More sadness and chaos

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, May 5, 2013.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Just need to vent today. I have been meditating, reading, going to my therapist, all in an effort to find inner peace and to move forward in my life while my difficult child disintegrates before my eyes. Last couple of months have been to summarize, him trying to get off opiates several times, then quickly back to bad decisions, desperation, lies, etc... We gave him title to car we had been paying loan on just to break off the last reason he constantly calles for help with; car is always breaking down gas guzzler, etc... We paid off the loan so we no longer have to care what happens with car. He now has it in being worked on and spent ins money so he can't get it out. Also living in a rental car. I was having a peaceful morning when he called at 6:50 am form his grandmother's phone saying he had no shoes! How does n adult lose his shoes. I put two old pairs on front lawn with $40.00 and he talked to me from driveway. I looked at hi and just repeated over and over go get help You need help. So so so sad. But I have to say tHe meditating and therapy are making me see the situation clearly and I am not so distraught anymore, just sad.
  2. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sending peaceful thoughts and hugs your way
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and to your son.

    Addiction is never pretty.

    Hard as it is, we all need to remember that hitting bottom is the only thing we know of, at least at this time, that will make a difference for our addicted loved ones. And they are our loved ones. Whatever they've done, however far from where we ever imagined they would be...we love them. We are all a little helpless, in the face of that. But loving them is not wrong. It is painful to see where their illness, their addictions, have taken them. Sometimes, it takes more courage than we have, just to look into their eyes. Suffering, hopeless child, however old he or she is, looking to us for wisdom, for some way out....

    We need to be very strong, Payla.

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Payla, I am so sorry. I understand your sadness, I feel that same sorrow about my daughter. I'm glad to hear that the meditation and therapy are helping you; I am also comforted by the tools and support I surround myself with, I believe it's the only way to be able to tolerate the situation we find ourselves in. You've done all you can do, you've made healthy choices which are difficult to make, giving him shoes and a few dollars is all you can do now. The rest is up to him. I am in the exact same boat. This mother's heart sends your mother's heart empathy and understanding...........and hugs too.............
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It is sad. I'm so sorry.

    If he had nice shoes maybe he sold them. Who knows?

    Keep meditating and maybe go to narc-anon for face-to-face support.

    Gentle hugs.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It's hard! I'm glad you are in better place. Since my difficult child has gone NC there is much less stress. There was an article in our newspaper yesterday about how self centered alcoholics are, and also how no one can make them seek help until THEY want help. Mine blames everyone for his problems instead of taking responsibility for them himself. Before mine went NC he was posting very strange things on FB, and suicidal messages.

    Just keep in mind, when they get ready, there are a lot of programs out there to help. Sadly, mine told me he had rather sleep in the woods than go to a shelter. I remind myself often it is his choice, it is out of my control.

    (((huggs and prayers for a peaceful day)))
  7. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Payla , I too feel your pain and am in the same position. I have posted here before but am generally just a "lurker" because most times the situation is just too big for my head-too painful to express it, analyze it, solve it. My son is in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital and was begging me to let him stay with him "just till I find a place to crash".

    But everytime I've let him do that, the end result is the same and like you, through therapy, I am learning to see how I am infantilizing him with my help. It is THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO. This kid has done all the standard difficult child behaviors-even put me in the ICU for 5 days and I am STILL seeing him as this 12 year old lost boy. (he's 24, but IS lost, nonetheless)

    Sorry-not trying to hijack your thread, just letting you know that I understand your sadness and am sending you good vibes and a prayer for strength and courage for ALL of us!
  8. Payla

    Payla New Member

    So sorry for your pain. I am finding the detachment philosophy, meditation, therapy, and prayer are helping me live a good life while feeling the sorrow. It is what it is. We all have our own journey, including our adult children. If their journey is awful, it is theirs not ours. One thing you have to work on is not thinking of him as your 12 year old! That is your brain stuck in old patterns and your emotional side only with no logic. Back up to looking at it from the big picture as a stranger, and remind yourself he is a grown man, over and over. Get out of the emotional mind and into the wise mind, where you acknowledge the sadness but recognize the reality. It is hard work but the right thing to do for you and your son.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well said Payla........
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    That was exactly right, Payla. Other moms can love their children from that core of mother love seeded and grown from infancy on. We need to be stronger.

    Very hard to do.