My 8 year old

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Klgray, Jan 8, 2017.

  1. Klgray

    Klgray New Member

    I have to say first that Thank God for this place. I feel alone and desperate at this point. My 8 year old was diagnosed with ADHD and conduct disorder. He has no self control. He lies and steals at every turn. We have him on medication but I don't think it is the right thing and quite on honestly the counselor he is seeing is very inexperienced. I feel like I am losing it slowly. I used to be this patient upbeat person and now I am beyond stressed and depressed. I don't know how to parent him. My 12 year old daughter was nothing like this and my 3 year old sees him and has started to mimick some of his behavior. I have tried every form of discipline there is to no avail. I literally feel like I am just losing my grasp on the parenting game.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you give us a little more of a back story? Was he always difficult? Did he have any delays of any kind even if they resolved? Any serious chaos or changing of caregivers in his first three years? See or experience any abuse? Sounds like three yeear old may be having problems too. Where is Dad? Does dad have any issues he could have inherited, such as mental illness.

    Who evaluated your child? Do NOT trust school testing. It's cheap but you get what you pay for. I would take him to a Neuro psychologist privately. They are not neurologists. They are psychologists with special training in the brain and, if reputable, are the cream of the crop as far as evaluating. You can find them in university hospitals and clinics and they take Medicaid if you have that.

    My son's tested him intensively, in all areas, for ten hours. It beats a 50 min session based largely on parent or teachers opinions of behavior and what it means.
  3. Klgray

    Klgray New Member

    Ryan was born a premie and has always been difficult. The hyper activity was there from the get go and he literally has been hard for his preschool and teachers to handle. Last year he was kicked out of school because he was always in trouble. Stealing and not listening hurting other kids. His dad is out of the picture but he does have a step dad. The three year old is fine but picks up on the tantrums and such. Ryan has started trying to hurt others and really thinks it's funny. This is a concern not just for their safety but ours. The therapist has us keep track of it and a sees if there are things that exacerbate him to a point of aggression. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and is in therapy.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The father will never be out of the picture. 50% of his DNA will forever live in in your son. That's why I asked about mental illness in birth father. I have three adopted kids but they carry their birthparents DNA.

    I was wondering if bio. Dad was mentally ill or did not have a conscience. He is the one who could help you figure out what is truly wrong with your son. DNA does matter a lot, not that having a nice step dad is not a good thing. It is, but step dad is not a part of your sons genetics.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You have a LOT going on. I know how you are feeling. My older son never stole from others at that age, or was very violent with others, but he was incredibly violent with us. The more you do now, the better off things could be in the long run. My oldest is now a happy, healthy contributing member of society who is very close to us, and he has worked very hard to repair his relationships with us so that we feel safe around him. He is 25 now.

    I totally agree with a more in depth evaluation. Your son has more going on with him than simple adhd. You need to look in both families for signs of mental illness and you need to have a truly in depth evaluation done. We had what is called a multi-disciplinary evaluation done on my son, but they can be hard to find. Ours was organized by a developmental pediatrician. He worked with a group of six or eight professionals ranging from psychologists of various specialties to psychometrists (people who specialize in giving psychological tests and interpreting the results) to neurologists and medical doctors. Then they all sat down and discussed my son's results until they agreed on what was going on with him and how best to help him. The one thing they didn't include was Occupational Therapy and I think that was a HUGE mistake. Had I known it should have been included, I would have sought it out. In almost every single parent I have seen come here, their child has been given a diagnosis of adhd first, and nothing else is looked for at that time. I think most of our kids started out that way because it is easy to recognize, but it does a big disservice to the entire family because it doesn't treat the problem and then everyone feels like a failure.

    One BIG reason for private evaluations is because school evaluations only look for things that impact school and education. They do NOT, and are not permitted to, look for things that impact the rest of the child's life. In many instances the evaluator could get into trouble for noting things that would impact the child in a non-school setting because they are not being paid for that and they are seen as costing their company, or the school district, money. So a school evaluation looks for problems related only to school. A private evaluation looks at things that impact a child's entire life. I found that this was more thorough, more in depth and overall just more useful.

    I would ignore the ODD label if they slap that onto your son. Sure, he may have what they call ODD. That label won't help anything but make you feel worse. A diagnosis is supposed to point you in a direction to go and get help or treatment. The ODD label doesn't. It just sits there, giving absolutely zero guidelines as to how to get any help or how to give any help to the child. I don't even think it should be a diagnosis until someone comes up with something they can do to help a child with it. Right now all they can do is treat the other disorders the child has and hope the ODD goes away on its own.

    One thing that will be a HUGE help on the road to figuring out what is going on with your son is called a Parent Report (PR). The link in my signature will take you to a description of the PR, plus the outline. The PR was devised by moms who were here long before I was. It is a report that you write that tells every single thing about your child, good and bad and in between. It keeps everything organized and at your fingertips. You take it to every appointment and meeting so that you have everything you need to keep things on track. I cannot tell you how many times I kept us from repeating the same medication a fourth or fifth time when it didn't work the first time by being able to pull up records from a previous doctor in the PR and tell the current doctor that we did that medication back in such date and the results were this and we don't intend to try that again. The PR was helpful with so much more, but this gives a little bit of why.

    There are some books that can help. One is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Also great is What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You by Doug Riley.

    I am sorry things are so hard for you. I hope you can find something helpful in my message. Please use only that advice that is useful in your life and know that no one is upset if advice is not taken. We can only speak from our own situations, so what we say won't automatically fit into your life. Just know that we are here for you.