My life is hell


New Member
I dont' even know where to begin anymore. There is no word on who killed my son. I miss him so much, I can't stand it. I cry all the time. I did meet with a grief counselor today and all I did was cry. The only thing keeps me going is trying to get the reward money up.

Then I finally called my oldest difficult child's lawyer, just briefly he was arrested for agg. assault (larger things dropped) because he missed his last hearing due to my son's funeral. Well they offered a plea of 2-4 years! Great now I'm going to lose antoher son, he told me if he had to go to prison he would kill himself. I'm at my wits end, I can't go on like this anymore.

I'm back at work but all I does is think about these tragedies in my life. It feels so unfair everything that is happening. I don't feel like i can go thru anymore trauma. I'm not telling him, I will wait until next week, atty. can tell him. This is a conference. I guess they want to see if he'll accept it, but atty said to wait it out, he is going to ask it not to leave the table just yet, especially with everything that has hapoened.

I'm in such despair. I've lost so much weight, I can't eat it makes me sick to my stomach. I can't sleep, I think about my 15 y/o baby who died to young and so senseless. I wonder who could do this, it is eating me up inside. I try and talk and let this out of me because I'm so filled with dread. I feel hopeless.


Active Member
Bette, your older son will have to deal with his own problems as they unfold. he cannot make this be all about him. his actions made him be where he is, in fact, may have contributed to your younger son's death by association. sigh a hard place to be. I am sure your older son is riddled with grief and guilt himself, but he will have to face whatever happens. tell him you need him by you. tell him even if they give him 2 yrs he will serve only 1/2 the time if he has good conduct.

I am so sorry for your pain in missing your younger son. it is nor fair and digs deep into your soul. It is amazing you can even work. Whomever shot him knows what he did and will not ultimately get away with it. God sees everything and will deal with that. Do you have a reward fund set up?


New Member
Thanks Janet, I know he has to deal with this, he did this himself, his anger and his abusing pain killers. He wouldn't hurt someone when not on anything. He has a lot of guilt on him, he lost 2 people that day, his brother and friend. He also thinks (but this is not a fact) that it should have been him. Tim was wearing his shirt (but it was a shirt that he hardly ever wore) detetives say no, other guy was most likely target, Tim an innocent victim.

It's just too much all at one time. I've always felt that I was a strong person, I've been thru a lot in my lifetime, I raised 3 boys on my own for 15 years, kept a full-time job the whole time, fought schools for each of my sons, especially Tim, who went thru the ringer with every single school he went to. It was an up hill battle all the time, and we came so far. He succeeded so much it was amazing the last 3 years. Even though school was still hard on him, his life did a big change around. He was happy, he had friends, he had his whole life ahead of him. It's so sad, I can't stand the agony.

I do have a reward fund set up for him. Right now it is held at the Citizen's Bank.

I'm still trying to work on getting him into either the Citizen's Crime Commission or another one I found was Crime Stoppes USA, they told me I shouldn't have to post my own reward. I wrote back and asked how I could get him into their system but I haven't heard back from them yet. I even went to stores major chains in the area and asked if they would be willing to donate, still haven't heard back from them either. I still plug away though, he was an innocent child and this is their neighborhood, I would hope they would want to help. So we will see.

I hope who ever did this is suffering every day. Please keep us in your prayers, there are days, much like today, that I don't think I'm going to make it thru.


Active Member
I know words cannot extend much comfort during this time - but I still wanted you to know that my heart aches deeply for you. You are right, this is all so horrible, tragic, and incomprehensible - but yet your are going to make it through. Just like you have your whole life, you will make it to the other side of this. There is no pain like losing a child, the darkness must seem endless - but you will find that light somewhere, somehow, and it will be soon.

When this storm will find a way to make this into something could be helping others through their own grief, or starting a foundation in your son's name.........but somehow, you will turn this heinous act into something positive...........and then you will see the reason for living again.

My prayers are with you and your sons.
You will make it through, Bette. And we will help you.

Grief is a long, hard process, and it cannot be rushed. Everyone goes through it differently. When a person has completed the grieving process, it does not mean that they will stop missing that whom they are grieving for. It means that the 5 stages have been gone through (denial, sadness, anger, negotiation, acceptance). You will always miss your boy, but one day it will not be crippling.

I pray for you and your family daily. I also pray for the person who did this. He must be very sick, or he would not have done something like this.

one day, you will be able to pray for him too.


Well-Known Member
Hon, I can't say the right thing to make you feel better. I wish I could. But have you contacted "Compassionate Friends?" I know people who found understanding and help in that group and I desperately want you to find people who know what you're feeling and who can help you cope with these times. (((Big hugs)))


Active Member
Bette- I wish I had the magic words to make your pain less. I know I do not.

The burden is very heavy and intense and you are so new to this grief journey. It takes a long time to get better. I say it was like I was walking along the path of life just fine and somebody took a baseball bat and swung at me as hard as possible sending me as far back and deep down as possible, and now I have to climb out. One day you will start climbing out and your heart will start to heal. I'm not sure we will ever heal completely. When your heart is ripping, come here and post (or the other child grief websites I told you about)(although, you have been a member here at conduct disorders for awhile and may be more comfortable here) Whatever works. I think it could be therapeutic to write down the pain you are experiencing. On my worse days I don't usually say much to anybody. I just ride out the painful days because I know they are necessary.

Having your older sons legal worries to think about is making this so much more difficult to handle. I can understand your extreme anxiety. Perhaps losing his brother and going to jail will be what it takes for your oldest son to turn his life around.

How is your middle son holding up?

You and your family are in my thoughts.


PS:I hate to bring this up again but I really think it might be helpful to try reading the posts at There are moms there who's children have been murdered. There are parents there who are going through legal issues surrounding their childrens deaths. Not to mention all the other parents there who have lost children all different ways. You don't have to join to read the posts, just if you want to post something.


Well-Known Member
In our CD family so many of us go through times when we really don't believe we can cope.........and then......somehow..we do.
Your pain has to be unique and excruciating. I have never lost
a child and I can not imagine the depth of your hurt.

Sometimes due to my status as one of the oldest in the CD family,
I am able to share some advice to help. I can't tell you how sorry I am that my suggests remain the same as they were a few
weeks ago. (1) reach out to Compassionate Friends (2) Go ahead
and get on some medication to take the sharpest edges off your pain (3) Know that in the CD family, you have many many friends
that are ready to share your pain in anyway possible.

I tend to think, however, that time is the answer for the ebbing
of your grief. Meanwhile, you need to do whatever you can to make your life as healthy and livable as possible. Taking Lexipro kept me from crying and helped me sleep when my stress was too much to cope with. It also made it possible for me to
eat again. The Board helped me tremendously because it was available 24/7 and I could say anything I wanted to say without
fear of society reacting. Sometimes taking a Warrior Mom stance
helps a bit, and maybe in addition to your local efforts you could contact AMW in case they would profile your case.

Hugs are being sent through cyber space. I wish I could do more.
I guarantee you, however, I will be here to read anything you choose to post. I am your friend. DDD


Well-Known Member
Oh, I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain. My hearts aches for you.
You've gotten some wise words here. This is a good place to come and vent, and get the support you need. You aren't alone.


Bette,you and your family remain in my prayers.I cannot imagine the depth of your pain.

Gottalovem and DDD have given some great resources; I hope these can help you.

Keep posting and know we are all here for you.


Sorry to hear about your oldest's situation (and on top of everything else....).

Hope law enforcement gets a lead on the perpetrator soonest.

Can't begin to imagine your hurt. Big hugs.


New Member
Thank you all so much for your kind words and wisdom.

I was a mess yesterday, and went home and my oldest was a mess. He could never face prison time, that would be the death penalty for him. I'm am hoping that they will consider a rehab, because that's what he needs, help not prison.

I've done a lot of what you all suggested, some has helped a lot. I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting last month, they meet once a month. I also so a grief counselor yesterday thru the Families of Murder Victims. It's a free service from the city, and the man was nice, young, but nice. I cried and cried. I had a very bad day yesterday. And to top it off with my oldest problems is just the icing on the cake.

My middle guy is holding up. I think he keeps it locked in too much, and keep telling him even if it upsets me it is ok to talk to me about how he feels. Not to worry about upsetting me if he needs to talk. I want them to know I am here for them too. We are in this together.

I've been sending e-mails to everyone I can think of that can help me, another thing that is keeping me going. I have a reward fund set up at a bank and I also did another article at another local paper here in Phila. I haven't seen it yet, but a friend of mine said it was a good article.

I have not been to that website yet. Maybe I will lurk about, I do feel very comfortable coming to CD as I've been here a long long time, it's like family!

I also contacted a woman that lives near me who lost her son to violence 2 years ago, they never caught his killer either. It was a car-jacking. It's so sad to see how all these young people are killing each other, and I never thought my family would be touched by such violence. Never would I have dreamed that this could happen to me and I would lose my baby who fought so hard to get to that wonderful loving young man he was becoming.

I better go or I'll start crying again.


Well-Known Member
You have a hard row to hoe, that's for sure. It sounds like you
are doing an awesome job of reaching out and supporting your sons
at the same time. Just keep posting whenever and whatever. Hugs