this is what I had tried to tell him from the beginning. If you do something wrong and get caught you have to face up to it.
    Now this next part may sound totally cold and "un-mom" like....I truely think difficult child needs to get picked up. My reasons......................
    1. I will know where he is
    2. He will be eating a meal and hopefully gain some weight (he looks horrible)
    3. Maybe, just maybe, he will see the light.
    4. It will give him a chance to slow the merry-go-round he is on and think about things and see we aren't so bad of a family.
    Life seems to be passing him by and he doesn't even know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thanks for listening everyone and if you can think of that phase could you let me know? Because I THINK I AM THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:peaceful:
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Not sure of a phrase, though there is the Serenity Prayer. Many of us find that helpful.

    I do not find your actions un-mom-like. I find them to be the actions of a mother who loves her son and does not want to enable his use of alcohol and drugs. A mother who wants her son to wake up and see what he needs to do to have a future.

    Sending hugs and lots of support!

  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I think you are looking for "Detached"? You are detaching yourself from his responsibilities. He is trying to make you accountable for his actions. You have learned that his problems are not your problems. You can advise him but you do not DO the work for him. It is up to him to pay that bill, find a job, do the work.

  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It's called detachment....and it is a difficult child's parent's only sanctuary. Sometime you just have to step back and let natural consequences take place. It was only when I allowed my 19 year old difficult child sit in county jail for 23 days with no contact from me---his dad did go and see him---and refused to call in any favors---I live in a small town and can get things done with a drop of a hat----that he began to change. It was hard. I had enabled for years thinking I was "helping." I know now that I was doing him more damage.

    Today my son is working and looking towards the future for the first time. I talked to his boss tonight at a social function. I thanked him for giving difficult child a chance and expecting him to do what he is capable of doing. difficult child is slowly gaining more responsibility at work and is now in charge of training others. This is a long way from the mess he was two years ago. If I had not allowed him to hit bottom, if I had not stopped enabling hiim, this change could not have taken place.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yep. Welcome to Detachment 101. :)

    I guess if you're looking for a phase, it would be "fed up". lol

    But making difficult child live up to his responsiblities is the best thing you can do for him. And yourself too.

  6. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Yup - the word/concept/survival technique you are looking for is detachment.

    Hang in there - detachment is rarely a one time deal. It takes lots (and lots) of practice.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Tracy, the link to the detachment article that goldenguru referred to is in my signature.

    Good luck!

  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Congrats on reaching detachment! It's a continuing process but yes, it gives a great sense of relief and lightness. Things fall back into their proper places, where you take care of your responsibilities and difficult child takes care of his.

    By the way, in PA people can get an official state photo ID from the Drivers Licensing office; my difficult child did this after he had his license suspended for a year. It costs $10 and resembles a drivers license but is just an ID. Any adult who doesn't have a driver's license can get this, they don't have to have had a license to drive in the past.
  9. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Yes, it is detachment and it certainly is a relief! It feels good allow them to be responsible for their own lives without stepping in to fix their messes. Also, it is the only way for them to step up and take the reins and be in charge of their own lives which seems to lead to better things in most cases. You are doing great!
  10. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    Thank you all so much!!! That is it DETACHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am there!!!!! I finally am there!!!! And without the support from you great people I don't think it would of happened. I can never thank you enough.
    I now have the peace and can concentrate on things I negleted in the past. I have realize by "helping" I was enabling and hurting everyone else. It feels like a weight off of my shoulders. He will always be my son and I will always be his mom but I do not have to support him or his actions any longer. He is an adult and he must face the music in this world when he make the wrong choices.
    Again thank you all and I will continue to post because it gives me the strength and power to be my own person without difficult child controlling me anymore!:D
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree also. I have felt the very same way. Actually I am feeling that way now. When my son was in jail I felt the exact same feelings as what you listed. It did help. However he now wants to take suboxone for his oopiate addiction. he doesnt have a job so he wants us to pay and take him to his appointments - well I cant believe him because I dont trust him - I have heard so many stories - I always tried to believe the ones that held hope but he always said I wanted him to get clean my way instead of his way - well his way involves us and money and I am so sick of that - if he cant do it without us then do something else - go to an inpatient place where everything is already there - I would help pay for that but not a very expensive place - I believe if they want to get clean it doesnt matter whether it is plush or not - good luck to you and I completely understand.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You did the right thing. That is the only thing that helped my daughter get her life straightened out--the shock of realizing that Dad and Mom aren't going to be there to help her self-destruct. We can't stop them, but we don't have to help's not good. Welcome to Detachment 101 ;) You're a good mom to be able to pull back and do this. I know how hard it is, but I also know how well it can work. My daughter has been clean for six years now.