Motivation....someone help me please.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Aug 1, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Difficult Child will not get up on time for work. Even with me waking him he works a day and then misses a ride the rest of the work days. Does not get it that he is the problem. Blamed his ride so this week I said I will drive you, but I will not wake you. You have to get yourself up.

    Today he slept in, said he didn't insisted I take him to the yard. The owner said he was late missed the work shuttle and they don't need him.
    He is all sad and said I am sad and depressed. I sad no. You feel bad because you know that this is not your rides problem. This is not your bosses problem. This is your problem. You won't go to bed early and you won't wake up on time. No work no money. I told him nothing changes until something changes. You need to make some changes.
    I am so annoyed I dropped him off at home and can't even go into the house. At a McDonalds parking lot typing this.
    He has been going to his bail and rehab meetings, he is clearly off the heavy drugs and admits he still smokes pot on the weekends. I tell him zero tolerance and if he brings drugs home we will ask him to leave. Yes he is In an outpatient rehab that focuses on harm reduction, and they allow them to go to therapy and sessions while they are using. This is in the hopes of providing them with enough education and resources to get them to stop all together.

    Am I expecting too much?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would be very leery that he is clean. Oversleeping/unable to wake up/ no motivation are all signs of drug use. If people are sober, they set an alarm clock and it wakes them up for work. Its not hard to do. Most of us do it.

    We never know if they are sober or not. I thought my daughter was sober many times. In truth, she now tells me she was never sober.

    Pot only on weekends??? I dont know if I would believe that, at the very least, given his nonexistent motivation.

    Wishing you the best!
     
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    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
  3. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    This won't answer your question about your son, but I encourage you to start focusing on yourself rather than him. Al-Anon has been a godsend for me and I strongly recommend it. It will help you learn to detach with love and eventually, set a firm boundary with your son. It will help you to let go of his choices and even your husband's, and to keep the focus on you.

    I know this might be a frustrating answer, but from this vantage point at least, it seems like you might be too close to the action to consider your options rationally. It would be impossible for me NOT to be emotional too, so I get it.

    I am sorry he continues to struggle. I hope you will consider giving Al-Anon another shot - I think you may have mentioned you tried it in the past and did not like it. Each meeting has a somewhat different character, so I really encourage you to try again. It has made a huge difference in my life.
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I have looked up alanon and naranon in my area I will give it a shot. I am so tired and frustrated.
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A private therapist can be very helpful too. Get help for YOU. You cant get help for your son.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Littleboylost:

    It's hard not to be so close to it when it's your only child. I get it because our two others are 8 years older so our Difficult Child is like an only child too.

    This is all beyond hard. There is no way to sugar coat any of it. They say what they think we want to hear. They don't want to hurt us but they can't help themselves. They want to do what they want to do. They give us a glimmer of hope and we soar. They screw up and we fall hard.

    There is no easy fix. There is no quick fix. I rarely hear of someone your sons age "getting it". I am still on the highway to hell with almost 22 year old. I am sick to death of it all.

    My son is in sober living - most would rejoice - but I know he is not where he needs to be mentally with this addiction thing. He is nowhere near where he needs to be. Moms know these things. He has been more than educated on addiction and what HE needs to do. I felt it was my job to at least provide that and we have. Again and again and again. I am almost too knowledgeable on it truth be told.

    So today I am going to try to not focus on him and the chaotic life he chooses to lead. I don't get it. Things could be so good.
     
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    We go to a therapists. She is amazing. My son refuses to see her any more because after psychological testing she told him he was addicted to pot.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I get it and I hear you. I feel I owe it to him and his young age to keep allowing him to face the consequences of his actions. Today no work, no pay, he didn't get up on time. I also owe it to him and myself (or rather my conscience), to see how he manages in his academic program. If he does not take it seriously then (and I pray my spouse will support me by then), he will have to be on his own to sort out what it is he needs. Drugs or no drugs you can't be an unmotivated lazy sponge.
     
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  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    How does he afford the drugs? Do you let him manage his own money?

    Very wary of being lethargic, but that's my experience, my son held three jobs on pot and could function. But on narcotics, no. You can use pot on occasion, but I wouldn't allow that either. Do you drug test him? Cause when your clean you can earn privledges....
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Drug testing was a huge battle and as the program he is in currently doesn't drug test I stopped. I told him it is up to him to change his life. I am trying to detach and not be his community jailer. He has a bail officer and rehab counsellor for that. I am not going to manage his money he is almost 18. Hell he has only made it to work a handful of times.

    He does not have money for drugs. He was dealing to support his habit. That is why I called the police, he was ding this feomcmy home. He did not spend his money from his first pay check completely (I have seen what he is spending it on via on line banking).

    Drugs or no drugs he is lazy and unfocused and I have made up my mind to get through the summer and get him back to his academic program. If he doesn't take achool seriously he will have to leave my home.

    Monitoring, babysitting, supporting him and stopping the consequences of his actions to have full impact on him are notgoing to happen any more.

    You earn money and spend it and your broke ....too bad. Tou don't get to your meetings, too bad. You smoke amd have no money for cigarettes, too bad. You don't get up for work, too bad. Suffer the consequences.
     
  11. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    I don't think 17 is that young. I have worked from 14 on, then moved out at 16. I think you should make yourself the priority. Do whatever you have to do to be happy, safe, and peaceful. If he has to go so be it. Maybe he will grow up a bit as a bonus.
     
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  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thanks Pisces I too started working at 13 and was on my own going to College self funded at 17. This child makes me shake my head I just don't know where this attitude is coming from. I do know if it doesn't change he will be headed for a life time of addiction issues and trouble with the law.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh SWOT. It's like watching a train wreck in slow montion. Good and bad that he is my only child. Bad that this is all we get. Good that no siblings have to deal with his crap. I am barely keeping sane with it.
     
  14. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry you live with this stress. I hate it too. Sad I enjoy NOT hearing from son, cause no news generally means ok stuff!

    He will learn the shard way, and it is hard to watch. Hugs to you
     
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Yep, nailed it:roflmao: It's so nice to have someone cut through the BS.

    It reminded me of all the times my son tried so hard to sell his struggles as something original and unsolvable. We called it "terminally unique."
     
  16. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    Oh goodness... I'm so sorry for all of this! Is he depressed? Could that be causing him no motivation? I don't know, but my son does have depression and is an overall lazy kid.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Depression is not selective. It is all the time. If our kid wont get up for work, claiming depressiin, the same kid will be too depressed to party with his friends all night. Or its not depression. I suffered from droression fir years
     
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    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
  18. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    He has been assessed numerous times. Was started on a low dose of antidepressant. Didn't take it said he didn't feel like he needed it. Said he was not depressed. I see a lot of thinking going on with him. It's kind of like he is Jim Carey in the Mask. The Mask is the ugly drug boy and no Mask is my E my beautiful happy funny charming E. I have seen more glimmer of my E over the past few days. He went to the doctor and was very secretive. He has blood work to be done. I said a few posts back that I think he had a real health scare and he asked me to book this appointment for him. He is being tested for Hepatitis and HIV. Which confirms for me what I was suspicious of is that he was begging OV drug use of some sort. I never saw trackmarks but that means morning they are crafty.