Mom2oddson
Active Member
I've been struggling lately.
I've been in pain for months. I have achilles tendonitis which means there is pain with every step...mild pain, moderate pain or OMG Cut off my leg now pain. I can have the muscles in the back of my leg cut and I should be better is a couple of months or I can do stretches for up to two years to get it better. And my doctor won't give me physical therapy for the stretches. It's either let me cut you or go figure it out yourself. I don't want to be cut so I suffer.
And the walking funny from the pain has got the sciatic all mad again. So, I hurt sitting, standing, walking or lying down. And it is wearing on me.
Then I have my Job...First - my job is secure and safe as a leaky rubber life raft in shark invested waters. There is a power struggle way up high that is causing trouble for us little people. I'm a contractor and two different agencies are warring to have their way. One wants us, one doesn't. The one that wants us is the highest up agency, the one that doesn't is the one we work for directly.... so the one that doesn't want us has been turning work away. So, I get to sit at my desk for 8 hours and look busy while I have no work. Talk about misery. There is no sense of accomplishment, no sense of purpose, just frustration. And doing nothing for 8 hours wears you out! And new jobs that pay above minimum wage are hard to find. When the beginners position of receptionist at the county was given to a person with a doctorate AND can fluently speak 6 launguages - no wonder I get back letters saying that there were more qualified applicants.
Then we have the kids. Steph how has disowned us and is trying to kill herself slowly with her drugs. Ant who will see us if there is something in it for him. He came to town for five days for my birthday - I saw him at the resturant where my Dad bought every one dinner and then didn't see him again. And then easy child has now decided that he will remain in Minnesota after he graduates from College - and he won't be able to come home for Christmas.
So...I've been at a real loss lately. I read somewhere that "We are hard wired to experience belonging and when we don't we break". I haven't broken....but I am at a real loss of identity. I'm not a Mom anymore - or not an active Mom. And I don't get any satisfaction from my job. I spend my weekends babysitting Grandma - that means I sit at the casino with her for Hours and hours and hours (I pack my kindle with me and get a lot of reading done). husband works nights and I work days so the weekends (when I'm not with Grandma) I get to see him.
I looked into groups/activities to join. They are either in the day so I can't do them or they don't start until after 7pm and when your alarm goes off at 3:30am.... late nights don't work for me.
I'm lacking purpose right now, and feeling very disconnected. If I can't figure out something soon, I'm afraid that depression is going to set in with a vengeance.
Thanks for letting me ramble.....
I've been in pain for months. I have achilles tendonitis which means there is pain with every step...mild pain, moderate pain or OMG Cut off my leg now pain. I can have the muscles in the back of my leg cut and I should be better is a couple of months or I can do stretches for up to two years to get it better. And my doctor won't give me physical therapy for the stretches. It's either let me cut you or go figure it out yourself. I don't want to be cut so I suffer.
And the walking funny from the pain has got the sciatic all mad again. So, I hurt sitting, standing, walking or lying down. And it is wearing on me.
Then I have my Job...First - my job is secure and safe as a leaky rubber life raft in shark invested waters. There is a power struggle way up high that is causing trouble for us little people. I'm a contractor and two different agencies are warring to have their way. One wants us, one doesn't. The one that wants us is the highest up agency, the one that doesn't is the one we work for directly.... so the one that doesn't want us has been turning work away. So, I get to sit at my desk for 8 hours and look busy while I have no work. Talk about misery. There is no sense of accomplishment, no sense of purpose, just frustration. And doing nothing for 8 hours wears you out! And new jobs that pay above minimum wage are hard to find. When the beginners position of receptionist at the county was given to a person with a doctorate AND can fluently speak 6 launguages - no wonder I get back letters saying that there were more qualified applicants.
Then we have the kids. Steph how has disowned us and is trying to kill herself slowly with her drugs. Ant who will see us if there is something in it for him. He came to town for five days for my birthday - I saw him at the resturant where my Dad bought every one dinner and then didn't see him again. And then easy child has now decided that he will remain in Minnesota after he graduates from College - and he won't be able to come home for Christmas.
So...I've been at a real loss lately. I read somewhere that "We are hard wired to experience belonging and when we don't we break". I haven't broken....but I am at a real loss of identity. I'm not a Mom anymore - or not an active Mom. And I don't get any satisfaction from my job. I spend my weekends babysitting Grandma - that means I sit at the casino with her for Hours and hours and hours (I pack my kindle with me and get a lot of reading done). husband works nights and I work days so the weekends (when I'm not with Grandma) I get to see him.
I looked into groups/activities to join. They are either in the day so I can't do them or they don't start until after 7pm and when your alarm goes off at 3:30am.... late nights don't work for me.
I'm lacking purpose right now, and feeling very disconnected. If I can't figure out something soon, I'm afraid that depression is going to set in with a vengeance.
Thanks for letting me ramble.....