Mixed Feelings About Discharge

[On_Call]

Okay, so discharge is set for 3:00 this afternoon. difficult child has been inpatient for more than 30 days and has successfully been weaned from seroquel without much fanfare or any signs at all.

I believe in my heart that nothing more could be accomplished inpatient and that it was a successful hospitalization due to stabilization and removal from medications, etc.

So, how come I'm not completely psyched for discharge? I feel badly about it. During all of his other inpatient stays, I felt horrible every day he was there and couldn't wait to get him home.

Of course, I'm glad he is coming home, but I think I am also nervous and the whole attitude that nothing ever changes anyway is first in my mind. I had that feeling when he went in and I still have it, despite all the positives that have come our way over the past month.

Have I become jaded or too detached? Am I just guarding my hope that things will be better this time or am I just out of hope in that department? Have I reached the point where I'm knocking on depression's door myself?

I am not liking myself for feeling this way this morning, that's for sure.

 

[smallworld]

Jamie, for what it's worth, I think what you're feeling is normal. I think many of us with difficult children live with the worry that no matter how much effort our difficult children, we as their parents, and the professionals who treat them put in, change is very slow. While we're encouraged by the small steps of progress our difficult children are able to make, we're always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If you are concerned that you're becoming depressed yourself, I would definitely encourage you to talk with a doctor. Living this life is very stressful.

Many gentle hugs coming your way. Please let us know how it goes today.

 

[Alisonlg]

Oh Jamie! ::::

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think it's inevitable for us to feel that way. I mean, let's face it. "Inpatient" life is much different than "outpatient" life and as parents we have to have some level of underlying fear that no matter how stable and wonderful things seem to be inpatient, that when re-introduced to the "real world" that life will not be so stable and wonderful. I don't think that means that you're jaded or too detached, nor that you're just out of hope. I think it's to be expected.

I remember as we were leaving our last discharge, my husband turned to me and asked if it would be bad if he turned to the SW and said, "See you in a few weeks!" And the sad part? We laughed. Too jaded? Too detached? Depressed? I dunno. I think we were just trying to cover up the underlying fear with a little humor. Gotta maintain your sense of humor, right?

So, after all of that rambling, I'm just trying to say that I think your mixed feelings and everything are normal. He's been gone for a MONTH! It's no wonder you're nervous and hesitant. The old saying, "history repeats itself..." it's no wonder you're fearful that things may not go smoothly...it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

[DDD]

in my humble opinion there are different stages of facing difficult child issues. The initial shock that your child is a difficult child and not a easy child is a big one.
The ensuing years are spent identifying the exact issues involved
and focusing on finding the best help available. Usually there
then comes a level of stability that we adjust to and "almost"
becomes "normal".

When there is no more apparent reason to anticipate big leaps of
progress, I think there is a huge adjustment necessary. This is,
of course, just my experience. It's not a sense of finality per
se. It's just the acceptance that "this may be as good as it gets". That settling in takes time. The roller coaster turns
into a train track.

Hugs. DDD

 

[On_Call]

Thanks for reading and posting. It felt better just typing that out this morning, I have to say.

I picked difficult child up this afternoon on schedule and we stopped at walmart for a relaxtion cd so he can listen to it at night to help him sleep. We got takeout and our evening went by quite peacefully. easy child and husband were waiting on the steps when we got home and we had a nice little reunion.

I really don't think I'm depressed, although I know this hospitalization so close to the last one (November 2006) hit me different than all the others.

I guess it's just like no matter how many steps forward we seem to take, it's like walking on a treadmill.

I also think that I am totally exhausted. I laid on my bed while the kids took their showers and almost fell asleep, despite having extra caffeine today. I think maybe after this upcoming long weekend - and then getting back to some schedule normality next week will help.

So far so good with difficult child being home. Let's just hope it lasts a bit.

Thanks again for letting me know I haven't totally detached and/or lost 'it'. :wink:

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Lots of hugs and prayers for a smooth transition.

 

[Wiped Out]

Another saying prayers for a peaceful transition. Hugs.

 

[timer lady]

Don't beat yourself up to harshly for the mixed emotions. Seriously, I was happy kt was coming home from 10 months at Residential Treatment Center (RTC), while at the same time terrified. Simply not ready (are we ever?) for the daily chaos that I knew was coming home.

Hoping the transition goes well.

 

[On_Call]

Thanks so much for the additional prayers, good wishes and support. I guess I've just gone into protect myself mode, maybe.

Here it is 11:30 p.m. our time and difficult child is still up. He has convinced himself that he cannot sleep with the seroquel and so he is not sleeping. Every 30 minutes or so, I can hear him up walking around, using the bathroom, etc. - then he stands at the top of the stairs and says "I'm still not asleep". The staff at the psychiatric hospital said that he slept fine after a few nights of restlessness. Could it just be his anxiety/excitement of being home? I do realize that seroquel has a sedative side effect to it, but he's been two weeks or so without it and was sleeping there. Sigh.

Maybe if I go up to bed, he'll settle down. Let's hope so.

I'm going to attempt to get up with a brighter attitude in the morning and not condemn myself any more for feeling a bit torn on the issue. Thanks again, everyone.