My reply to my son ...


hmmm, so, where to start. I could say "this is not about me", but it is. It is about me. This did happen to MY son, I DO hurt, I lost my son, my granddaughters lost their father, a brother is lost, a great grandson is lost. I grieve and I've been abused. I have become depressed and could care less about anything anymore. I've tried a dozen antidepressants all of which do not work and realized that a pill is not going to fix my depression. I am always exhausted because I raised children when I was in my 20's and raising a 7 and 8 year old at 58 is tiring. We all went to bed last night at 9pm. I was first !

I don't need or want you to explain anything to me. I've already had this explanation a dozen times. You are not going to tell me anything I don't already know. If you are, I might not want to hear it because I keep getting more and more depressed and have become non-existant to life. I have sat in my recliner 6 days straight with no bath, shower, food, brushing of teeth or wanting to see or talk to no one. I do what I have to do to get by. This is a sadness like no other.

I can see, me and you, in my truck, and you trying to explain "this or that" and me saying "i don't want to know ____, I've heard it all before, its all the same :censored2: different day" of which you will reply yelling and screaming and scaring me "YOU NEVER LET ME TALK, YOU AND______ NEVER *UCKING LET ME TALK" - ____, its not that I don't let you talk, its that you don't owe me anything, I don't want to hear anything, I don't want to know anything, I don't want to know your plans; I just want to see action. Otherwise I don't want to know anything at all other than are you dead or alive.

I cannot worry about you anymore, whether you are cold, hungry, safe, sick . The worrying made me ill. I don't want to hear you say "I'm ill also mom" because I didn't do this. I can't handle it anymore.

There came a time many months ago, when I told daddy that I can no longer drop you off in _______ because I got sicker and sicker and sicker every time I left you behind. I screamed yelled and sobbed in the truck so hard that I couldn't drive. I wasn't stable to drive. Its sickening dropping you off into the abyss. Yet, I cannot mother you anymore, parent you anymore, raise you anymore. I became hostage to your disease to where I had no life anymore; wouldn't even water a flower-pot that I bought that I loved so much or washed my body for weeks on end. I don't care if you don't shower either - you chose that, that is your choice.

I have raised your daughters since birth. Everything they know and have learned is from me and daddy. I have them right now. NOT because me or ____ TOOK them from you or ______ (like the _ucking :censored2: tried to say the other day) but because did you think we would let them go to a foster home? _uck no - me and ____ share them at our expense, at the risk of our mental health. I don't care if ____ uses alcohol or anything else, or if I do. If I have a prescription its my business, but I put J and S first and we do what grown ups are supposed to do; take care of grown up things, then drink or whatever, have a sip of wine. We DO NOT ever need to explain ourselves to you.

Keep in mind, I say all of this with love. Its time you knew how I felt and where I came from. YOU have already explained to me your plight, your plans, your disease, your depression, your drug habit etc.

Its not my fault, and if I did something wrong raising you, and I am the problem, or if you'd like to blame it on my strict nosy upbringing, then so be it. If all of this is because of me I would gladly stand back and say , sure, if I damaged you, then you don't ever have to see me again for the rest of your life; however, if this is my fault, then you need some very very deep intensive counseling and it is available to you, for free, so help yourself, do it. I'd let you blame it all on me if it would fix it, but it doesn't.

Take A_____ for example. She tells ____ its all ____ fault, horrible upbringing, drinking, drugs, boyfriends, everything. Ok, fine, if ______ is damaged because of her mom, then ______ should get very deep intensive inpatient counseling which she DOESN'T. Its free, do it, go for it ! Point is, don't blame me if you don't want to fix it by getting help. Lets say its not drugs, its a mental illness, or its because my mom was a :censored2: when I was growing up, well then, go get help for your head, mind, body, emotions and everything else . I'm all out of trying to help. You need to help yourself ____.

After you help yourself, then come back to the family. Until then, I can't handle it anymore.

I really hope you are understanding what I am saying. I say it with love - I hope to the heavens and back that you do not take this the wrong way.
This is not a "tell off" email. This is not a one sided conversation.
This IS a loving story, about a mother and a son, both of whom love, love deeply, care deeply and have both lost in more ways than one.
If this conversation was done face to face, more than likely you will take something out of context and it'll be a fight.

Now, the children, S______ smile giggle and confidence have returned. ____ and I have monitored the situation for nearly 2 years now. We never once kept them from you or their mother unless their mother was high , we let her see them. I let you come here every time you asked. I do not understand the nod, I do not like the nod, I do not believe your explanations for the nod and will not put up with the nod any more regardless. It became apparent when I was letting you here often, for the weekends, with the girls, that it did ______ more damage than good for you popping in and out of her life. She/they need stability and either you are in their life or you are not; but the popping in and out _ucked her head up, not me, not ____, nor did we "take" them from you nor do we keep them from you.
I was always more than excited to spend the weekend with you and the girls. It is no secret that they always preferred you over their mother because god gave you a beautiful heart and soul. He DID NOT give you a drug problem, that was your free will. Enough about god, but when my life becomes what it is now, all I ever do is talk to God anymore. If anything, I know when I talk to him, that I am never alone.

____ and I were in a huge :censored2:ing pickle recently. We have been battling lice for 4 months now. I sit with her for days on end, combing, brushing, picking, ,,, hours on end, bugs, eggs, only to do it again and again and again. ______ also, but for some strange reason, (which I finally figured out) ____ had them worse. ____ and I were done putting poison on them, that is/was too much poison ! My point is, when that poor little girl has to sit between my legs every day for an hour or more enduring me pick and comb with an expensive lice comb that sometimes pinches; I put a bowl of candy on her lap and tell her I'm sorry. I say, “____, I am sorry that you have to go through this, You did not do anything wrong, you did not do anything bad, I am sorry if I am hurting you, I am sorry you have to hold your head in a certain position for a long time, I am sorry that it keeps happening and happening and happening over and over and over. We are both exhausted ____, but all we can do is ask God to give us a break, we're tired God, please help us with this problem God" - we have no choice. ____ ____ and I have done everything exactly as we should, EXACTLY and we still had an uphill battle over and over and over, so upon our suffering, ____ and I sat with our lice picking tools, candy, and prayers to God.
I also told ____, I said hey baby girl, I know this buggy stuff is a bunch of bullshit, and we're tired of it and God needs to give us a break, but ____, in spite of this being a nasty thing to have to deal with, lets just think of it as our alone time, our gammy and ____ time, our sharing candy time, and our time to pray to God to explain life to us". We both end up with a warm fuzzy feeling in spite of the situation.
We finally have a handle on it tho. Course, it could happen again. I should have invested in a chimpanzee.

I hope you get the big picture here.

I don't talk to your x . She made a scene recently when I went to pick up the girls trying to tell ____ and I what our Christmas plans are/were. The job of raising ____ and ______ is huge, and I mean huge. It is the hugest thing you will ever do in their life; and you don't pop in after not seeing them for 100 days and try to tell us that you are taking them for Christmas. We are raising them and we will be certain that their Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be perfect, as it should be for innocent little girls. Hell, ____ walked out to the car to sit with dad rather than see her mother act the fool.
They love you ____, and so do I, and so does everyone, and we are here, we are waiting, and we have open arms, but we will not and cannot do it for you, no more fines, no more money no more making it all better, no more listening to plans or no plans. We are waiting for action and raising two little girls in the mean time.

Last night when we texted, I got immediately ill. I had finally got uplifted a little bit to at least make Christmas pleasant without any fights with my mom, no grumpiness, extra patience with the girls, a lot of good food and good times, but as soon as you texted me, and we were done, I walked in the house and I was sick, my stomach hurt, I was walking in circles I was going to jump in my truck and go find you, like I do every single time. I decided to try to sleep and wait for the morning to hook up. I told you more than once in our chat that you could come here but I guess it was too late when you said the library was fixin to close.
Right away I think, go to _________, ride around in circles, find you, see you dirty? see you hungry? see you cold? smell you? watch you limp? see your long hair? bring you home and watch you nod off? tell me off? have to bring you back, leave you, dump you, drop you off into the abyss? I can't handle it, I can't handle it, I just can't anymore and I don't want to hear you say "I hurt too mom" - because YOU have to make all the moves to fix it, not me.

Anyway, I've said enough. I never think of myself, I always do for others at my expense, but this time, I became so ill that I had to duck out, completely. I even told ____ the other day that my mental health has declined so severely that is why I have been stand-off-ish with her; not visiting when I pick up the girls and not visiting when I drop them off..

You know I love you Mark - mumzah


Well-Known Member

I can feel your hurt and your anger and I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. Sometimes it feels better to get things off of our chest. Do one thing today for YOU. Just one thing. Reconnect with hubby, take a walk, take a shower, vacuum the recliner, visit the dog park, play "junk yard dog" and dance with the parrot. Just one thing. Exhale Beebz.


Well-Known Member
Did you send it to him?

I wrote a shorter letter to Kay once and it didn't move her. She said I was just feeling guilty and I should. I hope your son reads the whole thing and is more responsive to you than Kay was to me.

I am not sure pouring our heart out changes anything. I am not even sure they take our loving words to heart. Nor am I sure they all care how we feel. I do think our letters can be a relief to US and that is what matters in my opinion

God bless you and your dear son.


Did you send it to him?

I wrote a shorter letter to Kay once and it didn't move her. She said I was just feeling guilty and I should. I hope your son reads the whole thing and is more responsive to you than Kay was to me.

I am not sure pouring our heart out changes anything. I am not even sure they take our loving words to heart. Nor am I sure they all care how we feel. I do think our letters can be a relief to US and that is what matters in my opinion

God bless you and your dear son.
I did send it, I just don't know if he received it as he was incarcerated within 48 hours of me sending it.
thank you for your time replying to me ! It means so much, so very much to me.
Thank ALL OF YOU -


Face the Sun
I hope you can let go now. My heart felt every words. I have this chant when I feel down and out. N, no to negativity. I think of the letter N and it gives me strength. Weird, I know, but it helps.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Great letter and I think everyone here that read it felt it. I know that I did.

Please take care of yourself and focus on you. Please let 2020 be the year of YOU. Your suffering does not HELP your son one iota and it does not help YOU.

Your son will do what he will do regardless of what you say or do.