my son is using pot -weed daily and is just not looking after himself

mybleedingheart

New Member
Hello everyone,
I am at my wits end I have a son who is almost 20 and since he was 13 there have been many problems with him he has adhd and has used weed pot since he was 13 he also escalated to some other drugs when he was groomed by a drug dealer at 16 ,after all this he has done many awful things to smashing the house up to hitting me I could go on for hours but I wont , anyway he lives now with my step dad as he will not accept rules but I see him most days as he hates being alone , I bought him a beautiful dog at christmas and he seems to really love it , he dosent work and he is on disability for his depression and adhd etc he spends 6oo pounds a month on weed - pot and will do without food etc just to get this , his house is a mess i am down there cleaning taking food almost every other day , I am heartbroken and I have tried everything from therapy to addaction to taking him out of the uk I just do not know where to turn I think the weed is making him mentally ill but he does not see it and gets aggressive with me , he has just had a huge fight with his toxic girllfriend and it just never seems to stop , he wants to live independently but to me he dosent pay rent using it for weed and I am left to sort it all out all the time after 7 years i just feel I cant do this anymore he is so used me putting things right for him , He wont do anything he wont go to appointments or anything but if anything goes wrong it is always my fault I have been in some situations that you would not wish on your worst enemy I have seen things that have left me in shock for life

please someone offer me advice hes made it clear he wont stop smoking weed but in the meantime my heart is in pieces


Jo x
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
What if you stopped giving him any money or bringing him food? There are plenty of food banks and government services. No reason he can't quit the drugs and work but your gifts to rescue doesn't make him need to do it. Often we think we help them when we don't insist that they act their ages. in my opinion we hurt them when we take care of them and let them stay in childhood. I'd cut him off unless he shows huge changes. Yes, he will be very angry that you do this. He enjoys spending his life with no responsibility. But in my opinion he has to grow up and you need to detach and stop taking care of your son who is now a man. I have a feeling that you already know all this.

All opinions are our own. Take what you lIke and leave the rest. Do take care of youself. You matter as much as your adult son does and don't deserve this. Would you let a spouse abuse you? This is no different, your son or not. He is abusing you aND your aresponse still teying to help him. He doesnt want help nor does he care how mEan he is to you. Wby is that ok? No son shold trear his mother lIke he is aN abusiness spouse.

Just my honest thoughts. Him being your son doesn't mean it's ok to take that from him..
Even do him favors.
 
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mybleedingheart

New Member
Thank you I am trying to stop enabling but when he's hungry it's very hard but I. Know his money goes on drugs he isn't abusive any more to me just is used to me sorting things I think he is super lazy but very loving also I have never let any man abuse me I know it's bad
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
Hon, he knows where to go to eat. He wont starve. If he isnt abusive to you is it because you are doing exactly what he wants? Would he abuse you if you cut him off from everything? If so, he is still an abusive man. Has he ever physically abused you? This would be domestic abuse. Its awful in my opinion. People dont change overnight, especially while on drugs. Do you think its good for him to depend on you to care for him so he doesnt learn to do it himself? Just food for thought.

The more you give him the more money he has for drugs. In your shoes, and I was there once, there would be no more help. Do you realize that you have no control over anyone but yourself so you cant change or control your son. You can only control YOU. You can control how you relate to him, but you cant stop his behavior. Do you know you are an important person too? As important as your son? Do not allow one day more of slavery or abuse. Not one minute.

Hugs!

Hope you have a peaceful night.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Sorry to hear your story. I have a 20 year old son also. He no longer is in our home and I miss him but I'm glad he's gone. He's in sober living in Florida and has a job and we do help financially but he is now taking more responsibility for himself. I do not believe he will ever be allowed to live with us again.

You seriously need to detach from your son or he will be doing the exact same thing 20 years from now. I met an older couple that had a 34 year old alcoholic son living in their home. The were spending all their money paying for his legal troubles. I knew I did not want to end up like those people. Tough love was hard for us and it took us almost five years to enforce it but we finally have some results. No one should treat you like that. Drugs or no drugs. Totally unacceptable. Good luck!
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
Hi - I have been where you are and it is hard. My son is now 24 and also started smoking weed around the age of 13. It is really hard to cut them off, and it is really hard to let them go hungry etc etc. You love them but he will take advantage of you as long as you let him. As long as he can get by smoking weed, not taking any responsibility for anything he will.

My son has been in umpteen rehabs and just finished another one and is once again in sober living. However he is now at a point in his life where he realizes his drug use and drinking is not working for him and at least now recognizes he has a serious problem and wants help. We shall see what happens this time.

But until your son realizes that what he is doing isn't working for him he won't make any effort to change.

My stand with my son has always been we will help you when you are doing something to help yourself......and we have let him be on the streets until he realized he didn't want to do that anymore.

It is heartbreaking but they do figure out ways to survive.
 

mybleedingheart

New Member
Thank you I have been to a solicitor with him today and he was very rude to me, I have had enough I have started bleeding looks like I am having a mc xxxx
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Mybleedingheart, again welcome, and so sorry for what brings you here. It is tough when our kids go from troubled teens, to troubled adults. We just sort of segway into trying everything we can to help them launch. We love them and want the best for them. I think, too, we are so used to neglecting ourselves for the kids wants and needs, we just continue as is without even realizing it.
after 7 years i just feel I cant do this anymore he is so used me putting things right for him
Seven years is a long time. There comes a point where we all have felt this way. I think part of it is the frustration of it all, then the realization that we will not be on this earth forever to care for our adult child's needs. They have to learn to fend for themselves, even more so if we try to help and they are disrespectful.
He wont do anything he wont go to appointments or anything but if anything goes wrong it is always my fault I have been in some situations that you would not wish on your worst enemy I have seen things that have left me in shock for life
There are many others here who have been through similar things Heart, just like you. Myself, included. You have come to a good place to share your story and hear from folks who are on this journey but at different places along the path.
Our kids that grow up and fail to launch into the world have a way of blaming everyone for their difficulties. Unfortunately, we moms are many times targeted. I think it is because the kids do not have to see their own shortcomings, while they are faulting others.
please someone offer me advice hes made it clear he wont stop smoking weed but in the meantime my heart is in pieces
What helped me was to come here and read, then post and sort through the advice given. I decided to detach, although it was hard, it was the solution that I agreed with, because I was trying and trying to help my two, for years. They began to think that it was my duty as a mother to "rescue" them from their choices. I found that I was giving up my life and time more and more, they appreciated it less and less, then became insulting and disrespectful on top of it all! So began my journey to try something different and to try to change this pattern that I had gotten into. It really wasn't about trying to change them anymore, Lord knows I tried. It was about changing myself and how I responded to them. It is a work in progress as it has been six months now. My home is more stable. My life is getting better, I am slowly building myself up.
It is good that you are here, Heart. Kind folks will share their stories and offer advice, then you figure out what works for you.
Disrespect of ones parent is unacceptable. The line needs to be drawn by someone, and that evidently will not be our kids. They will just continue to take and take, if we allow them to.
You have value and you matter Heart. You deserve to have peace in your life, and to be treated with kindness and appreciation.
Please take care, and see a doctor for that bleeding. That is not good.....
(((Hugs)))
leafy
 

mybleedingheart

New Member
I have been the doctors thank you she thinks I have mis carried it's a shame but never mind no point crying now, I am totally worn out I just need to rest and think about things thank you so much for taking time for me it means a lot xx
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Thank you I am trying to stop enabling but when he's hungry it's very hard but I. Know his money goes on drugs

When my therapist first told me that I was basically buying my daughter drugs by supplying her with food and rent money, it really hit me hard. But she was right. If your son can afford to buy drugs he can afford to buy food. He will have to make the choice if you don't provide the food.

It is time to detach and let him figure it out. I know it is hard but nothing will change until you change. The only behavior that we can change is our own.

Welcome to our little corner of the world. Keep posting because only people that have dealt with substance abusing loved ones can truly understand.

~Kathy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
I have been the doctors thank you she thinks I have mis carried it's a shame but never mind no point crying now, I am totally worn out I just need to rest and think about things thank you so much for taking time for me it means a lot xx
I am so sorry for your loss, dear. Please take care and rest.
(((Hugs)))
leafy
 

Ohemgee

New Member
Hi everyone I have had to set up a new account as I was just locked out this is still me my bleeding heart but with a new name as I had to set up again?

Joanna
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi everyone I have had to set up a new account as I was just locked out this is still me my bleeding heart but with a new name as I had to set up again?
Oh! I wonder what happened?
Thank you I am a bit teary today
Take time for you. Be very kind to yourself and take care of your needs. Often we get so caught up in the drama and chaos of our d cs, we are not good to ourselves. One of the best bits of advice I got here was to slow.......way......down. Our thoughts race and we get stressed and overloaded with emotions.
Nothing has to be done right at this minute.
Take care of you.
You are not alone.
We are here wishing you peace.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
 

Ohemgee

New Member
Oh! I wonder what happened?
Take time for you. Be very kind to yourself and take care of your needs. Often we get so caught up in the drama and chaos of our d cs, we are not good to ourselves. One of the best bits of advice I got here was to slow.......way......down. Our thoughts race and we get stressed and overloaded with emotions.
Nothing has to be done right at this minute.
Take care of you.
You are not alone.
We are here wishing you peace.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Thanks leafy I am. Feeling kind of emotional really teary today I haven't left the house, just had a bath and washed my hair xxxx
 

Ohemgee

New Member
When my therapist first told me that I was basically buying my daughter drugs by supplying her with food and rent money, it really hit me hard. But she was right. If your son can afford to buy drugs he can afford to buy food. He will have to make the choice if you don't provide the food.

It is time to detach and let him figure it out. I know it is hard but nothing will change until you change. The only behavior that we can change is our own.

Welcome to our little corner of the world. Keep posting because only people that have dealt with substance abusing loved ones can truly understand.

~Kathy
I know that's the hard bit saying no, he is looking scruffy lately aswell it's sad how is your daughter now love?
 

Ohemgee

New Member
Sorry to hear your story. I have a 20 year old son also. He no longer is in our home and I miss him but I'm glad he's gone. He's in sober living in Florida and has a job and we do help financially but he is now taking more responsibility for himself. I do not believe he will ever be allowed to live with us again.

You seriously need to detach from your son or he will be doing the exact same thing 20 years from now. I met an older couple that had a 34 year old alcoholic son living in their home. The were spending all their money paying for his legal troubles. I knew I did not want to end up like those people. Tough love was hard for us and it took us almost five years to enforce it but we finally have some results. No one should treat you like that. Drugs or no drugs. Totally unacceptable. Good luck!
We don't have things like sober living in the uk, unless your rich and then maybe yes, for my son it's just weed and copping out of life in general he has no intertests just weed and his dog
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had one myself about 20 years ago and they are not fun.

My son thinks weed is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I must admit I did partake when in high school but I never let it take over my life. I always worked etc. and did not get into trouble. I probably didn't do as well in school because of it though. Like most, I grew out of that stage but I think for some (my son/your son maybe) it can truly be a gateway drug and keep them from moving forward. In that case it's not good. I honestly don't think my son sees it that way but I think deep down he knows it.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
My daughter just finished her 4th inpatient rehab and is now in her umpteenth halfway house. She does seem to be more serious this time but it might be because we have finally set boundaries and she knows we will stick to them.

For the first time, she is asking for the Vivitrol shot to help her with her opiate addiction which is a good sign. We are taking things one day at a time.

Thank you for asking!

~Kathy
 
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