Mother’s Day?

[New Leaf]

To all of us who live as we do going through the roller coaster of this life with the extreme emotions of parenting children with addiction, then dealing with them as adults refusing to grow up.
Hallmark does not make cards for mother’s of addicts.
When the road becomes rough
And your heart has broken so many times
Into so many pieces
You pick yourselves up
And carefully glue
Those shards together
You did not cause this
Cant control it
Cant cure it.
Hang on
Hang on to the memories
Of simpler times
Know that you did your best
And the rest
Give it to God.
Breathe
Meditate
Regroup
Live
Pray
Hope
Cry when you have to
Carry on warrior sisters.

Lamentations
I have not written as much here as I used to. This place is a refuge for so many and I am grateful. But I am so weary. Please forgive me for not visiting as often, but after years of this struggle, I had to put my mind to rest for a bit and focus on raising my granddaughter. Just 13, she has been through more heartache than any soul should be made to bare.
As we all have.
Recently, her mother gave birth to another child. Was on the streets up until a week before birthing him, went to rehab with the ultimatum of either go to jail and lose the baby, go to rehab and keep him.
Sigh.
And so began another journey into this realm of hope balanced with the reality of addiction, the memories of chaos, the possibility of relapse. Family visits were encouraged, and so my grands who had not seen their mother for three years were thrown back into the ring. I have photos of their smiling faces, basking in the glow of reunification. Yet, the embers of horrific memories, slowly burned within. The acting out after each visit. Too many unspoken words. Too much heartbreak for a young mind to fathom mixed with the joy of seeing their mother. Hope can be a dangerous thing.
That proved true with yesterday’s call from the social worker.
“Happy Mother’s Day” she said, my heart dropped. It was no random call.
“We have some concerns.”
Tornado broke the rules of the rehab. She was to be released immediately.
Nowhere to go. “Would you take her and the baby into your home?”
Tick, tock.
Time stood still as years of memories of the revolving door flooded my mind. The countless times hubs and I took in our daughter to help her and our grands, an invitation for chaos and hardship. Theft. Lies. We thought we were helping, it never, ever worked. If anything it only prolonged the agony for all of us.
I had already told my daughter that the revolving door was closed, that she was capable of taking care of herself, that rehab had tons of resources for housing, jobs, childcare. “Would you take the baby?” She asked me, soon after giving birth. She said “only as a safeguard, just in case.” “In case of what?” I said. “In case you relapse? You need to know that I love you, I love my grandchild, but I will not take care of him. He is your responsibility. Stay the course.”
I said this to her several times over visits in the last four months. I am too old, I have arthritis, it wouldn’t be fair for me, my granddaughter or this baby.
I held him many times and marveled at what he had already survived. On the streets since conception. Exposed to drugs and God knows what else. His brothers and sister visited as well. Their faces gleamed with connection to their half brother. Visions of reunification must have been dancing through their hearts and minds.
All of this flooded my mind.
I heard myself telling the social worker “No, I will not allow my daughter to stay here.”
“She has no place else to go and the baby will be placed in an emergency shelter.” She replied.
Gulp.
“My daughter will not listen to me. She broke rules at rehab, it will be no different here, I can’t allow that in my home.”
“We would set up a safety plan. She can leave but the baby would have to stay.”
I had already told this social worker that I was physically incapable of caring for an infant.
I cried as I spoke with her, the lump in my throat welling into a mountain.
My two well daughters were with me at the time of this call and after I hung up, my heart broke into a million pieces again and I wailed and sobbed that hard gut wrenching grief that rose up from my innards. My granddaughter was visiting with her brothers, so was not present.
My girls consoled me and told me it was the right decision, that there was no way their sister could be back home, that I was not able to take care of her baby.
Yesterday afternoon I had to explain to my granddaughter what happened and why I would not house her mother. She was silent. Her aunty had already briefed the three kids. Lest they find out through social media. They should know. Of course they are devastated. It’s the same old same old all over again.
I am wavering between anger and sadness, but not wavering on my course to keep my house sane. I am not cold hearted. I feel for this grandchild who will now enter the system at such a young age. I am so sad. But, I know that there are two lives at stake here. His and his mothers. She will not see a need for change if she lives with me, that is exactly what she wanted all along. We all would be thrown down the rabbit hole again.
I cannot and will not go there.
I am at work trying to get through this day putting on the brave face while my insides are churning.
I am praying for peace.
Praying for my grandchild.
Praying that his mother will wake up from this nightmare.
It is too much to bare.
Lord please help.
New Leaf

 

[Mamacat]

To all of us who live as we do going through the roller coaster of this life with the extreme emotions of parenting children with addiction, then dealing with them as adults refusing to grow up.
Hallmark does not make cards for mother’s of addicts.
When the road becomes rough
And your heart has broken so many times
Into so many pieces
You pick yourselves up
And carefully glue
Those shards together
You did not cause this
Cant control it
Cant cure it.
Hang on
Hang on to the memories
Of simpler times
Know that you did your best
And the rest
Give it to God.
Breathe
Meditate
Regroup
Live
Pray
Hope
Cry when you have to
Carry on warrior sisters.

Lamentations
I have not written as much here as I used to. This place is a refuge for so many and I am grateful. But I am so weary. Please forgive me for not visiting as often, but after years of this struggle, I had to put my mind to rest for a bit and focus on raising my granddaughter. Just 13, she has been through more heartache than any soul should be made to bare.
As we all have.
Recently, her mother gave birth to another child. Was on the streets up until a week before birthing him, went to rehab with the ultimatum of either go to jail and lose the baby, go to rehab and keep him.
Sigh.
And so began another journey into this realm of hope balanced with the reality of addiction, the memories of chaos, the possibility of relapse. Family visits were encouraged, and so my grands who had not seen their mother for three years were thrown back into the ring. I have photos of their smiling faces, basking in the glow of reunification. Yet, the embers of horrific memories, slowly burned within. The acting out after each visit. Too many unspoken words. Too much heartbreak for a young mind to fathom mixed with the joy of seeing their mother. Hope can be a dangerous thing.
That proved true with yesterday’s call from the social worker.
“Happy Mother’s Day” she said, my heart dropped. It was no random call.
“We have some concerns.”
Tornado broke the rules of the rehab. She was to be released immediately.
Nowhere to go. “Would you take her and the baby into your home?”
Tick, tock.
Time stood still as years of memories of the revolving door flooded my mind. The countless times hubs and I took in our daughter to help her and our grands, an invitation for chaos and hardship. Theft. Lies. We thought we were helping, it never, ever worked. If anything it only prolonged the agony for all of us.
I had already told my daughter that the revolving door was closed, that she was capable of taking care of herself, that rehab had tons of resources for housing, jobs, childcare. “Would you take the baby?” She asked me, soon after giving birth. She said “only as a safeguard, just in case.” “In case of what?” I said. “In case you relapse? You need to know that I love you, I love my grandchild, but I will not take care of him. He is your responsibility. Stay the course.”
I said this to her several times over visits in the last four months. I am too old, I have arthritis, it wouldn’t be fair for me, my granddaughter or this baby.
I held him many times and marveled at what he had already survived. On the streets since conception. Exposed to drugs and God knows what else. His brothers and sister visited as well. Their faces gleamed with connection to their half brother. Visions of reunification must have been dancing through their hearts and minds.
All of this flooded my mind.
I heard myself telling the social worker “No, I will not allow my daughter to stay here.”
“She has no place else to go and the baby will be placed in an emergency shelter.” She replied.
Gulp.
“My daughter will not listen to me. She broke rules at rehab, it will be no different here, I can’t allow that in my home.”
“We would set up a safety plan. She can leave but the baby would have to stay.”
I had already told this social worker that I was physically incapable of caring for an infant.
I cried as I spoke with her, the lump in my throat welling into a mountain.
My two well daughters were with me at the time of this call and after I hung up, my heart broke into a million pieces again and I wailed and sobbed that hard gut wrenching grief that rose up from my innards. My granddaughter was visiting with her brothers, so was not present.
My girls consoled me and told me it was the right decision, that there was no way their sister could be back home, that I was not able to take care of her baby.
Yesterday afternoon I had to explain to my granddaughter what happened and why I would not house her mother. She was silent. Her aunty had already briefed the three kids. Lest they find out through social media. They should know. Of course they are devastated. It’s the same old same old all over again.
I am wavering between anger and sadness, but not wavering on my course to keep my house sane. I am not cold hearted. I feel for this grandchild who will now enter the system at such a young age. I am so sad. But, I know that there are two lives at stake here. His and his mothers. She will not see a need for change if she lives with me, that is exactly what she wanted all along. We all would be thrown down the rabbit hole again.
I cannot and will not go there.
I am at work trying to get through this day putting on the brave face while my insides are churning.
I am praying for peace.
Praying for my grandchild.
Praying that his mother will wake up from this nightmare.
It is too much to bare.
Lord please help.
New Leaf

Oh my New Leaf! That’s almost too much for one mother to bear. I cannot imagine. You are brave and strong. You did what had to be done. God help New Leaf and her daughter and granddaughter and entire family.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh my New Leaf! That’s almost too much for one mother to bear. I cannot imagine. You are brave and strong. You did what had to be done. God help New Leaf and her daughter and granddaughter and entire family.

Thank you so much Mamacat, I so appreciate your kindness.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Newt Leaf

I am heartbroken with you. I am so, so very sorry. These are exactly the circumstances my son was born into. Two parents, homeless and drug addicted. He was placed in a crisis nursery and was there until I came along when he was 22 months old. His birth parents were still in "parent reunification." For what earthly reason, I am unclear. I don't know how I had the courage to take in a child under these circumstances. I guess it was either denial or blind faith. By this time my son's birth mother had already given birth to many children, none of them under her care. Her mother was raising 4 and could not take in a 5th. Still, my son's birth grandmother visited him. How very hard for her it must have been. I think of her often.

I guess I repeated all of this because I am well-aware of the multi-generational burden of what you describe. My son will carry wounds for his whole life, and so will I. I tell you all of this (maybe again) to reaffirm to you that you are not the first or last mother to walk this horrible walk, alone. I know you know this and it won't make it easier to bear.

But maybe it will help you put this burden and horror into it's due context, which is this. Your daughter has neglected her children for their whole lives. She has exposed them to harm, to disappointment, to abandonment and to betrayal. Who knows if she sent her father to an early grave. She is certainly responsible for monumental pressure and exposing him to pain and suffering his tender soul could not bear. She has treated you with undeserved anger, targeted you with undeserved vitriol and abuse. She has overrun your home with indifference and brazenly.

And now this. Causing you this agony of loss of a grandchild you can't protect. You couldn't protect any of her other children and you can't protect this baby.

She brings a new tender soul into this life and she abandons him to his fate. She has done this. She has done this to him and she has done this to you. And again she has exposed her children to hurts that they could not have the capacity to bear. Having to face the loss of an infant brother.

Oh. I am not without empathy and I am not blaming her. But I am holding her responsible. As she must someday hold herself. She has been incognizant and uncaring of whatever hurt and danger she has brought onto all who love her. And now with this new iteration, she has done so again.

I really feel a kind of hate for the system that presents to you a burden and responsibility that is not yours to bear. One more time. I find it unfeeling and uncaring and morally wrong. You deserve all of the care, nurturing and safety that you can muster now, New Leaf. I am so very sad reading this, but I am glad you came to us.

Love, Copa

 

[ksm]

I am so sorry, New Leaf. You shouldn't have been put on the spot. I think it is best at that young age that he be placed where his mom can't come and go as she pleases. Many foster families start with the idea that they can adopt if the child is not reunited with a parent. I will pray that he is placed with a family that will love and cherish him.

Can you have "interested party status? At least that is what it is called here. I would get notices oh meetings and hearings and visitation. I too have been struggling with a great grandchild and hoping I can help his mom leave the unhealthy relationship she is in. As of today, it is over...I am hoping she is strong enough and get the help she needs to be a good single mommy... ksm

 

[newstart]

To all of us who live as we do going through the roller coaster of this life with the extreme emotions of parenting children with addiction, then dealing with them as adults refusing to grow up.
Hallmark does not make cards for mother’s of addicts.
When the road becomes rough
And your heart has broken so many times
Into so many pieces
You pick yourselves up
And carefully glue
Those shards together
You did not cause this
Cant control it
Cant cure it.
Hang on
Hang on to the memories
Of simpler times
Know that you did your best
And the rest
Give it to God.
Breathe
Meditate
Regroup
Live
Pray
Hope
Cry when you have to
Carry on warrior sisters.

Lamentations
I have not written as much here as I used to. This place is a refuge for so many and I am grateful. But I am so weary. Please forgive me for not visiting as often, but after years of this struggle, I had to put my mind to rest for a bit and focus on raising my granddaughter. Just 13, she has been through more heartache than any soul should be made to bare.
As we all have.
Recently, her mother gave birth to another child. Was on the streets up until a week before birthing him, went to rehab with the ultimatum of either go to jail and lose the baby, go to rehab and keep him.
Sigh.
And so began another journey into this realm of hope balanced with the reality of addiction, the memories of chaos, the possibility of relapse. Family visits were encouraged, and so my grands who had not seen their mother for three years were thrown back into the ring. I have photos of their smiling faces, basking in the glow of reunification. Yet, the embers of horrific memories, slowly burned within. The acting out after each visit. Too many unspoken words. Too much heartbreak for a young mind to fathom mixed with the joy of seeing their mother. Hope can be a dangerous thing.
That proved true with yesterday’s call from the social worker.
“Happy Mother’s Day” she said, my heart dropped. It was no random call.
“We have some concerns.”
Tornado broke the rules of the rehab. She was to be released immediately.
Nowhere to go. “Would you take her and the baby into your home?”
Tick, tock.
Time stood still as years of memories of the revolving door flooded my mind. The countless times hubs and I took in our daughter to help her and our grands, an invitation for chaos and hardship. Theft. Lies. We thought we were helping, it never, ever worked. If anything it only prolonged the agony for all of us.
I had already told my daughter that the revolving door was closed, that she was capable of taking care of herself, that rehab had tons of resources for housing, jobs, childcare. “Would you take the baby?” She asked me, soon after giving birth. She said “only as a safeguard, just in case.” “In case of what?” I said. “In case you relapse? You need to know that I love you, I love my grandchild, but I will not take care of him. He is your responsibility. Stay the course.”
I said this to her several times over visits in the last four months. I am too old, I have arthritis, it wouldn’t be fair for me, my granddaughter or this baby.
I held him many times and marveled at what he had already survived. On the streets since conception. Exposed to drugs and God knows what else. His brothers and sister visited as well. Their faces gleamed with connection to their half brother. Visions of reunification must have been dancing through their hearts and minds.
All of this flooded my mind.
I heard myself telling the social worker “No, I will not allow my daughter to stay here.”
“She has no place else to go and the baby will be placed in an emergency shelter.” She replied.
Gulp.
“My daughter will not listen to me. She broke rules at rehab, it will be no different here, I can’t allow that in my home.”
“We would set up a safety plan. She can leave but the baby would have to stay.”
I had already told this social worker that I was physically incapable of caring for an infant.
I cried as I spoke with her, the lump in my throat welling into a mountain.
My two well daughters were with me at the time of this call and after I hung up, my heart broke into a million pieces again and I wailed and sobbed that hard gut wrenching grief that rose up from my innards. My granddaughter was visiting with her brothers, so was not present.
My girls consoled me and told me it was the right decision, that there was no way their sister could be back home, that I was not able to take care of her baby.
Yesterday afternoon I had to explain to my granddaughter what happened and why I would not house her mother. She was silent. Her aunty had already briefed the three kids. Lest they find out through social media. They should know. Of course they are devastated. It’s the same old same old all over again.
I am wavering between anger and sadness, but not wavering on my course to keep my house sane. I am not cold hearted. I feel for this grandchild who will now enter the system at such a young age. I am so sad. But, I know that there are two lives at stake here. His and his mothers. She will not see a need for change if she lives with me, that is exactly what she wanted all along. We all would be thrown down the rabbit hole again.
I cannot and will not go there.
I am at work trying to get through this day putting on the brave face while my insides are churning.
I am praying for peace.
Praying for my grandchild.
Praying that his mother will wake up from this nightmare.
It is too much to bare.
Lord please help.
New Leaf

New Leaf, I see and feel you. I pray for you with all my heart. I pray for a miracle and miracles still do happen. You are doing what you have to do to survive. You are the best mother. Happy Mother's Day.

 

[New Leaf]

I am heartbroken with you. I am so, so very sorry. These are exactly the circumstances my son was born into. Two parents, homeless and drug addicted. He was placed in a crisis nursery and was there until I came along when he was 22 months old.

Copa, you have been such a support along this journey. I am so sorry that you have suffered so all of these years with the repercussions of your son’s circumstances.

His birth parents were still in "parent reunification." For what earthly reason, I am unclear. I don't know how I had the courage to take in a child under these circumstances.

This is the hard part, the quest for reunification. I suppose in some psychologists theory, a child will always yearn for their birth parent and these parents do have rights under the law. My Hoku would take her nephew in an instant, if her sister would sign him over. That will not be possible under the current rule.

I guess I repeated all of this because I am well-aware of the multi-generational burden of what you describe. My son will carry wounds for his whole life, and so will I. I tell you all of this (maybe again) to reaffirm to you that you are not the first or last mother to walk this horrible walk, alone. I know you know this and it won't make it easier to bear.

It is a sad fact that I am in the company of many who suffer such torture, because that’s what it is torture.

But maybe it will help you put this burden and horror into it's due context, which is this. Your daughter has neglected her children for their whole adult lives. She has exposed them to harm, to disappointment, to abandonment and to betrayal. Who knows if she sent her father to an early grave. She is certainly responsible for monumental pressure and exposing him to pain and suffering his tender soul could not bear. She has treated you with undeserved anger, targeted you with undeserved vitriol and abuse. She has overrun your home with indifference and brazenly.

This is all true and I have struggled with this reality and the hard fact that things did not change at all, the more we tried to help. Tornado has to figure out her life choices. I had hoped that maybe this time things would be different. But, the elephant in the room is that she remained on the streets almost up to her due date and entered rehab to avoid jail. I should have read the writing on the wall.

And now this. Causing you this agony of loss of a grandchild you can't protect. You couldn't protect any of her other children and you can't protect this baby.

It is the hardest part to see an innocent have to suffer the consequences of another’s choices.

She brings a new tender soul into this life and she abandons him to his fate. She has done this. She has done this to him and she has done this to you. And again she has exposed her children to hurts that they could not have the capacity to bear. Having to face the loss of an infant brother.

This is my biggest concern for my older grands, that they have been thrown into this trauma once again.

But I am holding her responsible. As she must someday hold herself. She has been incognizant and uncaring of whatever hurt and danger she has brought onto all who love her. And now with this new iteration, she has done so again.

This is true. But I don’t know if she has the capacity to stop herself. It’s pathological to continue to hurt others in this way.

I really feel a kind of hate for the system that presents to you a burden and responsibility that is not yours to bear. One more time. I find it unfeeling and uncaring and morally wrong. You deserve all of the care, nurturing and safety that you can muster now, New Leaf. I am so very sad reading this, but I am glad you came to us.

I spoke with the social worker today, she called looking for a Tornado. I told her that this is so difficult but I have my reasons for standing my ground. She acknowledged that and said that it is her job to explore all avenues of kinship care. I guess there have been instances where families have changed their minds. I will be okay, Copa. I just have to give this to God and process the hurt. Thank you so much for your wisdom and kindness.

I am so sorry, New Leaf. You shouldn't have been put on the spot. I think it is best at that young age that he be placed where his mom can't come and go as she pleases. Many foster families start with the idea that they can adopt if the child is not reunited with a parent. I will pray that he is placed with a family that will love and cherish him.

Thank you KSM for taking the time to write. I know you have struggles of your own. I pray as well that he finds a nurturing, stable home. I am sure he is traumatized at this point. Hopefully the people caring for him have the capability to help him.

Can you have "interested party status? At least that is what it is called here. I would get notices oh meetings and hearings and visitation. I too have been struggling with a great grandchild and hoping I can help his mom leave the unhealthy relationship she is in. As of today, it is over...I am hoping she is strong enough and get the help she needs to be a good single mommy...

I spoke with the social worker about being able to have visits. It is still very early so down the road I think it is possible.
I hope your daughter can put her child’s interests first and find herself, her strength.
I still hold that out for Tornado, but her track record is not looking too good right now.
Sigh.
Thank you so much.
I would not wish this journey on anyone, yet here we all are.
Much love
Leaf

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf, I see and feel you. I pray for you with all my heart. I pray for a miracle and miracles still do happen. You are doing what you have to do to survive. You are the best mother. Happy Mother's Day.

Thank you so much Newstart, prayers are powerful. I will continue to pray for my daughter and grandson. Happy Mother’s Day to you dear.
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

My Hoku would take her nephew in an instant, if her sister would sign him over. That will not be possible under the current rule.

New Leaf, I don't understand this part. What is this "current rule" that you speak of that would preclude Hoku from taking the baby? This sounds insane to me. Where I live I am under the impression that the County seeks primarily and first to place babies with extended family, as they have sought to do with you? Why not Hoku? Would Tornado go along with this?

At the same time, ksm raises a valid point, that the baby may be better off where Tornado can't get to him. But there is the recognition that children do better with capable and loving extended birth family members, than with stranger adoption, as was the case with my son.

My son has only had anger and resentment to his birth parents, and never expressed yearning. He felt abandoned. But blames them. He has shown no interest in being involved with his birth family, including siblings. In our case he has fully loved and accepted me as his mother and his family. What happens though, is I am the only one he can target. I think he knows it's inappropriate to project all of this onto me, but he can't really (yet) help himself. I am writing this because I want you to know that should the baby be adopted out, somebody will love him like I have loved my son all of these years.

 

[MissLulu]

Oh New Leaf, I sobbed for you when I read this post. She has put you in an impossible situation, and you have made the only choice you could have. My heart is broken for you and for your grandson. I will hold you and him in my thoughts and prayers. This really is too much for one mother to bear. Please lean on us if it helps.

 

[Copabanana]

Good Morning New Leaf

I came here to have coffee with you and realized I had accidentally changed your name, above.

Dear Newt Leaf

I like it. Newt Leaf. Don't newts live in the water? What is it, a kind of fish?

We're all here in this with you. Love Copa

 

[New Leaf]

It’s early here in Hawaii as sleep evades me. I am all too familiar with this feeling, this persistent ache. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Badly. I am a notorious ruminator, playing scenarios over in my mind. It all boils down to knowing I made the right decision, but, the grief.

New Leaf, I don't understand this part. What is this "current rule" that you speak of that would preclude Hoku from taking the baby? This sounds insane to me. Where I live I am under the impression that the County seeks primarily and first to place babies with extended family, as they have sought to do with you? Why not Hoku? Would Tornado go along with this?

Hoku wants nothing to do with her sister. She believes she is toxic. She will not take on this child if that means there is a chance the baby would end up back with his mother.

I am writing this because I want you to know that should the baby be adopted out, somebody will love him like I have loved my son all of these years.

Thank you Copa. There are so many horror stories about foster care and adoption. I have seen the opposite, loving families. Thriving children. I am trying to focus on that. All of the wishes and hopes I have for my daughter to turn around won’t make it happen. This baby is suffering separation trauma and I can’t picture how any mother could allow this to be. Then again, I am allowing it, by not letting my daughter stay here with her baby. How insane is that?

She has put you in an impossible situation, and you have made the only choice you could have. My heart is broken for you and for your grandson. I will hold you and him in my thoughts and prayers. This really is too much for one mother to bear. Please lean on us if it helps.

It is an impossible situation. On the one hand, I trace back my steps and roll the tapes on what would be if I agreed to house my daughter. Like so many, many times before. Would she come round and take yet another chance given her to make things right? Odds are against that, but I will never know.
Will she come round and do the right thing now that she is back on the streets? The social worker is waiting for her to call. Seeing if she will at least engage with her baby.
It is too much. Thank you Lulu for understanding and praying for us.

I like it. Newt Leaf. Don't newts live in the water? What is it, a kind of fish?

I saw that and had a good inner chuckle. A newt is an aquatic salamander, or a not nice politician, as in Gingrich.
I’m going to get up and have a cup of coffee. Clean up a bit. The sun will rise enough for me to feed my hens and clean out their coop, then I will get ready for work.
It will take time for this ache to subside, but being here has helped to work out the endless “what if’s” in my mind.
thank you so much for your loving support.
Semi aquatic but not a salamander,
New Leaf
Ps. I came to this sight after the last horrific exodus Tornado made from my house. I chose the name New Leaf to represent my turning over and away from the thought that my “help” and housing my daughter accomplished anything. It didn’t. I have to keep that in mind.

 

[Copabanana]

This baby is suffering separation trauma and I can’t picture how any mother could allow this to be. Then again, I am allowing it, by not letting my daughter stay here with her baby.

Good morning New Leaf. You have not one thing in the world to do with the suffering of this child. You are not allowing your daughter to stay with you, because she has abused you, overrun your home, and most of all because it has not served her. There is no cause and effect relationship between you and the baby. The cause and effect relationship is between your daughter and the baby. And the cause and effect relationship is between your daughter and you, your daughter and her other children, and your daughter and Hoku, and her other siblings. You caused none of this.

I trace back my steps and roll the tapes on what would be if I agreed to house my daughter. Like so many, many times before. Would she come round and take yet another chance given her to make things right? Odds are against that, but I will never know.

Your daughter is making all kinds of choices, as we speak, that are highly predictive of what she might have done had you opened up to her your home. She stayed on the streets until the last moments, before birth. She entered care, to save herself from jail. She violated shelter rules within days of her baby's birth. She can, at any time, visit him, hold him, engage with family in a respectful and loving way...to help her baby. That I understand she is doing none of these things.

Right now you are torturing yourself, wrongly, by what ifs. You know this is wrong. You can stop it. The responsibility here is Tornado. The options are Tornado's. The weight of this is on Tornado. Examine what is happening, here. Why are you taking this from her? She can step up at any point. She might.

I recognize you are handling your grief and stress and powerlessness by trying to assume the weight of the psychological burden. Please don't. It is self-punitive.

There would be room for some grandmother to take a greater role with a grandbaby. You have examined your health and your situation and the fact that you took on, and still are taking on her other child/children. It seems as if by deciding that you should not take on responsibility for her baby, you've decided to take on the burden of her guilt. Does this really make sense to you? Can you please put this stone down? How is it helping anybody?

 

[Copabanana]

A strong argument can be made that by taking responsibility for her baby, and by not having boundaries about your home and life, you would be enabling your daughter; and enabling her continuing poor choices. She has already made choices that have made inevitable the birth of this child. There is no amount of your continued suffering that can alter what has already been done. It is reality and it is fact. No suffering by you can change it. T

The child's circumstances, right now, have been set by his mother's past choices and her present ones. At any moment she could set into motion another reality for him, for her, and for her other children. She does not. She has the capacity. It takes just one decision. Then another. Then another. Just like for the rest of us. Even with IV Meth use, there is over a 15 percent recovery rate. *I think it's around that; I read it within the year.

I just checked. It's about that. That means 12 to 15 percent of people have not relapsed at all in a 3 year period. But about 60 percent of people go a year without relapse. That's with treatment. And we know that relapse is a part of recovery. That means that these people can and do get themselves back on the wagon. New Leaf. Every single day people decide to change. You know this. M was an alcoholic for 40 years. He began to drink at 15. And then one day, he stopped. And never drank again.

We get so beaten down by our situations we forget to breathe. Right now is that time for you. You are HELPING your daughter by being strong. By having limits. By giving her the opportunity and the space to step up to help herself. I believe this with all of my heart.


That seems small, but it's not. That means people with habits of 10, 15, 20, 30 years stop. One day they stop. I think this is a world of hope. I see these people every day in my town which is on an international drug transit route. We were decimated by meth in the 90's. Now we are not. These people stopped. Your daughter can too. I wish you could hold onto this reality. This is not your fault. None of it.

 

[Crayola13]

My adopted son was put into foster care after his grandmother died suddenly. She was raising her daughter's child because she was a cocaine addicted prostitute. She knew she wasn't capable of raising a child. She did the right thing by giving him up. It wasn't part of the an for him to go into foster care, but grandpa died unexpectedly. She did an amazing job with him. We got him when he was two. He doesn't have a conduct disorder, but struggles with severe depression and anxiety. It was very hard until he was four. We quit working and took him to therapy of different kinds daily. Around age four things got easier. The grandma didn't expect to die so soon. She wasn't really that old.

 

[Copabanana]

Oh Crayola this is a sad but beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[New Leaf]

You have not one thing in the world to do with the suffering of this child. You are not allowing your daughter to stay with you, because she has abused you, overrun your home, and most of all because it has not served her. There is no cause and effect relationship between you and the baby. The cause and effect relationship is between your daughter and the baby. And the cause and effect relationship is between your daughter and you, your daughter and her other children, and your daughter and Hoku, and her other siblings. You caused none of this.

All of this is true. Driven by emotion, my mind goes to many places. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. I am not wavering on my decision to not house my daughter. It is a hard fact that it has never worked.

Your daughter is making all kinds of choices, as we speak, that are highly predictive of what she might have done had you opened up to her your home. She stayed on the streets until the last moments, before birth. She entered care, to save herself from jail. She violated shelter rules within days of her baby's birth. She can, at any time, visit him, hold him, engage with family in a respectful and loving way...to help her baby. That I understand she is doing none of these things.

It has been two days since he was removed from Tornado. Healthier mothers in this situation would do anything to have their child back. I don’t know if any effort has been made today. I have weighed these choices my daughter has made, endangering her unborn child up until he was nearly born. I suppose that’s why the act of engaging with her in rehab sent warning flags within. I had so hoped that it would be different. You are right Copa that she did not enter rehab of her own volition. This in of itself is a precursor to the recent developments.

Right now you are torturing yourself, wrongly, by what ifs. You know this is wrong. You can stop it. The responsibility here is Tornado. The options are Tornado's. The weight of this is on Tornado. Examine what is happening, here. Why are you taking this from her? She can step up at any point. She might.I recognize you are handling your grief and stress and powerlessness by trying to assume the weight of the psychological burden. Please don't. It is self-punitive.

Oh the places my mind will go, and yes it is self torture. Thank you, I need to get my bearings back on track.

There would be room for some grandmother to take a greater role with a grandbaby. You have examined your health and your situation and the fact that you took on, and still are taking on her other child/children. It seems as if by deciding that you should not take on responsibility for her baby, you've decided to take on the burden of her guilt. Does this really make sense to you? Can you please put this stone down? How is it helping anybody?

It is not helping anyone, especially not me, and not my granddaughter. I have to stand my ground. It is not my burden.

A strong argument can be made that by taking responsibility for her baby, and by not having boundaries about your home and life, you would be enabling your daughter; and enabling her continuing poor choices. She has already made choices that have made inevitable the birth of this child. There is no amount of your continued suffering that can alter what has already been done. It is reality and it is fact. No suffering by you can change it. The child's circumstances, right now, have been set by his mother's past choices and her present ones. At any moment she could set into motion another reality for him, for her, and for her other children. She does not. She has the capacity. It takes just one decision. Then another. Then another. Just like for the rest of us. Even with IV Meth use, there is over a 15 percent recovery rate. *I think it's around that; I read it within the year.

You know Copa, I have told myself over and again that my stepping in is not helping. I have told Tornado as well that this child is her responsibility. It is all about choice. She chose to deviate from the course that would help her keep her child, get a job, housing. There is so much help for mother’s in her situation. That’s what I kept telling her.

And we know that relapse is a part of recovery. That means that these people can and do get themselves back on the wagon. New Leaf. Every single day people decide to change. You know this. M was an alcoholic for 40 years. He began to drink at 15. And then one day, he stopped. And never drank again.

Relapse is a part of recovery. The social worker stated she tested clean. She deviated from her day pass plan and got into an “altercation”. That’s all she could tell me. I can only assume the baby was with her at the time. So, she endangered herself and her child. Bad choices. Drug free for four months, but still in that kind of mind frame. She was still contacting her street boyfriend. That was a big clue that she was not ready to change. I asked her why she would stay with someone who was still using? All of this reaffirms my decision to not house her.

We get so beaten down by our situations we forget to breathe. Right now is that time for you. You are HELPING your daughter by being strong. By having limits. By giving her the opportunity and the space to step up to help herself. I believe this with all of my heart.

Thank you Copa. I want to copy this and put it on my fridge.

That seems small, but it's not. That means people with habits of 10, 15, 20, 30 years stop. One day they stop. I think this is a world of hope. I see these people every day in my town which is on an international drug transit route. We were decimated by meth in the 90's. Now we are not. These people stopped. Your daughter can too. I wish you could hold onto this reality. This is not your fault. None of it.

People can stop if they want to. I will hold on to that, and hold on to the fact that nothing I could do, or feel, would make her stop, she has to want it for herself.

My adopted son was put into foster care after his grandmother died suddenly. She was raising her daughter's child because she was a cocaine addicted prostitute. She knew she wasn't capable of raising a child. She did the right thing by giving him up. It wasn't part of the an for him to go into foster care, but grandpa died unexpectedly. She did an amazing job with him. We got him when he was two. He doesn't have a conduct disorder, but struggles with severe depression and anxiety. It was very hard until he was four. We quit working and took him to therapy of different kinds daily. Around age four things got easier. The grandma didn't expect to die so soon. She wasn't really that old.

Thank you Crayola for sharing. I have to hold on to the fact that I am not the only one who would care for and love this child. That at my age, and with health issues, I am not capable of caring for an infants needs. That would not be fair to him, or me, or my granddaughter.
I also feel that it is too easy for his mother to carry on as is, if I take that responsibility. I have to trust that the caregivers who have him now are good people.
The same guardian ad litum that we had two years ago is on baby’s case. The hearing is on Friday. We shall see what comes of this.
I am going to work hard at not kicking myself.
Thank you both so much for your thoughts and kindness.
Much love
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Dear New Leaf

You're a couple of hours later than I am, timewise, and I want to tell you good night. If you are into binge-watching TV on Netflix I want to share with you two wonderful series. I thought Last Tango in Halifax (British) couldn't be beaten, (I watched it twice), but Shtisel, an Israeli series, is even better. I am on my second time with that, too. I love it so so much. If I could tuck you in, New Leaf, I would.

 

[BusynMember1]

We could have taken my daughters son Jaden and felt very guilty not doing it. But we are in our late 60s and feel it would be all around bad if we had taken him and then, due to health or death, upset his young life again. I have no way of predicting how long we will be here and healthy. Jaden needs the same parents for the rest of his life.

I am very sorry and my heart hurts for yours. In our case we were able to talk Kay into giving her sister full guardianship and has not tried to get him back

Prayers and love

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Copa I will check out those shows. I am slowly processing this grief. Hoku is talking about the possibility of taking baby. I am urging her to think it over thoroughly, it is definitely a huge commitment, and will change her little family dramatically.

We could have taken my daughters son Jaden and felt very guilty not doing it. But we are in our late 60s and feel it would be all around bad if we had taken him and then, due to health or death, upset his young life again. I have no way of predicting how long we will be here and healthy. Jaden needs the same parents for the rest of his life.

I think I remember your struggles with this and the hope that Kay would give guardianship to her sister. I am so glad to read that she did. I know the feeling exactly Busy. The rationale behind knowing there is a limit to what we can physically give at our age. Wanting this baby to have a fairer shake at life after facing so many odds at his tender age. The difficult part in all of this is that he is family, blood of my blood. It is the feeling that I have a duty here. But Copa is right in asserting that I am empowering Tornado to take a stance and take on her responsibility.
It still hurts so.
I am trying to put down the stone of guilt. It is not mine to bear.

I am very sorry and my heart hurts for yours. In our case we were able to talk Kay into giving her sister full guardianship and has not tried to get him back

Thank you Busy for sharing. How old is Jaden now? The years pass so quickly by. I am praying for resolve and praying for Tornado and my grandson. I still hold out hope that Tornado will realize what she has lost and try to turn her life around.
much love
Leaf