Minimize, Deny, and Blame . . . Help Me Process This

[Signorina]

Gosh, SB - I wish we could meet for coffee.

Not judging, now that is a challenge. I think I'm judging JT like crazy. I am so disappointed in him! He has wasted so many opportunities, not to mention his abilities. I think he is too young to realize that these opportunities he throws away may never present themselves again. I also feel upset that he disrespects us every chance he gets

It's just so frustrating - and while setting boundaries helps - setting boundaries is painful. It goes against every grain of the unconditional love we have for our kids.

Just know you are not alone in feeling conflicted.

 

[Kathy813]

Stressbunny, I need to clarify that when my difficult child was 20, I was nowhere near where I am now when it comes to setting boundaries. My husband and I rescued her time after time over a period of many years.

My difficult child is now 29-years-old. I first came here when she was 18. When she was 20, I was still convinced she would "come out of it" and it would just take time and maturity for her to straighten herself out. So, we enabled her behavior by rescuing her from her DUI and numerous job losses and evictions and by doing so just helped her further and further down the path of addiction.

It wasn't until she was 26 that I finally realized she was an alcoholic and addicted to xanax. That is when the years of rehab, halfway houses, and intensive treatment programs started.

I was convinced that there was a fix out there and I just had to find it. Sadly, I finally came to realize that I didn't have the power to fix her . . . only she has that power. So now I have come to the place where I am willing to let go and let God. I still hope that my difficult child will come to the point in her life where she will accept that she needs help and will take advantage of the people in her life now that truly care about her and want to help her.

Whether she does or not is up to her. As I said, though, it took many years to get to this place and the past year of going to a therapist myself has helped me immensely. As I told my therapist yesterday, it has been a year now that I have been going to see her and in that year I don't think my difficult child has changed at all. I, however, have changed greatly and can see now where my obligations as a mother and my difficult child's needs and wants no longer overlap.

The bottom line is that I have no obligation to parent a 29-year-old woman although she will always be my much loved daughter. I hope that makes sense.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

He has wasted so many opportunities, not to mention his abilities. I think he is too young to realize that these opportunities he throws away may never present themselves again.

I felt the exact same way. We offered our daughter so many opportunities and she wasted all of them. Today she will tell you very clearly that she was stupid and kicks herself every day for not taking advantage of what she was offered. I'm not saying your son will feel the same way and I am amazed that ours admits this, but she is living with her choices now and she is struggling and she looks around at her sister and her old friends and she sees with her own eyes better than we could ever tell her, what she is missing. It's sad for me and I wish I could give her those opportunities again but life has moved on and we are not getting any younger and maybe this will help her work harder to get out of the hole she has dug for herself.

Right now, I think I need a break from JT and his world.

Couldn't agree more, I needed a long break for my daughter beforre I could even look at her without a scorn on my face. My hurt and anger were so close to the surface I needed to be away from her to center myself again.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think what some of the "newer" people on this board may not realize is that a lot of the older members here came here when our kids were quite young and we were not dealing with substance abuse. The most common thread back then was ADHD, ODD, and bipolar. Aspergers showed up on the seen a few years later. There was a teen substance abuse forum that was almost dead. It really wasnt an issue many were facing with our pre-teen and early teen kids. Most of us with kids in their mid to upper 30's have been here since they were 10-12. I dont think any of us ever imagined where we would be today. At least not with those 12 year olds.

My son will be 28 in 11 days. I started on this forum when he was 12. Thats a long, long time.

I remember everything Nancy went through with her daughter and actually things are turning out much like I predicted they would! I have a very soft spot in my heart for Nancy's daughter. As it turns out my oldest granddaughter and her daughter share the same birthday.

I dont know what I am trying to say here but maybe its this. Some of us have been agonizing over one thing or another together for years and I dont think it really shows what once was when we only look at what is now. Something like what Kathy was saying about how her and her husband werent near ready to start detaching at 20. For her and I that was 8/9 years ago. No we werent ready then. The older kids on this board were just starting to grow up past 18. It was an all new experience for all of us. We have all learned together along the way.

I dont know...rambling.

 

[BusynMember]

Remember that my daughter who took drugs was also adopted.